| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"TheAntipop" |
| Date: |
08 Feb 2005 12:13:44 AM |
| Object: |
The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
Hi all,
I posted the below messages seven days apart on the Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being, while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.
FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and derealization - two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly before
this recent experience.
Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:29 am Post subject: this is it - the
end of me.
Well, I didn't think it was possible to regress any further from the
point I was at when I posted the initial message, but I was wrong.
Thank you for the replies and support everyone, but unfortunately,
something I'm not sure anyone here can truly comprehend has happened
to me that I don't wish upon anyone: "I" have truly ceased to exist.
Yes, that's right. In the gradual process of taking these drugs and
losing more and more of myself, I noticed a moment at which there was
no more of "me" left to lose. My inner self and sense of being "me"
completely vanished. A consciousness remains, but I'm not sure who or
what it belongs to. This body walking the earth is no longer who I
used to know as me. My spirit has literally left me in a very real
way, and I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it. Or I would be,
if I could feel afraid.
All of the emotions and feelings that used to make up my psyche have
been completely destroyed at the deepest level imaginable. This I do
not exaggerate one iota. Within this mind there now exists absolutely
no trace of emotion or feeling toward any person, place, or object -
even ones that used to mean so much. The fact that they used to have
any meaning has been killed off as well, leaving me even unable to
long for the
past.
The fact that my emotions are completely gone is not even the whole
issue here. Of course, I have experienced flat emotions and even no
emotions in the past (especially with DP/DR), but what I am now
experiencing is something completely different. My state of being has
literally changed from existing as a person to simply a consciousness
without a sense of a personal "self". The person I used to call me has
literally ceased to exist. I cannot stress enough that I am being
literal here and not metaphorical. I'm sure some of you will read that
and think, "well, it may be how you feel, but that can't literally be
true". I can assure you, it is. I have gone over it it my mind again
and again, and come to the same conclusion. I have been erased as a
being.
You would think that this would be a frightening proposition, but I
literally cannot feel anything towards the situation. I've been in
this state for at least a week, but now time is completely
meaningless. All that exists is the moment, and all I've been doing
for the past two weeks is vegetating in a bed. Oddly, reading that
back is completely meaningless - it has no resonance with me, because
I am truly no longer here to care.
Unfortunately, this body is now completely unable to feel tired or to
sleep, so there is only a constant awareness that will not go away.
Before, I was able to dream vividly and unconsciously, now I get
barely perceptible flashes of moving images for a few seconds at a
time, but the consciousness is still awake. This awareness only
exists, it does not feel or judge anything. The mind now has
absolutely no capacity to feel interest, contentment, joy, sadness, or
any other emotion. A whole person has thoughts and feelings constantly
flitting through his head, analyzing people and events. My mind, on
the other hand, is completely flatlined. Cognitive ability is also
virtually nonexistant. I am amazed I am even able to formulate this
message.
The minutes tick by like eternities. As the days pass, I have been
simply watching the time pass in this new form I have become: a wisp
of nothingness trapped within a human body. I am truly in my own world
now. My old world has ceased to exist, yet life still goes on outside
as usual. People are living their lives, existing in the natural state
everyone was meant to be in. I have somehow slipped into a form of
hell that I would not have imagined in my wildest dreams was even
possible. But I know it is, because I am experiencing it first hand.
It is absolutely impossible to convey the level of hell that this
state is, and my cognitive ability has been absolutely destroyed, but
I will try. I now spend most of the day walking around the house with
unbelievably vacant eyes asking myself "how did this happen?", looking
into a mirror, and begging God to deliver me from this nightmare.
Recently, within the last couple of days, a new, horrific phenomenon
has arisen. Every single part of my body is now pervaded by a numbness
that is not physical, but spiritual. As an example, when you are lying
down in bed, your whole being, your sense of "you"ness has the feeling
of lying down. Likewise, if you sit up suddenly, you can feel yourself
rising up off of the bed. If you cross your legs or fold your arms,
aside from the physical feelings you get when you perform these
actions, there is an unspoken feeling you get within your own being of
movement and comfort that is completely and utterly absent in me now.
This is what I term "spiritual numbness".
