| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"ponette" |
| Date: |
26 Sep 2006 09:38:28 PM |
| Object: |
Squeaky wheels and such |
This whole thing about squeaky wheels… people assume some people, like
me, are clear sailing it. I don't even know if I wrote down how awful
the last few weeks have been on all fronts if anyone would take it at
face value…I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
First I took a new position in my same company and screwed up mega big
time right away…it's too public here to give details, but it was
humiliating and demoralizing and it cost my company a fair amount of
money and NOTHING EVER LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME in all the
years I've worked there. I feel like everyone there is now watching
me, waiting for me mess up again; it's hellishly hard to do a good job
under those conditions, but I have to. And in the middle of this, I'm
taking on trying to drink more moderately and sometimes it's taken a
little white knuckling, though I'm doing well *she says* overall. And
I try to talk about my husband about stuff and he can't fix it so it
just yells at me. And I went to my favorite place desperate to relax
one night, a pub, and got walked up to and insulted by an
outta-the-blue by wacko there and don't feel comfortable there
anymore, not like I did, at least. And I badly need SOME place to feel
comfortable. And another list I'm in has it's own version of a guy who
is just sitting there waiting to put a barb in ya when you open up
(no, I'm not comparing him to anyone in specific here, please don't
think that cause I'm not)…so I had a run in with him….and my daughter
might get tossed from her Very Good Middle School if she doesn't keep
turning her homework in. Oh, and it's fall, and I have SAD. So I
called my doctor and moved my appointment up so that I can asked to
have my ADs upped (silly me, I thought I was like truly better),
renewed my abilify after a summer's worth of not needing it, and took
it for the first time in forever last night…and Did Not Drink!…even
though I badly wanted to. The abilify didn't quite fill the invisible
gaping hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to
double over in emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut. It
just didn't. But I didn't drink. Oh and I lost another place to
post…one might say I did that to myself, but the trouble is in all of
these places I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and what do I do
with that feeling?
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now…would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in headers
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 12:34:29 AM |
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"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1iojh2lv02fc1r00pbikcpq6ndj1bkpv46@4ax.com...
This whole thing about squeaky wheels. people assume some people, like
me, are clear sailing it. I don't even know if I wrote down how awful
the last few weeks have been on all fronts if anyone would take it at
face value.I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
First I took a new position in my same company and screwed up mega big
time right away.it's too public here to give details, but it was
humiliating and demoralizing and it cost my company a fair amount of
money and NOTHING EVER LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME in all the
years I've worked there. I feel like everyone there is now watching
me, waiting for me mess up again; it's hellishly hard to do a good job
under those conditions, but I have to. And in the middle of this, I'm
taking on trying to drink more moderately and sometimes it's taken a
little white knuckling, though I'm doing well *she says* overall. And
I try to talk about my husband about stuff and he can't fix it so it
just yells at me. And I went to my favorite place desperate to relax
one night, a pub, and got walked up to and insulted by an
outta-the-blue by wacko there and don't feel comfortable there
anymore, not like I did, at least. And I badly need SOME place to feel
comfortable. And another list I'm in has it's own version of a guy who
is just sitting there waiting to put a barb in ya when you open up
(no, I'm not comparing him to anyone in specific here, please don't
think that cause I'm not).so I had a run in with him..and my daughter
might get tossed from her Very Good Middle School if she doesn't keep
turning her homework in. Oh, and it's fall, and I have SAD. So I
called my doctor and moved my appointment up so that I can asked to
have my ADs upped (silly me, I thought I was like truly better),
renewed my abilify after a summer's worth of not needing it, and took
it for the first time in forever last night.and Did Not Drink!.even
though I badly wanted to. The abilify didn't quite fill the invisible
gaping hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to
double over in emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut. It
just didn't. But I didn't drink. Oh and I lost another place to
post.one might say I did that to myself, but the trouble is in all of
these places I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and what do I do
with that feeling?
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now.would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in headers
Oh p I am so sorry. These things are terrible. These things combined are
horrible. And I know how you feel. For me my illness and my happiness are
two very separate things. I can be happy and yet still be subject to my
bipolar cycles in a way that makes it seem impossible, but trust me it is.
It is confusing and illogical and a hard concept to explain to people, so
instead I opt to show the happy and don't talk a lot about the bipolar.
And the bipolar part is very ugly. I know all about that *invisible gaping
hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to double over in
emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut* It feels as if you are
slowing bleeding to death from the inside out and no one can see your
wounds. But I also know that if they can't it is in part because I don't
show them. If I don't talk about it how can they know? And I think you
understand that if you don't tell us we can't know, and that *our* silence
makes us our own worst enemy.
Something's gotta give as they say. I hope it can be our words and not us.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about things here my e-mail is always
open to you. White knuckling it or not it sounds to me you have committed
to making some positive changes and that's a great first step. The
medication was the second. No harm in admitting that we need more help
through the rougher times.
