| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"GlennT" |
| Date: |
14 Jul 2003 05:21:29 AM |
| Object: |
No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
GlennT
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| User: "Rebecca Jo" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 06:26:45 AM |
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"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote:
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
Why wasn't she told in the first place? I think telling her is the right
thing to do as long as you can be there for her to answer questions when she
has them.
GlennT
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 05:28:10 PM |
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Rebecca Jo wrote:
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote:
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
Why wasn't she told in the first place? I think telling her is the right
thing to do as long as you can be there for her to answer questions when she
has them.
GlennT
What's worse is her brother *was* told and has had to keep it
secret. I don't know if telling her is the right thing... my
initial reaction was all that was needed to open the bottle and
when you are in full flow honesty, it is hard to hide. I don't
know even why she wasn't told in the first place...
Oh, what tangled webs we weave...
GlennT
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| User: "DaKitty" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 05:04:24 PM |
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"|||| || | ||||| ||||||||" <bahcod@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:7i57hvceosn3efqpla4m1ad37nin7h7d28@4ax.com...
On Mon, 14 Jul 2003 22:21:29 +1200, GlennT <askme@noname.com> wrote:
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
Of course she'll want to know. How can she not want to know after you've
primed her so. But as for doing the right thing? I'm in mixed minds
whether
you should have said anything at all Glenn. You just may open up a can of
worms that's going to be damn hard to close again. Maybe she'll find
herself
blaming herself in some way.
She doesn't really need to know mate. You may be telling her more for your
sake than hers. But that's a moot point now isn't it.
I don't know. But if you do decide to say something, their may be
consequences that you'll have to deal with.
Regards
M
yea... what you said.
I have the same/similar concerns.
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| User: "dejablues" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 08:25:40 PM |
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But she's not your child. The people who raised her had some differing
opinions, obviously.
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F132C5D.6251A921@noname.com...
|||| || | ||||| |||||||| wrote:
On Mon, 14 Jul 2003 22:21:29 +1200, GlennT <askme@noname.com> wrote:
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
Of course she'll want to know. How can she not want to know after you've
primed her so. But as for doing the right thing? I'm in mixed minds
whether
you should have said anything at all Glenn. You just may open up a can
of
worms that's going to be damn hard to close again. Maybe she'll find
herself
blaming herself in some way.
She doesn't really need to know mate. You may be telling her more for
your
sake than hers. But that's a moot point now isn't it.
I don't know. But if you do decide to say something, their may be
consequences that you'll have to deal with.
Regards
M
Secrets upon secrets. Never something I will agree with. My
reaction... automatic. Choice? I didn't end up having one...
I guess this is the wrong place to ask the question.
GlennT
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 10:40:33 PM |
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dejablues wrote:
But she's not your child. The people who raised her had some differing
opinions, obviously.
Her step-father hates her and she is distant from her mother. She
volunteered this to me. She has travelled here on her own to try
and find some family that she feels she is missing.
I don't totally disagree with what you are saying... but you seem
to have an agenda...
GlennT
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| User: "dejablues" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
15 Jul 2003 05:52:21 PM |
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No agenda, other than what I'd prefer to be done if this were my child we
were speaking of.
(in a perfect world, there'd be no secrets, no skeletons in the closet, etc
etc etc) .
In the case of a minor child, the parent should have the last say. Maybe
cultural differences are showing here?
Good Luck.
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F1377B1.D255DAA3@noname.com...
dejablues wrote:
But she's not your child. The people who raised her had some differing
opinions, obviously.
Her step-father hates her and she is distant from her mother. She
volunteered this to me. She has travelled here on her own to try
and find some family that she feels she is missing.
I don't totally disagree with what you are saying... but you seem
to have an agenda...
GlennT
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| User: "dejablues" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 07:17:55 AM |
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Can't she ask her mother? You ould tell her mom that she's asking about her
dad and maybe she will want to handle it instead.
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F128429.91683174@noname.com...
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
GlennT
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| User: "dejablues" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 08:21:58 PM |
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In a case like this, the parent should have the last word, since she is
still just 16 . Many 16-year-olds do not get on perfectly with their
parents, but on a major topic like this ( disclosing the circumstances of
her father's death, even if he was your brother) should still fall to the
parent.
