| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Rosena" |
| Date: |
27 Feb 2005 02:08:51 PM |
| Object: |
Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
I am very sick. I stopped my zyprexa cold about five days ago, and
have taken some again about 30 min. ago to try to get a grip. I will
just recite facts. I decided I wanted John's number which I had but
had thrown away, and called information. No number for his name. I
panicked a little because I have always had his number -- a way to make
contact, like a bottle of scotch in the cupboard for the alchoholic.
Then, spinning fron a few bad days, I looked up on internet a course he
is teaching on the history of punishment. I read the readings required
and got sick to my stomach. Some I know quite well, Dante, portions of
bible, but others I have never studied -- mostly Greek tragedies. I am
ignorant of these. And he has required portions of Gratian he has
translated (medieval canon law). I got sicker.
I was his prof. He teaches, writes, and researches now because of me.
I picked him out of the crowd, and up, and spent hours and hours
educating him and grooming him . . . now I can't keep up with him. He
has surpassed me.
Usually this would be fine, indeed a point of pride with a student.
But not this situation. I feel small, failed, and genuinely like a bug
deserving of being swatted. I try to feel anger "at the story" you all
know, but instead I feel humiliated and stupid and trashy for letting
him do all he did.
I suppose those who know me get the drift. I feel suicidal and I do not
know how to overcome it, fight it. I am flip about hospitals, but the
thing is that when I feel like this I DON'T want someone making me
safe. Indeed, I go nuts -- truly uncontrollable when constrained (left
over from bad memories with parents). Doctors treat me as one of those
who gets sicker rather than better from a hospital and thus I have
never been put in one.
Still -- I have to get perspective. Fight bad terrible feelings and I
don't know how. I feel so so alone and desperate. I can't write
anymore. I know this says nothing despite its length.
Rosena
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 10:02:08 PM |
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Hello, Rosena. It's been a while. I would have hoped you'd be doing
better than this by now; I imagine you would have, too.
You know not to stop medications cold turkey, right?
You got it backwards. Don't go cold turkey with the meds. Do go cold
turkey with your life baggage. Burn every scrap of information about
this fool from your past, and never, ever look up anything relating to
him again. You are clutching your pain to your breast, and hanging on
to things in life that cause you pain is a problem that cannot be
cured by medication. As long as you do this, medication is of limited
use.
And why are you taking zyprexa to begin with?
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1109534931.004623.220130@l41g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
I suppose those who know me get the drift. I feel suicidal and I do
not
know how to overcome it, fight it. I am flip about hospitals, but
the
thing is that when I feel like this I DON'T want someone making me
safe. Indeed, I go nuts -- truly uncontrollable when constrained
(left
over from bad memories with parents). Doctors treat me as one of
those
who gets sicker rather than better from a hospital and thus I have
never been put in one.
Still -- I have to get perspective. Fight bad terrible feelings and
I
don't know how. I feel so so alone and desperate. I can't write
anymore. I know this says nothing despite its length.
I'd say it says quite a bit.
Please be well.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
28 Feb 2005 03:01:15 PM |
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"Nom dePlume" <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote
Nom! so good to see you!!!!!!
((((((Nom))))))
~u2b
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
01 Mar 2005 01:32:50 AM |
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Hi, u2b! It's good to see you, too.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:vELUd.73618$911.45009@fe2.texas.rr.com...
"Nom dePlume" <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote
Nom! so good to see you!!!!!!
((((((Nom))))))
~u2b
.
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| User: "Whiskers" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 04:54:13 PM |
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On 2005-02-27, Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
snip
Still -- I have to get perspective. Fight bad terrible feelings and I
don't know how. I feel so so alone and desperate. I can't write
anymore. I know this says nothing despite its length.
Rosena
It says you are in pain.
While there is ASD, you are not alone.
Whiskery Hugs {{{{{Rosena}}}}}
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^
-- Whiskers
-- ~~~~~~~~~~
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 07:02:44 PM |
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On 27 Feb 2005 12:08:51 -0800, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com>
wrote:
<(((*> Still -- I have to get perspective. Fight bad terrible feelings and I
<(((*> don't know how. I feel so so alone and desperate. I can't write
<(((*> anymore. I know this says nothing despite its length.
