| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Chris Bolton" |
| Date: |
31 Aug 2004 12:19:29 PM |
| Object: |
Not Depressed, angry. |
I guess I needed somewhere I could vent my frustration with a long-time
friend of mine who seems to be suffering from a certain level of depression.
He has always seemed to be less fortunate than myself and his two other
close friends. The three of us have good jobs, homes and I myself am married
and expecting our first child. Generally speaking the three friends live
very happy lives. Our depressed friend has not bee so luck. He is a bit
challenged with regard to academics so he was never quite able to do as well
as the three of us. This has lead to difficulty with jobs and in the
economic sense. He has had his ups and downs but it seemed that many things
were looking up for him over the past year. He found a great new apartment
in a trendy, hip area. He got a steady job and he even started going to a
local business vocational school. Lately things seemed to have deteriorated.
It's hard to tell but his physical health has also deteriorated to the point
that over the past few days he has been in and out of the emergency
department at the local hospital. His family hasn't been much help as they
seem to distance themselves from him. One of the three close friends has
been spending a considerable amount of time over the past few days looking
after him while he has been in the hospital. I too have spent the wee hours
of the morning sitting with this man. Where my anger and frustration stem is
that unlike what I understand to be typical depression symptoms this man has
a few differences. These differences are that he is not reserved rather he
is extremely talkative. He often bables on for hours about anything and
everything. It's as if he stops talking then something bad will happen. He
also does not listen to others. He thinks any input from other people is a
criticism of him or that if others don't see things the exact same way he
does that they are somehow insulting him. He argues very easily and though
he often appologizes, he will just as often start arguing in the next
minute. He is not abusive, however he gets me so mad because of his lack of
rational thought that I, a normally very laid back person, am pushed very
close to my limit. It makes me so upset to see him this way as he used to be
so happy and carefree. I think the carefree part was because he didn't
actually have to deal with cares when I first knew him as a boy. Now that we
are both grown he seems to have never matured and cannot handle the
every-day adult stresses that I consider relatively low-key. He is my friend
and I love him like a brother, but I am getting to the point where I don't
care anymore and I don't want to deal with this. His abuse and dependancy on
myself and his other friends has become like the preverbial albatross and
with a child on the way I don't want that burden. I want my friend back, I
don't want this thing he has become. I am so angry, and frustrated because
it appears to be beyond my abilities to help my friend return. I know that
you are supposed to show compassion, caring and companionship to a friend in
need like this, but I don't think any of the three of us has go the strength
anymore. I was thinking that we should break away from him while he seeks
mental and physical help. We would cease to be a stressor on him and we
would releave the stress from our lives as well. Maybe once he is able to
heal a little then we can slowly get back together. I was hoping to get some
thoughts. Maybe someone who has been in this situation can give me some
advice.
Sincerely,
A Guy Who Misses His Friend
.
|
|
| User: "Contrarian" |
|
| Title: Re: Not Depressed, angry. |
31 Aug 2004 05:38:45 PM |
|
|
Chris Bolton <GhostRiderTGAC@rochester.rr.com> wrote:
I guess I needed somewhere I could vent my frustration with a long-time
friend of mine who seems to be suffering from a certain level of depression.
<snip>
Lately things seemed to have deteriorated. ..
It's hard to tell but his physical health has also deteriorated to the
that over the past few days he has been in and out of the emergency
department at the local hospital. His family hasn't been much help as they
seem to distance themselves from him.
after him while he has been in the hospital. I too have spent the wee hours
of the morning sitting with this man. Where my anger and frustration stem is
that unlike what I understand to be typical depression symptoms this man has
a few differences. These differences are that he is not reserved rather he
is extremely talkative. He often bables on for hours about anything and
everything.
Something is going on, what, I cannot say.
every-day adult stresses that I consider relatively low-key. He is my friend
and I love him like a brother, but I am getting to the point where I don't
care anymore and I don't want to deal with this. His abuse and dependancy on
myself and his other friends has become like the preverbial albatross and
Deterioration is one thing, grief is another, and abuse and
dependency are yet two more.
I am so angry, and frustrated because
it appears to be beyond my abilities to help my friend return.
It might be. One of the real painful things in dealing with ppl
with mental illess (which seems to be a possiblitiy) is the loss
of a person one knew.
you are supposed to show compassion, caring and companionship to a friend in
need like this, but I don't think any of the three of us has go the strength
anymore. I was thinking that we should break away from him while he seeks
mental and physical help.
I don't know what you are doing that you don't want to do any more,
any details?
Speaking from my own experience, all I want from friends is
mostly to be available for phone calls... I try to get definite
committments on what they are willing to do... with one person it is
2 - 10 minutes several times a week, etc. I personally would
really like longer conversations about depression and events maybe
I will find this in a local support group, some of which I have
just received a schedule in the mail.
For one thing, I need feedback on what I have done etc.
I know too much about the "distancing" family, in my case some ppl are
hard to reach and some simply cannot sustain a conversation longer than 2
minutes, this had taken decades to accept.
So yes, you help might be valuable. But you have to take care of
yourself too.
.
|
|
|
| User: "BGumm" |
|
| Title: Re: Not Depressed, angry. |
01 Sep 2004 12:26:37 PM |
|
|
It sounds like your friend is deeply into his own life and his own bad luck
that he does not see the people around him anymore.
