Subject: "Poll: Many Americans Still Unsure Whom To Vote Against"
From: Noon Cat Nick

from _The Onion_, http://www.theonion.com/election2004/news_4022.php

WASHINGTON, DC--According to Gallup Poll results released Monday, 6
percent of Americans are still undecided about whether to vote against
President Bush or Democratic challenger John Kerry in November's
presidential election.

"At first, I was really leaning toward voting against Kerry, because the
way he tried to hide his ambivalence about his military service made him
seem like a political operator," poll participant and Trenton, NJ
resident Amber Barthelme said. "But then, the Bush Administration's
mishandling of the Iraqi prisoner-abuse scandal got me thinking that
there's a lot to not like about the current administration. It's almost
impossible to decide which side I don't want to be on."

According to the poll, 46 percent of the registered voters surveyed
would vote against Bush if the election were held tomorrow, while 45
percent said they were ready to vote against Kerry. Factoring in the 2
percent margin of error, the two candidates are essentially deadlocked
in the race to determine which candidate America doesn't support.

Researcher Jack Harmon, an analyst for the independent Beltway think
tank the Dewey-Markham Institute, said these undecided Americans will be
crucial in deciding the next election.

"As the messy occupation of Iraq drags on, Bush's approval rating
continues to drop, strengthening the position of the anti-Bush voting
bloc," Harmon said. "This trend is offset by the Bush camp's $80 million
anti-Kerry ad campaign, which has cemented anti-Kerry sentiment in
several key swing states. As the election approaches, it's becoming more
and more difficult to determine the likely loser."

Harmon said voters are conflicted, wanting to cast environmental and
antiwar votes against Bush, but wishing also to oppose Kerry's position
on taxation.

"The two major parties face a tough struggle," Harmon said. "As the
election approaches, both must convince undecided voters that the
opposing party's candidate is worse than their own. As both parties take
more moderate positions in an election year, it's getting harder to
convince citizens that there's a reason to get out there and vote
against anyone."

Brad Thomas, a Louisiana machinist, is one of many Americans who have
yet to decide whom they'll vote against.

"I'd like to say I'm against Bush because he lied about weapons of mass
destruction," Thomas said. "On the other hand, Kerry's lack of
substantive positions really disgusts me, as well."

Tina Schalek, a Branson, MO theater manager, said she is also undecided.

"John Kerry's only virtue is that he hasn't been in a position to make
any major mistakes," Schalek said. "On the other hand, I hate Bush's
views on abortion. My only consolation is that a vote against either
candidate is a vote against Nader."

In spite of such ambivalence among swing voters, surveys reveal that the
majority of Americans have determined which candidate they will vote

"It's time to trim the Bush from the White House," Akron, OH resident
Doug Hamm said. "In 2004, it's time for Bush to get bushwhacked!"

Pressed to elaborate on his views, Hamm said, "To be honest, Kerry could
be a guy with a paper bag over his head, for all I care. I'd vote for
anybody as long as he wasn't Bush."

Karla Barr of Chicago had similarly strong opinions about Kerry.

"Kerry is a wishy-washy flip-flopper, changing his tune every time the
wind blows," Barr said, repeating a phrase she'd heard on "The Rush
Limbaugh Show." "Can I trust a man who can't make up his mind about
Communism? I don't think so."

Added Barr: "We have to remember how close the 2000 election was, when
we voted against Gore. Actually, to be fair, when I voted against Gore,
I was voting against Clinton."