I don't have much else except I think I understand. It becomes easy to hide
the tender underbelly of our lives for fear of being laughed at or hurt or
embarrassed. I think it's pretty human actually, but it probably isn't
healthy, especially for people with illnesses that make the struggle that
much tougher. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I don't see you
as someone who is *clear sailing it* or *always OK* I think of you often and
sometimes I worry, but I tend not to pry and perhaps that's where I have
failed you. Maybe you'll give me a chance to change that. If you ever want
to talk I would be happy to listen.
--
Rhi
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
01 Oct 2006 01:41:45 PM |
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On Wed, 27 Sep 2006 01:34:29 -0400, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.com>
wrote:
Oh p I am so sorry. These things are terrible. These things combined are
horrible. And I know how you feel. For me my illness and my happiness are
two very separate things. I can be happy and yet still be subject to my
bipolar cycles in a way that makes it seem impossible, but trust me it is.
It is confusing and illogical and a hard concept to explain to people, so
instead I opt to show the happy and don't talk a lot about the bipolar.
Geez, that makes sense to me.
I just had an image...that the happiness (or the appearance thereof)
is like a permafrost that lays over the real surface that is me. It's
the face I put on. Who wrote the song, "Smile though your heart is
breaking"?
And the bipolar part is very ugly. I know all about that *invisible gaping
hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to double over in
emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut* It feels as if you are
slowing bleeding to death from the inside out and no one can see your
wounds. But I also know that if they can't it is in part because I don't
show them. If I don't talk about it how can they know? And I think you
understand that if you don't tell us we can't know, and that *our* silence
makes us our own worst enemy.
Who can I show? (Rhetorical.) My husband doesn't want to hear it, my
daughter should be protected from all but the surface of it, I don't
have "real life" friends I talk to regularly. I certainly don't want
it leaking out all over the place at work. (And no, I don't want to
pay for a Rent a Friend over this.)
Even writing here...while it was cathartic, I was also sort of
embarrassed that I had put this all out there. It's like puking in
public, for whatever reason; it's human enough, and some people will
give you comfort, but most will look away and think less of you. And
no matter what other people do -- if I were to puke in public (and no,
I haven't done that anytime in recent years)...I'm gonna feel stupid
and on stage. And I'm gonna want to wipe up the whole mess FAST and
just make it go away.
I liked posting this because it felt good at first. But by the morning
of the next day, I half-regretted it. And by that afternoon, I solidly
wished that I'd hadn't.
Something's gotta give as they say. I hope it can be our words and not us.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about things here my e-mail is always
open to you. White knuckling it or not it sounds to me you have committed
to making some positive changes and that's a great first step. The
medication was the second. No harm in admitting that we need more help
through the rougher times.
Thanks, Rhiannon. I really appreciate the email offer.
I don't have much else except I think I understand. It becomes easy to hide
the tender underbelly of our lives for fear of being laughed at or hurt or
embarrassed. I think it's pretty human actually, but it probably isn't
healthy, especially for people with illnesses that make the struggle that
much tougher. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I don't see you
as someone who is *clear sailing it* or *always OK* I think of you often and
sometimes I worry, but I tend not to pry and perhaps that's where I have
failed you. Maybe you'll give me a chance to change that. If you ever want
to talk I would be happy to listen.
Thanks so much. *blush*
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in headers
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| User: "justabeing" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 11:36:22 AM |
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"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1iojh2lv02fc1r00pbikcpq6ndj1bkpv46@4ax.com...
This whole thing about squeaky wheels. people assume some people, like
me, are clear sailing it. I don't even know if I wrote down how awful
the last few weeks have been on all fronts if anyone would take it at
face value.I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
First I took a new position in my same company and screwed up mega big
time right away.it's too public here to give details, but it was
humiliating and demoralizing and it cost my company a fair amount of
money and NOTHING EVER LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME in all the
years I've worked there. I feel like everyone there is now watching
me, waiting for me mess up again; it's hellishly hard to do a good job
under those conditions, but I have to. And in the middle of this, I'm
taking on trying to drink more moderately and sometimes it's taken a
little white knuckling, though I'm doing well *she says* overall. And
I try to talk about my husband about stuff and he can't fix it so it
just yells at me. And I went to my favorite place desperate to relax
one night, a pub, and got walked up to and insulted by an
outta-the-blue by wacko there and don't feel comfortable there
anymore, not like I did, at least. And I badly need SOME place to feel
comfortable. And another list I'm in has it's own version of a guy who
is just sitting there waiting to put a barb in ya when you open up
(no, I'm not comparing him to anyone in specific here, please don't
think that cause I'm not).so I had a run in with him..and my daughter
might get tossed from her Very Good Middle School if she doesn't keep
turning her homework in. Oh, and it's fall, and I have SAD. So I
called my doctor and moved my appointment up so that I can asked to
have my ADs upped (silly me, I thought I was like truly better),
renewed my abilify after a summer's worth of not needing it, and took
it for the first time in forever last night.and Did Not Drink!.even
though I badly wanted to. The abilify didn't quite fill the invisible
gaping hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to
double over in emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut. It
just didn't. But I didn't drink. Oh and I lost another place to
post.one might say I did that to myself, but the trouble is in all of
these places I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and what do I do
with that feeling?
