Hi all,

I posted the below messages seven days apart on the Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being, while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.

FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and derealization - two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly before
this recent experience.


Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2005 6:31 pm Post subject: the complete
annihilation of the self - HELP

Hi,

I've only posted here a few times before. Right now, I am in a
desperate situation, and I am looking for some suggestions about what
to do. Forgive me if I can't express myself too well - I have lost all
contact with myself at the deepest level possible. I only have the
ability to think at a very shallow level, and find it hard to connect
thoughts together.

A month ago I was struggling with some of the most intense DP/DR I'd
ever experienced in my life. At that point, I was taking three classes
at a community college. I managed to make it through the first half of
the semester, but as time went on I felt myself becoming more and more
estranged from myself and my emotions, and was having trouble sleeping
at night. By December the DP/DR got so bad that I stopped going to my
classes and could not finish out the semester (I requested and was
granted incompletes through the school's Dean).

During this time, I felt a void building inside of myself... I was
losing interest in things, feelings were becoming less and less, and I
was hardly able to sleep at all. Eventually the growing void turned
into complete deadness and I couldn't feel a thing. Shortly thereafter
even the dead feeling was gone leaving me feeling absolute oblivion
inside.... what felt at the time like a total consciousness shift that
I called "ego death". However, some fundamental sense of myself was
still there. The real death of myself would come a bit later.

At this point I was going to a local mental health center. I met with
my pdoc about the difficulty I was having and she put me on Ativan (an
anti-anxiety med in the same class as Valium and Xanax). It seemed to
help somewhat with the DP/DR symptoms and calm me in social
situations, but I still felt complete oblivion inside after that
initial "ego death" experience.

It was at this point that I decided to try an antidepressant as well -
Effexor XR. I was hesitant to do this because I had been very
anti-medication, especially against SSRIs in particular for years.
I've had past experiences where just a few pills of an SSRI seemed to
induce the ego death state I mentioned, but all the pdocs and social
workers around me claimed that was impossible and it was all in my
head. Since I had the ego death experience this most recent time when
I had been off meds entirely for over a year, I was inclined to
believe that my fear of SSRIs were unwarranted.

In any event, I took a low dosage of the Effexor for three days (37.5
mgs) and the physical side effects alone were almost unbearable -
sweating, nausea, diziness, insomnia, racing thoughts... I also felt
apathetic and more dead than ever. I didn't like the way they were
making me feel so I stopped taking them.

A couple days later, I pretty much fell through the floor. What little
sense of my inner self that was still left also seemed to evaporate,
leaving me with absolutely nothing - just a pair of eyes, only able to
observe myself from above. At what felt like a metaphysical level, I
had ceased to exist. You can't imagine how much of a mind f--- that
is.

Most of that time consisted of me staring blankly into space trying to
comprehend where the inner self I used to call "me" had gone, because
it certainly wasn't here. Sleep had turned into the hellish thing it's
been in the past every time I'd been at this point - impossible. When
I close "my" eyes, there is only blackness and a completely blank
mind, but a constant awareness of my consciousness looking at itself.
It's like the observer (what "I" am now) does not sleep, it just
observes.

I met with my pdoc again and she convinced me that I didn't give the
Effexor enough of a chance, so I agreed to take them for a solid week.
This is a decision which I deeply regret. While taking more of these
pills, I felt more of myself evaporate. I would alternate between a
dead feeling inside, almost a physical sensation in the center of
myself, and everything just completely falling away, leaving me with
nothing again. Each time this "evaporation of soul" would occur, a
little bit more of my inner self would seem to disappear.

Eventually, all that was left was a mind to perceive reality in the
most detached way possible - receiving input through the 5 senses, but
not being able to feel anything on an emotional level or make
judgements about any of this input. It felt like my mind had entered a
cosmic sort of consciousness of which the mystics of eastern religions
speak. Unfortunately, for me this was not a desired state - complete
and utter hell is more like it.

One interesting point is that I often find it impossible to get to
sleep even when I am lying in bed for hours a day with my eyes closed.
When I am able to sleep, though, it's only for about an hour at a
time, but I get the most wonderfully intense, vivid dreams you can
imagine. In these dreams, things feel completely normal, and I am able
to think deeply and feel like I used to be able to. In most of these
dreams I have been having a good time or feeling good about myself. If
I can feel like this in my subconscious, maybe there is hope that my
conscious mind will return to normal.

