I've been doing exceptionally well for a couple weeks now. I went on a
trip with my family and had a great time. Mostly because of my two and
a half year old niece, who is simply wonderful. She's fun to play
with, easy to please (a couple of peanut m&m's never purchased so much
peace) and she doesn't ask those weighted "how are you DOING?"
questions or give sidelong glances to the scars on my arms. She's
outstanding.
We built sand castles and played in ocean waves and she got REALLY
pissed when I cut her morning eggy the wrong way (there's a mysterious
right way I have yet to learn). I hope I can hang with her again at
xmas. Sorta makes me think that I might make an ok dad some day,
assuming things work out.
My sister came up with a really good xmas present idea that I can do.
She suggested I cook a whole bunch of cookies and treats (various
chocolate covered things) for people and put them in
cheap-but-fancy-looking tins. Brilliant. I'm an ok cook when I set my
mind to it. So I'll customize cookies and stuff for different family
members. Not too expensive, and I get to lick the bowls. Score. Maybe
I need to bake a few "test" batches to um... make sure... the recipes
are good. *cough*
Therapy has been alright. I don't know what to talk about most of the
time, and I feel self-conscious. I feel like I can only say "I hate
myself, life is pointless, I don't know why I feel this way, I just
want to get through this so I can go home and feel relief" so many
times before I feel stuck. I go there and I think I'm supposed to be
getting better, and I dont' really feel that different deep inside
myself. I'd rather feel nothing. Its like some surface stuff changes
and my core remains the same. Full of fear and sadness and darkness. I
dunno how to get rid of that... or what to do about it. I went and got
help because I dont' really want to be dead, except I couldn't think
of another way to stop "it". But then I spend time with my niece and
I'm so freaking happy to be around her and making her laugh. So, then
feeling the darkness is worth it. Its something to put up with
I dunno why I'm like this. I mean I try to think of what I want from
life and I come up blank. I just dont' want to feel like this any
more. That's what I want from life. How about, no more black hole in
my gut? No more panic? No more bad dreams?
I know that most people write short, readable messages. I ramble when
I write. So, its ok if you haven't made it this far through my random
blathering. I'm writing right now because its better than crying and I
can't sleep. My body wants to cry. I feel pressure on my eyes, and my
sinuses sorta hurt. I hate crying. It used to be like a release, but
its not any more.
Its going to snow some more. If I plan my shopping trip right, I can
be out in the flurries for a while. I love snow. I enjoy being bundled
up and then coming inside to the warmth and having a hot drink.
Ok, enough. I will try to sleep again. G'night.
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| User: "Used2Be" |
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| Title: Re: ramble |
15 Dec 2003 09:32:34 AM |
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"NuckingFuts"wrote
I've been doing exceptionally well for a couple weeks now. I went on a
trip with my family and had a great time. Mostly because of my two and
a half year old niece, who is simply wonderful. She's fun to play
with, easy to please (a couple of peanut m&m's never purchased so much
peace) and she doesn't ask those weighted "how are you DOING?"
questions or give sidelong glances to the scars on my arms. She's
outstanding.
I can imagine that that was such a nice escape for you. I feel the same way
with my 4 yr old. She doesn't ask "pressing" questions and she's just fun
to be with. I miss her when I'm away from her.
We built sand castles and played in ocean waves and she got REALLY
pissed when I cut her morning eggy the wrong way (there's a mysterious
right way I have yet to learn).
Oh yes, they definitely have their own way of doing things! <wink>
I hope I can hang with her again at
xmas. Sorta makes me think that I might make an ok dad some day,
assuming things work out.
I bet you would. Especially because you know how to "enjoy" children.
That's the secret. It's not just about parenting skills. It's also about
being able to enjoy the little everyday things.
My sister came up with a really good xmas present idea that I can do.
She suggested I cook a whole bunch of cookies and treats (various
chocolate covered things) for people and put them in
cheap-but-fancy-looking tins. Brilliant.
Yes, and that's one of my very favoritest kinds of gifts to RECEIVE!!! So
you can't go wrong with that, I assure you. People also love fudge in those
tins. :-)
Therapy has been alright. I don't know what to talk about most of the
time, and I feel self-conscious. I feel like I can only say "I hate
myself, life is pointless, I don't know why I feel this way, I just
want to get through this so I can go home and feel relief" so many
times before I feel stuck. I go there and I think I'm supposed to be
getting better, and I dont' really feel that different deep inside
myself.
Therapy was always like that for me as well, except for a few exceptions.
But for the most part, I just felt stupid. I'm not much of a talker and so
my therapist always had to "pull" info out of me. Then I left feeling
stupid and like nothing had been accomplished.
Wombn's idea of your printing out your original post and taking it to
therapy is excellent. My best work in therapy was done when I finally
started taking my journal in. I couldn't verbalize my thoughts out loud,
but I sure could do it on paper. Maybe it's the same for you. Try it and
see if things don't improve as far as therapy goes.
I'd rather feel nothing. Its like some surface stuff changes
and my core remains the same. Full of fear and sadness and darkness. I
dunno how to get rid of that... or what to do about it. I went and got
help because I dont' really want to be dead, except I couldn't think
of another way to stop "it". But then I spend time with my niece and
I'm so freaking happy to be around her and making her laugh. So, then
feeling the darkness is worth it. Its something to put up with
Yes, that's it exactly. For some of us, I'm not really sure the sadness,
fear and darkness ever really goes away. But the moments of joy and escape
make it more bearable. We almost appreciate the joy more than most people
would because of the pain we live with the rest of the time.