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now.would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in headers
sorry you are having to go through all this but I admire how you keep going,
i'd probably go all to hell..............
its not easy being a humanbean, especially when bad ***** happens to good
people...........
things are not always what they appear to be on the outside, too...........
keep truckin, ponette
all things must pass, even the bad ones
justabeing
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
01 Oct 2006 02:29:08 PM |
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On Wed, 27 Sep 2006 16:36:22 GMT, "justabeing"
<just.a.being@gmail.com> wrote:
sorry you are having to go through all this but I admire how you keep going,
i'd probably go all to hell..............
its not easy being a humanbean, especially when bad ***** happens to good
people...........
things are not always what they appear to be on the outside, too...........
keep truckin, ponette
all things must pass, even the bad ones
Thanks for this, justa. And I bet you wouldn't "probably go all to
hell"...you seem to have strength about you...maybe more than you are
even aware of?
I think I'm pulling part way outta the doldrums though...well,
actually "doldrums" doesn't quite capture it by half. But I think
you'll know I mean.
Take care, and thanks for writing me.
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in headers
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| User: "RGB" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
26 Sep 2006 10:17:21 PM |
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In article <1iojh2lv02fc1r00pbikcpq6ndj1bkpv46@4ax.com>,
ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote:
This whole thing about squeaky wheels… people assume some people, like
me, are clear sailing it. I don't even know if I wrote down how awful
the last few weeks have been on all fronts if anyone would take it at
face value…I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
Just to get this out of the way... I don't know what it looks like to
you, but I see uppercase sigma characters throughout your message, like
after the first "squeaky wheels" and after "face value". It's really
weird, I've never seen anything like it before.
Anyway, I don't know who you have in mind here but I don't think anybody
reading would make that kind of assumption, and I certainly don't think
anybody reading would doubt that things have been awful for you if you
said things have been awful for you. It sounds like they have been. I'm
sorry to hear that.
Oh and I lost another place to post…one might say I did that to
myself, but the trouble is in all of these places I just don't feel
comfortable anymore, and what do I do with that feeling?
Keep going and wait 'til it passes, maybe? Talk about it?
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like
I can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to
communicate clearly right now…would anyone understand that perhaps
I'm not writing my very most coherent best? Or would they still
assume that I'm supposed to have it all under control and am somehow
scheming and playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all
the energy I have to go to work in the morning and work through the
day? When it takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all
together upright when I walk?
This is obviously aimed at me so it's hard to react without being a
little defensive, but I *am* sorry you're feeling so bad. The fact that
I said something about game playing in a very different context doesn't
mean I would doubt an outright expression of suffering like this.
I hope it helps that you made this post. Not that anybody would make the
silly assumption you mention at the beginning, but nobody is going to
know how you're feeling if you don't tell them. So, you squeaked. I hope
you find some grease that helps. I hope you feel better soon.
Mark
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
01 Oct 2006 01:26:48 PM |
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On Wed, 27 Sep 2006 03:17:21 GMT, RGB <mark022806-asd@yahoo.com>
wrote:
In article <1iojh2lv02fc1r00pbikcpq6ndj1bkpv46@4ax.com>,
ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote:
This whole thing about squeaky wheels… people assume some people, like
me, are clear sailing it. I don't even know if I wrote down how awful
the last few weeks have been on all fronts if anyone would take it at
face value…I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
Just to get this out of the way... I don't know what it looks like to
you, but I see uppercase sigma characters throughout your message, like
after the first "squeaky wheels" and after "face value". It's really
weird, I've never seen anything like it before.
My newsreader reads it fine, and I don't get any symbols mixed in
there. I do know why they show up on yours; or at least, I think I do.
I wrote my original post in Word and pasted it in. Some newsreaders
don't like the "smart quotes" (a.k.a., "curly quotes) and hiccup on
them that way.
Anyway, I don't know who you have in mind here but I don't think anybody
reading would make that kind of assumption, and I certainly don't think
anybody reading would doubt that things have been awful for you if you
said things have been awful for you. It sounds like they have been. I'm
sorry to hear that.
Thank you. They have been awful. But except for getting my car
rear-ended (and the fact that I have to get together with my family
for my dad's birthday next weekend, and dealing with my family is
tough)...things *ARE* getting better. Knock on wood. (Or as I always
like to say, "Knock on Formica.")
Oh and I lost another place to post…one might say I did that to
myself, but the trouble is in all of these places I just don't feel
comfortable anymore, and what do I do with that feeling?
