Spoiler - Self harm


I can also remember that it was a way to physically show
people how much pain I was in. It was a way to convert the
pain into something tangible, something that I could look
at and feel and understand.

When my doc stopped worrying about me self-harming, when
the struggle to *not* self-harm was taken away, then the
power of it started to fade (very slowly I might add, but
fade it did).

I could cut all I liked and I wasn't going to be
reprimanded, I wasn't going to be put in hospital, I wasn't
going to get any attention for it, I wasn't going to be
shamed into stopping it.

That's not to say that there isn't a strong chemical
component to these urges either. Yes, indeed I do believe
that there is some sort of short-circuit going on inside
the old brain.

I also believe that it is closely linked to anger. Anger
towards oneself, or towards another person. I am so angry
with myself because I am such an
awful/stupid/useless/selfish/etc person. Or, I am so very
angry with my husband/doctor/mother/father etc. I cannot
express that anger in a safe way, or in a way that I know
about yet, so I will cut myself and express it in the
safest most reliable way I know about now.

Shame, anger, attention/love, brain chemistry. These are
the four crucial parts to the puzzle of disarming the
self-harm urge imho.

It can be done. I've done it. However it can come back. I
don't know if one is ever "cured" of it, but it is
wonderful to not have to deal with the outcome of a slashed
up arm on a putridly hot summer's day. People do look and
ask questions and the excuses wear pretty thin after
awhile.

Best of luck with it. I feel for everyone who has this
problem. It is not a simple thing to overcome but rather a
set of complex issues that need to be worked on one at a
time.

thanks so much for your thoughts. i value them, and your
caring.

i'm glad that, unlike many people, that attention-seeking has
never played any part in my cutting. in the real world, i
never discuss or show it outside of a therapeutic setting.

as
a teen, i cut for over a year before my mother (or anyone)
found out, and they would not have known had i not tried to
take my life.

it is all mixed up with anger and shame, as well as being
simple anesthesia. the anger is all directed toward self, like
the shame. i need to know why i'm so angry with myself before
i can start to heal.

it also only comes up when i'm in serious
emotional distress. when i feel ok, or even better, i stop
cutting. it takes no effort nor forethought then. i'll just
realise that i haven't cut for a week or more, rather than
daily. the more disregulated my emotions, the more i feel the
need to cut. when my meds were adjusted well, i had no desire
at all.

i have a lot of work to do on this.

-lisa