Hi,

This is a sort-of random plea for help. Frankly, I have my
doubts, but I'm going to write anyway. Please excuse my negativity in
advance.

I am addicted to several negative things, sometimes in phases,
sometimes constant. The worst of these addictions is sexual addiction
- I became addicted to pornography at a young age. To further
medicate, I went and continue to go through periods of alcohol abuse,
compulsive spending, gambling and even over-eating.

I have confronted my addictions. For years now I have read every
book on sexual addiction, been to group therapy, counseling; you name
it. I spent hours (and I do mean hours) a day studying God's word,
and finally found a basis for my salvation in knowledge - as I feel
nothing positive I sought out knowledge. In short, I have poured 90%
of my life into recovery for the last 2 years.

Nothing worked. In fact, I became worse. Where periods of
sobriety strengthens others, it harms me - as I never 'feel' better.
And the more I try and "Do" to fight the addictions, the worse I get.
About a month ago, my wife left me as I have this horrible sense of
hopelessness and negativity about me. Basically - I go through
stages. I feel hopeless, act out through addiction, and then pump all
of my energy into recovery, which temporarily propels me into what
seems like a 'positive, self-motivated' mood. 2 days go by, and all
of my efforts fail - the sky is still black - and I repeat the
addictive cycle.

It took my wife leaving and living alone to suddenly make me
realize that the addictions aren't the root of the problem, DEPRESSION
is. As in real, clinical depression. I had never considered it. I
finally had hope. For the first time in my life, I actually forgave
myself just a bit. It made sense - if there's something wrong in my
brain, and I cannot receive joy - no wonder I take such desperate
measures to feel joy - even if it's temporary and self-defeating.

So I dove straight into solving depression. I've read books. I
went to professional help. They spent 2 hours with me, and prescribed
Abilify. I took it. I got really angry within about 5 hours - and
then got lost driving. I called them 5 times before they finally
returned a call and told me to get off of it and prescribed 100mg of
generic Wellbutrin. This did nothing for 3 weeks other than a few
audible hallucinations.

Yet I remained patient. My follow-up visit lasted an amazing 5
minutes. They were behind schedule. In out, let's try a lower dosage
of Ablilify and the 100mg of Wellbutrin, say a quick prayer and see
ya! They told me 100mg is too low of a dose but let's stick with it
for now. WTF is the point if it's too low? Yet, being cooperative, I
gave it another go. I forgot my own passcode to my alarm system and
set that off the next day. Keep in mind I'm in my mid-20's here.
Abilify does nothing for me other than stop me from being able to
remember things clearly. So the doc asked me to call him when that
didn't work. I did. They don't call me back. Screw them.

Someone suggested SAM-e. So I stopped the Wellbutrin (having
already stopped the Abilify after the alarm/alzheimer's episode) and
I've been on that for about 5 days at 1600MG. I noticed some positive
effects for a couple of hours at a time, but then it vanishes – which
makes the lows feel even lower. I plan on taking it at least until I
go back to wonder-doc.

-

Now to my point. I'm losing my mind. I'm so frustrated with
this sh*t that I'd be lying if I said I wasn't considering giving up
by whatever means possible. I pump 75% of my effort into 'recovery',
whatever that is - and 25% in being incredibly and fakely cheerful and
happy around everyone at work or in society. But I'm ready to blow
up.

I keep hurting myself. I've put on 20lbs in the last couple of
months. I eat and eat. Every 2 or 3 days I return to sexual
addiction. I go to great lengths to stop myself, canceling accounts,
smashing equipment with hammers - only to rebuy and rebuild it all. I
go drink every couple of weeks just because that's my only way to hang
out with anyone I know. I'd like to know other people who do things
other than drink, but at the moment, I don't know any people like
that. I eat all day long to the point I'm sick. I can't think
straight.

In short, I'm a fscking mess. And I'm pretty damn sick of it as
well. I'm convinced that it's not possible to pump any more efforts
into getting well vs what I'm doing. My entire existence revolves
around this. I can't even focus on work. I can't stand work because
I can't stop thinking about depression and addiction. I'm tired of
feeling guilty about all of these addictions. There are so many. I
just go around and around – sexual addiction, drink, gamble, eat eat
eat, spend spend spend, debt debt, drink, etc. I have no idea what to
do with the situation regarding my absent wife. She must want
results, but I feel like I'm blindfolded being told to run on the path
to safety. I must be quite a downer, yeah. Hell, I'd leave me too -
and that's just the point - I'm about ready to.

