| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Ryan upset@myself" |
| Date: |
28 Aug 2004 10:49:03 PM |
| Object: |
Trying hard to not try too hard |
....or so my excuse goes.
Sometimes I feel as if nothing can slow me down, but just as soon as plans
aren't executed exactly as fantasized, I'm left with an almost comfortingly
familiar feeling of failure. I hear the world yawn, but still manage to
run through my head dreams of enlightenment and connection.
Although it seems I've finally made sense of a few shortcomings, I've
really accomplished little during the past few years. And then if I begin
to factor in all that I've let slip away, I'm left with only an echo of
'Good enough never is' that I haven't been able to rid my mind of since it
was first implanted about ten years ago.
I sit here today living with the parents, having been unemployed for three
and a half years, and recently reaching the three year mark since detaching
myself from the group of friends I'd hang out with, imagining that
isolation would surely free me from what I thought at the time was a
destructive influence. Needless to say, it took a hell of a long time
before realizing it wasn't the friends who made my life difficult.
In addition to feeling useless and hopeless, but refusing to throw in the
towel, I've somehow found it acceptable to never detach myself from the
house, developing fear of those I don't know and paranoia of those I do.
Granted, the only people I speak with are the parents on fairly rare
occasions and the siblings even rarer; none of whom I have respect for as
I'm constantly fed a platter of pity since I don't mirror their religious
beliefs. It's also tough to watch parental support in the form of free
vehicles and college educations being tossed out to the submissive and
obedient while I'm given a $16k debt instead. But as much as I'd like to
deny (though probably do, actually), I'm the one to blame for the debt.
Being distanced from civilization and without a working car for over a
year, I've further secluded myself. My speech skills have drastically
withered, and I can't remember the last time I didn't feel out of place
wherever I might be. This has only added to the self-indulgence and
-loathing that I've been fighting all my life.
I don't know exactly where I'm trying to go with this. Perhaps I'm
desperate for a sliver of recognition, an understanding that the longer I
stand around the tighter the grip is held by those who live in fear that
I'm not who they expect me to be, or even criticism on my overuse, of,
commas. Or maybe I need some better perspective.
Just one of those lives, I guess.
.
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| User: "=^.^=" |
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| Title: Re: Trying hard to not try too hard |
29 Aug 2004 02:45:21 AM |
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On 29 Aug 2004 03:49:03 GMT, Ryan <upset@myself> wrote:
I don't know exactly where I'm trying to go with this. Perhaps I'm=20
desperate for a sliver of recognition, an understanding that the longer =
I=20
stand around the tighter the grip is held by those who live in fear that=
=20
I'm not who they expect me to be, or even criticism on my overuse, of,=20
commas. Or maybe I need some better perspective.
Just one of those lives, I guess.
I've gone thru several lives...the first one could have been
considered almost feral, since it was unlike anything the
standard American is fed. Life Two was socialization to
the subculture that found me acceptable, and the weird
but ethical people that took me on as their "protege"
I exceeded their wildest expectations. I didn't mess with
community college, tho, untill poverty became a stone drag
with the teardown of my relationships (evidently I was getting
my ***** together too fast for comfort), Life Three ended, sadly
Life Four clued me even more, and I did do some good works
....didn't complete that Masters' Degree, tho
but I did do some fixing on some seriously damaged children
that life ended as I stonewalled against rising control-freak *****
and assorted passed-along abuse starting to rain-out, on me
I've done the best I can in Life Five. the depression isn't mine
but being immersed in it has had its' side-effects. it will die
will there be Life Six? unknown. likely, if there is oppourtunity
and time, and I can nullify the bad effect of Destiny Rules......
you appear to have the time and wide-open options, without
any of the negative ***** you'd get from just going your own way
um, just do it. you may have nothing to lose by doing just that
.
