Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
-----------------------------------

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices
that there are five old ladies --- two in the front seat and three in
the back---eyes wide, and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replie s, "You weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they
haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
119... "

-------------------------------------------


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

--------------------------------------------

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh *****, am I driving?"

--------------------------------------------
An older couple were lying in bed on e night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled
own to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

--------------------------------------------

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
------------------------------------------

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells
own the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the
stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and
help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?