Keep going and wait 'til it passes, maybe? Talk about it?
Dunno, yet. I'm leaning toward the former. I'm not wanting to talk
about it; and no, that's not a leading statement that means "I really
want to talk about it and am just saying I don't."
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like
I can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to
communicate clearly right now…would anyone understand that perhaps
I'm not writing my very most coherent best? Or would they still
assume that I'm supposed to have it all under control and am somehow
scheming and playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all
the energy I have to go to work in the morning and work through the
day? When it takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all
together upright when I walk?
This is obviously aimed at me so it's hard to react without being a
little defensive, but I *am* sorry you're feeling so bad. The fact that
I said something about game playing in a very different context doesn't
mean I would doubt an outright expression of suffering like this.
I hope it helps that you made this post. Not that anybody would make the
silly assumption you mention at the beginning, but nobody is going to
know how you're feeling if you don't tell them. So, you squeaked. I
you find some grease that helps. I hope you feel better soon.
Thanks. I have been feeling better slowly. I really hit rock bottom
there...naah, a little above rock bottom....
I did reclaim my pub, by the way, to sit and relax in and will just
watch not staying too late on my Fridays out (7ish is when the table
feeding frenzy starts). That should keep me at a two-pint limit,
too...which is a far better plan than, say, three pints over a greater
number of hours. But that's neither here nor there. Wait, I guess it's
a little "here" -- part of my problem has been and remains to be that
I'm having trouble finding a comfortable place to light upon. At
least, I feel like I got my pub back.
Thanks for writing, RGB. Best wishes.
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in headers
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 10:55:49 AM |
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On Tue, 26 Sep 2006 19:38:28 -0700, ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com>
wrote:
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now…would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
You know, the only person in the universe who expects you to be ok all
the time is you. And the only person who believes that you appear to
be ok all the time is you, too. And both of those things are
absolutely, completely fine.
I'm sorry that things are so wretched, and I hope they get better...
which not especially comforting but true anyway.
I don't post much these days, since Michael and I got married. But
I'm still around, and so is my email, if you're ever looking for a
different safe place.
.
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
01 Oct 2006 02:10:37 PM |
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On Wed, 27 Sep 2006 11:55:49 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
On Tue, 26 Sep 2006 19:38:28 -0700, ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com>
wrote:
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now…would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
You know, the only person in the universe who expects you to be ok all
the time is you. And the only person who believes that you appear to
be ok all the time is you, too.
What? You mean I haven't been getting away with it?
And both of those things are absolutely, completely fine.
I'm sorry that things are so wretched, and I hope they get better...
which not especially comforting but true anyway.
It *is* comforting. It's comforting to know you and the other kind
folks who responded to me are out there. It counts for a lot.
I don't post much these days, since Michael and I got married. But
I'm still around, and so is my email, if you're ever looking for a
different safe place.
Thank you so much for the offer. That's very kind.
(As an aside: I couldn't help but think that I reneged and went
squeaky wheel on ya, Nina, when I wrote my original post. :( I almost
felt like we had a non-squeaky-wheel pact going, and I ducked out of
it. Don't know how I arrived at that reasoning. Probably because I
relate, maybe too much, to so many of the things that you write
about.)
Meanwhile -- except for getting my car rear-ended (that's another
thread all together), things seem to be getting better. (Why do I keep
wanting to say "knock on wood" when I make those kinds of statements?
I'm not superstitious.)
Thanks so much for writing. It's always good to hear from you.
p
--
x-no-archive: yes is in headers
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
02 Oct 2006 02:26:56 PM |
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On Sun, 01 Oct 2006 12:10:37 -0700, ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com>
wrote:
(As an aside: I couldn't help but think that I reneged and went
squeaky wheel on ya, Nina, when I wrote my original post. :( I almost
felt like we had a non-squeaky-wheel pact going, and I ducked out of
it. Don't know how I arrived at that reasoning. Probably because I
relate, maybe too much, to so many of the things that you write
about.)
Well, not a non-squeaky wheel pact exactly... I think it's more like,
if you squeak, you gotta have something to squeak about.
I actually don't think that suffering in silence is a good thing, on
the whole. I mean, I have such an incredibly hard time saying, this
is what's going on with me. I figure that people won't care, and it's
worse to ask for help and not get it than it is to shut up, for me
anyway. But feeling that way leads to all sorts of unhealthy
behavior, and I know that. You start thinking that if people really
care, they would see what's going on and do something. Or you whisper
really softly that you need help, and you expect that people will
understand that you're screaming. And either way, you expect people
to be mind readers, which they aren't, and you start resenting them
for not fulfilling expectations that they don't even know that you
have.
So I'd like to get better about just saying, I suppose. Without
expectation, without getting a whole lot of my history tangled up in
the here-and-now. It's really hard to do, though. Obviously.
.
