So...here I am. Yes, tomorrow is another day.
I always wanted to be a person who could either drink, or not drink.
When I am drinking round the clock, I hate the thought of not
drinking, or the suggestion by anyone that I stop. When I quit, it's
a kind of gift window that gives me a sight of the value of me not
drinking, it's a feeling, embracing everything from looking in the
mirror, to buying only food and juice at a store...//It's an accident,
cause I forget to drink one day, turn it into 2, then more, and my
head gets(I am familiar with this feeling) remembrance of that aa take
home feeling...like I'm tripping. I can feel the Lexipro.
It sucks that I start thinking ahead...what will I have in a bar?
But the most important thing for me, and I am not obviously doing it
here....I can't tell people around me how wonderful it is now...first,
it is something I hate to hear when I am drinking...It's been 3 days
and I could get struck drunk later in the 4th.
I think, by my way of thinking and the uncontrollable anger, that I am
a ral live alcoholic. It does to me what it does to my father at my
age.
But he didn't brag to the world about himself. I do that in not so
hidden ways.
It's a baby needs attention thing, I realized that the other night.
Talking about money....flirting with women...advertising my great
talent as a guitar paler...a guy in a surveying office once yelled
back across the hall, "if you're so great, why are you here?"
Talk talk talk. It is easier for me to criticize a band than to keep
one going, because of my personality swings. I hadn't had a drink for
5 years when I was put on disability for not being able to work with
anyone....and I was the boss. No one wanted to work with me. I was
impoverished, living with my parents, not drinking but hated life, was
depressed and unfunctioning, except for finding and splitting wood.
Now life has changed. I don't have to sit and worry so much, just
have no freedom, but I was a homebody anyway. a year after my *****
turned to gold, I started drinking. Hasn't been golden since without
the joy produced by isolated drinking. But now I have friends. And I
can lash out here on the internet. I find ways to get *****.
Sometimes, it's made easy....either way, the emails to CEOs and
special archives (for Bob's stuff) and garageband...are drunken fueled
I shall continue in pt 2
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