Now, there's a word for ya.

So, last night, I heard a song that sent me into an absolute
downward
spiral. I was having a FANTASTIC day up till that point, and next
thing ya know, I was locked in my office with a loaded handgun at
my
side, unable to see clearly for the tears pouring from my eyes, and
unable to think clearly for the voices telling me to "Die, die, die."

Bad fucking place to be, most folks would say.

So the wife runs next door, calls for help, and for the second time
in
six weeks, the cops are at my home, trying to help the guy who
can't
seem to help himself.

Let's recap: I've stabbed myself. I've tried to poison myself. I've
tried "suicide by cop," and now nearly shot my face off. All in a
matter of six weeks. It seems that I certainly believe in the old
adage that "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again!"

I am the ultimate "man with a plan," ladies and gentlemen.

But, alas, I digress. They convince me to go to the hospital. I get
there and a social worker asks if I will "contract my safety" with
her, which I do. They call my PDOC and I speak with him over the
phone.

"Do you want to stay in the hospital," he asks? Three hours have
elapsed at this point.

"Ummm...no doc, I don't believe I do," I respond in my best Eric
Cartman imitation.

The PDOC speaks to the attending, who then hangs up and tells
me I'm
free to go.

"Screw you guys! I'm going...home."

I get back home, and analyze the quote/unquote "scene of the
crime."
<thanks, arlo>

I do all the analysis and introspection, then go to bed.

Which leads me to this point. Perspicacity. n. acuteness of
perception, discernment, or understanding.

As much as I try to delude myself that I am actually recovering from
depression, I am able to discern that my true motives are to
continue
down this path of self-destruction until I am dead.

And unless I change this mindset, I will.

I can talk all day about how much sunsets mean to me, and my
neurons
can bathe in serotonin until they are pickled, all that is superficial
as long as my objective is to do myself in.

Thus, I am acutely aware of this: Until my goal is to live, I will
continue to die.
--
Michel

[snip]
Thus, I am acutely aware of this: Until my goal is to live, I will
continue to die.
--
Michel