| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"ensoul" |
| Date: |
01 Dec 2007 07:25:36 PM |
| Object: |
Took down xmas tree |
had decided to give my daughter & son-in-law the big tree I had, too
many memories with it and my late husband Rick...WTF why do they call
it late, Rick is not late he's DEAD
got myself a little 4 ft one, got it half off or couldn't afford
it...had it set up all day...was hanging up decorations no more of
that either, returning the tree..wasted $ Walmart won't give you the $
back unless u have the reciept
i hate the holidays now that Rick's gone...it's been 1 year and 4
months my T says i'm not stuck
it's harder & harder to find a reason to stay alive...Rick promised
we'd be together again i want that NOW there's only one way to make
that happen
i'm 49 yrs old, live below the poverty, live off the Govt w/SSI,
fucked everything in my life, went college when i was 30 even made
Dean's list every semester..kept taking time off cuz of the depression
not enough credits in the needed amnt of semesters..cant go back owe
big in student loans no way to pay them back..at this point in my live
i should be able to help out my kids like my mom did, ***** it's the
opposite
so i found myself in the kitchen holding my chef knife against the
veins don't remember walking to the bathroom there i was with a lg.
towel under me..i was naked
dressed sobbing got calmed down some called my daughter told her i
might need to go in the hospital and apologized for it because she has
many problems right now too....i made her cry....never should i make
my daughter cry..OMG i'm so sorry...promised i would be safe until Mon
when i could talk w/my T...cant call now have this awful hotline you
call and tell some receptionist at the hospital what the problem and
in this small town every knows everyone leave your name, phone, and
address then if you're lucky an hour a later u get a call back....with
being on Medicaid have to go to the local hospital only a block away
Psych unit is awful, been there..staff openly belittle patients that's
only a small part of the prob...if i have to go in want to use the
hosp abt an hour away not that want to...but that is much better run,
they have 2 units one for the more suicidal much more quiet in that
unit the other unit they have an enclosed outside you can go in & out
as you need, they have grps based on your "problem" area & you get
assigned a staff person every shift they stick w/the same ppl they
have at least a bach in psych or social work...plus of coarse the Pdoc
you see every day..the hosp here has one grp for everybody even the
ones that are very psychotic, you see your T, M-F for 15 min, and the
Pdoc once a week if lucky...the rest the time you watch TV or pace the
hallways the bedrooms are on a diff floor, no priv phone allowed you
one pay phone for all the patients
Rick...why the ***** did you die on me you said 4ever you promised
i'm rambling...taking my sleeping med, pain meds...kncok myself out &
sleep
ensoul
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, because I'm not myself, you see.
~Lewis Carroll
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: Took down xmas tree |
01 Dec 2007 10:44:21 PM |
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"ensoul" <Lensoul99@aol.com> wrote in message
news:9ba49c78-741d-44d7-8ee8-34b3a7ad2436@f3g2000hsg.googlegroups.com...
had decided to give my daughter & son-in-law the big tree I had, too
many memories with it and my late husband Rick...WTF why do they call
it late, Rick is not late he's DEAD
got myself a little 4 ft one, got it half off or couldn't afford
it...had it set up all day...was hanging up decorations no more of
that either, returning the tree..wasted $ Walmart won't give you the $
back unless u have the reciept
i hate the holidays now that Rick's gone...it's been 1 year and 4
months my T says i'm not stuck
it's harder & harder to find a reason to stay alive...Rick promised
we'd be together again i want that NOW there's only one way to make
that happen
i'm 49 yrs old, live below the poverty, live off the Govt w/SSI,
fucked everything in my life, went college when i was 30 even made
Dean's list every semester..kept taking time off cuz of the depression
not enough credits in the needed amnt of semesters..cant go back owe
big in student loans no way to pay them back..at this point in my live
i should be able to help out my kids like my mom did, ***** it's the
opposite
so i found myself in the kitchen holding my chef knife against the
veins don't remember walking to the bathroom there i was with a lg.