No one can live like this for long. It's absolutely maddening.
Being Christian, I feel a horrible conviction of sin over these
addictions. I hate the addictive behavior - yet it's the only way to
medicate this horrible depression. We can put on a hat and say
"That's not right, don't use addictions to medicate!" but let's face
facts, without sometime positive in its place (and I've tried
everything I can think of) I return to the addictions. They work,
temporarily - nothing else has yet. Like today. It just sinks in
right in the middle of the day. I suddenly can't do anything. I
can't work. I'm dead exhausted and have to fight to keep my eyes
open. I can't think. I have to make excuses and arrange to leave
early. I come home. Now, what presented itself as evening activities
yesterday - riding a bike, playing a video game, picking up - are
gone. There's nothing there but this horrible exhaustion. And I
don't want to sleep. I shouldn't be tired, I hate feeling tired for
no reason. I can't shut my eyes because all I think about is how
miserable I am. So I spend 90 minutes rebuilding a computer so I can
view pornography.

And this is what scares me. I closely mentally documented my own
steps. The depression is horrible. I'm honestly willing to trade
weeks of shame over sexual addiction for 2 hours of distraction. And
I can't lie to myself – I clearly make that conscious decision. When
I'm not 100% depressed, I tell myself – DON'T MAKE THAT DECISION – yet
when I am, I CLEARLY make it, and I see why tonight. I have no other
option. When the depression comes back, I'll do something else bad -
drink, gamble - whatever. I have to get away from it.

-

I'm at wits end. I can't take the shame anymore. Acting upon
these addictions kill me. I look fat. I can't stand myself.
Honestly, I hate my own brain. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of
reading books that don't help. I'm tired of not knowing anyone. I
don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired
of giving doctors and therapists money and they don't give a flying
fsck about helping me despite how incredibly cooperative, open and
willing I am to any sort of treatment.

Most of all - I'm sick of no one understanding. The addiction
related groups don't work for me. There's is a cycle of shame and
ritual. Mine is a cycle of despair. They can heal by healing the
shame. I grow more insane by healing the shame and being left with
increasing despair.

My wife left, and who can blame her? We've only been married for
less than 2 years. I think the goal is for me to get better somehow.
It's just another thing to try for me, and a last effort for her. Yet
here's another problem, I don't know WTF to do. I live here by
myself. I invent all sorts of 'plans' for me - more exercise, better
eating habits, restraints on Internet access, etc. - But I only grow
MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED and defeat my own plans. I can't explain how
hard I try to help myself. But it's so self-defeating.

Simply put, I need any advice on ridding myself of this
depression. I simply can't keep doing this. I'm like a roller
coaster. And I live by myself, I've had to remove all friends from my
life as they are all bad influences (drunks mainly) - and even my dog
stays in the other room when I'm depressed. I'm like a void to any
living thing that's around.

I want help. I'm open to treatment. I can go to another doctor
- but it's at least 5 weeks out just to get in for another 15 minutes
visit. I rarely see my wife. I feel like a countdown timer is on me
and that I have 3 months to get well or my marriage is over. Tick
tock tick tock. But I can't even find the starting gate. Isn't there
anyone who actually gives a damn about this? These doctors clearly
don't take someone who 1) Appears positive 2) Explains clearly that
he/she is making a great effort to appear positive and is actually not
/ seriously. And I look at myself in the mirror and I'd like to beat
the ***** out of myself. And I see myself hating and hating myself
more and more each day and it scares me. And lastly I'm tired of
pumping so much effort into being a positive person around others.

The only thing that stops me from hurting myself is the
KNOWLEDGE that something is clearly wrong with my brain. Yet with
each week that goes by with no results, despite my efforts, I'm even
worse off than when I didn't realize I had depression. KNOWING and
not having any solution is horrible.

I feel like I have strep throat and no one will give me
medicine.

Blah.