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
02 Oct 2006 09:23:25 PM |
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On Mon, 02 Oct 2006 15:26:56 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
On Sun, 01 Oct 2006 12:10:37 -0700, ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com>
wrote:
(As an aside: I couldn't help but think that I reneged and went
squeaky wheel on ya, Nina, when I wrote my original post. :( I almost
felt like we had a non-squeaky-wheel pact going, and I ducked out of
it. Don't know how I arrived at that reasoning. Probably because I
relate, maybe too much, to so many of the things that you write
about.)
Well, not a non-squeaky wheel pact exactly... I think it's more like,
if you squeak, you gotta have something to squeak about.
I actually don't think that suffering in silence is a good thing, on
the whole. I mean, I have such an incredibly hard time saying, this
is what's going on with me. I figure that people won't care, and it's
worse to ask for help and not get it than it is to shut up, for me
anyway. But feeling that way leads to all sorts of unhealthy
behavior, and I know that. You start thinking that if people really
care, they would see what's going on and do something. Or you whisper
really softly that you need help, and you expect that people will
understand that you're screaming. And either way, you expect people
to be mind readers, which they aren't, and you start resenting them
for not fulfilling expectations that they don't even know that you
have.
So I'd like to get better about just saying, I suppose. Without
expectation, without getting a whole lot of my history tangled up in
the here-and-now. It's really hard to do, though. Obviously.
I suppose. ;)
I wrote a poem that's kinda about what you described here, but with my
own spin and my own response to the whole deal:
My cries fall on deaf ears,
or perhaps I make no sound at all.
It is better to keep the pain inside
than to break the illusion
that somewhere out there,
somebody cares.
11-08-2002
I'm not sure it's worth it to me to lay out my problems in front of a
group, or even in front of most individuals. They don't want to know.
I really *do* prefer stiff upper lip, I'm comfortable with it -- you
can tell something's very wrong with me if I send out a post with much
of That Kind of Content in it...squeaky wheel stuff...because it just
doesn't fit with who I am.
I grew up chanting in my head "I don't need YOU. I don't need
ANYBODY." And I still pretty much believe it. Doesn't mean that I
don't want people around ever. I just don't want to get to the point
when I count on them being there (whether physically or emotionally).
Dunno if that has much to do with what you said. My mind is kinda
meandering....
Thanks for writing, Nina. It's always a pleasure reading what you have
to say.
p
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
26 Sep 2006 09:48:55 PM |
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hi
"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1iojh2lv02fc1r00pbikcpq6ndj1bkpv46@4ax.com...
This whole thing about squeaky wheels. people assume some people, like
me, are clear sailing it. I don't even know if I wrote down how awful
the last few weeks have been on all fronts if anyone would take it at
face value.I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
First I took a new position in my same company and screwed up mega big
time right away.it's too public here to give details, but it was
humiliating and demoralizing and it cost my company a fair amount of
money and NOTHING EVER LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME in all the
years I've worked there. I feel like everyone there is now watching
me, waiting for me mess up again; it's hellishly hard to do a good job
under those conditions, but I have to. And in the middle of this, I'm
taking on trying to drink more moderately and sometimes it's taken a
little white knuckling, though I'm doing well *she says* overall. And
I try to talk about my husband about stuff and he can't fix it so it
just yells at me. And I went to my favorite place desperate to relax
one night, a pub, and got walked up to and insulted by an
outta-the-blue by wacko there and don't feel comfortable there
anymore, not like I did, at least. And I badly need SOME place to feel
comfortable. And another list I'm in has it's own version of a guy who
is just sitting there waiting to put a barb in ya when you open up
(no, I'm not comparing him to anyone in specific here, please don't
think that cause I'm not).so I had a run in with him..and my daughter
might get tossed from her Very Good Middle School if she doesn't keep
turning her homework in. Oh, and it's fall, and I have SAD. So I
called my doctor and moved my appointment up so that I can asked to
have my ADs upped (silly me, I thought I was like truly better),
renewed my abilify after a summer's worth of not needing it, and took
it for the first time in forever last night.and Did Not Drink!.even
though I badly wanted to. The abilify didn't quite fill the invisible
gaping hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to
double over in emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut. It
just didn't. But I didn't drink. Oh and I lost another place to
post.one might say I did that to myself, but the trouble is in all of
these places I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and what do I do
with that feeling?
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now.would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
p
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 03:53:15 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now…would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
Jeez, p, if this is an example of what
you can pen when "not writing at (your)
very most coherent best", then, lordy,
the coherent stuff might knock me over.
This is a pretty powerful stringin'
together of words, lady. And, I'm really
sorry to hear about the gaping wound
feeling. The urge to reply, line by
line, would be too much like trying to
fix it -- the job stress (don't worry!),
Concerns about the kid (she'll be okay!)
the safe havens marred (there's other
places!) -- but, yikes, that might be
rude when being heard is what you seem,
to me, to be seeking. So. I read it and
just want to let you know that I feel
very compassionate towards you.