towel under me..i was naked
dressed sobbing got calmed down some called my daughter told her i
might need to go in the hospital and apologized for it because she has
many problems right now too....i made her cry....never should i make
my daughter cry..OMG i'm so sorry...promised i would be safe until Mon
when i could talk w/my T...cant call now have this awful hotline you
call and tell some receptionist at the hospital what the problem and
in this small town every knows everyone leave your name, phone, and
address then if you're lucky an hour a later u get a call back....with
being on Medicaid have to go to the local hospital only a block away
Psych unit is awful, been there..staff openly belittle patients that's
only a small part of the prob...if i have to go in want to use the
hosp abt an hour away not that want to...but that is much better run,
they have 2 units one for the more suicidal much more quiet in that
unit the other unit they have an enclosed outside you can go in & out
as you need, they have grps based on your "problem" area & you get
assigned a staff person every shift they stick w/the same ppl they
have at least a bach in psych or social work...plus of coarse the Pdoc
you see every day..the hosp here has one grp for everybody even the
ones that are very psychotic, you see your T, M-F for 15 min, and the
Pdoc once a week if lucky...the rest the time you watch TV or pace the
hallways the bedrooms are on a diff floor, no priv phone allowed you
one pay phone for all the patients
Rick...why the ***** did you die on me you said 4ever you promised
i'm rambling...taking my sleeping med, pain meds...kncok myself out &
sleep
your posts always make me so sad.
i'm so sorry, lynn. :(
~u2b
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Took down xmas tree |
02 Dec 2007 05:18:59 PM |
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On Dec 1, 8:25 pm, ensoul <Lensou...@aol.com> wrote:
had decided to give my daughter & son-in-law the big tree I had, too
many memories with it and my late husband Rick...WTF why do they call
it late, Rick is not late he's DEAD
got myself a little 4 ft one, got it half off or couldn't afford
it...had it set up all day...was hanging up decorations no more of
that either, returning the tree..wasted $ Walmart won't give you the $
back unless u have the reciept
i hate the holidays now that Rick's gone...it's been 1 year and 4
months my T says i'm not stuck
it's harder & harder to find a reason to stay alive...Rick promised
we'd be together again i want that NOW there's only one way to make
that happen
i'm 49 yrs old, live below the poverty, live off the Govt w/SSI,
fucked everything in my life, went college when i was 30 even made
Dean's list every semester..kept taking time off cuz of the depression
not enough credits in the needed amnt of semesters..cant go back owe
big in student loans no way to pay them back..at this point in my live
i should be able to help out my kids like my mom did, ***** it's the
opposite
so i found myself in the kitchen holding my chef knife against the
veins don't remember walking to the bathroom there i was with a lg.
towel under me..i was naked
dressed sobbing got calmed down some called my daughter told her i
might need to go in the hospital and apologized for it because she has
many problems right now too....i made her cry....never should i make
my daughter cry..OMG i'm so sorry...promised i would be safe until Mon
when i could talk w/my T...cant call now have this awful hotline you
call and tell some receptionist at the hospital what the problem and
in this small town every knows everyone leave your name, phone, and
address then if you're lucky an hour a later u get a call back....with
being on Medicaid have to go to the local hospital only a block away
Psych unit is awful, been there..staff openly belittle patients that's
only a small part of the prob...if i have to go in want to use the
hosp abt an hour away not that want to...but that is much better run,
they have 2 units one for the more suicidal much more quiet in that
unit the other unit they have an enclosed outside you can go in & out
as you need, they have grps based on your "problem" area & you get
assigned a staff person every shift they stick w/the same ppl they
have at least a bach in psych or social work...plus of coarse the Pdoc
you see every day..the hosp here has one grp for everybody even the
ones that are very psychotic, you see your T, M-F for 15 min, and the
Pdoc once a week if lucky...the rest the time you watch TV or pace the
hallways the bedrooms are on a diff floor, no priv phone allowed you
one pay phone for all the patients
Rick...why the ***** did you die on me you said 4ever you promised
i'm rambling...taking my sleeping med, pain meds...kncok myself out &
sleep
ensoul
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, because I'm not myself, you see.
~Lewis Carroll
ensoul..."frett" again here./brian I mean.
here is the link....it costs more for NYorkers, but not much....they
can help you....I got scholarships, ya just have to want it.
The important thing is accredidation (sp)....and this sucker is.
Priceton, Harvard, Yale....yeah, and I NEVER went to New Britain,
ever. where the school is.
They give you the advisor (D Cassiday was mine, great older woman) and
a plan of attack, a curriculum for what you want. Please, if they
recommend 'human services', take it. I took History, and ...big deal.
