Hello everyone,

I am fairly new here, I thought I would give these support
forums a try before I crash into that wall that seems to be
heading my way at breakneck speed...

I am a divorced male, 46 years old, that was in a very bad
marriage for many years. I finally , through meditation and
prayer, was able to end the hellhole I and my 2 daughters
were living in a little over 2 years ago. I had no idea at
the time, how bad things had gotten for my girls, and how I
was just sitting by and letting it happen.
Their mother was/is not a very good person. My girls were
ashamed of her, and had been fairly secluded due to the way
she was treating them. My oldest daughter left home the day
she turned 18 because of this, and my youngest daughter was
becoming deeply depressed, staying locked in her room and
having very little to do with anyone.

I hit rock bottom in Feb of 02, and almost killed myself.
Through more of a fluke than anything, I did not go through
with it. I then got away by myself for a week to a
lakehouse where no one knew where I was, and when I left
there, I knew what had to be done - the marriage had to
end. So it did, the day before our 24 year anniversary.


Within 2 weeks of my moving out, my youngest daughter, who
was 15 at the time, begged to move in with me. Her mother
did not like it, but I allowed her to do so, as I love my
girls more than life itself. She has lived with me every
since. My oldest daughter made me a grandfather in Dec of
03. I have a beautiful grandson.

My youngest daughter, made such a turn around the last two
years, it is unbelievable. I am so very proud of her, and
what she has accomplished. She graduated high school this
past week, and I have never been so proud in all my life.
Her mother had taken her prior to her moving in with me, to
a counselor, and got her on an anti-depressant - Effexor -
claiming I had caused her depression, which she had been in
for some time, simply because of the horrible life she had
living at home with her mother there. Not long after moving
in with me, she took herself off the Effexor - cold turkey,
without my knowledge. When I realized I was not being asked
to get refills for her, I asked her about this. She said
Dad, I don't need to be on medication, and do not want it -
I am quite happy now, and have no desire to be reliant upon
drugs to make me happy.

Well, 3 + years ago, this girl was depressed, struggling
big time in school, and was very unsociable. This past
year, her senior year, her grades were the best they have
ever been, a's and b's, and she is looking at going on to
college. She asked me, the night of graduation, was I proud
of her? With tears in my eyes, I told her I was so very
proud of her. She looked at me and said " Dad, I did this,
for you. "

About 6 years ago, I was diagnosed with a fairly rare
cancer in my kneck, and lymph nodes in my kneck. I went
through 3 surgeries, and 3 rounds of radiation, and looks
like this has been licked. I was put on anti-depressants at
that time, and have been on them ever since.

Just before ending the marriage, I finally went to a psych
at the insistence of my doc, as I was ready to end it all.
This helped me greatly, as he put me on some different
meds. Today, I have been changed again recently, and am on
Efexor and Wellbutrin.

I feel like I did it right. I devoted these last 2 years to
my daughter, in hopes she would be ok. I think now, no
matter what happens to me, she is going to be just fine.
She has a wondeful head on her shoulders.

Now, I am facing extreme financial difficulty. I inherited
all the marital debt, plus some additional it took for me
to set up a home for my daughter and myself. The divorce
took over a year, and the judge even though my daughter
chose to live with me, awarded my X " rehabilitative
alimony", in the amount of 700.00 per month, for 7 years. I
tried to do everything right, I made the divorce as
financially painless on my X as I could, which was a large
part of reason I incurred additional debt. Now that my
daughter has graduated high school, I have to start paying
full alimony, as I was before able to deduct app 366 bucks
for child support. I honestly do not know how I am going to
do this. Over 6 more years to go.

The X, has very little to do with my daughters. She spends
most of her time partying with her boyfriend. Our grandson
is over 5 months old, and she has only seen him about 3
times. I have no proof, but suspect she lives with him most
of the time, as the alimony is mailed to a private mail box
address. She knows, should she live full time with her
boyfriend, and/or marry him, the alimony would stop. She is
not working right now, and is making no attempt to.
Rehabilitive alimony, right. She is taking advantage of it,
which is what she intended all along.
I raised my girls, and they know it. I saw to it they were
fed and dressed when they were younger.

We, my daughters and myself, after looking back, were very
much mentally abused. The girls were hit a few times by
their mother, not an everyday occurrence though. She was
nasty, did not take care of herself, and neither did she my
daughters. I will never forgive myself for allowing this to
happen.

Now here I am, faced with an unknown future for myself. I
have gotten to know a girl in Florida, who is a
professional, very sweet, very pretty, and a real,
compassionate person like myself. Through just talking on
the phone and emails the past 5 months, I find myself
having feelings I have not felt in over 25 years, and it
terrifies me. She is so very sweet, and I just know when
she finds out all about me, she would not want anything to
do with me, even though now she thinks I am the sweetest
man she has ever met, and the most sincere.

So now, I feel I have done all I can do. I know my girls
are going to be just fine. I do not know, how I will
handle what lies ahead. Financially, even though I do ok
for myself, I will probably have to file bankruptcy, as
much as I do not want to due to my ego, and always having
great credit. This makes me very, very sad.
I have no energy any more, nor any desire. I can lay in bed
and sleep off and on all weekend. I force myself to do my
job, and do it as well as I can. Come the end of the week,
I am about dead and fried. I am confused, and do not know
how to get my life back on a good track.

Sorry for the length. If you have made it this far, thank
you very much. I am telling things, I have never told
anyone. I am hoping this may help me feel better, by
sharing my feelings, which I find so very hard to do. I am
at the point where, I almost don't care if I ever wake up
from sleep or not. I hate this feeling. I have a new life
now, and yes I am happier than before, much happier, yet I
am so alone and don't know how to proceed.

I will close, with a poem my daughter whom just graduated
wrote for me. It is below my sig. She left it laying on my
computer keyboard the other day, and I lost it. It meant so
much to me, and made me realize everyhing I have gone
through the last 5-6 years, was worth every bit of it.