From another group:



On Wed, 15 Sep 2004 03:37:16 GMT, Mark <NO@yahoo.com>
wrote:

GETTING READY FOR HURRICANE IVAN!

Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a
weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the
Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what
you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll
get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we
recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:

STEP 1.

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for
at least three days

STEP 2.

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3.

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not
follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay
here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important
hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as
long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most
insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane
insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU
money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to
scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge
you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have
had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to
my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my
kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane --
all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with
advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that,
because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that
once you get them all up, your hands will be useless
bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very
easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The
disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to
pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but
they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of
this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable
objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't
have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you
live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if
it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you
will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles
from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do
not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket
and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets
the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following
supplies: *23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries
that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong
size for the flashlights. *Bleach. (No, I don't know what
the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but
it's traditional, so GET some!) A 55-gallon drum of
underarm deodorant. *A big knife that you can strap to your
leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks
cool.) *A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after
the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
*$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no
discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on your television and
watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to
the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important
it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember:
It's great living in Paradise!!!

by Dave Barry originally published in the Miami Herald