Sociology > Depression > Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is "Worthlessand Dumb" (from _The Onion_)
| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Noon Cat Nick" |
| Date: |
28 Nov 2007 07:50:44 AM |
| Object: |
Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is "Worthlessand Dumb" (from _The Onion_) |
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ--At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of
Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest
anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he described as "a totally stupid
waste of time that probably nobody will ever want ever."
Though from the outset, BHP had hoped the new medication would
revolutionize the treatment of depression, Cafazzo is less than
enthusiastic about its chances against such industry leaders as Prozac
and Zoloft.
"Cyntrex? Yeah, right. More like, Stupidtrex," a visibly downcast
Cafazzo told reporters. "More like,
Another-Awful-Product-That-Will-Probably-Make-Us-All-Bankruptrex. More
like, I suck."
The new drug, which stimulates the production of neurotransmitters in
sync with the body's natural diurnal catecholamine rhythms--causing a
more even mood level than the frequent "crest and trough" patterns
associated with traditional psychoactive medicinal treatments--is
something that "everybody will laugh at," Cafazzo said.
Among the reasons Cafazzo cited for Cyntrex's "totally doomed future" is
BHP's inability to do anything half as well as its chief competitors.
"Prozac is so great," Cafazzo said. "We'll never make anybody as happy
as Prozac does. I just know it."
Added Cafazzo: "My life is *****."
The release of Cyntrex is the latest bold move by BHP, which has
increased its share of the mental-health drug market from 7 to 11
percent during the five years Cafazzo has been the company's CEO,
causing many to view BHP as the rising giant in $150 billion
pharmaceutical industry.
Cafazzo, however, questions the validity of such an appraisal. "Eleven
percent? Oh, I'm sure. Like a company's really going to do that well
with such a total fucking loser ***** for a boss."
"Maybe I'll get a raise," he said. "Then I can use the money to buy a
gun to blow my head off."
According to reports, top BHP researchers began having doubts about the
drug during the early development stages, when they realized they
couldn't do anything right ever ever ever, and that none of the
pharmaceutical-industry leaders cared whether they lived or died. But
work on the project continued, despite BHP's growing conviction that
Cyntrex would be the worst product in pharmaceutical history.
"We should have just stopped trying back then during the development
stage," BHP lab assistant Peter Ayers said. "But, no, we had to go and
make ourselves look like idiots in front of the whole world. Us and our
lousy little pills both. Why?"
Ayers then began beating his fists into the sides of his head while
staring at the floor, repeating, "Why? Why, why, why, why, why?" before
being restrained by loved ones.
Fellow BHP researcher Harlan Downing said that, in addition to treating
depression, Cyntrex may have numerous other uses. "There is a strong
possibility," Downing said, "that the particular disinhibitors activated
by Cyntrex may be of great benefit in the treatment of Alzheimer's
Disease." He then admitted that the drug will not be ready for such use
for some time, repeatedly hitting his forehead into a wall and gently
mumbling under his breath.
BHP's chief rival in the mood-altering drug field is Stafford Labs,
manufacturer of Prozac. Stafford CEO Margaret Curry expressed faith that
Prozac would maintain its position despite the new competition.
"We will emerge triumphant, for I am Margaret Curry, president of
Stafford Labs!" she said. "My power is as of 50 CEOs! My marketing savvy
is as of a legion of PR firms! My tricyclic monoinhibitor is a boon unto
the people and a beacon unto the nations! My new promotional campaign to
enhance brand awareness and increase market saturation of Prozac shall
be cloaked in radiant beams of persuasive glory!"
.
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| User: "ktrout" |
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| Title: Re: Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is "Worthlessand Dumb" (from _The Onion_) |
28 Nov 2007 08:53:38 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
On Nov 28, 8:50 am, Noon Cat Nick <chatdemidiSPAMBEG...@hotmail.com>
wrote:
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ--At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of
Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest
anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he described as "a totally stupid
waste of time that probably nobody will ever want ever."
this is one of my all-time favorite onion articles.
j.
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