<(((*> It'll be nice to feel what emotions were going on for the first time ever
<(((*> when you or mum did whatever you did, won't it?

It'll be nice to feel what emotions were going on for the first time ever
when you or mum did whatever you did, won't it?

Son.

I am a drunk with a violent temper with little if any time for you son.
Sometimes I shout at you and you cry. I like to see you cry, I get pleasure
from it and it makes me feel good. Sometimes I'm really mean to you. Often
I'll physically hurt you, deny you those things that you're programmed to
seek out such as security and warmth. I like this feeling inside, this sense
of power as you standsbefore me terrified, disempowering you, battering your
confidence, obeying my every order. Sometimes you try to fight back, but I'm
a lot bigger than you, so it's easy to control you emotionally and
physically. Army days boy, army days..... RSM Father, stand by your beds.

Well done Michael, I now have you trained to obey. Words are no longer
necessary as you're more than keen to please me. l only have to look at you
and you come running.

Now I come to think of it, you don't speak to anyone do you?

I am dead now, but you don't seem to miss me Michael.

Hello Dad, what's this bag you've left me dad? I can't open it, it seems
sealed shut with a secure padlock and a security guard the likes of which
I've never seen before. I know it's mine because it's locked deep inside of
me. There's someone guarding the bag dad, he's huge, very dark, very menacing
with energy that is just frighteningly awesome. He knows you dad. I don't
know whether he likes you or not, but he certainly knows you and you're no
match for him. To him you're someone to be avoided, he could crush you in
seconds.

I found a locksmith who'll help me open it. We've been picking the lock for
five years now, and it's only now that I can catch a glimpse of what's
inside.

The bag keeper doesn't necessarily like me picking the lock. It obviously
contains things that aren't really suitable for my eyes. But i'm pig headed
and continue to pick away at the combination just to get into the bag.
Sometimes the bag keeper really gets pissed at my constant picking. I know
when I've gone far too much because he switches my personality from closeness
to hostile. And if I don't listen to him, he'll sometimes fire a warning shot
overhead. I know if I've pushed too hard - he'll try and kill me. I am
learning to negotiate with the keeper of the bag. He has only just begun to
trust me with it's contents. Every now and again he'll allow me a sneak peek.

This is interesting dad, it contains everything, my whole past spent with you
and mum. Here's every place that we've ever been, every word ever spoken,
every punch, every threat, every holiday, every agrement, every smile, every
frown, every punishment, every pain, every damn fucking experience ever -
good or bad is locked away in my little bag of repressed emotions.

I didn't realise that someone was recording this stuff and keeping it for me.

This bag is big dad. It contains experiences and emotions that are terrifying
me for the first time ever. I'll sneak a peek inside, and the dust wafts up
my nose sending me like grade A1 Heroin.

Maybe we could book a seat at the flashback cinema and together we can watch
billions of random images in full sensoround.

It'll be nice to feel what emotions were going on for the first time ever
when you or mum did whatever you did, won't it?




Just incase you think I'm mad

http://www.sidran.org/didbr.html

When faced with overwhelmingly traumatic situations from which there is no
physical escape, a child may resort to "going away" in his or her head.
Children typically use this ability as an extremely effective defense against
acute physical and emotional pain, or anxious anticipation of that pain. By
this dissociative process, thoughts, feelings, memories, and perceptions of
the traumatic experiences can be separated off psychologically, allowing the
child to function as if the trauma had not occurred.

Often, even after the traumatic circumstances are long past, the left-over
pattern of defensive dissociation remains. Chronic defensive dissociation may
lead to serious dysfunction in work, social, and daily activities.

Repeated dissociation may result in a series of separate entities, or mental
states, which may eventually take on identities of their own. These entities
may become the internal "personality states" of a DID system. Changing
between these states of consciousness is often described as "switching."