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| User: "Ryan upset@myself" |
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| Title: Re: Trying hard to not try too hard |
29 Aug 2004 06:17:01 AM |
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=^.^= <=^.^=@=^.^=> wrote in news:7oYxQerbQCWg+32ypo1TCO0oDiKW@4ax.com:
I've gone thru several lives...the first one could have been
considered almost feral, since it was unlike anything the
standard American is fed. Life Two was socialization to
the subculture that found me acceptable, and the weird
but ethical people that took me on as their "protege"
I exceeded their wildest expectations. I didn't mess with
community college, tho, untill poverty became a stone drag
with the teardown of my relationships (evidently I was getting
my ***** together too fast for comfort), Life Three ended, sadly
Life Four clued me even more, and I did do some good works
...didn't complete that Masters' Degree, tho
but I did do some fixing on some seriously damaged children
that life ended as I stonewalled against rising control-freak *****
and assorted passed-along abuse starting to rain-out, on me
I've done the best I can in Life Five. the depression isn't mine
but being immersed in it has had its' side-effects. it will die
will there be Life Six? unknown. likely, if there is oppourtunity
and time, and I can nullify the bad effect of Destiny Rules......
you appear to have the time and wide-open options, without
any of the negative ***** you'd get from just going your own way
um, just do it. you may have nothing to lose by doing just that
I appreciate your response, =^.^=, but I'm having troubles pronouncing your
name. I hope it's not too bothersome, nor my meager attempt at humor.
What you wrote struck some buried memories of mine that aren't all that
old, but can seem that way when I continually embrace what I despise.
You're definitely correct in that I really don't have anything to lose.
The only attachment I truly have is with my obsessive hesitation.
When I had an income, and also a lack of direction, I invested my money in
things that had no real value to me in an effort to summon the same control
that my parents had over me. Rather than striving for independence, I
persisted for their acceptance. Sibling jealousy is the best I can explain
it as. Only just recently have I looked at what I've collected and
questioned its importance. Has it aided me in individuality or is it
merely a distraction from the consequences of my poor choices? And where's
the significance in holding onto all this ***** when it can be a ticket to
enough financial freedom to push me towards the path of trust?
Hmm, I think that's exactly what I need to do. Quit pretending these
things make a difference in my life and rid myself of that which possesses
me more than I probably know. And then I can finally present myself with
an opportunity for accomplishment, thereby rebuilding some self-worth and
eliminating the pathetic hopes of a rescuing. Further, I'd shift the focus
of my days, and especially mornings, towards mental strengthening rather
than believing I'll improve my circumstances if I mope with increasing
persuasion.
Alright, my mind's absolutely stirrin' right now, in a good way, and I feel
I have a healthy idea of what's got to be done next. It'll take a while to
organize everything and sell it off, but regardless of what I choose to do
at this time, I'll always be met with prying eyes. May as well make some
actual progress, even if it does expose more of myself than I've been
comfortable with.
Thank you for what you said. As disastrous as I've often thought I have
it, perhaps just maybe I'm not as sunken as it's felt. And what's this? A
ladder in my back pocket? And a box of PowerBars, too?? Score! (Err,
don't mind me...)
I think I'll stick around here for a while. I'm sure I'll have more to
discuss and ramble about in the near future, and can only hope to offer
help to whomever like you've done with me.
-Ryan
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| User: "=^.^=" |
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| Title: Re: Trying hard to not try too hard |
30 Aug 2004 05:15:24 AM |
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On 29 Aug 2004 11:17:01 GMT, Ryan <upset@myself> wrote:
um, just do it. you may have nothing to lose by doing just that
I appreciate your response, =3D^.^=3D, but I'm having troubles =
pronouncing your=20
name. I hope it's not too bothersome, nor my meager attempt at humor.
I quit going by my name, JayDee. I ain't that one, and Comrade Qat
is just a good way to get the RIAA and Homeland Security in my face
....hard to google, too. spirit animal is the Madagascarian foosh
What you wrote struck some buried memories of mine that aren't all that=20
old, but can seem that way when I continually embrace what I despise. =20
You're definitely correct in that I really don't have anything to lose. =
=20
The only attachment I truly have is with my obsessive hesitation.
hmpf, same here...a phone-call or three would change the world
there would be plenty of ***** flying, but I can duck real-good...