My limbs are like deadweights - not physically numb but now devoid of
all that was me. Now, standing up feels exactly the same as lying down
or sitting - like nothingness. Walking now requires such an effort and
feels so strange that I usually opt not to. The trunk of my body is a
burnt out husk of complete and utter nothingness to the point where it
feels like the consciousness (not me, he is gone forever) is simply
floating in midair. If I try to spin around rapidly in an attempt to
feel dizzy, the room simply spins, but there is no perception of
getting any sort of feeling of dizziness inside or becoming
disoriented.
My other senses are dulled as well, especially smell. When I'm looking
at something, it doesn't feel like I am actually seeing it, but
instead the person in the body is. Since my inner self no longer
exists, I've got no sense of feedback about the input that the senses
receive, so it feels like I'm not actually seeing it, hearing it, or
looking at it. My sense of hearing now has the quality of rendering
sound completely meaningless. Somehow, I am perceiving the sounds, but
I am not truly hearing them like I used to. The tinnitus in my left
ear has also gotten louder, giving me a constant sense of utter quiet
and nothingness, even in a loud room.
Trying to listen to music is an amazingly disheartening experience (if
I could feel disheartened). It has turned into simply noise - the
sound of instruments with all of the emotions and that used to be
associated with
it completely sucked dry.
The sensation of eating is very strange now as well. Like every other
part of the body, the tongue is pervaded by the spiritual numbness I
mentioned , and the act of eating feels awkward, like the tongue is
heavy and numbed. I can taste food, but the emotional connection is
gone so it is impossible to enjoy it. I am no longer able to feel
satisfied when I eat or drink. Going to the bathroom is an adventure
too. I have lost all contact with my body, I'm sure you can figure it
out.
So here I am, (or what's left of me), trapped in a severed
consciousness that used to be a person, only able to observe the world
in the most detached way possible, not able to feel myself or have any
sort of relation to past experiences or accomplishments. This may
sound very uncaring, but I would trade places with a cancer patient,
and I would trade places with a quadrapalegic right now, because then
I would at least be alive.
The question remains: how did this happen? I'm almost positive that
some of the medications I have taken recently have played a role in
getting me in this state (Effexor, Ativan, and recently Clomipramine).
Before any of the meds, I was feeling very DP'd up and oblivionized
inside, but that's a far cry my current state of being completely
erased from existence. When you feel a pressure and a weird fizzing
sensation in your brain after taking these meds, chances are that they
are affecting your brain in a major way. Anyway, it's too late to be
regretful now. Thankfully, I can't even feel that.
If I'm honest with myself, there's only one real way out of this, and
I'll leave it to the imagination (let's just say I've been thinking
about it every five minutes for the past two weeks). Short of that,
I'm going to end up locked away in an institution, babbling to myself
inchorently. I don't think that's very dignified. As it is, right now
I can't interact socially. I can only stare straight ahead with
COMPLETELY dead eyes. If you saw them, you may understand.
Unfortunately, this is all too real, and not the ravings of a deluded
mind. I can only _wish_ I was just psychotic, but no, this is reality.
I had no idea a human life could end with the person remaining fully
awake and conscious (apparently at least), but now I know, it is
indeed possible. Oddly enough, there is an account on the web of
someone else experiencing something very similar. You may have read
this, an excerpt from Suzanne Segal's "Collision with the Infinite".
The part which is similar to me is where she accounts the loss of her
inner self entirely:
http://www.realization.org/page/doc0/doc0095.htm
The state I am in now is also somewhat similar to the Buddhist view of
"No-Self" or Sunyata. However, they meditate for years to achieve this
state and call it Enlightenment, I call it complete and total hell. I
wonder if it's possible that I slipped into by accidental means?
As you can see, this has gone beyond a "mental health" issue and into
a metaphysical or spiritual issue. If I believed in a spirit a part
from the brain (I don't, but don't rule it out), I would say mine has
completely left me, if that were possible. I was thinking of seeing a
preist or a shaman or someone with spiritual knowledge, but my
communication level is so poor right now that I'm not sure I'd be able
to do it.
To anyone reading this, in your opinion, could a handful of SSRI pills
(taken as prescribed over the course of several days) have damaged my
brain to this level where my sense of self and emotional life has been
completely destroyed, and cognitive functioning severely reduced? I
was told again and again by pdocs that SSRIs take weeks to build up in
the brain and that there's no way a few could damage you. Judging by
the weird feelings I've had in my head on these meds, they were wrong.
