| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"" |
| Date: |
10 May 2006 11:11:32 AM |
| Object: |
Thinking of leaving husband |
Hi,
I posted this to alt.support.divorce, but they were about as far from
'supportive' as you can get. I suffer from major depression and so
does my husband, so I thought I'd post this here instead. Before I go
on, I must mention that I do not want to get counselling or take any
kind of pills. The problems we have in our marriage are mainly caused
by my husband.
I've been married to my husband for almost 3 years and I've
contemplated leaving him for a long time now.
We met online (in a depression forum actually) and for a while, things
were great. I went to see him and saw how unhappy he was in the place
he lived in, so I brought him over here to live with me.
We both suffer from depression and anxiety, although after all this
time, my husband STILL doesn't understand or really get my depression.
I have told him many times that I am not going to change and I've
always told him that he needs to learn to accept that and not fight it.
Ever since we got married, we've had many bad fights. The fights stem
from the fact that my husband doesn't listen to a word I say and I find
that I have to repeat myself over and over and over again because he
never gets it. I have to get very angry with him for anything to sink
in and I know that makes him nervous and turns him into a blabbering,
crying mess. We seem to fight over nothing and he knows that he can
avoid it, but he chooses not to. I have been driven to the edge with
the fighting.
He never talks to me about anything, never tells me how he feels or
gives me his opinion. He tells me that he's often got nothing to say
and that he feels 'pressured', which I don't understand since it seems
that he can't even talk to his own wife.
He has no goals, no ambitions and he doesn't take care of himself. On
top of that, he's started drinking a lot of beer every night and that
bothers me. He has no friends and never does anything other than sit
at home drinking too much and talking s**t, or he mopes around like a
zombie looking miserable.
It's like he can't even do one simple thing and that's listen. I have
completely lost patience with him and I'm just very angry and
frustrated.
He also has the nerve to suggest that we got to marriage counselling.
When he suggested that, I got very angry because going to marriage
counselling would be pointless as the fights we have are mostly because
he doesn't listen, causing me to lose it with him. He tells ME to get
help, but this is the way that I am. I've been like this (depressed)
all of my life and I managed fine before he came along.
Another problem is that he cannot handle my depression. When I say
things to vent, he often freaks out or gets scared by what I say. So I
don't feel comfortable talking to him anymore. When I get angry and
need to vent, it makes him uncomfortable. He takes things the wrong
way all the time (like I'm not always angry at him, just myself or the
world in general). He only seems to love me when I'm lovey-dovey, i.e.
when it suits him.
As for sex life, well there is none. He never initiates it and I think
it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. He's not romantic and
he never even makes the effort in that sense.
I'm extremely stressed out and depressed and I really don't need this.
I hate my job, I hate living in this city and I have no friends to talk
to. My husband doesn't seem to care and I've given up trying to talk
to him. I am bored out of my mind and I don't know what to do.
I know he's a good man. He does a lot of the house work, shopping and
laundry and he's not abusive or anything. He just seems so dead and
empty inside and it's like living with a room mate. I am afraid that
he's turning into an alcoholic too. I have considered leaving him many
times (I've told him this in the hope that he pulls his head out of his
*****) and now I feel that divorce would be the best option as this man
is clearly a lost cause.
I got him out of a horrible living situation and he doesn't seem to
appreciate that. He hasn't chosen to try to get better or to fix this
relationship.
He is not from here (the US) and he would probably have to go back to
his own country if we end up divorcing. I feel that might be the best
thing as he has no friends or family here anyway.
If anyone has any advice, please reply.
.
|
|
| User: "cal" |
|
| Title: Re: Thinking of leaving husband |
11 May 2006 09:44:44 AM |
|
|
<jmb0101@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1147277492.101879.141920@u72g2000cwu.googlegroups.com...
<snip>
If anyone has any advice, please reply.
i see two problems:
1) you're the "rescuer", ie you did it all for him. "I got him out of a
horrible living situation and he doesn't seem to appreciate that. He hasn't
chosen to try to get better or to fix this relationship."
2) you believe he needs to do all the changing and you don't have to do any.
"I have told him many times that I am not going to change and I've always
told him that he needs to learn to accept that and not fight it."
3) you're rigid, hostile, and ultra-defensive of the way you are and intend
to stay. "He also has the nerve to suggest that we go to marriage
counselling. When he suggested that, I got very angry because going to
marriage counselling would be pointless as the fights we have are mostly
because he doesn't listen, causing me to lose it with him. He tells ME to
get help, but this is the way that I am. I've been like this (depressed)
all of my life and I managed fine before he came along."
with a tude like this, rotsa ruck being married to anybody.
i'd love to hear his side. any chance he might post?