Did writing it out offer you any degree
of relief? Or did the gaping gut wound
open more? If you feel like sayin'.
Gayle
p
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
01 Oct 2006 01:54:31 PM |
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On Wed, 27 Sep 2006 04:53:15 -0400, Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now…would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
Jeez, p, if this is an example of what
you can pen when "not writing at (your)
very most coherent best", then, lordy,
the coherent stuff might knock me over.
That was just stream of consciousness stuff. In the brain, out the
fingers -- before I even knew it.
This is a pretty powerful stringin'
together of words, lady.
Thanks. It just sorta *happened.*
And, I'm really
sorry to hear about the gaping wound
feeling. The urge to reply, line by
line, would be too much like trying to
fix it -- the job stress (don't worry!),
Concerns about the kid (she'll be okay!)
the safe havens marred (there's other
places!) -- but, yikes, that might be
rude when being heard is what you seem,
to me, to be seeking. So. I read it and
just want to let you know that I feel
very compassionate towards you.
I really appreciate that....
Did writing it out offer you any degree
of relief? Or did the gaping gut wound
open more? If you feel like sayin'.
Writing it down offered short-term relief, then the posting equivalent
of "buyer's remorse" set in.
I *am* feeling better, though. Thanks so much for writing.
p
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 04:56:50 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
Gayle wrote:
Jeez, p, if this is an example of what you can pen when "not writing at
(your) very most coherent best", then, lordy, the coherent stuff might
knock me over. This is a pretty powerful stringin' together of words,
lady.
Yup.
Concerns about the kid (she'll be okay!)
Yup.
the safe havens marred (there's other places!) -- but, yikes, that might
be rude when being heard is what you seem, to me, to be seeking.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 10:42:12 AM |
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"Janithor" <Janithor@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:451A4ADB.7030808@comcast.net...
x-no-archive: yes
Gayle wrote:
Jeez, p, if this is an example of what you can pen when "not writing at
(your) very most coherent best", then, lordy, the coherent stuff might
knock me over. This is a pretty powerful stringin' together of words,
lady.
Yup.
Concerns about the kid (she'll be okay!)
Yup.
the safe havens marred (there's other places!) -- but, yikes, that might
be rude when being heard is what you seem, to me, to be seeking.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
i'm from North Bay
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
01 Oct 2006 02:31:25 PM |
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On Wed, 27 Sep 2006 09:56:50 GMT, Janithor <Janithor@comcast.net>
wrote:
x-no-archive: yes
Gayle wrote:
Jeez, p, if this is an example of what you can pen when "not writing at
(your) very most coherent best", then, lordy, the coherent stuff might
knock me over. This is a pretty powerful stringin' together of words,
lady.
Yup.
*blush*
Concerns about the kid (she'll be okay!)
Yup.
I hope so. Her attitude seems to be in the right place.
the safe havens marred (there's other places!) -- but, yikes, that might
be rude when being heard is what you seem, to me, to be seeking.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
No excuse. Men have ears, too...they can damn well clean the wax outta
them every once in a while! ;)
p
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 01:43:30 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
It's morning (well, almost midday, now), and I'm split in two: I am
rather embarrassed that I sent the original post out (not that I wrote
it; I needed to do that -- but that I sent it)...I believe in the
stereotypical British stiff-upper lip thing but instead my teacup doth
floweth over. And I'm also gratified and overwhelmed by the kind
responses I got. I feel like I need to answer you each individually,
while at the same time I can't at the moment (I'm at work) and,
truthfully, I feel so awkward about my original post that it's really
hard to continue "talking" about it. And even reading back over my
original words makes me want to cry.
But I did want to send something off promptly to let folks who wrote me
know that I've been reading their posts and REALLY REALLY appreciate
their kind words...and the "email box is open" offers were especially
touching. I'm overwhelmed. Thank you so much.
I'll try to write more later.
p
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| User: "justabeing" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 02:12:01 PM |
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"ponette" <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1159382610.912870.248160@k70g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
x-no-archive: yes
It's morning (well, almost midday, now), and I'm split in two: I am
rather embarrassed that I sent the original post out (not that I wrote
it; I needed to do that -- but that I sent it)...I believe in the
stereotypical British stiff-upper lip thing but instead my teacup doth
floweth over. And I'm also gratified and overwhelmed by the kind
responses I got. I feel like I need to answer you each individually,
while at the same time I can't at the moment (I'm at work) and,
truthfully, I feel so awkward about my original post that it's really
hard to continue "talking" about it. And even reading back over my
original words makes me want to cry.
But I did want to send something off promptly to let folks who wrote me
know that I've been reading their posts and REALLY REALLY appreciate
their kind words...and the "email box is open" offers were especially
touching. I'm overwhelmed. Thank you so much.