Anyway, I'm going to have an EEG and maybe a CAT scan. I doubt it will
show anything abnormal. I'm almost positive a PET scan would show huge
spots of inactivity or cell death in the temporal lobes, but my pdoc
said she could not order one since they are more used in experimental
studies.
In any event, I don't see a way out of this anytime soon, so I will
have to make a decision soon. It will be the most casual decision of
its kind ever made, because the emotion is not even there to care
about my own life. That's because it's not my life anymore. I'm not
sure anyone would understand, but it not only feels like I'm already
dead, but completely erased from existence at a cosmic level. What's
left here is but a wisp of nothingness... I'm amazed that it can even
type, much less think. I guess it's on autopilot. The question is, who
is the pilot? Because surely I am not. Most of me is truly at one with
infinity now, the next step is not far from here at all, it's just a
question of how and when.
Believe me, if you had a choice between the worst DP/DR feelings in
your life, and being in this state, you'd pray for the former. I would
too, but unfortunately, it's too late for me. I don't believe there's
any way to unring this bell. Good night, all.
Matt
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| User: "metta" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
08 Feb 2005 08:50:53 PM |
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"TheAntipop" <antipop42nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:culg01leemq3r0tpdrr43dfk3a9n6f7tuu@4ax.com...
To anyone reading this, in your opinion, could a handful of SSRI pills
(taken as prescribed over the course of several days) have damaged my
brain to this level where my sense of self and emotional life has been
completely destroyed, and cognitive functioning severely reduced? I
was told again and again by pdocs that SSRIs take weeks to build up in
the brain and that there's no way a few could damage you. Judging by
the weird feelings I've had in my head on these meds, they were wrong.
no, i don't think a handful of SSRIs could cause this, though it sounds like
you've already made up your mind that they have. if that's true, you might
want to lay off the St. John's wort, as it behaves a hell of a lot like an
SSRI.
weird how the anti-med contingent things pharmaceuticals ruined their lives,
but somehow herbs have no side effects.
oh, and BTW, for someone so unable to care about anything, you write a great
rant!
-kelly
.
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| User: "Dave" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
16 Feb 2005 08:11:43 AM |
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Hi,
Much of what you write, is familiair to the lowest point I got to in my
years of depression. The horror of what you describe is unimaginable to
people who have not suffered deep depression. The answer for me was
Celexa which ever so slowly brought me back. I had to increase the dose
slowly to 40mg am and 20mg evening over many months for it to start to
lift the depression, when you begin to regain your sense of taste, the
simple enjoyment of sun on your face and the smell of the garden it is
unbelievably wonderful. For me the key was patience and a high dose, I
also hope you have people who can help you with preparing food and
tidying, just walking around the block was a huge victory but let the
medication help you - it was the only way for me.
Dave
.
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| User: "Dave" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
17 Feb 2005 01:54:03 AM |
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I just read your Part 1and saw you had a bad experience on Effexor. I
was prescribed it but asked to be put on Celexa as I had read it was
better tolerated. I definitely remember being so sleepy and spaced out
especially during the first few days plus definitely affected my
libido(gradually improved over months). It is bloody scary trying a new
med when you are already so weakened by depression.For me the 'hell' of
being unable to function properly in the end forced me to take this
step after years of trying loads of alternative methods.
I don't agree with the poster who saw something selfcontradictory about
not being able to care about anything and being able to analyse and
write about your condition. In my case, when I had so little will/
mental strength/capacity to feel any pleasure, I automatically tried to
analyse what the hell was happening to me. It required less will than
anything else.
I am not religious either but in my desperation I went to a spiritual
healer. A extremely educated elderly lady who was very refined and
would conduct her healing by standing close while I was sitting in a
chair and placing her hands over me.In short, often she was able to
give me a feeling that a was being supported by an enveloping energy
field. This often gave me such relief from the lethargy and heaviness
associated with major depression. On its own it was not enough for me
but it was an extremely helpful as an adjunct to medication.
You can be well again.
Warmest wishes,
Dave
.
