Hello

I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my message. I
need help and have no idea how to get it. I am a 38 year old male,
married to a wonderful woman who loves me and would do anything for
me. We have 4 children. My two oldest are girls, age 6, & age 4. My
Two boys are the youngest at age 23 months and age 11 months. My
family and I are a part of a Christian faith and attend fairly
regularly but I feel lonely and empty there even though I know I want
to be in this particular faith. I am a self-employed Computer
programmer that is currently out of work. My wife has ended up taking
a job in which she is able to bring in enough to make our house and
car payment. I on the other hand have become almost useless. She
basically spends most of her time trying to cheer my up and keep me
from committing suicide. I probably don't really want to commit
suicide. I just want to cease to exist.

My problems seem endless. I am extremely hypersensitive to people and
nearly beg for their friendship when I first meet them. We have many
good friends that do enjoy being with us and I know love us. I have a
complicated personality. I love to be the center of attention and to
make people laugh, which I am fairly good at as I have a knack with
humor, but absolutely am devastated when I think people are laughing
AT me or talking about me behind my back, which I think about all the
time. Weird huh?

When someone hurts my feelings I can spend all night long crying about
it. I feel like a complete baby that I am as old as I am, and a man
No less, and that I STILL act this way and have the same massive
insecurities and worries. I know a lot of it stems from my childhood
and again it's ridiculous but I still deeply hurt from the events that
happened to me. I know this is going to sound like a boo-hoo story,
but I don't know how else to explain it. We grew up in a small town
and we were extremely poor and backward. I had bucked-teeth and was
made fun of constantly from 1st grade until I graduated from high
school. Every single day of school I was terrified that I would get
beat up by the bullies that new I would cry or get my feelings hurt.
I never learned that it would have stopped if I just would have stood
up to 2 or 3 of them, even if I would have got my clock cleaned, they
would have left my alone after that. I also could never stop letting
it hurt me. As a result of this I still to this day rehears
incredibly embarrassing moments that happened years ago and play them
over and over in my mind and have murderous revengeful anger towards
these people. I now don't have to teeth problem anymore and I we
live in a slightly upper-middle class neighborhood so I don't feel
like I"m the poor boy. But I still feel backward as I never finished
my formal education and in the back of my mind I always just know that
people will find out the truth. That I am just a loser from a small
town that will eventually amount to nothing. zero. My self-esteem
now is affected by the fact that I'm 50 pounds overweight. I always
feel people see me as just the wimpy fat guy now. On top of this I
have massive panic attacks. I have been taking xanax and Klonipin
which have helped with those but not the overall problem.

The terrorist attacks and the economy have been incredibly
devastating. I have been an extremely worrier. The type the fears
the end of the world, earthquakes, tornadoes and other national
disasters, death of loved ones, and also the extreme fear of not being
able to provide for my family which right now has become a
self-fulfulling prophecy. I feel frozen. Completely afraid to go out
into the world and even attempt to look for a job. The 90's were
really good to me as there were to many people I guess. I felt like
I was on top of the world and we were able to build a home that though
many would think it was just a generic track-home, in my eyes it is my
dream home, something I never ever in my wildest dreams did I ever
think I would have. Now however I feel like I sink more every day.
I hate life. I want to die. I want god to take me. This has
lasted for about a year and a half. Basically when I began losing my
clientele due to the cutbacks. My ego road largely on my ability to
make over $100 k a year. I know that many people don't even see that
and that I was fortunate and even spoiled in some respects to get that
for the time that I did.

As I said before I constantly get my feelings hurt by people. It's
usually by the snoot in the community that intentionally leaves us out
of a social gathering, or the arrogant guy that puts you down to make
himself feel better. Or because someone that I think likes me,
doesn't wave or appears to ignore me that day. Years ago when I was
attending college I went to two different therapists and the results
were the same. I don't think back then that I knew as much about
myself, but nevertheless, all these guys did was just listen to my
pathetic ramblings and then basically say "see you next week"...as I
walked out to the reception desk to pay my $100 a week. I shelled out
a lot of money having them just LISTEN to me. In my opinion that was
a damn rip off. They did nothing for me. No assignments no helpful
tools that I could use to change my behavioral thinking, no books to
read, NOTHING. It was complete *****.