But...then you take, for instance, the Act Pep or CLEP tests (3
credits each, they give you the names of 10 books to read....find the
best one....ace it...I did) in many subjects, you take the test at
your local library, or someplace real close, like the local comm
college...IThey are nationally recognized tests, guys in the army take
them...and they statistically tell you how you did compared with
students who took a course in...The Civil War....Environmental
Studies....Comparative Religions.....
whatever....3 credits a piece, 50 bucks at most per test....that's a
600$ savings....Then you do correspondence courses with the U of
Indiana. This was before computers, for me, and you have to read the
stuff and know the heck out of it....it's great, inspiring....
Then you take the GRE. If you pass it (Graduate Record Exam, another
national test, to see if you fit graduate school/they give you the
books to read/library has them) you get 12 credits for that. At 100
bucks, that's about 2500 saved.
You will love it.
http://www.charteroak.edu/
peace.(put up a real tree, with no decorations....a picture of someone
you love....and 500 small twinkly lights from Walmart, 5 $) (the
walmart plastic stand...6 bucks, holds a lot of water...near a window,
at night they reflect.)
I'm so sorry for your loss, hon.
b
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| User: "ensoul" |
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| Title: Re: Took down xmas tree |
02 Dec 2007 09:09:41 PM |
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On Dec 2, 6:18=EF=BF=BDpm, wrote:
On Dec 1, 8:25 pm, ensoul <Lensou...@aol.com> wrote:
To everybody that replied...many thanks..you all went out of you way
to help
as for college I'm not capable of doing the work .. when I go to the
University level I was floundering was going to get my Bachelor's in
Psych then go for my MSW..Hell NO don't want that at all...don't know
what I'd want...took the interest & aptitude test, get this I rated
high for police work..NO WAY
was working with VESID an NY State Program for ppl w/disabilties...I
did go back to them and was retraining for computer repair (not my
alley at all) then my Mom was in a major car accident she also had a
brain tumor..benign...but I'm her caregiver .. we don't live together
(thankfully)
NO on any Xmas tree I can't do for some reason, every time Ilooked at
it I wanted to die
so I put decorations for my Grandson
decide no on the hospital too...they cant help with
grief...paraphrasing from a Harry Connick Jr. song...for pain we can
help but for hurt there's nothing we can do
all after the holidays I will look into those links and info you all
gave me, thanks so much
staring in Oct, our anniv and his birthday then holidays starting it's
been all down hill...Rick so much loved holidays..said he searched his
whole life never knowing what for until he found me and became part of
our family
a month before he died we were all at my Mom's and my sister had came
from Oregon (it had been over 20 yrs since she had been back) a
impromp to fmaily pic was taken with Rick in the middle sitting down
(not feeling well) still smiling, Julius (our grandson) had his arm
around..it's a wonderful pic..he later told my daughter it was one of
the happiest days of his life being surronded by the ppl he loved and
having his family
like many of us his fmaily of orgin was wacked. adopted by his aunt &
uncle..told his bioligacl parents could afford him yet later they had
more kids...turns out Grandma put the pessure of his real parents
(they were poor) and grandma made the house payments..she told them to
give up Rick or they would be homeless..his aunt & uncle couldn't have
kids and deserved one more than they did!
i pay for presents by not eating when I take my mom around she takes
me out to eat so I have one good meal a day and I take Vitamins
ensoul
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, because I'm not myself, you see.
~Lewis Carroll
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| User: "Miserable Man" |
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| Title: Re: Took down xmas tree |
02 Dec 2007 10:00:22 PM |
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ensoul <Lensoul99@aol.com> wrote in news:4733d498-7859-4f7d-b65a-
cc4b98739280@l1g2000hsa.googlegroups.com:
i pay for presents by not eating when I take my mom around she takes
me out to eat so I have one good meal a day and I take Vitamins
ensoul
This is really sad. I'm sure nobody expects you to spend much on presents
when you can't afford it.