Hi,

This is a sort-of random plea for help. Frankly, I have my
doubts, but I'm going to write anyway. Please excuse my negativity in
advance.

I am addicted to several negative things, sometimes in phases,
sometimes constant. The worst of these addictions is sexual addiction
- I became addicted to pornography at a young age. To further
medicate, I went and continue to go through periods of alcohol abuse,
compulsive spending, gambling and even over-eating.

I have confronted my addictions. For years now I have read every
book on sexual addiction, been to group therapy, counseling; you name
it. I spent hours (and I do mean hours) a day studying God's word,
and finally found a basis for my salvation in knowledge - as I feel
nothing positive I sought out knowledge. In short, I have poured 90%
of my life into recovery for the last 2 years.

Nothing worked. In fact, I became worse. Where periods of
sobriety strengthens others, it harms me - as I never 'feel' better.
And the more I try and "Do" to fight the addictions, the worse I get.
About a month ago, my wife left me as I have this horrible sense of
hopelessness and negativity about me. Basically - I go through
stages. I feel hopeless, act out through addiction, and then pump all
of my energy into recovery, which temporarily propels me into what
seems like a 'positive, self-motivated' mood. 2 days go by, and all
of my efforts fail - the sky is still black - and I repeat the
addictive cycle.

It took my wife leaving and living alone to suddenly make me
realize that the addictions aren't the root of the problem, DEPRESSION
is. As in real, clinical depression. I had never considered it. I
finally had hope. For the first time in my life, I actually forgave
myself just a bit. It made sense - if there's something wrong in my
brain, and I cannot receive joy - no wonder I take such desperate
measures to feel joy - even if it's temporary and self-defeating.

So I dove straight into solving depression. I've read books. I
went to professional help. They spent 2 hours with me, and prescribed
Abilify. I took it. I got really angry within about 5 hours - and
then got lost driving. I called them 5 times before they finally
returned a call and told me to get off of it and prescribed 100mg of
generic Wellbutrin. This did nothing for 3 weeks other than a few
audible hallucinations.

Yet I remained patient. My follow-up visit lasted an amazing 5
minutes. They were behind schedule. In out, let's try a lower dosage
of Ablilify and the 100mg of Wellbutrin, say a quick prayer and see
ya! They told me 100mg is too low of a dose but let's stick with it
for now. WTF is the point if it's too low? Yet, being cooperative, I
gave it another go. I forgot my own passcode to my alarm system and
set that off the next day. Keep in mind I'm in my mid-20's here.
Abilify does nothing for me other than stop me from being able to
remember things clearly. So the doc asked me to call him when that
didn't work. I did. They don't call me back. Screw them.

Someone suggested SAM-e. So I stopped the Wellbutrin (having
already stopped the Abilify after the alarm/alzheimer's episode) and
I've been on that for about 5 days at 1600MG. I noticed some positive
effects for a couple of hours at a time, but then it vanishes - which
makes the lows feel even lower. I plan on taking it at least until I
go back to wonder-doc.

-

Now to my point. I'm losing my mind. I'm so frustrated with
this sh*t that I'd be lying if I said I wasn't considering giving up
by whatever means possible. I pump 75% of my effort into 'recovery',
whatever that is - and 25% in being incredibly and fakely cheerful and
happy around everyone at work or in society. But I'm ready to blow
up.

I keep hurting myself. I've put on 20lbs in the last couple of
months. I eat and eat. Every 2 or 3 days I return to sexual
addiction. I go to great lengths to stop myself, canceling accounts,
smashing equipment with hammers - only to rebuy and rebuild it all. I
go drink every couple of weeks just because that's my only way to hang
out with anyone I know. I'd like to know other people who do things
other than drink, but at the moment, I don't know any people like
that. I eat all day long to the point I'm sick. I can't think
straight.

In short, I'm a fscking mess. And I'm pretty damn sick of it as
well. I'm convinced that it's not possible to pump any more efforts
into getting well vs what I'm doing. My entire existence revolves
around this. I can't even focus on work. I can't stand work because
I can't stop thinking about depression and addiction. I'm tired of
feeling guilty about all of these addictions. There are so many. I
just go around and around - sexual addiction, drink, gamble, eat eat
eat, spend spend spend, debt debt, drink, etc. I have no idea what to
do with the situation regarding my absent wife. She must want
results, but I feel like I'm blindfolded being told to run on the path
to safety. I must be quite a downer, yeah. Hell, I'd leave me too -
and that's just the point - I'm about ready to.