I'll try to write more later.
p
any ol time
hope life starts being kinder to you
justabeing
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 03:23:33 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
ponette wrote:
This whole thing about squeaky wheels=85 people assume some people, lik=
e
me, are clear sailing it. I don't even know if I wrote down how awful
the last few weeks have been on all fronts if anyone would take it at
face value=85I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
You're allowed to be human.
First I took a new position in my same company and screwed up mega big
time right away=85it's too public here to give details, but it was
humiliating and demoralizing and it cost my company a fair amount of
money and NOTHING EVER LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME in all the
years I've worked there. I feel like everyone there is now watching
me, waiting for me mess up again; it's hellishly hard to do a good job
under those conditions, but I have to. And in the middle of this, I'm
taking on trying to drink more moderately and sometimes it's taken a
little white knuckling, though I'm doing well *she says* overall. And
I try to talk about my husband about stuff and he can't fix it so it
just yells at me. And I went to my favorite place desperate to relax
one night, a pub, and got walked up to and insulted by an
outta-the-blue by wacko there and don't feel comfortable there
anymore, not like I did, at least. And I badly need SOME place to feel
comfortable. And another list I'm in has it's own version of a guy who
is just sitting there waiting to put a barb in ya when you open up
(no, I'm not comparing him to anyone in specific here, please don't
think that cause I'm not)=85so I had a run in with him=85.and my daught=
er
might get tossed from her Very Good Middle School if she doesn't keep
turning her homework in. Oh, and it's fall, and I have SAD. So I
called my doctor and moved my appointment up so that I can asked to
have my ADs upped (silly me, I thought I was like truly better),
renewed my abilify after a summer's worth of not needing it, and took
it for the first time in forever last night=85and Did Not Drink!=85even=
though I badly wanted to. The abilify didn't quite fill the invisible
gaping hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to
double over in emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut. It
just didn't. But I didn't drink. Oh and I lost another place to
post=85one might say I did that to myself, but the trouble is in all of=
these places I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and what do I do
with that feeling?
Usenet is bloody, there's no way around it. The good (?) news is that=20
it's not you, it's really not.
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now=85would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writin=
g
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
Well, you did a pretty darn good job in this post! Don't let the=20
assholes get you down, they are, by definition, assholes.
Are you doing any talk therapy, or just getting meds?
.
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
01 Oct 2006 01:49:40 PM |
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On Wed, 27 Sep 2006 08:23:33 GMT, Janithor <Janithor@comcast.net>
wrote:
ponette wrote:
This whole thing about squeaky wheels… people assume some people, like
me, are clear sailing it. I don't even know if I wrote down how awful
the last few weeks have been on all fronts if anyone would take it at
face value…I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
You're allowed to be human.
I wondered about that. ;)
First I took a new position in my same company and screwed up mega big
time right away…it's too public here to give details, but it was
humiliating and demoralizing and it cost my company a fair amount of
money and NOTHING EVER LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME in all the
years I've worked there. I feel like everyone there is now watching
me, waiting for me mess up again; it's hellishly hard to do a good job
under those conditions, but I have to. And in the middle of this, I'm
taking on trying to drink more moderately and sometimes it's taken a
little white knuckling, though I'm doing well *she says* overall. And
I try to talk about my husband about stuff and he can't fix it so it
just yells at me. And I went to my favorite place desperate to relax
one night, a pub, and got walked up to and insulted by an
outta-the-blue by wacko there and don't feel comfortable there
anymore, not like I did, at least. And I badly need SOME place to feel
comfortable. And another list I'm in has it's own version of a guy who
is just sitting there waiting to put a barb in ya when you open up
(no, I'm not comparing him to anyone in specific here, please don't
think that cause I'm not)…so I had a run in with him….and my daughter
might get tossed from her Very Good Middle School if she doesn't keep
turning her homework in. Oh, and it's fall, and I have SAD. So I
called my doctor and moved my appointment up so that I can asked to
have my ADs upped (silly me, I thought I was like truly better),
renewed my abilify after a summer's worth of not needing it, and took
it for the first time in forever last night…and Did Not Drink!…even
though I badly wanted to. The abilify didn't quite fill the invisible
gaping hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to
double over in emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut. It
just didn't. But I didn't drink. Oh and I lost another place to
post…one might say I did that to myself, but the trouble is in all of
these places I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and what do I do
with that feeling?
Usenet is bloody, there's no way around it. The good (?) news is that
it's not you, it's really not.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Sometimes I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that
reads "Kick me." And everyone can see it but me.
So if I could just say, look, life is hell right now and I feel like I
can't lose the gaping wound in my stomach and it's hard to communicate
clearly right now…would anyone understand that perhaps I'm not writing
my very most coherent best? Or would they still assume that I'm
supposed to have it all under control and am somehow scheming and
playing games just to ***** people off when it takes all the energy I
have to go to work in the morning and work through the day? When it
takes all the energy I have just to pull myself all together upright
when I walk?