(((((Rosena)))))
Call long distance directory assistance, I'm in the phone
listings under my own name.
Call my number. Let the answering machine go through its routine,
and then say it's you.
If I'm there, I'll pick up. If I don't pick up, leave your phone
number and I'll get back to you.
I think maybe sometimes you need to hear another human voice say
you're a good person, it's all right, you're going to be okay.
This medium sometimes just doesn't cut it.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
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| User: "yellow river" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 02:17:54 PM |
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Rosena wrote:
I am very sick. I stopped my zyprexa cold about five days ago, and
have taken some again about 30 min. ago to try to get a grip.
I don't think you should stop taking your meds without your pdoc's consent.
I will
just recite facts. I decided I wanted John's number which I had but
had thrown away, and called information. No number for his name. I
panicked a little because I have always had his number -- a way to make
contact, like a bottle of scotch in the cupboard for the alchoholic.
Then, spinning fron a few bad days, I looked up on internet a course he
is teaching on the history of punishment. I read the readings required
and got sick to my stomach. Some I know quite well, Dante, portions of
bible, but others I have never studied -- mostly Greek tragedies. I am
ignorant of these. And he has required portions of Gratian he has
translated (medieval canon law). I got sicker.
Why should this matter to you?
I was his prof. He teaches, writes, and researches now because of me.
I picked him out of the crowd, and up, and spent hours and hours
educating him and grooming him . . . now I can't keep up with him. He
has surpassed me.
So what? What difference does it make to your life?
Usually this would be fine, indeed a point of pride with a student.
But not this situation. I feel small, failed, and genuinely like a bug
deserving of being swatted. I try to feel anger "at the story" you all
know, but instead I feel humiliated and stupid and trashy for letting
him do all he did.
It seems to me that you have to let go of the past, and get rid of these
negative thoughts.
I suppose those who know me get the drift. I feel suicidal and I do not
know how to overcome it, fight it. I am flip about hospitals, but the
thing is that when I feel like this I DON'T want someone making me
safe. Indeed, I go nuts -- truly uncontrollable when constrained (left
over from bad memories with parents). Doctors treat me as one of those
who gets sicker rather than better from a hospital and thus I have
never been put in one.
I think you should see your pdoc.
Still -- I have to get perspective. Fight bad terrible feelings and I
don't know how. I feel so so alone and desperate. I can't write
anymore. I know this says nothing despite its length.
Rosena
Maybe therapy would also be helpful?
--
- yellow river, with millie and mollie
"May God curse Israel and its supporters, and may the rest of you be
blessed..."
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 02:33:08 PM |
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Thanks dear . . .going to see pdoc on 18th. You are right about not
taking meds and letting go of past. I try so hard to and never seem to
succeed.
R.
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| User: "Luna" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 03:08:54 PM |
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Rosena wrote:
I am very sick. I stopped my zyprexa cold about five days ago, and
have taken some again about 30 min. ago to try to get a grip.
Sweet Rosena, why did you stop the zyprexa cold like that?
I will
just recite facts. I decided I wanted John's number which I had but
had thrown away, and called information. No number for his name. I
panicked a little because I have always had his number -- a way to
make contact, like a bottle of scotch in the cupboard for the
alchoholic.
I understand that feeling, believe me.
Then, spinning fron a few bad days, I looked up on internet a course
he is teaching on the history of punishment. I read the readings
required and got sick to my stomach. Some I know quite well, Dante,
portions of bible, but others I have never studied -- mostly Greek
tragedies. I am ignorant of these. And he has required portions of
Gratian he has translated (medieval canon law). I got sicker.
I was his prof. He teaches, writes, and researches now because of me.
I picked him out of the crowd, and up, and spent hours and hours
educating him and grooming him . . . now I can't keep up with him. He
has surpassed me.