During the past week or so the Blizzard of 2005 occured, some of the
coldest weather in years hit the region, and all I could do was lie in
a bed and be vaguely aware of what was happening, but not able to
associate emotions with any of the events, and fundamentally not
caring at the deepest level. It doesn't even feel like 2005, hell it
doesn't feel like anything at all.

A few days ago, the complete destruction of my inner self and absolute
detachment from my person was finally complete. It feels like "I" have
ceased to exist in a very real way, yet emotionally I can feel nothing
about this fact. Emotions are long gone, from the shallow to the
deepest parts of myself. I should be scared, I should be constatly
trying to fight what is happening, but I don't. I can't. I have no
mouth, yet I must scream. When my feelings first started evaporating,
I would have a physical reaction at each shift in consciousness - my
heart would beat rapidly, or I would start sweating. Now, I don't even
have that reaction - I just watch idly as it happens. Although, short
of complete unconsciousness, there's not much left of myself to lose.

All feelings other than pure "being" are gone now, my mind has quieted
to the level where it's impossible to think about anything at a deep
level or for a long period of time. What exists is only what my mind
perceives (not what "I" perceive - "I" have ceased to exist - "I"
being the person that used to be inside of this physical body with
feelings, emotions, a psyche, and a personality). I honestly didn't
think a human being could ever feel like this yet still be considered
"alive". I feel like I am the most dead person with a pulse on the
planet right now.

The weird thing is, I don't know exactly how or why this has happened
to me. I mean, I understand DP is the mind's way of protecting it from
itself, but this is f--- ridiculous. I didn't think the mind would go
to the extent of destroying itself in order to protect itself. I feel
the Effexor may have played a role in getting me in this state, but I
could be wrong.

Anyway, I started this thread as a cry for help and a plea for any
suggestions about what I may be able to do to reverse this horrific
state. I'm 26 years old, and I live with my parents. Since entering
this state, I have completely let myself go - I go from lying in bed
all day to staring at myself in the mirror for long periods of time
trying to comprehend where the hell "I" am. I'm hardly eating at all.
I don't have the will to do anything - yesterday I tried to take a
shower and could not even wash myself because it required to much
effort. I can't make decisions at all, the thought required is too
deep.

My parents are going through hell worrying about me, but the sad thing
is - I can't bring myself to care. I can't feel anything towards
anybody, and as gone as I feel right now, I'm not scared and not even
able to think about what's going to happen to me or how I'm going to
end up. I haven't told anyone at the mental health place I go to about
this because I can guarantee if I go in to talk to them they will want
to put me in a hospital (I've been there twice and it's not somewhere
I want to go again). I look like hell - completely dead eyes with bags
under them and I can barely put words together.

I initially wanted some brain tests (EEG, CAT scan, PET scan) to rule
out anything physically damaged in the brain. However, this would
require meeting with a doctor and I feel too "gone" to talk to anyone
coherently. And there's always the possibility they would want me
hospitalized as well.

I don't really feel psychiatry has anything that can help me right
now. They certainly don't have a drug that can bring back my old
consciousness and sense of self. On the contrary, I feel their drugs
may have caused irreperable harm to me.

This feels like more of a "spiritual" issue. Although I've always
believed that the "spirit" was simply a function of the brain, at this
point I'm willing to try anything. My mom is a devout Catholic, she
wants me to talk to a priest, and go to a "healing mass". I'm as
anti-religion as they come, but I may be willing to do it. I'm also
looking into going to a wholistic health center. I know it seems
silly, but I'm taking St. John's Wort now. I don't have any delusions
it will cure me, but it can't hurt.

The thread "Depersonalization and Enlightenment" on the front page has
stuff that is relevant to what I am going through. I wonder if there
is a mystic or practitioner of medidation who would have a clue how to
reverse this.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. If anyone has any clue
about what I can do to get out of this hell I am in, please feel free
to offer your suggestions.