When I had an income, and also a lack of direction, I invested my money =
in=20
things that had no real value to me in an effort to summon the same =
control=20
that my parents had over me. Rather than striving for independence, I=20
persisted for their acceptance. Sibling jealousy is the best I can =
explain=20
it as. Only just recently have I looked at what I've collected and=20
questioned its importance. Has it aided me in individuality or is it=20
merely a distraction from the consequences of my poor choices? And =
where's=20
the significance in holding onto all this ***** when it can be a ticket =
to=20
enough financial freedom to push me towards the path of trust?
I've always had a minimalist approach...all my stuff was
transportable in on tied-onto a 1967 Cougar. then I got a
couple of allies and it became Dodge Step-Van sized...
I still think I can fit the essentials in the back of a long Dodge
van, aka the Trans-Hell Vehicle, and I can curl-up in a small space
a month of that drove Serendipity, a large mackerel cat, to a state
of schizophrenia, but the family shelter allowed no cats inside...
Hmm, I think that's exactly what I need to do. Quit pretending these=20
things make a difference in my life and rid myself of that which =
possesses=20
me more than I probably know. And then I can finally present myself =
with=20
an opportunity for accomplishment, thereby rebuilding some self-worth =
and=20
eliminating the pathetic hopes of a rescuing. Further, I'd shift the =
focus=20
of my days, and especially mornings, towards mental strengthening rather=
=20
than believing I'll improve my circumstances if I mope with increasing=20
persuasion.
ain't nobody gonna rescue me, and there will be no sweet surrender
(tm. Sarah McLachlan) ...and yes, every step in Faith led me from my
home, which was degenerating into a rain of knives, aimed at me...
Alright, my mind's absolutely stirrin' right now, in a good way, and I =
feel=20
I have a healthy idea of what's got to be done next. It'll take a while=
to=20
organize everything and sell it off, but regardless of what I choose to =
do=20
at this time, I'll always be met with prying eyes. May as well make =
some=20
actual progress, even if it does expose more of myself than I've been=20
comfortable with.
oh, I know what you key into Usenet can and will be printed-out and
shook under your nose...a little closer and Kythera would have a
stretched husband, irregardless of his issues, he was a fuckass
and I personally have had ***** I put on a networked BBS (Citadel)
brought-up by someone who had plans to work situations around
where she'd have me in her sack, but it didn't work out that way
I knew she'd pull it up and flop it in someone's face. I haven't
lived with some of the more intelligent multi-level plot running
females, and not assimilating their ways. I hang with civilized
cats these days, who don't have any too-complicated agendas
sometimes you have to come-in outta the darkness, other times
just duck into the bushes when a car is coming. leaving the lights
off makes it harder for the burgulars to find their way-about, too
<intrim period: someone showed-up in the VR house in Shangri-La>
initialization of sleep sequence begun: 1mg. clonazepam ingested
Thank you for what you said. As disastrous as I've often thought I have=
=20
it, perhaps just maybe I'm not as sunken as it's felt. And what's this?=
A=20
ladder in my back pocket? And a box of PowerBars, too?? Score! (Err,=20
don't mind me...)
a handful of Vicoden from the neighbor. his doc writes C-II a lot
....Dilauded matches my personal endorphin profile well, tho
I've gotten nothing but feel-nasty pills from P-docs. they simply
don't believe in the effectiveness of simple cheap benzos, but
will gladly script you for New Age high-priced druggage. beware!
I know I'm a long-way from where I could-be...a few bleached bones
on the side of a distant landslide site...hmmm, no future of living
with the two ladies-of-my-life, but no being dumped like catshit...
and no being buried in the Whatcom County equivalent of Potters'
=46ield, or not surviving an ambulance ride over Spring Mountain...
....the Pahrump Valley had no doctors to script me some Prilosec
I think I'll stick around here for a while. I'm sure I'll have more to=20
discuss and ramble about in the near future, and can only hope to offer=20
help to whomever like you've done with me.
it sounds like the human thing to do. ya-know, cat colonies have
their support-groups, too? they do indeed have traits to assimilate
meyat!
.
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