I'm not sure how to respond to this, other than verrry carefully - you are
talking about him surpassing you in one sphere, career. Life is a multi sphere
landscape, don't forget that. After all, he is a woman beater, he is an abusive
but brilliant troglodyte, a knuckle dragging brutal genius, okay. You, on the
other hand have faced extreme physical and psychological obstacles and still,
somehow, managed to raise the delightful Maria and not only that, you reached
deep in and get work. It didn't just fall in your lap, I remember the posts you
made when you were searching for work, you beat the pavement HARD.
Perhaps you see every dirty dish in the sink as a personal failure, I don't know
(though I suspect this is the case). I do think that if you applied the
standard to others that you apply to yourself this world would be populated by
people you despised. You don't do that, though. You are INCREDIBLY hard on
yourself, Rosena. (Stop that!)
Here you are, a highly educated, brilliant expert on justice - and you're so
unfair to yourself. Be cerebral, logically dissect your judgment of yourself.
Usually this would be fine, indeed a point of pride with a student.
But not this situation. I feel small, failed, and genuinely like a
bug deserving of being swatted. I try to feel anger "at the story"
you all know, but instead I feel humiliated and stupid and trashy for
letting him do all he did.
Okay but that's illogical because we all know, he's responsible for his actions.
No matter what you did, he was the one on the other end of that fist. I feel
your emotions and still fight with my own reactions to being beat on 'to this
day', but I know, logically (and it's cold comfort but it is some comfort) that
it wasn't my fault nor my responsibility.
I suppose those who know me get the drift. I feel suicidal and I do
not know how to overcome it, fight it. I am flip about hospitals, but
the thing is that when I feel like this I DON'T want someone making me
safe. Indeed, I go nuts -- truly uncontrollable when constrained (left
over from bad memories with parents). Doctors treat me as one of those
who gets sicker rather than better from a hospital and thus I have
never been put in one.
Still -- I have to get perspective. Fight bad terrible feelings and I
don't know how. I feel so so alone and desperate. I can't write
anymore. I know this says nothing despite its length.
I think that you need to see your extraordinary-ness.
Some people wake up in the morning at level zero, they're fine, they "seize the
day" with ease, it's a default mode. Others have to work their asses off to get
to the level where they can even consider seizing the day. You are one of those,
your struggle is heroic, your accomplishments admirable.
Keep this in mind: you can't kill yourself because of the girl, she'd never get
over it. That's just a fact, don't waste your time with rationalizations "it'd
be better for her if I was gone" *****, it wouldn't. You're a vibrant, very
intelligent, questing human being. There is a certain specialness about you,
don't waste it with a dramatic passion play. Dig in.
Jean
Rosena
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 03:21:54 PM |
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Oh god Jean - If you were in front of me right now I's throw my arms
around you and sob with thankfulness for such a kind friend.
I took the meds, and am going to lay down for an hour and then get
ready for school tomorrow. I know what you say is right about what he
did (like the knuckle dragging bit :) ). But as I know you know,
self-respect is the hardest thing to earn back. To allow that ***** is
so not right for a woman to do. Just like you with your daughter, if
anyone hurt a hair on Maria's head I would throttle him.
Part of the problem is situation . . .clinging to past when present
rocky. I am currently trying to persuade maria's dad to live apart from
us and just let me have her for a while. Might work out and would be
better for everyone. You are right, suicide not an option. Just feel
.. . .tierd.
Thanks so so much Jean
R.
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| User: "Luna" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 03:45:33 PM |
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Rosena wrote:
Oh god Jean - If you were in front of me right now I's throw my arms
around you and sob with thankfulness for such a kind friend.
I took the meds, and am going to lay down for an hour and then get
ready for school tomorrow. I know what you say is right about what he
did (like the knuckle dragging bit :) ). But as I know you know,
self-respect is the hardest thing to earn back. To allow that ***** is
so not right for a woman to do. Just like you with your daughter, if
anyone hurt a hair on Maria's head I would throttle him.
Part of the problem is situation . . .clinging to past when present
rocky.
