All of a sudden, yesterday and today, I feel as though the toggle switch
that controls my mood has been thrown in my brain, and I am having a very
difficult time concentrating on anything, or staying awake for that matter.
I am trying to write a paper, plan this week's lessons for my students, and
answer some questions due tomorrow on research methodologies. I'm trying to
work through it, write even though my brain isn't engaged, but it's really
really hard. I am disappointed to be in this place again, even though I'm
not yet sure what this place is. For days I've had the sensation that "I"
have gotten lost amidst all of the other things demanding space in my head,
and this scares me, because "I" have spent a tremendous amount of energy
over the past 5 years building up strategic walls of resistance that don't
feel as if they're fully holding together. My own voice is just barely a
whisper, and I need it to assert itself and remind me what I need to do to
continue to function. But what I hear instead is the other kind of voice
that tells me "See---this is what you get for trying hard. This is what you
get for your aspirations. This is what you get for thinking you're something
you're not." stupid.
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