--
Miserable Man
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Took down xmas tree |
02 Dec 2007 03:56:37 PM |
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On Dec 1, 8:25 pm, ensoul <Lensou...@aol.com> wrote:
had decided to give my daughter & son-in-law the big tree I had, too
many memories with it and my late husband Rick...WTF why do they call
it late, Rick is not late he's DEAD
got myself a little 4 ft one, got it half off or couldn't afford
it...had it set up all day...was hanging up decorations no more of
that either, returning the tree..wasted $ Walmart won't give you the $
back unless u have the reciept
i hate the holidays now that Rick's gone...it's been 1 year and 4
months my T says i'm not stuck
it's harder & harder to find a reason to stay alive...Rick promised
we'd be together again i want that NOW there's only one way to make
that happen
i'm 49 yrs old, live below the poverty, live off the Govt w/SSI,
fucked everything in my life, went college when i was 30 even made
Dean's list every semester..kept taking time off cuz of the depression
not enough credits in the needed amnt of semesters..cant go back owe
big in student loans no way to pay them back..at this point in my live
i should be able to help out my kids like my mom did, ***** it's the
opposite
so i found myself in the kitchen holding my chef knife against the
veins don't remember walking to the bathroom there i was with a lg.
towel under me..i was naked
dressed sobbing got calmed down some called my daughter told her i
might need to go in the hospital and apologized for it because she has
many problems right now too....i made her cry....never should i make
my daughter cry..OMG i'm so sorry...promised i would be safe until Mon
when i could talk w/my T...cant call now have this awful hotline you
call and tell some receptionist at the hospital what the problem and
in this small town every knows everyone leave your name, phone, and
address then if you're lucky an hour a later u get a call back....with
being on Medicaid have to go to the local hospital only a block away
Psych unit is awful, been there..staff openly belittle patients that's
only a small part of the prob...if i have to go in want to use the
hosp abt an hour away not that want to...but that is much better run,
they have 2 units one for the more suicidal much more quiet in that
unit the other unit they have an enclosed outside you can go in & out
as you need, they have grps based on your "problem" area & you get
assigned a staff person every shift they stick w/the same ppl they
have at least a bach in psych or social work...plus of coarse the Pdoc
you see every day..the hosp here has one grp for everybody even the
ones that are very psychotic, you see your T, M-F for 15 min, and the
Pdoc once a week if lucky...the rest the time you watch TV or pace the
hallways the bedrooms are on a diff floor, no priv phone allowed you
one pay phone for all the patients
Rick...why the ***** did you die on me you said 4ever you promised
i'm rambling...taking my sleeping med, pain meds...kncok myself out &
sleep
ensoul
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, because I'm not myself, you see.
~Lewis Carroll
ensoul.....check out 'Charter Oak Stae College' in New Britain,
CT...on line. They'll take the credits you have, give you an advisor
who will be with you until you graduate, you can take CLEP and ACT_PEP
tests, the GRE, and correspondence courses. Not expensive, free if
you are hurting. Took me 5 years of screwing around, but got the BS
in 97. I can get into any graduate school in the nation, very
accredited, COSC.
Not one of those U of Phoenix crap fests, it's real.
It's a new world.
I'm sorry you lost your guy. He wants you to find happiness. Talk to
him. He's in a better position to help you now....My father does some
wildly great stuff now that he died. Amazing.
brian/frett/ian
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| User: "Translucent Troglodyte" |
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| Title: Re: Took down xmas tree |
01 Dec 2007 10:18:33 PM |
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On Sat, 1 Dec 2007 17:25:36 -0800 (PST), ensoul <Lensoul99@aol.com>
wrote:
had decided to give my daughter & son-in-law the big tree I had, too
many memories with it and my late husband Rick...WTF why do they call
it late, Rick is not late he's DEAD
got myself a little 4 ft one, got it half off or couldn't afford
it...had it set up all day...was hanging up decorations no more of
that either, returning the tree..wasted $ Walmart won't give you the $
back unless u have the reciept
i hate the holidays now that Rick's gone...it's been 1 year and 4
months my T says i'm not stuck
it's harder & harder to find a reason to stay alive...Rick promised
we'd be together again i want that NOW there's only one way to make
that happen
i'm 49 yrs old, live below the poverty, live off the Govt w/SSI,
fucked everything in my life, went college when i was 30 even made
Dean's list every semester..kept taking time off cuz of the depression
not enough credits in the needed amnt of semesters..cant go back owe
big in student loans no way to pay them back..at this point in my live
i should be able to help out my kids like my mom did, ***** it's the
opposite
so i found myself in the kitchen holding my chef knife against the
veins don't remember walking to the bathroom there i was with a lg.