There's the essential key.
I am currently trying to persuade maria's dad to live apart
from us and just let me have her for a while. Might work out and
would be better for everyone. You are right, suicide not an option.
Just feel . . .tierd.
Thanks so so much Jean
Anytime, anywhere, anything.
You take care and please, be easy on yourself. You DO deserve a bit of grace.
Jean
R.
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| User: "Aware1" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 05:00:13 PM |
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On Sun, 27 Feb 2005 16:08:54 -0500, "Luna" <jean_collins@hotmail.com>
squeezed out the following:
Rosena wrote:
I am very sick. I stopped my zyprexa cold about five days ago, and
have taken some again about 30 min. ago to try to get a grip.
Sweet Rosena, why did you stop the zyprexa cold like that?
I will
just recite facts. I decided I wanted John's number which I had but
had thrown away, and called information. No number for his name. I
panicked a little because I have always had his number -- a way to
make contact, like a bottle of scotch in the cupboard for the
alchoholic.
I understand that feeling, believe me.
Then, spinning fron a few bad days, I looked up on internet a course
he is teaching on the history of punishment. I read the readings
required and got sick to my stomach. Some I know quite well, Dante,
portions of bible, but others I have never studied -- mostly Greek
tragedies. I am ignorant of these. And he has required portions of
Gratian he has translated (medieval canon law). I got sicker.
I was his prof. He teaches, writes, and researches now because of me.
I picked him out of the crowd, and up, and spent hours and hours
educating him and grooming him . . . now I can't keep up with him. He
has surpassed me.
I'm not sure how to respond to this, other than verrry carefully - you are
talking about him surpassing you in one sphere, career. Life is a multi sphere
landscape, don't forget that. After all, he is a woman beater, he is an abusive
but brilliant troglodyte, a knuckle dragging brutal genius, okay. You, on the
other hand have faced extreme physical and psychological obstacles and still,
somehow, managed to raise the delightful Maria and not only that, you reached
deep in and get work. It didn't just fall in your lap, I remember the posts you
made when you were searching for work, you beat the pavement HARD.
Perhaps you see every dirty dish in the sink as a personal failure, I don't know
(though I suspect this is the case). I do think that if you applied the
standard to others that you apply to yourself this world would be populated by
people you despised. You don't do that, though. You are INCREDIBLY hard on
yourself, Rosena. (Stop that!)
Here you are, a highly educated, brilliant expert on justice - and you're so
unfair to yourself. Be cerebral, logically dissect your judgment of yourself.
Usually this would be fine, indeed a point of pride with a student.
But not this situation. I feel small, failed, and genuinely like a
bug deserving of being swatted. I try to feel anger "at the story"
you all know, but instead I feel humiliated and stupid and trashy for
letting him do all he did.
Okay but that's illogical because we all know, he's responsible for his actions.
No matter what you did, he was the one on the other end of that fist. I feel
your emotions and still fight with my own reactions to being beat on 'to this
day', but I know, logically (and it's cold comfort but it is some comfort) that
it wasn't my fault nor my responsibility.
I suppose those who know me get the drift. I feel suicidal and I do
not know how to overcome it, fight it. I am flip about hospitals, but
the thing is that when I feel like this I DON'T want someone making me
safe. Indeed, I go nuts -- truly uncontrollable when constrained (left
over from bad memories with parents). Doctors treat me as one of those
who gets sicker rather than better from a hospital and thus I have
never been put in one.
Still -- I have to get perspective. Fight bad terrible feelings and I
don't know how. I feel so so alone and desperate. I can't write
anymore. I know this says nothing despite its length.
I think that you need to see your extraordinary-ness.
Some people wake up in the morning at level zero, they're fine, they "seize the
day" with ease, it's a default mode. Others have to work their asses off to get
to the level where they can even consider seizing the day. You are one of those,
your struggle is heroic, your accomplishments admirable.