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F133002.F548FCBF@noname.com...
dejablues wrote:
Can't she ask her mother? You ould tell her mom that she's asking about
her
dad and maybe she will want to handle it instead.
I can't because her mother is away on holiday. What I could say
is tell her that she should ask her mother... except she is not
getting on with her mother.
GlennT
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| User: "DaKitty" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 10:41:43 AM |
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Very very good suggestion.
"dejablues" <dejablues@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:beu71f$8lo53$1@ID-172312.news.uni-berlin.de...
Can't she ask her mother? You ould tell her mom that she's asking about
her
dad and maybe she will want to handle it instead.
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F128429.91683174@noname.com...
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
GlennT
.
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 05:38:43 PM |
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DaKitty wrote:
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F128429.91683174@noname.com...
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
GlennT
Glen, Dejablues had a great suggestion. I think you need to talk to her mom
about considering telling her right now.
She;'s 16, and still a minor, and you have to remember, even though she
looks close to an adult, and probably acts close to one she still isn't. As
a teenager, she may have a bunch of things she is coping with. I'd
definitely talk with her mom, tell her mom that she is asking questions, you
guys need to strategize telling her.
You know, there is a very small possibility that she is going through stuff
where it may not be the best idea to land this info on her right now.
If this is her Dad, I think her mom should have the first choice about
telling her this info. She can still let you break the news to her, but...
If her mom hasn't told her about it, It may not be the best idea for you to
step in and tell her (not until she's an adult)
You know, after she finds out, she will need a good support system to cope
with it and get past it. I know you mean well by saying "consider, is it
relevant": but helping her cope with it is going to take a lot more than
that.
What if her mom, for one reason or another, isn't able to help her cope with
it?
At 16, she is still very impressionable.
The last ting you want is for her to start idealizing what happened...
I'd be very cautious telling her about this. I know when I was in my last
teens, several of us used to idealize suicide, thought it was kind of
cool... One if my pretty close friends ended up taking a bunch of pills, and
dying, just as we were turning 18.
You know, you're not her primary caretaker... (I know, it's odd to say a
"caretaker" of a 16 year old, but remember, she is still a minor, and a
dependent kid.) If revealing this info causes her trouble, he mom is going
to have to deal with it.
I know you feel the need to tell her, but I'd urge you to consider if 1. Is
it your place to tell her and 2. Is it the right time to tell her.
I mean, this is something that happened years ago, not telling her *right
now* is not very crucial.
The need to tell her, I'd as you to examine that need, and see if telling
her could potentially harm her, for the benefit of filling your need.
Need to tell her or not, I'd urge you to consider if it is the right thing
by *her and her mom* to tell her now, and for you to be the one to tell her.
I'm sorry, it's going to be hard :(, but your need to tell her is secondary
to making sure that by revealing that info *at this time* you're not doing
more harm than good.
If you wind up telling her, be sure that she understands a lot about
suicide, about depressions, and about how suicide is a crappy thing to do,
and how it hurts the close family... etc etc... The last thing you want her
to end up thinking is that suicide is somehow cool, and being a teenager,
(as opposed to an adult) she may end up thinking that.
Did you know that among teenagers in the US, traffic accidents are the
leasing cause of death, and suicide is a very close second. Please be
careful landing this info at her at this time of her life.
Maybe there are websites that talk about his, how to break this info without
doing unnecessary harm.
If she was an adult of around 25 or older, I'd say just level with her.
What a long response... I'm not stupid Connie.
GlennT
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| User: "DaKitty" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 07:44:15 PM |
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"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F1330F3.D108D3F5@noname.com...
DaKitty wrote:
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F128429.91683174@noname.com...
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
GlennT
Glen, Dejablues had a great suggestion. I think you need to talk to her
mom
about considering telling her right now.
She;'s 16, and still a minor, and you have to remember, even though she
looks close to an adult, and probably acts close to one she still isn't.
As
a teenager, she may have a bunch of things she is coping with. I'd
definitely talk with her mom, tell her mom that she is asking questions,
you
guys need to strategize telling her.
You know, there is a very small possibility that she is going through
stuff
where it may not be the best idea to land this info on her right now.
If this is her Dad, I think her mom should have the first choice about
telling her this info. She can still let you break the news to her,
but...
