"Criswell The Psychic Weatherman" <ssenate@mindless.com> wrote in message
news:3F137649.1367DA69@mindless.com...

Walter Sobcek wrote:

"Alistaire" <ayabech@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:5d1ebe4.0307140740.4034743e@posting.google.com...

I have exhausted myself on the "friends" I thought I had. They have
made it abundantly clear that they do not wish to bother with me
anymore. Actions most definitely speak louder than words.

There is one that I maintain some contact with (but never more than
instant messaging; whenever I attempt to meet her for anything, she is
ready with an excuse/rejection even though she is always able to make
time for her other friends) who has told me that I am too negative and
this puts people off.

This leaves me in quite a bad place. I am negative because I have no
friends, which means people do not like me, so I have no connection to
the world at large, and thus I am lonely, and thus I am negative. The
only remedy for this is to make friends, however I can not do this
until I am no longer negative.

What am I supposed to do now?

Damn, this is going to sound so stupid, but it's all I can think of.

Your

last paragraph is wrong - you have no friends because you're negative.
Making friends won't make you positive - being positive will make you
friends. Your thoughts become your words and actions. If you want to

change

people's perceptions of you, you have to change >you<. Think different
thoughts, think new thoughts, and they will become your words and

actions.

How you get to do this is not something I can tell you because I don't

know

how I did it myself. All I know is, it's what you have to do. I know

this

might not make sense, and I'm sorry. I can tell you, though, that the

ones

here who are worth talking to aren't going away.
--
Walter
"You're looking at a world of hurt..."

I wish I'd said that. You put down in words what I was thinking but

wasn't

able to express.

Thank you. I guess it wasn't so stupid after all :-D I've seen your writing,
I'm surprised you think you couldn't express it. I think you could.
--
Walter
"You're looking at a world of hurt..."

GlennT <askme@noname.com> wrote in message news:<3F134A20.7B2747CC@noname.com>...

Alistaire wrote:

I have exhausted myself on the "friends" I thought I had. They have
made it abundantly clear that they do not wish to bother with me
anymore. Actions most definitely speak louder than words.

There is one that I maintain some contact with (but never more than
instant messaging; whenever I attempt to meet her for anything, she is
ready with an excuse/rejection even though she is always able to make
time for her other friends) who has told me that I am too negative and
this puts people off.

This leaves me in quite a bad place. I am negative because I have no
friends, which means people do not like me, so I have no connection to
the world at large, and thus I am lonely, and thus I am negative. The
only remedy for this is to make friends, however I can not do this
until I am no longer negative.

What am I supposed to do now?

Shared interests? I don't have friends per se. I have a
relationship and I pour everything I can into it to make it work.
Then I have my hobbies and interests. Then I have children to
look after. Friends were just too hard to maintain.

I think you should try to look inward for the answers... would
you like you?

Yes, I would. Perhaps that is the problem?

Just Ginny wrote:

On 14 Jul 2003 11:54:27 -0700,

I have exhausted myself on the "friends" I thought I had. They have
made it abundantly clear that they do not wish to bother with me
anymore. Actions most definitely speak louder than words.

There is one that I maintain some contact with (but never more than
instant messaging; whenever I attempt to meet her for anything, she
is ready with an excuse/rejection even though she is always able to
make time for her other friends) who has told me that I am too
negative and this puts people off.

This leaves me in quite a bad place. I am negative because I have no
friends, which means people do not like me, so I have no connection
to the world at large, and thus I am lonely, and thus I am negative.
The only remedy for this is to make friends, however I can not do
this until I am no longer negative.

What am I supposed to do now?

I've felt the same way you're describing - caught in a vicious cycle
with no apparent escape. People would tell me things like "Stop being
negative" or "Be your own best friend" - well, that comes
dangerously close to "Snap out of it!" to me, something a depressive
simply can't do. I felt hopeless and exhausted, because the burden of
fighting off my illness was left totally up to me.

I'm in a slightly different spot emotionally now, in that I recognize
that not having close friends is a choice I'm making. I've stopped
being negative (most of the time!), but I can't tell you how I did it
because I have no idea. I suspect being on the right medication
helped. But I'm still bothered by not having close friends; in fact,
I posted on it a couple of days ago.

One thing I learned about my perceptions of other people's feelings
for me is that I tend to take everything much too personally. I might
think that people are staying away from me because they don't like
me, when the truth is that they've gotten involved in other parts of
their lives and I'm not on their minds at all. They aren't
consciously avoiding or excluding me.

To answer your "What am I supposed to do now?" plea, are you seeing a
therapist and/or on medication? It really helps to tell somebody
neutral and non-judgmental how you're feeling. You can keep talking
about it here, too.
--

Ginny

I'm going to give a cheap and cheezy quick fix answer, even though I
know it's one of those things that sounds like it's really easy, but
it can be a lifetime of work.

I've found this excellent little book, written simply, but not talking
down to you, called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Although the book is mainly about four agreements that you make with
yourself, they actually result in many more smaller agreements that
you make with yourself every moment of every day. I'm going to quote
from the inner cover flap, and yes, I know, it *sounds* so much easier
than it is, because I know I break these agreements with myself *all*
the time.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD - I already know you do this, so it's
almost redundant to tell you to do what you do naturally.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY - That's the one I break a lot, so I
know this is a real toughie. The flap says, "Nothing others do is
because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own
reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and
actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS - The other one I'm always breaking. The flap
says - "Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you
really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid
misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement,
you can completely transform your life."

In one of the follow-up books, the author says that Don Miguel Ruiz
transformed her life, but this is *not* true, although she may believe
it. Don Miguel showed her that she has the tools, and how to use them,
but she was the one who transformed her own life. Don't believe
anyone who says, "Don Miguel Ruiz transformed my life," when the
truth is that "Don Miguel showed me how to transform my own life."

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST - Believe it or not it's impossible to break this
agreement, because, whatever you do at any time *is* the best you can
do at that time, with what you have available at that time. You
always *do* do your best.

--
"A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses;
it is an idea that possesses the mind." Robert Bolton
Criswell The Psychic Weatherman
ssenate@mindless.com

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST - Believe it or not it's impossible to break this
agreement, because, whatever you do at any time *is* the best you can do

that time, with what you have available at that time. You always *do* do
your best.