My entire family (not my wife and kids, but my siblings and mother)
are on anti-depressants and most of them I guess have had success. I
on the other hand have tried Prozac (no change whatsoever), wellbutrin
(no change), Lexapro (not really much of a change), and now Zoloft
which I have only been on for 3 weeks. The lexapro I was on for 6
months but as I said no real change. I can't tell anything yet.
Lexapro was the only one that I tried to adjust the dosage with. I
went from 10 milligrams to 20. no change. I'm taking 100 Mg of
zoloft right now but as I said, nothing yet.
I desire so much to become hardened....to have a thick shell so that
people aren't able to hurt me so terribly or even at all. When they
know they can, they will. I want to become tough for once. THERE
HAS GOT TO BE A WAY TO ATTAIN THIS and I have a hard time believing
that a pill will do the job. I know I somehow have to get rid of the
baggage of my childhood but it is damn hard when not one of those
bullies ever fricken apologized for anything. I don't know how to
forgive someone who hasn't felt remorse for something they did to me
that was so cruel day after day. Even some of my teachers joined in,
which was particularly devistating. I was always so embarassed to
have girls (which I always had crushes on) witness these situations.
Part of my wants to find some of these people and put my gun to their
heads and pull the trigger until it clicks then reload and blow myself
away.

I am highly skeptical of the whole chemical imbalance thing in the
first place and feel like all of these medicines are quite
over-prescribed and that I as a 38 year old man should be able to just
get over it for hell sakes and get it together once and for all. I
feel like the anti-depressants say that I'm not responsible for my
behavior and massive insecurities and hurt feelings. And as I said I
don't have much faith in therapists.

I know this whole letter is completely pathetic. I have no need for
trolls or flamers to reinforce that I'm an idiot. I sincerely ask,
even plead for help from anyone out there that might steer me to some
literature or help of any kind to help me. I am so tired of being so
thin skinned, so tired of wondering what people are saying about me
when I know in the back of my mind they rarely have time to think of
me at all. I am tired of being such a burden on my wife, who I might
say is as solid as a rock. She is very even keeled. I take my anger
out on her, and on my children and it is completely not fair. I don't
abuse them physically. But when I'm hurting about something I yell at
them which I know is damaging alone. I don't think there is any
excuse for acting that way. That is why I feel like my kids would be
better without me sometimes. My Dad was much harder on me when I was
a child. I had a whipping every day as my dad had an awful temper. He
was sort of a jeckle and hide though. He also was a very loving and
compassionate and affectionate man and I love him dearly to this day.
I have forgiven him years ago and pray that he knows that I ask him to
forgive me for fighting back as I became a teenager.

I know this letter has been long and I know it's sounds so wimpy. If
you think you truly can help me and not flame, please post a reply.

Thank you in advance. I am desperate.

Hello

I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my message. I
need help and have no idea how to get it. I am a 38 year old male,
married to a wonderful woman who loves me and would do anything for
me. We have 4 children. My two oldest are girls, age 6, & age 4. My
Two boys are the youngest at age 23 months and age 11 months. My
family and I are a part of a Christian faith and attend fairly
regularly but I feel lonely and empty there even though I know I want
to be in this particular faith. I am a self-employed Computer
programmer that is currently out of work. My wife has ended up taking
a job in which she is able to bring in enough to make our house and
car payment. I on the other hand have become almost useless. She
basically spends most of her time trying to cheer my up and keep me
from committing suicide. I probably don't really want to commit
suicide. I just want to cease to exist.

My problems seem endless. I am extremely hypersensitive to people and
nearly beg for their friendship when I first meet them. We have many
good friends that do enjoy being with us and I know love us. I have a
complicated personality. I love to be the center of attention and to
make people laugh, which I am fairly good at as I have a knack with
humor, but absolutely am devastated when I think people are laughing
AT me or talking about me behind my back, which I think about all the
time. Weird huh?

When someone hurts my feelings I can spend all night long crying about
it. I feel like a complete baby that I am as old as I am, and a man
No less, and that I STILL act this way and have the same massive
insecurities and worries. I know a lot of it stems from my childhood
and again it's ridiculous but I still deeply hurt from the events that
happened to me. I know this is going to sound like a boo-hoo story,
but I don't know how else to explain it. We grew up in a small town
and we were extremely poor and backward. I had bucked-teeth and was
made fun of constantly from 1st grade until I graduated from high
school. Every single day of school I was terrified that I would get
beat up by the bullies that new I would cry or get my feelings hurt.
I never learned that it would have stopped if I just would have stood
up to 2 or 3 of them, even if I would have got my clock cleaned, they
would have left my alone after that. I also could never stop letting
it hurt me. As a result of this I still to this day rehears
incredibly embarrassing moments that happened years ago and play them
over and over in my mind and have murderous revengeful anger towards
these people.

I now don't have to teeth problem anymore and I we
live in a slightly upper-middle class neighborhood so I don't feel
like I"m the poor boy. But I still feel backward as I never finished
my formal education and in the back of my mind I always just know that
people will find out the truth. That I am just a loser from a small
town that will eventually amount to nothing. zero. My self-esteem
now is affected by the fact that I'm 50 pounds overweight. I always
feel people see me as just the wimpy fat guy now. On top of this I
have massive panic attacks. I have been taking xanax and Klonipin
which have helped with those but not the overall problem.