Keep this in mind: you can't kill yourself because of the girl, she'd never get
over it. That's just a fact, don't waste your time with rationalizations "it'd
be better for her if I was gone" *****, it wouldn't. You're a vibrant, very
intelligent, questing human being. There is a certain specialness about you,
don't waste it with a dramatic passion play. Dig in.
Jean
Rosena = 1
John = 0
Jean: gold star
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| User: "Luna" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
28 Feb 2005 11:29:08 AM |
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Aware1 wrote:
<snip>
Rosena = 1
John = 0
Jean: gold star
Thanks, Aawa. I admire Rosena, she's a classic fighter. So far as I'm
concerned, fighters can't lose - so long as you're swinging you're still in the
game. I know that sounds simplistic but I love a struggler - conceited of me
probably because I consider myself to be a HUGE struggler.
Jean
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
28 Feb 2005 11:37:18 AM |
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On Mon, 28 Feb 2005 12:29:08 -0500, "Luna" <jean_collins@hotmail.com>
wrote:
Aware1 wrote:
<snip>
Rosena = 1
John = 0
Jean: gold star
Thanks, Aawa. I admire Rosena, she's a classic fighter. So far as I'm
concerned, fighters can't lose - so long as you're swinging you're still in the
game. I know that sounds simplistic but I love a struggler - conceited of me
probably because I consider myself to be a HUGE struggler.
Totally agreed.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "packrat" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 08:25:30 PM |
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You may not remember me, but I've read your posts and journey over the last
few years off and on.
You have come so far. I am in awe of you (and others in this group) who've
managed to push through the clutches of depression and obsticles of life and
manage to rise above it make something of themselves.......like you. I'm
envious of you and all those out there who have the level of education that
you have. The commitment, perserverance, dedication and intelligence that
you have is something to be proud of. Something your beautiful daughter can
be proud of, to have you as a mom.
You've risen above, despite a hard difficult road and you have so much to be
proud of. Don't let voices of the past ruin that.
The feelings going on due to sudden withdrawl of your med is just that, and
it will pass. I hope it passes quickly for you and that you're feeling
better soon. Not even going to say much about the mention of suicide,
because you know it isn't an option.
I'm not much help, but wanting you to know I care and how much I admire how
you've rose above circumstances in life with such grace and accomplished so
much.
C.
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1109534931.004623.220130@l41g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
I am very sick. I stopped my zyprexa cold about five days ago, and
have taken some again about 30 min. ago to try to get a grip. I will
just recite facts. I decided I wanted John's number which I had but
had thrown away, and called information. No number for his name. I
panicked a little because I have always had his number -- a way to make
contact, like a bottle of scotch in the cupboard for the alchoholic.
Then, spinning fron a few bad days, I looked up on internet a course he
is teaching on the history of punishment. I read the readings required
and got sick to my stomach. Some I know quite well, Dante, portions of
bible, but others I have never studied -- mostly Greek tragedies. I am
ignorant of these. And he has required portions of Gratian he has
translated (medieval canon law). I got sicker.
I was his prof. He teaches, writes, and researches now because of me.
I picked him out of the crowd, and up, and spent hours and hours
educating him and grooming him . . . now I can't keep up with him. He
has surpassed me.
Usually this would be fine, indeed a point of pride with a student.
But not this situation. I feel small, failed, and genuinely like a bug
deserving of being swatted. I try to feel anger "at the story" you all
know, but instead I feel humiliated and stupid and trashy for letting
him do all he did.
I suppose those who know me get the drift. I feel suicidal and I do not
know how to overcome it, fight it. I am flip about hospitals, but the
thing is that when I feel like this I DON'T want someone making me
safe. Indeed, I go nuts -- truly uncontrollable when constrained (left
over from bad memories with parents). Doctors treat me as one of those
who gets sicker rather than better from a hospital and thus I have
never been put in one.
Still -- I have to get perspective. Fight bad terrible feelings and I
don't know how. I feel so so alone and desperate. I can't write
anymore. I know this says nothing despite its length.
Rosena
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 02:35:05 PM |
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i will be short and to the point.