I dunno why I'm like this. I mean I try to think of what I want from
life and I come up blank. I just dont' want to feel like this any
more. That's what I want from life. How about, no more black hole in
my gut? No more panic? No more bad dreams?
Keep working at therapy and trying different med mixes. Eventually you will
find one that helps, or this episode of depression will lift a bit and give
you some relief. Just keep holding on for those bright spots in life. If
you were to die tomorrow, you don't know what you might miss next week!!
I know that most people write short, readable messages. I ramble when
I write. So, its ok if you haven't made it this far through my random
blathering.
I made it thru with no problem. Like Wombn said, your ramblings are very
"readable."
:-)
I'm writing right now because its better than crying and I
can't sleep. My body wants to cry. I feel pressure on my eyes, and my
sinuses sorta hurt. I hate crying. It used to be like a release, but
its not any more.
I understand.
going to snow some more. If I plan my shopping trip right, I can
be out in the flurries for a while. I love snow. I enjoy being bundled
up and then coming inside to the warmth and having a hot drink.
Keep enjoying those little pleasures. Keep looking for them and taking
advantage of them. Whatever you do, don't ever stop "living."
Hugs!
used2be
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| User: "Lynda" |
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| Title: Re: ramble |
15 Dec 2003 08:00:32 PM |
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the best time i have is when it is just me and my 6 yr old step daughter
her and i have the best relationship......she may ask the why ????'s but
she accepts what answers i give her.....my 9 yr old step son asks the
why ???'s then acts like i am a liar and he knows it all. as well as
the rest of their siblings~ people say how can you be depressed you have
such a lovely family oh yes i do i have a loving husband 7 step children
who have a psycho mother who is also a habitual liar and the children
have picked up her lovely traits~i do have two children of my own a
daughter 24 and a son 23 when i see them occasionally since we live in
different states they are my salvation. ok sorry now i am
rambling~Lynda
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: ramble |
15 Dec 2003 06:50:14 AM |
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On Mon, 15 Dec 2003 11:50:51 GMT, NuckingFuts <noemail@pls.org> wrote:
I've been doing exceptionally well for a couple weeks now. I went on a
trip with my family and had a great time. Mostly because of my two and
a half year old niece, who is simply wonderful. She's fun to play
with, easy to please (a couple of peanut m&m's never purchased so much
peace) and she doesn't ask those weighted "how are you DOING?"
questions or give sidelong glances to the scars on my arms. She's
outstanding.
:-D
We built sand castles and played in ocean waves and she got REALLY
pissed when I cut her morning eggy the wrong way (there's a mysterious
right way I have yet to learn). I hope I can hang with her again at
xmas. Sorta makes me think that I might make an ok dad some day,
assuming things work out.
My sister came up with a really good xmas present idea that I can do.
She suggested I cook a whole bunch of cookies and treats (various
chocolate covered things) for people and put them in
cheap-but-fancy-looking tins. Brilliant. I'm an ok cook when I set my
mind to it. So I'll customize cookies and stuff for different family
members. Not too expensive, and I get to lick the bowls. Score. Maybe
I need to bake a few "test" batches to um... make sure... the recipes
are good. *cough*
hehehe.
I'm planning to give my dad his favorite
oatmeal-raisin-walnut-coconut-chocolate chip cookies... but frozen in
a log so that he can bake a couple at a time. (and also because we
don't have a functioning oven)
Therapy has been alright. I don't know what to talk about most of the
time, and I feel self-conscious. I feel like I can only say "I hate
myself, life is pointless, I don't know why I feel this way, I just
want to get through this so I can go home and feel relief" so many
times before I feel stuck. I go there and I think I'm supposed to be
getting better, and I dont' really feel that different deep inside
myself. I'd rather feel nothing. Its like some surface stuff changes
and my core remains the same. Full of fear and sadness and darkness. I
dunno how to get rid of that... or what to do about it. I went and got
help because I dont' really want to be dead, except I couldn't think
of another way to stop "it".
I've long said that most suicidal people really don't want to die.
They just can't see any way out of the pain.
But then I spend time with my niece and
I'm so freaking happy to be around her and making her laugh. So, then
feeling the darkness is worth it. Its something to put up with
Print out this whole post (your original, not including my comments!)
and take it in with you to your next appointment. Read it to your
therp.
S/he may have some follow up questions for you. (And if not, then it
might be time to consider changing therps).
I dunno why I'm like this. I mean I try to think of what I want from
life and I come up blank. I just dont' want to feel like this any
more. That's what I want from life. How about, no more black hole in
my gut? No more panic? No more bad dreams?
I know that most people write short, readable messages. I ramble when
I write. So, its ok if you haven't made it this far through my random
I almost skipped it cuz I usually don't read long posts (I lack
concentration--unless I'm hyperfocusing). But your writing is very
easy to read.
blathering. I'm writing right now because its better than crying and I
can't sleep. My body wants to cry. I feel pressure on my eyes, and my
sinuses sorta hurt. I hate crying. It used to be like a release, but
its not any more.
Its going to snow some more. If I plan my shopping trip right, I can
be out in the flurries for a while. I love snow. I enjoy being bundled
up and then coming inside to the warmth and having a hot drink.
Ok, enough. I will try to sleep again. G'night.
sleep tight!
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
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