Thanks,

Matt

Hi all,

I posted the below messages seven days apart on the Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being, while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.

FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and derealization - two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly before
this recent experience.


Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2005 6:31 pm Post subject: the complete
annihilation of the self - HELP

Hi,

I've only posted here a few times before. Right now, I am in a
desperate situation, and I am looking for some suggestions about what
to do. Forgive me if I can't express myself too well - I have lost all
contact with myself at the deepest level possible. I only have the
ability to think at a very shallow level, and find it hard to connect
thoughts together.

A month ago I was struggling with some of the most intense DP/DR I'd
ever experienced in my life. At that point, I was taking three classes
at a community college. I managed to make it through the first half of
the semester, but as time went on I felt myself becoming more and more
estranged from myself and my emotions, and was having trouble sleeping
at night. By December the DP/DR got so bad that I stopped going to my
classes and could not finish out the semester (I requested and was
granted incompletes through the school's Dean).

During this time, I felt a void building inside of myself... I was
losing interest in things, feelings were becoming less and less, and I
was hardly able to sleep at all. Eventually the growing void turned
into complete deadness and I couldn't feel a thing. Shortly thereafter
even the dead feeling was gone leaving me feeling absolute oblivion
inside.... what felt at the time like a total consciousness shift that
I called "ego death". However, some fundamental sense of myself was
still there. The real death of myself would come a bit later.

At this point I was going to a local mental health center. I met with
my pdoc about the difficulty I was having and she put me on Ativan (an
anti-anxiety med in the same class as Valium and Xanax). It seemed to
help somewhat with the DP/DR symptoms and calm me in social
situations, but I still felt complete oblivion inside after that
initial "ego death" experience.

It was at this point that I decided to try an antidepressant as well -
Effexor XR. I was hesitant to do this because I had been very
anti-medication, especially against SSRIs in particular for years.
I've had past experiences where just a few pills of an SSRI seemed to
induce the ego death state I mentioned, but all the pdocs and social
workers around me claimed that was impossible and it was all in my
head. Since I had the ego death experience this most recent time when
I had been off meds entirely for over a year, I was inclined to
believe that my fear of SSRIs were unwarranted.

In any event, I took a low dosage of the Effexor for three days (37.5
mgs) and the physical side effects alone were almost unbearable -
sweating, nausea, diziness, insomnia, racing thoughts... I also felt
apathetic and more dead than ever. I didn't like the way they were
making me feel so I stopped taking them.

A couple days later, I pretty much fell through the floor. What little
sense of my inner self that was still left also seemed to evaporate,
leaving me with absolutely nothing - just a pair of eyes, only able to
observe myself from above. At what felt like a metaphysical level, I
had ceased to exist. You can't imagine how much of a mind f--- that
is.

Most of that time consisted of me staring blankly into space trying to
comprehend where the inner self I used to call "me" had gone, because
it certainly wasn't here. Sleep had turned into the hellish thing it's
been in the past every time I'd been at this point - impossible. When
I close "my" eyes, there is only blackness and a completely blank
mind, but a constant awareness of my consciousness looking at itself.
It's like the observer (what "I" am now) does not sleep, it just
observes.

I met with my pdoc again and she convinced me that I didn't give the
Effexor enough of a chance, so I agreed to take them for a solid week.
This is a decision which I deeply regret. While taking more of these
pills, I felt more of myself evaporate. I would alternate between a
dead feeling inside, almost a physical sensation in the center of
myself, and everything just completely falling away, leaving me with
nothing again. Each time this "evaporation of soul" would occur, a
little bit more of my inner self would seem to disappear.

Eventually, all that was left was a mind to perceive reality in the
most detached way possible - receiving input through the 5 senses, but
not being able to feel anything on an emotional level or make
judgements about any of this input. It felt like my mind had entered a
cosmic sort of consciousness of which the mystics of eastern religions
speak. Unfortunately, for me this was not a desired state - complete
and utter hell is more like it.