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| User: "Christina Peterson" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
21 Feb 2005 06:21:46 PM |
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I've been told I "intellectualize". But for me, too, it's rather easily
done. And also I find that if I can "walk all the way around" a problem,
see it from many views, I can internalize the information much more
effectively.
Your experience with a "spiritual healer" is interesting to me. By any
chance was she a Reiki practitioner? My husband and I are both Reiki
practitioners and have seen it be effective. A while back, I took a look at
my belief in healing and the fact that I still have debilitating Depression.
At first it bothered me. But when treating someone with cancer, eg, I don't
expect the cancer to be CURED. I anticipate that the Reiki energy will help
with side effects of chemo- or other therapy, and that with terminal
patience it will help the mind heal in preparation of what's coming up.
Sometimes energy work does more than that. But, in my experience, the
healing that is most consistent, and possibly also most important, is
spiritual healing.
Tina
"Dave" <darius66@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1108626843.674849.246560@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I just read your Part 1and saw you had a bad experience on Effexor. I
was prescribed it but asked to be put on Celexa as I had read it was
better tolerated. I definitely remember being so sleepy and spaced out
especially during the first few days plus definitely affected my
libido(gradually improved over months). It is bloody scary trying a new
med when you are already so weakened by depression.For me the 'hell' of
being unable to function properly in the end forced me to take this
step after years of trying loads of alternative methods.
I don't agree with the poster who saw something selfcontradictory about
not being able to care about anything and being able to analyse and
write about your condition. In my case, when I had so little will/
mental strength/capacity to feel any pleasure, I automatically tried to
analyse what the hell was happening to me. It required less will than
anything else.
I am not religious either but in my desperation I went to a spiritual
healer. A extremely educated elderly lady who was very refined and
would conduct her healing by standing close while I was sitting in a
chair and placing her hands over me.In short, often she was able to
give me a feeling that a was being supported by an enveloping energy
field. This often gave me such relief from the lethargy and heaviness
associated with major depression. On its own it was not enough for me
but it was an extremely helpful as an adjunct to medication.
You can be well again.
Warmest wishes,
Dave
.
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
01 Mar 2005 01:44:30 PM |
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In alt.support.depression TheAntipop <antipop42nospam@hotmail.com> wrote:
I posted the below messages seven days apart on the Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable
not exaggerate one iota. Within this mind there now exists absolutely
no trace of emotion or feeling toward any person, place, or object -
even ones that used to mean so much....
Hello again, Matt, thought your post deserved a reply all its own.
Other ppl have reported complete lack of emotions on SSRIs (that
wasn't quite my problem)
Now, how to convince your pdoc that you are way overdue for a
change? Some so-called "side effects" are taken more seriously
than others. Any suggestions?
--
but the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In... HST (1967)
when i got to the edge , i built a deck % (2005)
.
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
27 Feb 2005 01:50:50 AM |
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SSRIs can cause an emotional flatness, and benzodiazepines can
exacerbate depression. It may be you are taking the wrong kind of
medication, meaning medication that drives you in exactly the wrong
direction and exacerbates your problems. This can happen.
Medications that increase dopamine and norepinephrine, rather than
serotonin, tend to boost the ability to feel pleasure, happiness,
sensuality, sexuality, and physical connection to the world.
Wellbutrin is one of these, and helps many people. If Wellbutrin
doesn't work, there are stronger medications available.
Having said the above from the perspective of treating depression, I
know nothing about medical interventions for depersonalization and
derealization. If they call for radically different approaches, then
ignore what I've said. If what I've said sounds like it might be
useful for you, then please discuss the subject with your doctor.
The one thing you shouldn't do is more of whatever doesn't work.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"TheAntipop" <antipop42nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:culg01leemq3r0tpdrr43dfk3a9n6f7tuu@4ax.com...
Hi all,
I posted the below messages seven days apart on the
Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being,
while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.
FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and derealization -
two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly before
this recent experience.
.
|
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| User: "Christina Peterson" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
28 Feb 2005 02:22:31 PM |
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Are not Depersonalization and Derealization part of the loss of connection
to self which Depression?
In discussing my Depression, years ago, I had Depression described in
several ways. One was "Over-stimulation", and another was "Depression is a
disease of disconnection".
I don't know if the drugs you mention are responsible for your experience or
whether what you are describing is the experience of the void of Depression.
