On Thu, 02 Jun 2005 09:27:46 GMT, Noon Cat Nick
<chatdemidiSPAMBEGONE@hotmail.com> wrote:

Kenster wrote:

If you could ask me any question at all what would it be?

"What's it been like for you?"

Well, I'll answer this like it's a sincere question, and
since it came from you and I can only assume that it is.

If you've honestly read this far than I thank you for
listening to one mans life with his mental illness. I
thank you for trying to understand the "other side of the
coin" for those you may just not understand what you may
see, or not see, in that "crazy person" out there, or even
here.

I feel real open all of a sudden and I really hope I don't
regret doing this in the future. I will say thank you NCN
for asking me this question. It really was nice to be able
to let some of these things out, as personal as some of
them are.

Take care of you,

Kenster

On Thu, 02 Jun 2005 09:27:46 GMT, Noon Cat Nick
<chatdemidiSPAMBEGONE@hotmail.com> wrote:

Kenster wrote:

If you could ask me any question at all what would it be?

"What's it been like for you?"

Well, I'll answer this like it's a sincere question, and since it came
from you and I can only assume that it is.

It's been a pretty long road actually. From age seven, when I lost my
father to suicide I learned to just depend on myself for everything.
I decided that I didn't "need" or wasn't going to "rely" on anyone
else in my life. I know that sounds like a young age to start having
feelings as complex as that, but I didn't realize they were that
complex at the time. I only realize that now.

In my teens and early twenties I used to think I was having dreams of
my father and he would talk to me and "guide" me through my life. The
bad part is, and now my further knowledge allows me to be aware of the
fact, that this was really the start of my psychotic symptoms. I
never really doubted any of the things I saw or heard as real or not
because I didn't have any reason or knowledge not to. I just followed
along believing that I had a special gift from God in that he allowed
my father to become sort of my guardian angel. I guess that's the
easiest way to try to explain it.

I've only come to realize what all this stuff in the begining actually
was through my doctors and therapist. I know it may sound strange for
a so called "normal" person, but I only very recently accepted the
fact that the things I see and hear are truly delusions and psychotic
breaks. Through my doctors I've learned that I can only accept with
their help whatever "longterm" issues I'm willing to evaluate from
outside the delusion.

This may sound strange or hard for some of you to understand but they
say I currently live out some of my delusions and so called psychotic
breaks in the present. They say they are so real to me that they
really can't convince me they are not and it is so real that it is my
life as much as your life is to you. In time, through constant help,
I will learn how to see them for what they are. They say they are
here to help me with ones that may turn violent or hurtful to others.

I've promised no excuses in the past and this is not one of them, but
all of you witnessed one of my "breaks" or "different realities" or
whatever you choose to call it here on the group. I decided I had to
complete a mission. I was TOLD I had to complete this mission and was
assisted on this mission by many others, or so that was my reality at
the time. My reality, my knowlege, everything I believed was right
and nothing anyone had to say otherwise was correct. It basically
took over my life at the time and there wasn't anything anyone could
do to change it. It was never personal for me, though it was
extremely personal to those who became trapped in it.

That is just one example that I use because if gives some of you a
better view of how someone who is clearly delusional and living an
ulternate belief will be immursed into that life and really have no
other "reality" in them. I can only describe it what we may call
living through a dream. It's all definately not real, but someone
like me only knows this through a very long process of help and
understanding the clues. Anyone who tries to "help" someone see that
they are having a "problem" when they are having a break will just be
speaking to a brick wall because there is no receptor strong enough to
break through that delusion. The only reality in my mind at any time
is what I believe at the time.

It's just as if you believe that you will die if you attempt to fly
from a hillside. A person can truly be delusional for very long
periods of time where they will believe with the same certainty that
you do that they will fly to the clouds if they could only get there
and jump. The trick for the people is not convincing them that they
are "wrong" it's doing everything to either keep them from that
hillside or trying to make that hillside seem unattractive as
possible.

I think through time and proper meds I've become better equipped to
realize the "minor" breaks when they come. Or at least be able to
work through them with the least amount of damage to my life and those
around me. I also believe some of you have wittnessed some of those
minor breaks here. I have a constant fear, delusional or not, that
one day the big one will come that I will never come out of and it
will be the one that I will forever say goodbye to everything and
everyone I love and live for. Only, by that time I won't even realize
the pain of all that and the only ones who will truly feel that pain
are the ones I should be feeling for. They are the ones who will look
on and wonder why. They will try to understand "why doesn't he
remember me" "why can't he understand that that just doesn't make
sense"...That's my biggest fear and my biggest enemy. I'll only let
on to one little current secret of mine. I know that this invisible
"enemy" that I've just described has become a set of demons in my
mind. They are associated with evil and the demon world. When I
describe or think of them I know I refer to them as "the red eyes". I
know I've used that term here before. When you see me use that term
you can believe that there is a very frightened and "breaking" person
on the other side of the monitor.

