I've been lurking on this newsgroup for a few weeks now & some of you
may remember a post I sent entitled 'difficult situation'... well it
ain't getting any better, if anything it feels like it's getting
worse. I've started drinking a lot recently and have stopped taking my
medication, today is the first day I've been sober for a couple of
weeks yet now I've a triple vodka sitting in front of me and when I
finish this one I'll not stop til the 2 bottles I have left are empty.
My ex (and yes I still hate calling her that) called me today to tell
me that she still did want to go on holiday with me in 4 weeks. Thing
is I don't know if I want her to & think that if she does go that
things'll get even worse between us. She even told me today that she's
seeing someone else.
I guess I just can't understand it, how she can be seeing someone else
after such a short time after splitting up with me yet change her mind
like the weather about going on this booked holiday we'd arranged when
we were together. She's told me that the holiday doesn't mean anything
but I'm still not sure of this. It feels like I'm being dangled on a
string and being manipulated but despite everything I'd still get back
with her if she wanted it.
My head is just messed up and not just with that. I live in the
arsehole of nowhere, have few friends and have been all on my own for
the past 3 weeks as my parents are away on holiday. I'm just dreading
them coming back and seeing the mess I've made of things around here.
To top it all off I've been thinking and concocting ways in my head of
killing myself because I feel like I'm a thorn in everyone's side. A
couple of days ago I even attempted it in my drunken state. I hammered
a nail into the door frame of my room & clipped a belt onto it and
made a noose out of other end with the belt clip, then I put it around
my head and slipped forward. I just fell and the nail I'd banged in
came loose and fell out all I was left with was a sore neck.
I'm seriously thinking about trying again.. I just want it all to stop
and these godawful thoughts to get out of my head. I keep hearing, it
takes time, things'll get better etc etc.. but at the minute... well
things just seem really bad and my head is so messed up.

..gotta go now to get back to my vodka..