Depression and many other disorders can rob us of those we considered
"friends". Maybe it is just a label we put on these people thinking that they
truly have that friendship ability and then of course in the end realize it is
was never there---atleast not on their part for us.
If you have to take a break from this person do so. Things that are not
healthy for us should be avoided or approached in a new way. A distant
friendship maybe? Distancing yourself from his self-absorbtion (sp?) is a good
thing---it is making you a very angry person to be around him.
We do lose alot of people along the way dealing with our own
depresion/disorders and then on top of it having a "friend" that is doing the
same. It makes for a very difficult companionship.
I have a friend right now that I am trying to learn to move away from. She is
completely absorbed by her own ills and life things that I am called upon to be
a friend only when she has the time or needs a favor.
I get very angry. I am distancing myself from the relationship. I have too.
The anger is to much and it makes me feel like a worthless person.
You have to weigh the pros and the cons.
I did and realized that I was "keeper of the friendship" and there was no give.
Takes to much out of us even though we care about the people---it just takes to
much effort to be around them anymore.
Don't feel guilty if you pull back. These kind of folks I am figuring out
always find other folks to do the same thing too.
Yes they do have an illness but you can't blame everything on that. These
people have been this way for a while now and know how to be a user.
Do what is best for YOU. Take care of YOU. Selfish? No because you can still
be a caring, loving person and great friend to people but you make sure you are
not falling into a hole along with them.
Becky
"I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild;
when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and
moody. And in all its moods, I see myself."
-Martin Buxbaum
.
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "" |
|
| Title: Re: Not Depressed, angry. |
31 Aug 2004 01:04:03 PM |
|
|
On Tue, 31 Aug 2004 17:19:29 GMT, "Chris Bolton"
<GhostRiderTGAC@rochester.rr.com> wrote:
<(((*> I guess I needed somewhere I could vent my frustration with a long-time
<(((*> friend of mine who seems to be suffering from a certain level of depression.
First of all, I hear your pain and frustration. It hurts to lose
a friendship, or to feel that it's being threatened. And it's
frustrating because of course you want to help, but he doesn't
seem to accept it.
First of all, I'm not a doctor and I'm not a psychologist, so
anything I say here, you can take with a shaker of salt.
I don't know how old y'all are, but from what you describe, it
occurs to me that your friend might be displaying symptoms of
schizophrenia. As I understand this condition, it can manifest in
one''s late teens or early twenties, and some (not all) of what
you describe appears to match its symptoms.
It could be that, or it could be some other mood disorder or
mental illness.
But no matter what his doctors diagnose, you can't fix him. Only
*he* can work to fix himself.
You only be his friend, but more importantly, you need to take
care of yourself, your wife & family, and your own health and
well-being BEFORE you worry about him.
I hate to say it, but if he won't (or can't) listen to your
loving concern, you might find yourself forced to cut him loose.
I recommend that you find someone, a counsellor or therapist, who
can educate you about your friend's illness, and who can help you
develop the thickness of skin you need to deal with it.
If it helps you at all to vent about it in here, please do.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
.
|
|
|
| User: "perdita" |
|
| Title: Re: Not Depressed, angry. |
31 Aug 2004 04:59:09 PM |
|
|
In article <hpe9j0tcopdpo098c4t99r3uam42cscs8a@4ax.com>,
waitingforgodot@samuel.beckett says...
On Tue, 31 Aug 2004 17:19:29 GMT, "Chris Bolton"
<GhostRiderTGAC@rochester.rr.com> wrote:
<(((*> I guess I needed somewhere I could vent my frustration with a long-time
<(((*> friend of mine who seems to be suffering from a certain level of depression.
My guess was bipolar disorder. People are often very angry/irritable
while manic and a pressure to talk constantly. --that would probably
explain how he was able to get a great job/apt. etc. (it's easy to get
oneself together when hypomanic -- but then either mania gets worse or
there's a crash into depression. Of course the schizophrenia may be
right too --
Only a psycniatrist can make the diagnosis. If he is bipolar, he needs
more support now than ever. You might want to take a look at
http://www.dbsalliance.org/PDF/HelpingFamily.pdf I know it's frustrating
dealing with people with bipolar disorder.
First of all, I hear your pain and frustration. It hurts to lose
a friendship, or to feel that it's being threatened. And it's
frustrating because of course you want to help, but he doesn't
seem to accept it.
First of all, I'm not a doctor and I'm not a psychologist, so
anything I say here, you can take with a shaker of salt.
I don't know how old y'all are, but from what you describe, it
occurs to me that your friend might be displaying symptoms of
schizophrenia. As I understand this condition, it can manifest in
one''s late teens or early twenties, and some (not all) of what
you describe appears to match its symptoms.
It could be that, or it could be some other mood disorder or
mental illness.
But no matter what his doctors diagnose, you can't fix him. Only
*he* can work to fix himself.
You only be his friend, but more importantly, you need to take
care of yourself, your wife & family, and your own health and
well-being BEFORE you worry about him.
I hate to say it, but if he won't (or can't) listen to your
loving concern, you might find yourself forced to cut him loose.
I recommend that you find someone, a counsellor or therapist, who
can educate you about your friend's illness, and who can help you
develop the thickness of skin you need to deal with it.
If it helps you at all to vent about it in here, please do.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Related Articles |
|
|