One interesting point is that I often find it impossible to get to
sleep even when I am lying in bed for hours a day with my eyes closed.
When I am able to sleep, though, it's only for about an hour at a
time, but I get the most wonderfully intense, vivid dreams you can
imagine. In these dreams, things feel completely normal, and I am able
to think deeply and feel like I used to be able to. In most of these
dreams I have been having a good time or feeling good about myself. If
I can feel like this in my subconscious, maybe there is hope that my
conscious mind will return to normal.

During the past week or so the Blizzard of 2005 occured, some of the
coldest weather in years hit the region, and all I could do was lie in
a bed and be vaguely aware of what was happening, but not able to
associate emotions with any of the events, and fundamentally not
caring at the deepest level. It doesn't even feel like 2005, hell it
doesn't feel like anything at all.

A few days ago, the complete destruction of my inner self and absolute
detachment from my person was finally complete. It feels like "I" have
ceased to exist in a very real way, yet emotionally I can feel nothing
about this fact. Emotions are long gone, from the shallow to the
deepest parts of myself. I should be scared, I should be constatly
trying to fight what is happening, but I don't. I can't. I have no
mouth, yet I must scream. When my feelings first started evaporating,
I would have a physical reaction at each shift in consciousness - my
heart would beat rapidly, or I would start sweating. Now, I don't even
have that reaction - I just watch idly as it happens. Although, short
of complete unconsciousness, there's not much left of myself to lose.

All feelings other than pure "being" are gone now, my mind has quieted
to the level where it's impossible to think about anything at a deep
level or for a long period of time. What exists is only what my mind
perceives (not what "I" perceive - "I" have ceased to exist - "I"
being the person that used to be inside of this physical body with
feelings, emotions, a psyche, and a personality). I honestly didn't
think a human being could ever feel like this yet still be considered
"alive". I feel like I am the most dead person with a pulse on the
planet right now.

The weird thing is, I don't know exactly how or why this has happened
to me. I mean, I understand DP is the mind's way of protecting it from
itself, but this is f--- ridiculous. I didn't think the mind would go
to the extent of destroying itself in order to protect itself. I feel
the Effexor may have played a role in getting me in this state, but I
could be wrong.

Anyway, I started this thread as a cry for help and a plea for any
suggestions about what I may be able to do to reverse this horrific
state. I'm 26 years old, and I live with my parents. Since entering
this state, I have completely let myself go - I go from lying in bed
all day to staring at myself in the mirror for long periods of time
trying to comprehend where the hell "I" am. I'm hardly eating at all.
I don't have the will to do anything - yesterday I tried to take a
shower and could not even wash myself because it required to much
effort. I can't make decisions at all, the thought required is too
deep.

My parents are going through hell worrying about me, but the sad thing
is - I can't bring myself to care. I can't feel anything towards
anybody, and as gone as I feel right now, I'm not scared and not even
able to think about what's going to happen to me or how I'm going to
end up. I haven't told anyone at the mental health place I go to about
this because I can guarantee if I go in to talk to them they will want
to put me in a hospital (I've been there twice and it's not somewhere
I want to go again). I look like hell - completely dead eyes with bags
under them and I can barely put words together.

I initially wanted some brain tests (EEG, CAT scan, PET scan) to rule
out anything physically damaged in the brain. However, this would
require meeting with a doctor and I feel too "gone" to talk to anyone
coherently. And there's always the possibility they would want me
hospitalized as well.

I don't really feel psychiatry has anything that can help me right
now. They certainly don't have a drug that can bring back my old
consciousness and sense of self. On the contrary, I feel their drugs
may have caused irreperable harm to me.

This feels like more of a "spiritual" issue. Although I've always
believed that the "spirit" was simply a function of the brain, at this
point I'm willing to try anything. My mom is a devout Catholic, she
wants me to talk to a priest, and go to a "healing mass". I'm as
anti-religion as they come, but I may be willing to do it. I'm also
looking into going to a wholistic health center. I know it seems
silly, but I'm taking St. John's Wort now. I don't have any delusions
it will cure me, but it can't hurt.

The thread "Depersonalization and Enlightenment" on the front page has
stuff that is relevant to what I am going through. I wonder if there
is a mystic or practitioner of medidation who would have a clue how to
reverse this.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. If anyone has any clue
about what I can do to get out of this hell I am in, please feel free
to offer your suggestions.

Thanks,

Matt