THIS MAN IS NOT WORTH WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO YOURSELF! HE IS SIMPLY A
FREAKIN HUMAN BEING WHO HAPPENED TO TAKE PART IN YOUR LIFE A FEW YEARS AGO.
HE IS NOTHING! YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!!! IT MATTERS NOT IF HE IS SMARTER,
RICHER OR HAS A BETTER JOB THAN YOU! WHAT MATTERS IS YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU.
NOTHING ELSE.
i love you rosena, but i must say i completely do not understand why you
would throw your life away over a relationship that was SICK and that is
OVER!!!!!
you have got to get a grip on what is important and let all of this CRAP in
your life go! that means JOHN!!!! let the freakin ***** GO!!!!!!!!!!
sorry, but it just burns me up that this man controls your life so much.
and the saddest thing is HE HAS NO EARTHLY IDEA HOW MUCH POWER HE HAS OVER
YOU!!!
yes, i'm yelling. because i'm mad! mad that someone as brilliant and
beautiful as you would let such a FOOL ruin her life!!! you are better than
that, girl. so much better than that.
please snap back to your senses, girl. do whatever it takes to get
healthier. take your meds. take care of yourself and your daughter. stop
looking at a past that is long gone. get yourself together and let this man
go!!!!
love,
u2b
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 03:14:20 PM |
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I would not mess with the meds with out doctors advice, I have a
bipolar friend who ended up in the hospital, total meltdown.
Roseana was there not a single man in this past year that you found
remotely interesting???!!
Open your eyes girl, there could be some nice, cute man around and
you'll miss it with all this john thinking, Time to date , jill
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 03:24:32 PM |
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Hey Jill . . . he he. actually I have a cute student and that is OFF
LIMITS but nice to appreciate a good looking sultry male. Yes, i need
to date. You are right. This is, probably, what I must work on trying
to do. 8 years of sadness is enough. Hope you are well. Miss your
posts.
R.
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 02:59:02 PM |
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Thanks Cindi,
The yelling helps me :) I do not know why I am spinning right now . .
.. Maria is the most important. sounds superficial, but it is true. I
am not often like this and it is worse when things are up in the air.
I love him still and hate him still and yet I know every single word
you said is on the mark.
It . . .the years of turmoil and fighting mental illness (since I was a
child) is overcoming me and my health is real bad right now (going to
doctor tomorrow) and exhausted in my soul . . .you know what I mean??
When it catches up I get weak and cling to a ghost.
You are right, but just so you know . . .he cultivated this power I let
him have. He is a master-player.
But it is me who lets him have it and that is stupid.
love
me
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: Nina, Jean, Tara or Anyone who Knows me Please |
27 Feb 2005 03:28:54 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1109537942.060036.131800@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com...
Thanks Cindi,
The yelling helps me :)
well, that's good. i was afraid you'd hate me. :/
I do not know why I am spinning right now . .
. Maria is the most important. sounds superficial, but it is true. I
am not often like this and it is worse when things are up in the air.
I love him still and hate him still and yet I know every single word
you said is on the mark.
i just HATE that this man has such power over you. :( it's not fair. not
to you. and not to maria.
It . . .the years of turmoil and fighting mental illness (since I was a
child) is overcoming me and my health is real bad right now (going to
doctor tomorrow) and exhausted in my soul . . .you know what I mean??
you know what, i do know what you mean. it is so hard to fight the demons
when one is so ill (mentally and physically). and i know you've come such a
long way! just please don't stop fighting now. not when you are about to
have the whole world at your fingertips. :-)
When it catches up I get weak and cling to a ghost.
i know. just keep reminding yourself of why you are better off without
him!!
You are right, but just so you know . . .he cultivated this power I let
him have. He is a master-player.
that may be, but he could never have had that power over you unless you had
granted it to him.
But it is me who lets him have it and that is stupid.
not stupid. just human. and realizing it is half the battle. you just
gotta keep reminding yourself that he has no power over you without your
permission. and BABY...permission is DENIED!!! :-)
be WELL my friend.
~u2b
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