No one can live like this for long. It's absolutely maddening.
Being Christian, I feel a horrible conviction of sin over these
addictions. I hate the addictive behavior - yet it's the only way to
medicate this horrible depression. We can put on a hat and say
"That's not right, don't use addictions to medicate!" but let's face
facts, without sometime positive in its place (and I've tried
everything I can think of) I return to the addictions. They work,
temporarily - nothing else has yet. Like today. It just sinks in
right in the middle of the day. I suddenly can't do anything. I
can't work. I'm dead exhausted and have to fight to keep my eyes
open. I can't think. I have to make excuses and arrange to leave
early. I come home. Now, what presented itself as evening activities
yesterday - riding a bike, playing a video game, picking up - are
gone. There's nothing there but this horrible exhaustion. And I
don't want to sleep. I shouldn't be tired, I hate feeling tired for
no reason. I can't shut my eyes because all I think about is how
miserable I am. So I spend 90 minutes rebuilding a computer so I can
view pornography.

And this is what scares me. I closely mentally documented my own
steps. The depression is horrible. I'm honestly willing to trade
weeks of shame over sexual addiction for 2 hours of distraction. And
I can't lie to myself - I clearly make that conscious decision. When
I'm not 100% depressed, I tell myself - DON'T MAKE THAT DECISION - yet
when I am, I CLEARLY make it, and I see why tonight. I have no other
option. When the depression comes back, I'll do something else bad -
drink, gamble - whatever. I have to get away from it.

-

I'm at wits end. I can't take the shame anymore. Acting upon
these addictions kill me. I look fat. I can't stand myself.
Honestly, I hate my own brain. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of
reading books that don't help. I'm tired of not knowing anyone. I
don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired
of giving doctors and therapists money and they don't give a flying
fsck about helping me despite how incredibly cooperative, open and
willing I am to any sort of treatment.

Most of all - I'm sick of no one understanding. The addiction
related groups don't work for me. There's is a cycle of shame and
ritual. Mine is a cycle of despair. They can heal by healing the
shame. I grow more insane by healing the shame and being left with
increasing despair.

My wife left, and who can blame her? We've only been married for
less than 2 years. I think the goal is for me to get better somehow.
It's just another thing to try for me, and a last effort for her. Yet
here's another problem, I don't know WTF to do. I live here by
myself. I invent all sorts of 'plans' for me - more exercise, better
eating habits, restraints on Internet access, etc. - But I only grow
MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED and defeat my own plans. I can't explain how
hard I try to help myself. But it's so self-defeating.

Simply put, I need any advice on ridding myself of this
depression. I simply can't keep doing this. I'm like a roller
coaster. And I live by myself, I've had to remove all friends from my
life as they are all bad influences (drunks mainly) - and even my dog
stays in the other room when I'm depressed. I'm like a void to any
living thing that's around.

I want help. I'm open to treatment. I can go to another doctor
- but it's at least 5 weeks out just to get in for another 15 minutes
visit. I rarely see my wife. I feel like a countdown timer is on me
and that I have 3 months to get well or my marriage is over. Tick
tock tick tock. But I can't even find the starting gate. Isn't there
anyone who actually gives a damn about this? These doctors clearly
don't take someone who 1) Appears positive 2) Explains clearly that
he/she is making a great effort to appear positive and is actually not
/ seriously. And I look at myself in the mirror and I'd like to beat
the ***** out of myself. And I see myself hating and hating myself
more and more each day and it scares me. And lastly I'm tired of
pumping so much effort into being a positive person around others.

The only thing that stops me from hurting myself is the
KNOWLEDGE that something is clearly wrong with my brain. Yet with
each week that goes by with no results, despite my efforts, I'm even
worse off than when I didn't realize I had depression. KNOWING and
not having any solution is horrible.

I feel like I have strep throat and no one will give me
medicine.

Blah.