The terrorist attacks and the economy have been incredibly
devastating. I have been an extremely worrier. The type the fears
the end of the world, earthquakes, tornadoes and other national
disasters, death of loved ones, and also the extreme fear of not being
able to provide for my family which right now has become a
self-fulfulling prophecy. I feel frozen. Completely afraid to go out
into the world and even attempt to look for a job. The 90's were
really good to me as there were to many people I guess. I felt like
I was on top of the world and we were able to build a home that though
many would think it was just a generic track-home, in my eyes it is my
dream home, something I never ever in my wildest dreams did I ever
think I would have. Now however I feel like I sink more every day.
I hate life. I want to die. I want god to take me. This has
lasted for about a year and a half. Basically when I began losing my
clientele due to the cutbacks. My ego road largely on my ability to
make over $100 k a year. I know that many people don't even see that
and that I was fortunate and even spoiled in some respects to get that
for the time that I did.

As I said before I constantly get my feelings hurt by people. It's
usually by the snoot in the community that intentionally leaves us out
of a social gathering, or the arrogant guy that puts you down to make
himself feel better.

Or because someone that I think likes me,
doesn't wave or appears to ignore me that day. Years ago when I was
attending college I went to two different therapists and the results
were the same. I don't think back then that I knew as much about
myself, but nevertheless, all these guys did was just listen to my
pathetic ramblings and then basically say "see you next week"...as I
walked out to the reception desk to pay my $100 a week. I shelled out
a lot of money having them just LISTEN to me. In my opinion that was
a damn rip off. They did nothing for me. No assignments no helpful
tools that I could use to change my behavioral thinking, no books to
read, NOTHING. It was complete *****.

My entire family (not my wife and kids, but my siblings and mother)
are on anti-depressants and most of them I guess have had success. I
on the other hand have tried Prozac (no change whatsoever), wellbutrin
(no change), Lexapro (not really much of a change), and now Zoloft
which I have only been on for 3 weeks. The lexapro I was on for 6
months but as I said no real change. I can't tell anything yet.
Lexapro was the only one that I tried to adjust the dosage with. I
went from 10 milligrams to 20. no change. I'm taking 100 Mg of
zoloft right now but as I said, nothing yet.
I desire so much to become hardened....to have a thick shell so that
people aren't able to hurt me so terribly or even at all. When they
know they can, they will. I want to become tough for once. THERE
HAS GOT TO BE A WAY TO ATTAIN THIS and I have a hard time believing
that a pill will do the job.

I know I somehow have to get rid of the
baggage of my childhood but it is damn hard when not one of those
bullies ever fricken apologized for anything.

I don't know how to
forgive someone who hasn't felt remorse for something they did to me
that was so cruel day after day.

Even some of my teachers joined in,
which was particularly devistating. I was always so embarassed to
have girls (which I always had crushes on) witness these situations.
Part of my wants to find some of these people and put my gun to their
heads and pull the trigger until it clicks then reload and blow myself
away.

I am highly skeptical of the whole chemical imbalance thing in the
first place and feel like all of these medicines are quite
over-prescribed and that I as a 38 year old man should be able to just
get over it for hell sakes and get it together once and for all. I
feel like the anti-depressants say that I'm not responsible for my
behavior and massive insecurities and hurt feelings. And as I said I
don't have much faith in therapists.

I know this whole letter is completely pathetic. I have no need for
trolls or flamers to reinforce that I'm an idiot. I sincerely ask,
even plead for help from anyone out there that might steer me to some
literature or help of any kind to help me. I am so tired of being so
thin skinned,

so tired of wondering what people are saying about me
when I know in the back of my mind they rarely have time to think of
me at all. I am tired of being such a burden on my wife, who I might
say is as solid as a rock. She is very even keeled. I take my anger
out on her, and on my children and it is completely not fair. I don't
abuse them physically. But when I'm hurting about something I yell at
them which I know is damaging alone. I don't think there is any
excuse for acting that way. That is why I feel like my kids would be
better without me sometimes. My Dad was much harder on me when I was
a child. I had a whipping every day as my dad had an awful temper.

He was sort of a jeckle and hide though. He also was a very loving and
compassionate and affectionate man and I love him dearly to this day.
I have forgiven him years ago and pray that he knows that I ask him to
forgive me for fighting back as I became a teenager.

I know this letter has been long and I know it's sounds so wimpy. If
you think you truly can help me and not flame, please post a reply.

Thank you in advance. I am desperate.