| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"lisa in mass." |
| Date: |
05 Oct 2004 11:23:48 PM |
| Object: |
scared |
have you ever opened a wild hickory nut? it takes a hammer to
get through that shell. that's how well-protected my core self
is now. and i have to somehow open it to examine the contents
without crushing the soft lobes of nut kernal. it also feels
like once that part is opened, there's no way to close the shell
again. it will be shattered into bits. but that's where the
early abuse was stored. and it was the early stuff that set me
up for what came later. i can look at the outside all i want,
but i won't get any farther before i look at my core, how my
coming problems were set up from the start. my earliest
conception of self.
even through the numbness, this is scaring the ***** out of me. i
either do it now, or go farther under into dissociative world.
maybe both. i don't know.
-lisa
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| User: "John" |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 12:04:25 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
"lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:Xns957A3FD37E53mccatsjavanetcom@130.133.1.4...
have you ever opened a wild hickory nut? it takes a hammer to
get through that shell. that's how well-protected my core self
is now. and i have to somehow open it to examine the contents
without crushing the soft lobes of nut kernal. it also feels
like once that part is opened, there's no way to close the shell
again. it will be shattered into bits. but that's where the
early abuse was stored. and it was the early stuff that set me
up for what came later. i can look at the outside all i want,
but i won't get any farther before i look at my core, how my
coming problems were set up from the start. my earliest
conception of self.
even through the numbness, this is scaring the ***** out of me. i
either do it now, or go farther under into dissociative world.
maybe both. i don't know.
-lisa
fwiw, you seem pretty lucid to me. Maybe this is a trip you're equipped to
take now, and that's why this is the time for it.
In any case--just wanted to let you know that there was someone here.
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 12:13:34 AM |
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John wrote...
x-no-archive: yes
"lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:Xns957A3FD37E53mccatsjavanetcom@130.133.1.4...
have you ever opened a wild hickory nut? it takes a hammer
to get through that shell. that's how well-protected my
core self is now. and i have to somehow open it to examine
the contents without crushing the soft lobes of nut
kernal. it also feels like once that part is opened,
there's no way to close the shell again. it will be
shattered into bits. but that's where the early abuse was
stored. and it was the early stuff that set me up for what
came later. i can look at the outside all i want, but i
won't get any farther before i look at my core, how my
coming problems were set up from the start. my earliest
conception of self.
even through the numbness, this is scaring the ***** out of
me. i either do it now, or go farther under into
dissociative world. maybe both. i don't know.
-lisa
fwiw, you seem pretty lucid to me. Maybe this is a trip
you're equipped to take now, and that's why this is the
time for it. In any case--just wanted to let you know that
there was someone here.
thanks john.there's nowhere else to go, nothing else worth
working on until i at least examine this better.
my therp keeps telling me that i'm letting all the old bullies
win. but since this all started so young and lasted so long, i
don't know who i'd have been, or who am i, without the bullies
always there and myself convinced that they must be right.
thank you for being here.
-lisa
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 12:31:21 AM |
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On 6 Oct 2004 05:13:34 GMT, "lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote:
my therp keeps telling me that i'm letting all the old bullies
win. but since this all started so young and lasted so long, i
don't know who i'd have been, or who am i, without the bullies
that's one of the things that pissed me off the most.
always there and myself convinced that they must be right.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yet, somehow, I'm considered far right wing...
http://www.digitalronin.f2s.com/politicalcompass/questionnaire.pl?page=printable_graph&X=2.75&Y=0.46
This, otoh, is an extremist:
http://www.digitalronin.f2s.com/politicalcompass/questionnaire.pl?page=printable_graph&X=-8.62&Y=-7.64
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 12:48:48 AM |
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wombn wrote...
On 6 Oct 2004 05:13:34 GMT, "lisa in mass."
<mccats@rcn.com> wrote:
my therp keeps telling me that i'm letting all the old
bullies win. but since this all started so young and lasted
so long, i don't know who i'd have been, or who am i,
without the bullies
that's one of the things that pissed me off the most.
i'm not pissed, though i know i probably ought to be. it's too
easy to see everyone else involved's point of view on this
one. i know what they did was wrong, yet it still makes sense
that they each did their part.
i know i have someone else in me, or at least a potential for
one, but i'll never find that person without first finding the
rotten parts of my identity, carefully enclosed to fester
forever. i don't know whether i'm more afraid of looking at
the bad stuff (probably not) or at who might yet develop
through what is left. is there still enough of that hidden
seed left unrotten to support the growth of a new plant?
always there and myself convinced that they must be right.
-lisa
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 12:57:20 AM |
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On 6 Oct 2004 05:48:48 GMT, "lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote:
wombn wrote...
On 6 Oct 2004 05:13:34 GMT, "lisa in mass."
<mccats@rcn.com> wrote:
my therp keeps telling me that i'm letting all the old
bullies win. but since this all started so young and lasted
so long, i don't know who i'd have been, or who am i,
without the bullies
that's one of the things that pissed me off the most.
i'm not pissed, though i know i probably ought to be. it's too
easy to see everyone else involved's point of view on this
one. i know what they did was wrong, yet it still makes sense
that they each did their part.
i know i have someone else in me, or at least a potential for
one, but i'll never find that person without first finding the
rotten parts of my identity, carefully enclosed to fester
forever. i don't know whether i'm more afraid of looking at
the bad stuff (probably not) or at who might yet develop
through what is left. is there still enough of that hidden
seed left unrotten to support the growth of a new plant?