Hi,

This is a sort-of random plea for help. Frankly, I have my
doubts, but I'm going to write anyway. Please excuse my negativity in
advance.

I am addicted to several negative things, sometimes in phases,
sometimes constant. The worst of these addictions is sexual addiction
- I became addicted to pornography at a young age. To further
medicate, I went and continue to go through periods of alcohol abuse,
compulsive spending, gambling and even over-eating.

I have confronted my addictions. For years now I have read every
book on sexual addiction, been to group therapy, counseling; you name
it. I spent hours (and I do mean hours) a day studying God's word,
and finally found a basis for my salvation in knowledge - as I feel
nothing positive I sought out knowledge. In short, I have poured 90%
of my life into recovery for the last 2 years.

Nothing worked. In fact, I became worse. Where periods of
sobriety strengthens others, it harms me - as I never 'feel' better.
And the more I try and "Do" to fight the addictions, the worse I get.
About a month ago, my wife left me as I have this horrible sense of
hopelessness and negativity about me. Basically - I go through
stages. I feel hopeless, act out through addiction, and then pump all
of my energy into recovery, which temporarily propels me into what
seems like a 'positive, self-motivated' mood. 2 days go by, and all
of my efforts fail - the sky is still black - and I repeat the
addictive cycle.

It took my wife leaving and living alone to suddenly make me
realize that the addictions aren't the root of the problem, DEPRESSION
is. As in real, clinical depression. I had never considered it. I
finally had hope. For the first time in my life, I actually forgave
myself just a bit. It made sense - if there's something wrong in my
brain, and I cannot receive joy - no wonder I take such desperate
measures to feel joy - even if it's temporary and self-defeating.

So I dove straight into solving depression. I've read books. I
went to professional help. They spent 2 hours with me, and prescribed
Abilify. I took it. I got really angry within about 5 hours - and
then got lost driving. I called them 5 times before they finally
returned a call and told me to get off of it and prescribed 100mg of
generic Wellbutrin. This did nothing for 3 weeks other than a few
audible hallucinations.

Yet I remained patient. My follow-up visit lasted an amazing 5
minutes. They were behind schedule. In out, let's try a lower dosage
of Ablilify and the 100mg of Wellbutrin, say a quick prayer and see
ya! They told me 100mg is too low of a dose but let's stick with it
for now. WTF is the point if it's too low? Yet, being cooperative, I
gave it another go. I forgot my own passcode to my alarm system and
set that off the next day. Keep in mind I'm in my mid-20's here.
Abilify does nothing for me other than stop me from being able to
remember things clearly. So the doc asked me to call him when that
didn't work. I did. They don't call me back. Screw them.

Someone suggested SAM-e. So I stopped the Wellbutrin (having
already stopped the Abilify after the alarm/alzheimer's episode) and
I've been on that for about 5 days at 1600MG. I noticed some positive
effects for a couple of hours at a time, but then it vanishes - which
makes the lows feel even lower. I plan on taking it at least until I
go back to wonder-doc.

-

Now to my point. I'm losing my mind. I'm so frustrated with
this sh*t that I'd be lying if I said I wasn't considering giving up
by whatever means possible. I pump 75% of my effort into 'recovery',
whatever that is - and 25% in being incredibly and fakely cheerful and
happy around everyone at work or in society. But I'm ready to blow
up.

I keep hurting myself. I've put on 20lbs in the last couple of
months. I eat and eat. Every 2 or 3 days I return to sexual
addiction. I go to great lengths to stop myself, canceling accounts,
smashing equipment with hammers - only to rebuy and rebuild it all. I
go drink every couple of weeks just because that's my only way to hang
out with anyone I know. I'd like to know other people who do things
other than drink, but at the moment, I don't know any people like
that. I eat all day long to the point I'm sick. I can't think
straight.

In short, I'm a fscking mess. And I'm pretty damn sick of it as
well. I'm convinced that it's not possible to pump any more efforts
into getting well vs what I'm doing. My entire existence revolves
around this. I can't even focus on work. I can't stand work because
I can't stop thinking about depression and addiction. I'm tired of
feeling guilty about all of these addictions. There are so many. I
just go around and around - sexual addiction, drink, gamble, eat eat
eat, spend spend spend, debt debt, drink, etc. I have no idea what to
do with the situation regarding my absent wife. She must want
results, but I feel like I'm blindfolded being told to run on the path
to safety. I must be quite a downer, yeah. Hell, I'd leave me too -
and that's just the point - I'm about ready to.