If her mom hasn't told her about it, It may not be the best idea for you
to
step in and tell her (not until she's an adult)
You know, after she finds out, she will need a good support system to
cope
with it and get past it. I know you mean well by saying "consider, is it
relevant": but helping her cope with it is going to take a lot more than
that.
What if her mom, for one reason or another, isn't able to help her cope
with
it?
At 16, she is still very impressionable.
The last ting you want is for her to start idealizing what happened...
I'd be very cautious telling her about this. I know when I was in my
last
teens, several of us used to idealize suicide, thought it was kind of
cool... One if my pretty close friends ended up taking a bunch of pills,
and
dying, just as we were turning 18.
You know, you're not her primary caretaker... (I know, it's odd to say a
"caretaker" of a 16 year old, but remember, she is still a minor, and a
dependent kid.) If revealing this info causes her trouble, he mom is
going
to have to deal with it.
I know you feel the need to tell her, but I'd urge you to consider if 1.
Is
it your place to tell her and 2. Is it the right time to tell her.
I mean, this is something that happened years ago, not telling her
*right
now* is not very crucial.
The need to tell her, I'd as you to examine that need, and see if
telling
her could potentially harm her, for the benefit of filling your need.
Need to tell her or not, I'd urge you to consider if it is the right
thing
by *her and her mom* to tell her now, and for you to be the one to tell
her.
I'm sorry, it's going to be hard :(, but your need to tell her is
secondary
to making sure that by revealing that info *at this time* you're not
doing
more harm than good.
If you wind up telling her, be sure that she understands a lot about
suicide, about depressions, and about how suicide is a crappy thing to
do,
and how it hurts the close family... etc etc... The last thing you want
her
to end up thinking is that suicide is somehow cool, and being a
teenager,
(as opposed to an adult) she may end up thinking that.
Did you know that among teenagers in the US, traffic accidents are the
leasing cause of death, and suicide is a very close second. Please be
careful landing this info at her at this time of her life.
Maybe there are websites that talk about his, how to break this info
without
doing unnecessary harm.
If she was an adult of around 25 or older, I'd say just level with her.
What a long response... I'm not stupid Connie.
GlennT
I didn't mean to make you feel stupid.
Just sharing things that come to mind for me.
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
15 Jul 2003 05:54:17 AM |
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DaKitty wrote:
I didn't mean to make you feel stupid.
Just sharing things that come to mind for me.
I thought the fact that it is obviously a sensitive subject might
have been more to the fore in your thinking. I think questions
should be asked before assumptions and soapboxes can be leapt
upon. Truth is more important than fiction no matter how
attractive fiction may be.
I made a small mistake. I was placed in unusual circumstances, I
handled it the best I could. The truth is the real mistake. The
fact that my brother abandoned his daughter by his actions needs
understanding. She has to be able to know the bad along with the
fantasy good she has dreamed up over the years. I think my
brother would agree. She has to be given the best picture
available and then to plot her path knowing the facts.
If she doesn't want to know then she only has not to ask... of
course I think she will ask. Yet, I have given her only enough
for the edges to stay blurred if she so chooses. I simply can't
do more or less than that.
To argue with one's tail is a simple affair. Often, actions
overtake the pondering.
GlennT
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| User: "Peeks" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
15 Jul 2003 09:03:45 AM |
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Maybe the girls mother has let it go so long that now she sees it as an
impossible to discuss with her. Perhaps you could offer to be with her and
the both of you together could explain. Personally I think your niece has a
wonderful uncle who believes in her. I guess there are no "right" answers.
Good luck.
"GlennT" <askme@noname.com> wrote in message
news:3F13DD59.A1B43F6@noname.com...
DaKitty wrote:
I didn't mean to make you feel stupid.
Just sharing things that come to mind for me.
I thought the fact that it is obviously a sensitive subject might
have been more to the fore in your thinking. I think questions
should be asked before assumptions and soapboxes can be leapt
upon. Truth is more important than fiction no matter how
attractive fiction may be.
I made a small mistake. I was placed in unusual circumstances, I
handled it the best I could. The truth is the real mistake. The
fact that my brother abandoned his daughter by his actions needs
understanding. She has to be able to know the bad along with the
fantasy good she has dreamed up over the years. I think my
brother would agree. She has to be given the best picture
available and then to plot her path knowing the facts.