Not the usual symptoms but the disease itself.
Tina
"TheAntipop" <antipop42nospam@hotmail.com> wrote...
Hi all,
I posted the below messages seven days apart on the
Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being,
while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.
FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and derealization -
two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly before
this recent experience.
.
|
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| User: "Alan Harding" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
28 Feb 2005 03:56:22 PM |
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In message <42237d88@news.acsalaska.net>, Christina Peterson
<tinapetrsn@yahoo.com> writes
Are not Depersonalization and Derealization part of the loss of connection
to self which Depression?
They are different from, and separable from depression. 'Ordinary'
people can get them, even with no affective disorder, and derealisation,
at least, can last forever, not moving in and out of relapse like
depression. I don't know the odds, but I'd not be surprised to find that
the occurrence rates are the same in the undepressed population as the
depressed.
BTW, depression doesn't feel anything like loss of connection to self to
me. If anything, I feel more connected now than before I became
depressed.
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?
.
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| User: "Christina Peterson" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
03 Mar 2005 04:41:59 PM |
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Hi, Alan,
By managing my Depression and particularly my "stimulation" (information
in-put), I find I get away from the roller coaster of too much
activity/in-put then crash and burn dead-zone cycling associated with
Depression. I still crash when I've extended myself, of course, but it's
mostly under control.
I do end up with severe restrictions on what I can allow myself to put
energy into. Stultifying and frustrating. At the worse part of my
Depression, I described my world to my psychologist as being grey and
insubstantial. Of myself as being insubstantial. It alarmed him. He said
that was a deeper experience of Depression than feel bad. That not feeling
was a symptom of deeper Depression than feeling bad.
Is this different from what you were told?
By the way, I like you comment/sig line. Including the part about " They
might also just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?"
Tina
"Alan Harding" <Alan@harding.demon.co.uk> wrote in message
news:HBRKA3PGO5ICFwiM@harding.demon.co.uk...
In message <42237d88@news.acsalaska.net>, Christina Peterson
<tinapetrsn@yahoo.com> writes
Are not Depersonalization and Derealization part of the loss of
connection
to self which Depression?
They are different from, and separable from depression. 'Ordinary'
people can get them, even with no affective disorder, and derealisation,
at least, can last forever, not moving in and out of relapse like
depression. I don't know the odds, but I'd not be surprised to find that
the occurrence rates are the same in the undepressed population as the
depressed.
BTW, depression doesn't feel anything like loss of connection to self to
me. If anything, I feel more connected now than before I became
depressed.
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?
.
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
27 Feb 2005 08:44:34 AM |
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In alt.support.depression Nom dePlume <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote:
SSRIs can cause an emotional flatness...
The one thing you shouldn't do is more of whatever doesn't work.
Second that. wb N. de. P.
--
but the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In... HST (1967)
when i got to the edge , i built a deck % (2005)
.
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| User: "kerfoker" |
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| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
27 Feb 2005 12:59:02 PM |
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Nom dePlume!!!!!!
Long time no see!
:-)
-Fred
Nom dePlume wrote:
SSRIs can cause an emotional flatness, and benzodiazepines can
exacerbate depression. It may be you are taking the wrong kind of
medication, meaning medication that drives you in exactly the wrong
direction and exacerbates your problems. This can happen.
Medications that increase dopamine and norepinephrine, rather than
serotonin, tend to boost the ability to feel pleasure, happiness,
sensuality, sexuality, and physical connection to the world.
Wellbutrin is one of these, and helps many people. If Wellbutrin
doesn't work, there are stronger medications available.
Having said the above from the perspective of treating depression, I
know nothing about medical interventions for depersonalization and
derealization. If they call for radically different approaches, then
ignore what I've said. If what I've said sounds like it might be
useful for you, then please discuss the subject with your doctor.
The one thing you shouldn't do is more of whatever doesn't work.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"TheAntipop" <antipop42nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:culg01leemq3r0tpdrr43dfk3a9n6f7tuu@4ax.com...
Hi all,
I posted the below messages seven days apart on the
Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being,
while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.
FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and derealization -
two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly before
this recent experience.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
27 Feb 2005 02:08:28 PM |
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|
Hey, Fred, good to see you! Yes, I've been away for much longer than I
expected. Real life caught up with me, and kept me way too busy to
post. It's eased up now, though, so I should be around more. How's
life treating you?
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"kerfoker" <kerfoker@ix.netcom.com> wrote in message
news:42221876.3E04@ix.netcom.com...
Nom dePlume!!!!!!
Long time no see!
:-)
-Fred
Nom dePlume wrote:
SSRIs can cause an emotional flatness, and benzodiazepines can
exacerbate depression. It may be you are taking the wrong kind of
medication, meaning medication that drives you in exactly the
wrong
direction and exacerbates your problems. This can happen.
Medications that increase dopamine and norepinephrine, rather than
serotonin, tend to boost the ability to feel pleasure, happiness,
sensuality, sexuality, and physical connection to the world.
Wellbutrin is one of these, and helps many people. If Wellbutrin
doesn't work, there are stronger medications available.
Having said the above from the perspective of treating depression,
I
know nothing about medical interventions for depersonalization and
derealization. If they call for radically different approaches,
then
ignore what I've said. If what I've said sounds like it might be
useful for you, then please discuss the subject with your doctor.
The one thing you shouldn't do is more of whatever doesn't work.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"TheAntipop" <antipop42nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:culg01leemq3r0tpdrr43dfk3a9n6f7tuu@4ax.com...
Hi all,
I posted the below messages seven days apart on the
Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details
my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in
the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being,
while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the
aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.
FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and
derealization -
two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly
before
this recent experience.
.
|
|
|
| User: "kerfoker" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
28 Feb 2005 12:03:18 AM |
|
|
I'm fine, getting over the flu and hanging in there. I'm glad
to see you back!
-Fred
Nom dePlume wrote:
Hey, Fred, good to see you! Yes, I've been away for much longer than I
expected. Real life caught up with me, and kept me way too busy to
post. It's eased up now, though, so I should be around more. How's
life treating you?
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"kerfoker" <kerfoker@ix.netcom.com> wrote in message
news:42221876.3E04@ix.netcom.com...
Nom dePlume!!!!!!
Long time no see!
:-)
-Fred
Nom dePlume wrote:
SSRIs can cause an emotional flatness, and benzodiazepines can
exacerbate depression. It may be you are taking the wrong kind of
medication, meaning medication that drives you in exactly the
wrong
direction and exacerbates your problems. This can happen.
Medications that increase dopamine and norepinephrine, rather than
serotonin, tend to boost the ability to feel pleasure, happiness,
sensuality, sexuality, and physical connection to the world.
Wellbutrin is one of these, and helps many people. If Wellbutrin
doesn't work, there are stronger medications available.
Having said the above from the perspective of treating depression,
I
know nothing about medical interventions for depersonalization and
derealization. If they call for radically different approaches,
then
ignore what I've said. If what I've said sounds like it might be
useful for you, then please discuss the subject with your doctor.
The one thing you shouldn't do is more of whatever doesn't work.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Christina Peterson" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
28 Feb 2005 01:58:30 PM |
|
|
So, in what way has real life caught up with you? What have you been doing?
Tina
"Nom dePlume" <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:7fcfc$4222289c$43643cf3$26669@msgid.meganewsservers.com...
Hey, Fred, good to see you! Yes, I've been away for much longer than I
expected. Real life caught up with me, and kept me way too busy to
post. It's eased up now, though, so I should be around more. How's
life treating you?
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"kerfoker" <kerfoker@ix.netcom.com> wrote in message
news:42221876.3E04@ix.netcom.com...
Nom dePlume!!!!!!
Long time no see!
:-)
-Fred
Nom dePlume wrote:
SSRIs can cause an emotional flatness, and benzodiazepines can
exacerbate depression. It may be you are taking the wrong kind of
medication, meaning medication that drives you in exactly the
wrong
direction and exacerbates your problems. This can happen.
Medications that increase dopamine and norepinephrine, rather than
serotonin, tend to boost the ability to feel pleasure, happiness,
sensuality, sexuality, and physical connection to the world.
Wellbutrin is one of these, and helps many people. If Wellbutrin
doesn't work, there are stronger medications available.