I really don't want to get into any other of my "are they delusions or
realities" because I seem to argue with my doctors, therapists and my
wife enough about all of those now. They write down the things they
want me to question in my mind before I act on them. There is a list
right here at my computer, by the phone, at the front door, taped to
the steering wheels of both cars (which I don't drive normally by the
way) all in an attempt to at least try to jolt something before I "do"
or "react" to some inside or outside stimulis that may have lifelong
repricussions. It's really the only thing left to do, short of
institutionalizing me now. Like I said above, I have no doubt that
the day will come that my mind has finally "broke", "damaged" or
whatever word you choose to use enough to put me there. It is my hope
that I will be in a state that I'll never remember the love and all
the wonderful things I've experienced in the "real" world when I get
there. Even small flashbacks to that will be a lifetime of hell.

When they say this disease is a constant fight it really and truly is.
You honestly sometimes try to sense if you are breaking away and if
you have "just enough" of reality in you to end it before you have to
go to a life of constant hell. I think you may see in the statistics
a stronger result of people trying to keep that "delusion" from
becoming a reality than anyone trying to "escape" or "just can't do it
anymore" stuff. I think it was just their final decision that the
lines were becoming to close together and the pain of not knowing and
only seeing "instances" of a so called "normal" life once lived is
just too damn painful to accept. Yes, it's one of those things that
everyone left says "why did he/she do it". Maybe my words here can
offer some sort of comfort in knowing that it truly was such a life
long fight for the person they lost, and maybe bring some more
personal insight into what that person may have been truly
experiencing when they made such a harsh decision. They call it the
ultimate act of selfishness, and in some ways I agree. I guess in
some ways I see a whole different side of that coin and maybe others
can now too.

Okay, as you can see I truly did take your question to heart and I've
poured more out on this board then I've ever done in my life to total
strangers. This is what I consider a big good/bad deal for me. I
cried writing this. I laughed writing this. But I can promise you
from the bottom of my heart that this came from the parts of me that
none of you have ever known or seen.

If you've honestly read this far than I thank you for listening to one
mans life with his mental illness. I thank you for trying to
understand the "other side of the coin" for those you may just not
understand what you may see, or not see, in that "crazy person" out
there, or even here.

I feel real open all of a sudden and I really hope I don't regret
doing this in the future. I will say thank you NCN for asking me this
question. It really was nice to be able to let some of these things
out, as personal as some of them are.

Take care of you,

Kenster

On Thu, 02 Jun 2005 18:10:08 -0700, kerfoker <kerfoker@ix.netcom.com>
wrote:

Kenster wrote:

If you could ask me any question at all what would it be?

Kenster

PS. I might just answer...might is the key word there...:o)

I think I'll just use the same pattern that was used on the SAT test
sheet. How did I do?.....:o)

Kenster

Can a unborn baby fart or burp?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies
before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a
major illness worse than a general illness?
Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better
than root beer floats?
Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a
full English breakfast?
What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a
question?

Is it possible to be allergic to water?
When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they
have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't
believe in God?
Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down
on it?
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount
just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of
the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and
nothing else does?
Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play
with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of
explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?
How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your
skin that color?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Whats a question with no answer called?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have
two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look
just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for
one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would
they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would
someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get
arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep
pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just
deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's
schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously
not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so
much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first
place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go
up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to
change
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers
from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are
buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do
you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm
gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to
use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it
realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire
and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it
becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like
chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular
television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in
law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli'
meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is
clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter
when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave
popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the
hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant
for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from
cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us
we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth
before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel
school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just
bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?

http://www.crazythoughts.com/

:-)
-Fred

On Thu, 02 Jun 2005 18:10:08 -0700, kerfoker <kerfoker@ix.netcom.com>
wrote:

Kenster wrote:

If you could ask me any question at all what would it be?

Kenster

PS. I might just answer...might is the key word there...:o)

I think I'll just use the same pattern that was used on the SAT test
sheet. How did I do?.....:o)

Kenster

Can a unborn baby fart or burp?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies
before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a
major illness worse than a general illness?
Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better
than root beer floats?
Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a
full English breakfast?
What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a
question?

Is it possible to be allergic to water?
When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they
have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't
believe in God?
Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down
on it?
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount
just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of
the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and
nothing else does?
Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play
with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of
explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?
How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your
skin that color?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Whats a question with no answer called?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have
two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look
just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for
one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would
they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would
someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get
arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep
pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just
deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's
schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously
not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so
much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first
place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go
up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to
change
their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers
from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are
buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do
you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm
gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to
use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it
realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire
and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it
becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like
chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular
television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in
law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli'
meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is
clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter
when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave
popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the
hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant
for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from
cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us
we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth
before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel
school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just
bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?

http://www.crazythoughts.com/

:-)
-Fred

kerfoker wrote:

Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look
just like the criminal they are playing?

Well, I heard it happened with an actor
on "America's Most Wanted" but I don't
know if it's true.

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Hmm. I was under the impression that's
what he called his *hat* after he stuck
the feather in it. But, in either case,
I don't know why.

These were funny, Fred.

Gayle

kerfoker wrote:

Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look
just like the criminal they are playing?

Well, I heard it happened with an actor
on "America's Most Wanted" but I don't
know if it's true.

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Hmm. I was under the impression that's
what he called his *hat* after he stuck
the feather in it. But, in either case,
I don't know why.