If she doesn't want to know then she only has not to ask... of
course I think she will ask. Yet, I have given her only enough
for the edges to stay blurred if she so chooses. I simply can't
do more or less than that.
To argue with one's tail is a simple affair. Often, actions
overtake the pondering.
GlennT
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
16 Jul 2003 05:55:23 AM |
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Peeks wrote:
Maybe the girls mother has let it go so long that now she sees it as an
impossible to discuss with her. Perhaps you could offer to be with her and
the both of you together could explain. Personally I think your niece has a
wonderful uncle who believes in her. I guess there are no "right" answers.
Good luck.
Thank you very much. My grandfather taught me responsibility and
it is a lesson that can't be unlearnt. Yet my nature is one that
is full of questions about what that responsibility means.
No right answers... only compromises that are liveable.
GlennT
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| User: "Jamal Chapultapec" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 06:17:32 PM |
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GlennT <askme@noname.com> wrote in news:3F128429.91683174@noname.com:
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
GlennT
Just so long as you let her know that he was an awful coward and is burning
in hell.
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 05:32:35 PM |
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GlennT wrote:
|||| || | ||||| |||||||| wrote:
On Mon, 14 Jul 2003 22:21:29 +1200, GlennT <askme@noname.com> wrote:
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
Of course she'll want to know. How can she not want to know after you've
primed her so. But as for doing the right thing? I'm in mixed minds whether
you should have said anything at all Glenn. You just may open up a can of
worms that's going to be damn hard to close again. Maybe she'll find herself
blaming herself in some way.
She doesn't really need to know mate. You may be telling her more for your
sake than hers. But that's a moot point now isn't it.
I don't know. But if you do decide to say something, their may be
consequences that you'll have to deal with.
Regards
M
Secrets upon secrets. Never something I will agree with. My
reaction... automatic. Choice? I didn't end up having one...
I guess this is the wrong place to ask the question.
GlennT
Sorry for being snappy. I didn't explain it well in my first
post. She asked the question and I hesitated. It was enough for
her to say "OH oh". She had suspected there was something. You
can be cross with me if you like... I am cross with myself. But I
am only human...
GlennT
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| User: "Flatteri" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 02:14:16 PM |
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GlennT wrote:
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
Um... okay, when I was sixteen I would filled in the blanks already.
You've already basically told her there was no car accident. Unless
she's really dense, she will figure out suicide or drug overdose...
those being the kinds of death families don't talk about.
Either that or she'll think he's alive and doesn't want to see her.
Bit late to be asking whether to tell her, isn't it?
--
Get the kinks out before you email me
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 05:39:51 PM |
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Flatteri wrote:
GlennT wrote:
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
Um... okay, when I was sixteen I would filled in the blanks already.
You've already basically told her there was no car accident. Unless
she's really dense, she will figure out suicide or drug overdose...
those being the kinds of death families don't talk about.
Either that or she'll think he's alive and doesn't want to see her.
Bit late to be asking whether to tell her, isn't it?
--
Get the kinks out before you email me
Probably... but if she was happy with her explanation she
wouldn't have asked in the first place, would she?
GlennT
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| User: "clark" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 08:29:36 AM |
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GlennT wrote:
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
GlennT
good luck glenn. she will want to know now, the curiosity will
overwhelm her. the best you can do at this point is to answer all her
questions as fully and as honestly as you can.
good luck my friend, it won't be easy.
bill
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| User: "BGumm" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 11:26:18 PM |
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You started the ball rolling now Glenn and won't be able to turn back on this
BUT I would hold off and wait till her mother is back in the picture and get
her involvement before you step into some pretty heavy shoes. Her mom should
be with her when this news is discussed and she may take issue with the fact
that you decided on your own to tell your neice anything.
I personally think you went about this the wrong way and hopefully the mother
will be agreeable to discussing this with her child but there is no telling how
this kid is going to take this news or if she is really ready to hear it.
Not all kids get on with their parents---heck you are a parent and should know
that but especially teens and parents. Ugh. I can relate. That doesn't mean
that you should have just dropped this bombshell in this girl's lap on your own
accord.