Well, you did a pretty darn good job in this post! Don't let the
assholes get you down, they are, by definition, assholes.
Thanks.
Are you doing any talk therapy, or just getting meds?
I'm on meds only, though my pdoc spends some time with me where we
just talk. Or, more accurately, I talk, and she responds. I thought
briefly about hiring a Rent a Friend to help through this, but I'm
already feeling a little better, and I see my pdoc on Thursday and
will request that she up one of the two ADs I'm on. Fall and winter
are always hard for me -- especially early fall, when the days start
to shorten and we start to get more and more overcast days and/or
rain. I know I'm transitioning into winter darkness. :(
Thanks for writing, Janithor; I really appreciate your support. I hope
things are going OK with you.
p
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
27 Sep 2006 11:19:47 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes is in headers
ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote:
face value?I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
"Yeah, right" (Linguistic oddity: two positives making a negative)
years I've worked there. I feel like everyone there is now watching
me, waiting for me mess up again
My guess is that at least a few are hoping you recover... but
it's not politic to say that to you.
under those conditions, but I have to. And in the middle of this, I'm
taking on trying to drink more moderately and sometimes it's taken a
little white knuckling
Your balance is being affected by that. I have *no* idea what
the right level for you. But I do hear that any change is
trying.
think that cause I'm not)?so I had a run in with him?.and my daughter
might get tossed from her Very Good Middle School if she doesn't keep
turning her homework in.
ooh that's a big one.
though I badly wanted to. The abilify didn't quite fill the invisible
gaping hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to
double over in emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut. It
just didn't.
Wow. That's what I get but intermittently. If nothing else, you
have done a *lot* for me by writing this post.
these places I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and what do I do
with that feeling?
I don't know. I do know finding "another place" is non trivial.
--
Breaking news: http://lazerbrody.typepad.com July 24/25 especially
.
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| User: "ponette" |
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| Title: Re: Squeaky wheels and such |
01 Oct 2006 02:25:13 PM |
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On Wed, 27 Sep 2006 16:19:47 GMT, Contrarian <adrba65@gmail.com>
wrote:
ponette <ponette0000@yahoo.com> wrote:
face value?I mean, hell, I'm always OK. Right?
"Yeah, right" (Linguistic oddity: two positives making a negative)
I like linguistic oddities. :)
years I've worked there. I feel like everyone there is now watching
me, waiting for me mess up again
My guess is that at least a few are hoping you recover... but
it's not politic to say that to you.
People there have been inordinately nice to me. It's almost creepy.
And I know they know about the messup.
Help! I have Stepford coworkers!
under those conditions, but I have to. And in the middle of this, I'm
taking on trying to drink more moderately and sometimes it's taken a
little white knuckling
Your balance is being affected by that. I have *no* idea what
the right level for you. But I do hear that any change is
trying.
I'm figuring it out as I go along. With the help of an online support
group. And yea, it does get trying at times, both physically and
psychologically.
I'm "lucky," compared to many people in the support group, in that any
drinking "problem" I have is minimal...but I still need to put some
effort into changing it. For a lot of reasons.
think that cause I'm not)?so I had a run in with him?.and my daughter
might get tossed from her Very Good Middle School if she doesn't keep
turning her homework in.
ooh that's a big one.
Yup...so far *crossing fingers* she's been getting her homework in.
Well, except for the one that was right in front of her on paper and
she said after the fact that she didn't know she had to do it. (I'd
already read it to her. She knew it.) It was a minor assignment, so
overall, she's doing pretty good. But it's Very Stressful on all of
us.
The school is great. She "needs" to stay there. And she does love it.
She just doesn't love doing homework, especially writing homework.
*sigh*
though I badly wanted to. The abilify didn't quite fill the invisible
gaping hole that feels ever present in my gut and makes me want to
double over in emotional pain, like someone slugged me in my gut. It
just didn't.
Wow. That's what I get but intermittently. If nothing else, you
have done a *lot* for me by writing this post.
I found it interesting and comforting in a weird way to find out that
other people get the Gaping Hole Syndrome thing, too. For a couple of
days there, I'd literally half-collapse while I was standing and grip
my stomach. Then I'd take a big breath and force myself to straighten
up. (Of course, I had the strength of will not to do this when anyone
else was PRESENT.)
these places I just don't feel comfortable anymore, and what do I do
with that feeling?
I don't know. I do know finding "another place" is non trivial.
Yeah, it is.
I did reclaim my favorite pub, though -- decided to continue to go
there Fridays after work to relax...just head home earlier to miss the
table-frenzy stage.
And I've talked to my husband; for now, at least, he's doing a better
job at listening...but listening isn't really his thing, so he steps
on toes a lot and then gets defensive. Still, I respect, really
respect, that he's trying.
As far as the rest. I dunno. I'm sure it will eventually be fine.
Thanks so much for writing, Contrarian.
p
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