Having said the above from the perspective of treating depression,
I
know nothing about medical interventions for depersonalization and
derealization. If they call for radically different approaches,
then
ignore what I've said. If what I've said sounds like it might be
useful for you, then please discuss the subject with your doctor.
The one thing you shouldn't do is more of whatever doesn't work.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"TheAntipop" <antipop42nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:culg01leemq3r0tpdrr43dfk3a9n6f7tuu@4ax.com...
Hi all,
I posted the below messages seven days apart on the
Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details
my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in
the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being,
while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the
aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.
FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and
derealization -
two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly
before
this recent experience.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
01 Mar 2005 12:59:08 AM |
|
|
As I mentioned in another post in the med group, moving is bad enough,
but remodeling afterwards is worse. Then throw in a demanding year-end
deadline for a big project at work, various family health emergencies
(all successfully resolved, thankfully), and other miscellany, and
something had to give. So I sacrificed the newsgroups for several
months, in favor of life. It was the right thing to do, but it's nice
to be back and see old friends.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"Christina Peterson" <tinapetrsn@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:422377e7@news.acsalaska.net...
So, in what way has real life caught up with you? What have you
been doing?
Tina
"Nom dePlume" <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:7fcfc$4222289c$43643cf3$26669@msgid.meganewsservers.com...
Hey, Fred, good to see you! Yes, I've been away for much longer
than I
expected. Real life caught up with me, and kept me way too busy to
post. It's eased up now, though, so I should be around more. How's
life treating you?
.
|
|
|
| User: "Christina Peterson" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
03 Mar 2005 04:54:26 PM |
|
|
Glad things resolved properly. And yup, the group is here for you to make
use of, and to ditch when there are things in real life that are more
immediately in need of your time.
Are you still in the same general location? Moving possessions is enough of
a pain, without having to establish new community ties too.
In another group, a couple friends have had move. One had tried to take too
big a step forward, gotten into more house and cost than she could handle.
At least she hadn't bought the place. We have so much emphasis in our
culture on material possessions as a sign of success that it's easy
over-commit. Many of the people who look most successful are in the biggest
mess of all. I need to remind myself of that occasionally, especially since
Depression decrees that I couldn't handle all I wanted even if I could have
it.
I'm rambling again. These comments are tangential to what I'm hearing, not
to what you're saying!
Tina
"Nom dePlume" <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:50d7$422412a2$43643cf3$2346@msgid.meganewsservers.com...
As I mentioned in another post in the med group, moving is bad enough,
but remodeling afterwards is worse. Then throw in a demanding year-end
deadline for a big project at work, various family health emergencies
(all successfully resolved, thankfully), and other miscellany, and
something had to give. So I sacrificed the newsgroups for several
months, in favor of life. It was the right thing to do, but it's nice
to be back and see old friends.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
"Christina Peterson" <tinapetrsn@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:422377e7@news.acsalaska.net...
So, in what way has real life caught up with you? What have you
been doing?
Tina
"Nom dePlume" <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:7fcfc$4222289c$43643cf3$26669@msgid.meganewsservers.com...
Hey, Fred, good to see you! Yes, I've been away for much longer
than I
expected. Real life caught up with me, and kept me way too busy to
post. It's eased up now, though, so I should be around more. How's
life treating you?
.
|
|
|
| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
03 Mar 2005 06:43:11 PM |
|
|
"Christina Peterson" <tinapetrsn@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:4227959b$1@news.acsalaska.net...
Glad things resolved properly. And yup, the group is here for you
to make
use of, and to ditch when there are things in real life that are
more
immediately in need of your time.
Are you still in the same general location? Moving possessions is
enough of
a pain, without having to establish new community ties too.
New city, new community, but a nice place. We like it here. The move
wasn't that bad, really; what soaked up most of my time was all the
stuff that came after.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
| User: "" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
27 Feb 2005 07:10:37 PM |
|
|
On Sat, 26 Feb 2005 23:50:50 -0800, "Nom dePlume"
<nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote:
<(((*> The one thing you shouldn't do is more of whatever doesn't work.
Nom!
How are you, dude?
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
.
|
|
|
| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
27 Feb 2005 09:10:52 PM |
|
|
Hi, Tara! Just fine, thanks. I had way too much to do for much longer
than I expected, so I didn't have time to post for quite a few months.