No one can live like this for long. It's absolutely maddening.
Being Christian, I feel a horrible conviction of sin over these
addictions. I hate the addictive behavior - yet it's the only way to
medicate this horrible depression. We can put on a hat and say
"That's not right, don't use addictions to medicate!" but let's face
facts, without sometime positive in its place (and I've tried
everything I can think of) I return to the addictions. They work,
temporarily - nothing else has yet. Like today. It just sinks in
right in the middle of the day. I suddenly can't do anything. I
can't work. I'm dead exhausted and have to fight to keep my eyes
open. I can't think. I have to make excuses and arrange to leave
early. I come home. Now, what presented itself as evening activities
yesterday - riding a bike, playing a video game, picking up - are
gone. There's nothing there but this horrible exhaustion. And I
don't want to sleep. I shouldn't be tired, I hate feeling tired for
no reason. I can't shut my eyes because all I think about is how
miserable I am. So I spend 90 minutes rebuilding a computer so I can
view pornography.

And this is what scares me. I closely mentally documented my own
steps. The depression is horrible. I'm honestly willing to trade
weeks of shame over sexual addiction for 2 hours of distraction. And
I can't lie to myself - I clearly make that conscious decision. When
I'm not 100% depressed, I tell myself - DON'T MAKE THAT DECISION - yet
when I am, I CLEARLY make it, and I see why tonight. I have no other
option. When the depression comes back, I'll do something else bad -
drink, gamble - whatever. I have to get away from it.

-

I'm at wits end. I can't take the shame anymore. Acting upon
these addictions kill me. I look fat. I can't stand myself.
Honestly, I hate my own brain. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of
reading books that don't help. I'm tired of not knowing anyone. I
don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired
of giving doctors and therapists money and they don't give a flying
fsck about helping me despite how incredibly cooperative, open and
willing I am to any sort of treatment.

Most of all - I'm sick of no one understanding. The addiction
related groups don't work for me. There's is a cycle of shame and
ritual. Mine is a cycle of despair. They can heal by healing the
shame. I grow more insane by healing the shame and being left with
increasing despair.

My wife left, and who can blame her? We've only been married for
less than 2 years. I think the goal is for me to get better somehow.
It's just another thing to try for me, and a last effort for her. Yet
here's another problem, I don't know WTF to do. I live here by
myself. I invent all sorts of 'plans' for me - more exercise, better
eating habits, restraints on Internet access, etc. - But I only grow
MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED and defeat my own plans. I can't explain how
hard I try to help myself. But it's so self-defeating.

Simply put, I need any advice on ridding myself of this
depression. I simply can't keep doing this. I'm like a roller
coaster. And I live by myself, I've had to remove all friends from my
life as they are all bad influences (drunks mainly) - and even my dog
stays in the other room when I'm depressed. I'm like a void to any
living thing that's around.

I want help. I'm open to treatment. I can go to another doctor
- but it's at least 5 weeks out just to get in for another 15 minutes
visit. I rarely see my wife. I feel like a countdown timer is on me
and that I have 3 months to get well or my marriage is over. Tick
tock tick tock. But I can't even find the starting gate. Isn't there
anyone who actually gives a damn about this? These doctors clearly
don't take someone who 1) Appears positive 2) Explains clearly that
he/she is making a great effort to appear positive and is actually not
/ seriously. And I look at myself in the mirror and I'd like to beat
the ***** out of myself. And I see myself hating and hating myself
more and more each day and it scares me. And lastly I'm tired of
pumping so much effort into being a positive person around others.

The only thing that stops me from hurting myself is the
KNOWLEDGE that something is clearly wrong with my brain. Yet with
each week that goes by with no results, despite my efforts, I'm even
worse off than when I didn't realize I had depression. KNOWING and
not having any solution is horrible.

I feel like I have strep throat and no one will give me
medicine.

Blah.