YES, there is enough.
always there and myself convinced that they must be right.
-lisa
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yet, somehow, I'm considered far right wing...
http://www.digitalronin.f2s.com/politicalcompass/questionnaire.pl?page=printable_graph&X=2.75&Y=0.46
This, otoh, is an extremist:
http://www.digitalronin.f2s.com/politicalcompass/questionnaire.pl?page=printable_graph&X=-8.62&Y=-7.64
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 01:00:25 AM |
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wombn wrote...
i know i have someone else in me, or at least a potential
for one, but i'll never find that person without first
finding the rotten parts of my identity, carefully enclosed
to fester forever. i don't know whether i'm more afraid of
looking at the bad stuff (probably not) or at who might yet
develop through what is left. is there still enough of that
hidden seed left unrotten to support the growth of a new
plant?
YES, there is enough.
we shall see. this stuff started before i had any language
skills, as a young infant. it's going to be damned hard to find
those good parts. i've never seen them since birth.
-lisa
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| User: "Jernau Gurgeh" |
|
| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 06:53:57 PM |
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lisa in mass. wrote in alt.support.depression:
i know i have someone else in me, or at least a potential for
one, but i'll never find that person without first finding the
rotten parts of my identity, carefully enclosed to fester
forever. i don't know whether i'm more afraid of looking at
the bad stuff (probably not) or at who might yet develop
through what is left. is there still enough of that hidden
seed left unrotten to support the growth of a new plant?
In my experience: a definite yes. And you will still be *you*. Who you are
now is partly because of how battling your adversities has shaped you, but
there is far more to it than that. And that latter part can grow. It is very
hard, if not impossible to unlearn what we were taught, but it is relatively
easy to learn new things, and at some point those will more than
compensate/balance the things we cannot unlearn. At least, I think that's how
it works for me.
Jernau
--
The only failure in life
is the failure to try
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 07:21:18 PM |
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Jernau Gurgeh wrote...
lisa in mass. wrote in alt.support.depression:
i know i have someone else in me, or at least a potential
for one, but i'll never find that person without first
finding the rotten parts of my identity, carefully
enclosed to fester forever. i don't know whether i'm more
afraid of looking at the bad stuff (probably not) or at
who might yet develop through what is left. is there still
enough of that hidden seed left unrotten to support the
growth of a new plant?
In my experience: a definite yes. And you will still be
*you*. Who you are now is partly because of how battling
your adversities has shaped you, but there is far more to
it than that. And that latter part can grow. It is very
hard, if not impossible to unlearn what we were taught, but
it is relatively easy to learn new things, and at some
point those will more than compensate/balance the things we
cannot unlearn. At least, I think that's how it works for
me.
Jernau
thanks jernau. i was looking at this with a therp at partial
today, and that's pretty much what we went through there. it's
hard to see now, but i'll get there.
-lisa
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 12:30:42 AM |
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On Wed, 06 Oct 2004 05:04:25 GMT, "John" <jjdamato@hawaii.rr.com>
wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
"lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:Xns957A3FD37E53mccatsjavanetcom@130.133.1.4...
have you ever opened a wild hickory nut? it takes a hammer to
get through that shell. that's how well-protected my core self
is now. and i have to somehow open it to examine the contents
without crushing the soft lobes of nut kernal. it also feels
like once that part is opened, there's no way to close the shell
again. it will be shattered into bits. but that's where the
early abuse was stored. and it was the early stuff that set me
up for what came later. i can look at the outside all i want,
but i won't get any farther before i look at my core, how my
coming problems were set up from the start. my earliest
conception of self.
even through the numbness, this is scaring the ***** out of me. i
either do it now, or go farther under into dissociative world.
maybe both. i don't know.
-lisa
fwiw, you seem pretty lucid to me.
nodnod!
Maybe this is a trip you're equipped to
take now, and that's why this is the time for it.
In any case--just wanted to let you know that there was someone here.
nodnod!
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And yet, somehow, I'm considered far right wing...
http://www.digitalronin.f2s.com/politicalcompass/questionnaire.pl?page=printable_graph&X=2.75&Y=0.46
This, otoh, is an extremist:
http://www.digitalronin.f2s.com/politicalcompass/questionnaire.pl?page=printable_graph&X=-8.62&Y=-7.64
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: scared |
06 Oct 2004 12:35:29 AM |
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wombn wrote...
On Wed, 06 Oct 2004 05:04:25 GMT, "John"
<jjdamato@hawaii.rr.com> wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
"lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:Xns957A3FD37E53mccatsjavanetcom@130.133.1.4...
have you ever opened a wild hickory nut? it takes a
hammer to get through that shell. that's how
well-protected my core self is now. and i have to somehow
open it to examine the contents without crushing the soft
lobes of nut kernal. it also feels like once that part is
opened, there's no way to close the shell again. it will
be shattered into bits. but that's where the early abuse
was stored. and it was the early stuff that set me up for
what came later. i can look at the outside all i want,
but i won't get any farther before i look at my core, how
my coming problems were set up from the start. my
earliest conception of self.
even through the numbness, this is scaring the ***** out
of me. i either do it now, or go farther under into
dissociative world. maybe both. i don't know.
-lisa
fwiw, you seem pretty lucid to me.
nodnod!
Maybe this is a trip you're equipped to
take now, and that's why this is the time for it.
In any case--just wanted to let you know that there was
someone here.
nodnod!
thank you, wombn.
-lisa
feeling less alone
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