I'm back, now, and hopefully won't be so loaded any time soon.
How are you doing?
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
<waitingforgodot@samuel.beckett> wrote in message
news:hrr421lgpitpvabknsg5ttqriv6m7pludu@4ax.com...
On Sat, 26 Feb 2005 23:50:50 -0800, "Nom dePlume"
<nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote:
<(((*> The one thing you shouldn't do is more of whatever doesn't
work.
Nom!
How are you, dude?
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
.
|
|
|
| User: "" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
28 Feb 2005 08:01:26 PM |
|
|
On Sun, 27 Feb 2005 19:10:52 -0800, "Nom dePlume"
<nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote:
<(((*> Hi, Tara! Just fine, thanks. I had way too much to do for much longer
<(((*> than I expected, so I didn't have time to post for quite a few months.
<(((*> I'm back, now, and hopefully won't be so loaded any time soon.
<(((*>
<(((*> How are you doing?
Up and down like the proverbial toilet seat. Mostly up, thank
goodness.
We'll be off on holidays at the end of this week, a cruise in the
Caribbean followed by a visit to my sister in Nassau.
I am SO looking forward to it.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
.
|
|
|
| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
01 Mar 2005 12:56:23 AM |
|
|
<waitingforgodot@samuel.beckett> wrote in message
news:a3j721pmu1dgbgr2ic74qo0libdrkk0iso@4ax.com...
On Sun, 27 Feb 2005 19:10:52 -0800, "Nom dePlume"
<nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote:
<(((*> How are you doing?
Up and down like the proverbial toilet seat. Mostly up, thank
goodness.
Now there is a phrase that will live in my memory for a long time.
We'll be off on holidays at the end of this week, a cruise in the
Caribbean followed by a visit to my sister in Nassau.
I am SO looking forward to it.
Have fun!
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Kirby Cook" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
28 Feb 2005 10:29:34 PM |
|
|
waitingforgodot@samuel.beckett wrote:
On Sun, 27 Feb 2005 19:10:52 -0800, "Nom dePlume"
<nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote:
<(((*> Hi, Tara! Just fine, thanks. I had way too much to do for much longer
<(((*> than I expected, so I didn't have time to post for quite a few months.
<(((*> I'm back, now, and hopefully won't be so loaded any time soon.
<(((*>
<(((*> How are you doing?
Up and down like the proverbial toilet seat. Mostly up, thank
goodness.
We'll be off on holidays at the end of this week, a cruise in the
Caribbean followed by a visit to my sister in Nassau.
I am SO looking forward to it.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
Dear Tara, have a wonderful time.
Kirby
.
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| User: "Triv" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
17 Feb 2005 12:50:35 AM |
|
|
been there, done that. Some friendly advice if you care to take it is get
off the medication. In my own experience it caused me to self harm just to
be able to feel something other than anguish. Been clear of my own
medication for over a month now and although I am depreesed still I can at
least react to life, my body seems to be mine again and the anxiety is less
pronounced than before. Life is crap and the only way to deal with it is to
realise that fact and accept it, then and only then can you move onto
fleeting moments of happiness. Stay with it I'm sure you've heard it before
but life can be worth living.
.
|
|
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| User: "Christina Peterson" |
|
| Title: Re: The Death of a Human Soul: Part II |
21 Feb 2005 06:37:22 PM |
|
|
Sometimes I lack sympathy. Yup, sometimes life is crap. When it is, and a
person feels bad about it, that person might very well feel unhappy, rather
than having the mental illness of Depression. Overcoming feeling "blue" and
living life with a degree of appreciation inspite of bad things happening,
is good mental health.
I'm not saying unhappiness and Depression are mutually exclusive, or that
you (any "you") are not clinically Depressed. Accepting that life isn't
easy is simply a necessary part of getting older and wiser and coming to
terms with life.
Of course, this life skill is even more important for those of us with
clinical Depression. And it works.
Tina
"Triv" <barry@btrivett.wanadoo.co.uk> wrote ...
............although I am depreesed still I can at
least react to life, my body seems to be mine again and the anxiety is
less
pronounced than before. Life is crap and the only way to deal with it is
to
realise that fact and accept it, then and only then can you move onto
fleeting moments of happiness.
.
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