Was this for her benefit or for yours? Have you really thought out WHY NOW
have you decided to tell her this? I am all for honesty and telling kids
things they need to know and sooner or later that child is going to hear it
from someone better from Uncle Glenn and her mom than a stranger BUT WHY
NOW.....and why THIS WAY?
Think about it abit. Either way you have the ball rolling now because she is
curious as to what is up and what it has to do with her dad. Just get the mom
involved before you head on into something you might not be around to handle
all the broken peices of afterwards? (not knowing where you are in relations
to her sorry)
Hey maybe you will get lucky and she will have already heard something anyway
and is waiting for some grown up to tell her the truth directly. It is so hard
to keep secrets in families isn't it????
Take care and good luck....
Becky
out from under the rock for a second.....
"I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild;
when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and
moody. And in all its moods, I see myself."
-Martin Buxbaum
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
15 Jul 2003 12:37:05 AM |
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BGumm wrote:
You started the ball rolling now Glenn and won't be able to turn back on this
BUT I would hold off and wait till her mother is back in the picture and get
her involvement before you step into some pretty heavy shoes. Her mom should
be with her when this news is discussed and she may take issue with the fact
that you decided on your own to tell your neice anything.
I personally think you went about this the wrong way and hopefully the mother
will be agreeable to discussing this with her child but there is no telling how
this kid is going to take this news or if she is really ready to hear it.
Not all kids get on with their parents---heck you are a parent and should know
that but especially teens and parents. Ugh. I can relate. That doesn't mean
that you should have just dropped this bombshell in this girl's lap on your own
accord.
Was this for her benefit or for yours? Have you really thought out WHY NOW
have you decided to tell her this? I am all for honesty and telling kids
things they need to know and sooner or later that child is going to hear it
from someone better from Uncle Glenn and her mom than a stranger BUT WHY
NOW.....and why THIS WAY?
Think about it abit. Either way you have the ball rolling now because she is
curious as to what is up and what it has to do with her dad. Just get the mom
involved before you head on into something you might not be around to handle
all the broken peices of afterwards? (not knowing where you are in relations
to her sorry)
Hey maybe you will get lucky and she will have already heard something anyway
and is waiting for some grown up to tell her the truth directly. It is so hard
to keep secrets in families isn't it????
Take care and good luck....
Becky
out from under the rock for a second.....
"I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild;
when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and
moody. And in all its moods, I see myself."
-Martin Buxbaum
Well I'll repeat for the fiftieth time... I didn't drop the
bombshell in her lap and I didn't tell her anything. SHe asked
and then worked out the rest from my reaction. My reaction was
just honesty showing itself in my expression.
I know you mean well but sheesh, lets get the facts straight.
Next thing I'll be accused of having an agenda myself... oh,
having reread your reply I see I am being accused of that.
Why is it you lot are so quick to see the bad in someone's
actions? Having consulted with people here who know the situation
the reaction has been much more accepting and we are in agreement
as to what to do about it. Next time I'll know better who to turn
to in these matters.
He committed suicide and her mother lied to her about it. But now
it's all my fault. Sure sure sure...
GlennT
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
14 Jul 2003 05:37:48 PM |
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clark wrote:
GlennT wrote:
Meeting my niece for the second time. Now she is sixteen and then
she was 10 months old. She lives in Australia.
The daughter of my brother. The brother who took his life fifteen
years ago and she thinks he died in a car accident. Something
deep within me wanted to tell her about my brother, so I did. It
went on for some time and then she asked. "He died from a car
accident didn't he?
I couldn't lie... so I said, "I'll tell you if you really want to
know but first ask yourself this... is it relevant?"
Then, "Think about it first before you ask and if you still want
me to, I'll tell you on Friday". Which is when we shall meet
again.
That's the best I could think of. I *have* to tell her the truth
if she really wants to know.
GlennT
good luck glenn. she will want to know now, the curiosity will
overwhelm her. the best you can do at this point is to answer all her
questions as fully and as honestly as you can.
good luck my friend, it won't be easy.
bill
Thanks Bill. I'm kicking myself for my initial reaction. I am an
honest person, always have been. I don't believe in secrets
because they don't help but it was never my intention to tell
her... I can't believe his suicide is still kicking people in the
backside fifteen years on.