towel under me..i was naked
dressed sobbing got calmed down some called my daughter told her i
might need to go in the hospital and apologized for it because she has
many problems right now too....i made her cry....never should i make
my daughter cry..OMG i'm so sorry...promised i would be safe until Mon
when i could talk w/my T...cant call now have this awful hotline you
call and tell some receptionist at the hospital what the problem and
in this small town every knows everyone leave your name, phone, and
address then if you're lucky an hour a later u get a call back....with
being on Medicaid have to go to the local hospital only a block away
Psych unit is awful, been there..staff openly belittle patients that's
only a small part of the prob...if i have to go in want to use the
hosp abt an hour away not that want to...but that is much better run,
they have 2 units one for the more suicidal much more quiet in that
unit the other unit they have an enclosed outside you can go in & out
as you need, they have grps based on your "problem" area & you get
assigned a staff person every shift they stick w/the same ppl they
have at least a bach in psych or social work...plus of coarse the Pdoc
you see every day..the hosp here has one grp for everybody even the
ones that are very psychotic, you see your T, M-F for 15 min, and the
Pdoc once a week if lucky...the rest the time you watch TV or pace the
hallways the bedrooms are on a diff floor, no priv phone allowed you
one pay phone for all the patients
Rick...why the ***** did you die on me you said 4ever you promised
i'm rambling...taking my sleeping med, pain meds...kncok myself out &
sleep
ensoul
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, because I'm not myself, you see.
~Lewis Carroll
If you got to the town with better psych unit, then called the
hotline, could you get admitted there? And if that would work, can
your daughter help get you there?
It sounds like you're at the point of needing some security for
yourself... I hear and recognize the pain you're in...
When the system sucks, make it work for you as best you can. Easier
said than done, I know; I've been swinging pretty wildly myself for
the last month.
If you need to be in a supervised situation, though, and can't find
some way to get into the better unit, use the worse one if you need
to, ensoul... but if typing is helpful, keep writing, okay? I'll be
up for awhile. My email addy isn't munged, either.
Please be gentle with yourself.
TT
--
Moving Beyond the Binary Gender Option
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| User: "Noon Cat Nick" |
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| Title: Re: Took down xmas tree |
02 Dec 2007 11:45:20 AM |
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ensoul wrote:
<snip>
i'm 49 yrs old, live below the poverty, live off the Govt w/SSI,
fucked everything in my life, went college when i was 30 even made
Dean's list every semester..kept taking time off cuz of the depression
not enough credits in the needed amnt of semesters..cant go back owe
big in student loans no way to pay them back..at this point in my live
i should be able to help out my kids like my mom did, ***** it's the
opposite
Just as a practical matter, defaulting on student loans should have no
bearing on whether you can return to college. All that matters to the
school is that you're unencumbered. True, loans as a means of financial
aid are closed off to you. But there's quite a bit of money to be had
for persons in your situation. Pell Grants, for example, are available
to non-traditional students who demonstrate financial need. They helped
pay for a lot of my schooling. If you really want to return to college,
talk to an advisor at the school's financial aid center. Colleges and
univesities want to help people pay for their education--especially
someone with an educational background such as yours--and they know the
ropes when it comes to securing grants and scholarships, which don't
have to be repaid.
My own educational history is much like your own. I went to UIUC when I
was 30, and had a terrible time with depression. I always made the
Dean's List, yet had to drop out about every third semester because of
depression; once I had to take an entire year off. And I also wasn't
able to get enough credits in the required number of semesters. But
right now I'm planning to go back, either this spring or next fall, to
take a semester course in travel/tourism/hospitality, and receive
certification in those fields. The course costs $2,500 plus $100 for
classroom materials. And I also have a defaulted student loan that I've
yet to pay off fully. But at this point, through grants alone, I'm able
to pay for everything should I go this spring. And I've been accepted
for enrollment already. It can be done.
Whatever the case, please know how concerned I am for you. I'm 48,
divorced, unemployed at present. It's been a long, millstone-ridden road
I've been on for years to finally get to the point where I'm actually
able to envision and plan a decent future for myself. I pray that
happens for you as well, and soon.
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