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Justin Case" |
|
| Title: Re: Thinking of leaving husband |
11 May 2006 02:44:17 AM |
|
|
<jmb0101@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1147277492.101879.141920@u72g2000cwu.googlegroups.com...
| Hi,
|
| I posted this to alt.support.divorce, but they were about as far from
| 'supportive' as you can get. I suffer from major depression and so
| does my husband, so I thought I'd post this here instead. Before I go
| on, I must mention that I do not want to get counselling or take any
| kind of pills. The problems we have in our marriage are mainly caused
| by my husband.
|
| I've been married to my husband for almost 3 years and I've
| contemplated leaving him for a long time now.
|
| We met online (in a depression forum actually) and for a while, things
| were great. I went to see him and saw how unhappy he was in the place
| he lived in, so I brought him over here to live with me.
|
| We both suffer from depression and anxiety, although after all this
| time, my husband STILL doesn't understand or really get my depression.
| I have told him many times that I am not going to change and I've
| always told him that he needs to learn to accept that and not fight it.
|
| Ever since we got married, we've had many bad fights. The fights stem
| from the fact that my husband doesn't listen to a word I say and I find
| that I have to repeat myself over and over and over again because he
| never gets it. I have to get very angry with him for anything to sink
| in and I know that makes him nervous and turns him into a blabbering,
| crying mess. We seem to fight over nothing and he knows that he can
| avoid it, but he chooses not to. I have been driven to the edge with
| the fighting.
|
| He never talks to me about anything, never tells me how he feels or
| gives me his opinion. He tells me that he's often got nothing to say
| and that he feels 'pressured', which I don't understand since it seems
| that he can't even talk to his own wife.
|
| He has no goals, no ambitions and he doesn't take care of himself. On
| top of that, he's started drinking a lot of beer every night and that
| bothers me. He has no friends and never does anything other than sit
| at home drinking too much and talking s**t, or he mopes around like a
| zombie looking miserable.
|
| It's like he can't even do one simple thing and that's listen. I have
| completely lost patience with him and I'm just very angry and
| frustrated.
|
| He also has the nerve to suggest that we got to marriage counselling.
| When he suggested that, I got very angry because going to marriage
| counselling would be pointless as the fights we have are mostly because
| he doesn't listen, causing me to lose it with him. He tells ME to get
| help, but this is the way that I am. I've been like this (depressed)
| all of my life and I managed fine before he came along.
|
| Another problem is that he cannot handle my depression. When I say
| things to vent, he often freaks out or gets scared by what I say. So I
| don't feel comfortable talking to him anymore. When I get angry and
| need to vent, it makes him uncomfortable. He takes things the wrong
| way all the time (like I'm not always angry at him, just myself or the
| world in general). He only seems to love me when I'm lovey-dovey, i.e.
| when it suits him.
|
| As for sex life, well there is none. He never initiates it and I think
| it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. He's not romantic and
| he never even makes the effort in that sense.
|
| I'm extremely stressed out and depressed and I really don't need this.
| I hate my job, I hate living in this city and I have no friends to talk
| to. My husband doesn't seem to care and I've given up trying to talk
| to him. I am bored out of my mind and I don't know what to do.
|
| I know he's a good man. He does a lot of the house work, shopping and
| laundry and he's not abusive or anything. He just seems so dead and
| empty inside and it's like living with a room mate. I am afraid that
| he's turning into an alcoholic too. I have considered leaving him many
| times (I've told him this in the hope that he pulls his head out of his
| *****) and now I feel that divorce would be the best option as this man
| is clearly a lost cause.
|
| I got him out of a horrible living situation and he doesn't seem to
| appreciate that. He hasn't chosen to try to get better or to fix this
| relationship.
|
| He is not from here (the US) and he would probably have to go back to
| his own country if we end up divorcing. I feel that might be the best
| thing as he has no friends or family here anyway.
|
| If anyone has any advice, please reply.
|
I think being married to an antagonizing, nagging cow like yourself is
probably not helping him at all, do him a favour and leave now.
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Ivan Marsh" |
|
| Title: Re: Thinking of leaving husband |
10 May 2006 12:00:57 PM |
|
|
On Wed, 10 May 2006 09:11:32 -0700, jmb0101 wrote:
Hi,
I posted this to alt.support.divorce, but they were about as far from
'supportive' as you can get. I suffer from major depression and so does
my husband, so I thought I'd post this here instead. Before I go on, I
must mention that I do not want to get counselling or take any kind of
pills. The problems we have in our marriage are mainly caused by my
husband.
Being supportive and telling you what you want to hear aren't the same
thing.
Your husband suggested counseling... sounds like a good idea to me...
unless you're afraid it's going to disprove the last sentence of your
statement above.
--
The USA Patriot Act is the most unpatriotic act in American history.
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "doublegrub" |
|
| Title: Re: Thinking of leaving husband |
11 May 2006 08:12:53 AM |
|
|
x-no-archive: yes
ig there's no kids involved, best leave now- at least take some time away
from each other, to see if your feelings are still as strong, as when you
first met?
.
|
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|
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