GlennT
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| User: "Clark" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
15 Jul 2003 01:19:57 AM |
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On Tue, 15 Jul 2003 10:37:48 +1200, GlennT <askme@noname.com> wrote:
clark wrote:
GlennT wrote:
good luck glenn. she will want to know now, the curiosity will
overwhelm her. the best you can do at this point is to answer all her
questions as fully and as honestly as you can.
good luck my friend, it won't be easy.
bill
Thanks Bill. I'm kicking myself for my initial reaction. I am an
honest person, always have been. I don't believe in secrets
because they don't help but it was never my intention to tell
her... I can't believe his suicide is still kicking people in the
backside fifteen years on.
GlennT
kind of know where you are coming from. i don't like secrets either
and sometimes it seems sad to see someone think one thing when the
truth is something else.
it does make you think though about the suicide and the truly
devastating effect it does have on people close to the situation. it
never goes away.
take care
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| User: "BGumm" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
16 Jul 2003 09:51:07 PM |
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Terribly sorry for the butt backwards response then if I got everything wrong.
Even if I got everything wrong down to the last detail and it changes
nothing---her mother did lie to her and try maybe in her own stupid way to
sheild her----is that good maybe in some short-sighted way or isn't it??.... I
don't know your neice. Depends in how she is able to handle these things. No
one is able to handle this type of thing well, been there, done that.
I guess my own opinion of which you did ask when you posted you post was that
you should involve the mother in what you are going to do. I feel she has the
right to know what is up and what is going to happen so she is prepared to pick
up the peices and to defend herself. Not fair to get hit blind-sided.
As for giving you an agenda----don't we all have agendas in life? Did I say
you were a bad person? No I didn't. I would not say that about you because I
don't blieve that. I just question your need maybe to do this without the
mother's involvement and maybe you should discuss this with her first and
formulate a plan first before anything is done.
What is most important is your neice and you know that I don't have to explain
that part.
So I am an idiot. So what. I have been called far worse and you certainly do
not have to listen to me.
Becky
"I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild;
when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and
moody. And in all its moods, I see myself."
-Martin Buxbaum
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| User: "GlennT" |
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| Title: Re: No answers (Sp:suicide mentioned) |
17 Jul 2003 01:21:32 AM |
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BGumm wrote:
Terribly sorry for the butt backwards response then if I got everything wrong.
Even if I got everything wrong down to the last detail and it changes
nothing---her mother did lie to her and try maybe in her own stupid way to
sheild her----is that good maybe in some short-sighted way or isn't it??....
I am not making judgements. It was her decision. She will have to
live with the consequences if any. Just as i am living with my
own reality. I had no reason to tell her (my niece) anything...
except for the fact that she wants to know. This is a large part
of why she is here.
I
don't know your neice. Depends in how she is able to handle these things. No
one is able to handle this type of thing well, been there, done that.
She is pretty together. Confident is a term I would use and
intelligent is another. I don't know her that well either.
I guess my own opinion of which you did ask when you posted you post was that
you should involve the mother in what you are going to do. I feel she has the
right to know what is up and what is going to happen so she is prepared to pick
up the peices and to defend herself. Not fair to get hit blind-sided.
I can't... she is not contact-able at the moment. Unless I tell
my niece to ask her mother... but I'm not sure if that is the
best way to handle it. I know I can offer a lot of rationality to
the situation. I know I can give my brother a reasonable
representation. I know I can be sensitive and caring.
I don't know if her mother can't do these things. I will ask her
when I see her tomorrow. She can decide...
As for giving you an agenda----don't we all have agendas in life? Did I say
you were a bad person? No I didn't. I would not say that about you because I
don't blieve that. I just question your need maybe to do this without the
mother's involvement and maybe you should discuss this with her first and
formulate a plan first before anything is done.
I don't know how to achieve that. Her mother is away on holiday
and won't be back till my niece returns to Australia. My own
mother, my niece's grandmother, wants her to know the truth. She
thinks it is best for her granddaughter. I am not so sure of what
is best and I will let her lead.
What is most important is your neice and you know that I don't have to explain
that part.
Yes.
So I am an idiot. So what. I have been called far worse and you certainly do
not have to listen to me.
Becky
No you are not an idiot. I appreciate that you are concerned. It
is difficult... thank you.
GlennT
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