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The night after the first visit to preschool that counted, when she cried so
much, was the worst ever. Kept waking up crying, all through the night.
That was night before last.

We took her back yesterday for something like an hour's visit, and she was
fine. A little hesitant at first, then fine. Played on the playground,
impressing the aides, as usual, with her athleticism and fearlessness.

Last night, she slept well.

She went back for a half day today, and again she was fine, but we were with
her again.

Tomorrow, she will go for a half day by herself for the first time. We are
both concerned about this.

For me, it's what it will mean for her trust of us.

She needs a lot of attention but rejects too much closeness. She wants to
be close to you and wants your attention but doesn't want to be cuddled.
Anything like that.

You can see it in how she plays. With us and her dolls, with whom she can
be pretty rough.

It's as though she's rejecting us and the dolls before we have a chance to
reject her.

I've committed myself to waiting her out, and it works sometimes. Today, I
was "flying" her into the bathroom to wash her hands and kissed her on her
neck. She pulled off the kiss, as usual (she makes a motion with her hands
as though she's wiping them off or pulling them off) but when I redoubled my
efforts, it turned into a game, and she laughed. Tonight, I was playing
with her and one of her dolls, and she was rough at first, but became
gentler when I stayed with the game. Fed the doll, got a napkin to wipe the
doll's face, and brushed her teeth, when it got to be that time of night.

Sometime in the last preparations for sleep, she put one of her dolls to my
lips and then pulled the kiss off the doll and smiled. She was making a
joke. She likes to do that.

But being left at school--that's another thing entirely. Except once when
she was left briefly with Kristina's sister, she hasn't been separated from
both of us at the same time since we adopted her. And will the teachers
understand what the roughness is about?

I got her a locket for pictures, but she doesn't like the feel of it around
her neck.

I think she understands that the school isn't an orphanage--she's smart and
observant enough to know that there aren't beds and other indicia of that--a
kitchen, a laundry--but we'll see.