| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Rosena" |
| Date: |
11 Apr 2005 08:51:03 PM |
| Object: |
twisted plan |
Took two ambien and trying to lay quiet and think in an orderly fashion
about those things I do have control over and what I can do to gain my
own sense of self-respect back.
I need to do something to get me out of this dive into the abyss that
is dramatic in the sense that it shakes and shocks me back to reality
(I know this means gibberish to those who don't know me well). So. I
am going to cardiologist tomorrow because must. Then surgery will be
scheduled. It is very serious surgery, so of course I want loved ones
Alena and John near (in the best world).
John is a sociopath creep who cares not if I die. But I do not feel
this to my bone.
Usually I do. I keep a good perspective and that is when there is no
contact and I am fine.
So, I am not going to email him. But the day before the surgery I
will, and I will give him the phone to the hospital and ask him to call
the week I am there. He won't. I know this. This is the twisted point.
I will lay each day knowing he has phone and that he does not call. It
will hurt me like a knief in the belly. Five days of a knief in the
belly. By turning a figurative weapon on myself in this way, I shock
myself into the ugly reality of the situation and then go, "oh, okay."
And I proceed in life.
I have had to do this before. insist that the knief gets twisted in me
until I FEEL the reality in a way nothing in me can irrationaly deny.
When I do that, health comes just from being rooted in reality, even if
it is distasteful. So that is what I am going to do here.
Not just that. Sleep tonight. Then up and work on my research. then
doctor. then lesson plans. And look forward to weekend where can get a
bunch of work done and maybe sent out. I just can't let any email I
get from anyone tomorrow throw me. I have to have self-control and not
be a ping pong ball. OKay.
Rosena
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: twisted plan |
12 Apr 2005 03:25:12 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote
<snip>
So, I am not going to email him. But the day before the surgery I
will, and I will give him the phone to the hospital and ask him to call
the week I am there. He won't. I know this. This is the twisted point.
what if you didn't do it? what would happen if you simply chose a different
course this time and did nothing as far as john is concerned?
something to think about...
~u2b
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: twisted plan |
12 Apr 2005 05:07:41 PM |
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stupid plan - not going to do it. Just sad. Thanks honey.
Rosena
Used2be wrote:
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote
<snip>
So, I am not going to email him. But the day before the surgery I
will, and I will give him the phone to the hospital and ask him to
call
the week I am there. He won't. I know this. This is the twisted
point.
what if you didn't do it? what would happen if you simply chose a
different
course this time and did nothing as far as john is concerned?
something to think about...
~u2b
.
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: twisted plan |
13 Apr 2005 02:11:11 AM |
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Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
stupid plan - not going to do it. Just sad. Thanks honey.
good! this is the place to expose those twisted plans
to the light of day or the common sense of the NG or whatever,
then one sees that one doesn't want to do it.
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| User: "% . surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: twisted plan |
12 Apr 2005 05:10:29 PM |
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meanie
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1113341378.016403.183850@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
: stupid plan - not going to do it. Just sad. Thanks honey.
:
: Rosena
:
:
: Used2be wrote:
: > "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote
: >
: > <snip>
: >
: > > So, I am not going to email him. But the day before the surgery I
: > > will, and I will give him the phone to the hospital and ask him to
: call
: > > the week I am there. He won't. I know this. This is the twisted
: point.
: >
: >
: > what if you didn't do it? what would happen if you simply chose a
: different
: > course this time and did nothing as far as john is concerned?
: >
: > something to think about...
: >
: > ~u2b
:
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| User: "% . surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: twisted plan |
11 Apr 2005 08:54:28 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1113270663.939494.42010@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
:
: Took two ambien and trying to lay quiet and think in an orderly fashion
: about those things I do have control over and what I can do to gain my
: own sense of self-respect back.
:
: I need to do something to get me out of this dive into the abyss that
: is dramatic in the sense that it shakes and shocks me back to reality
: (I know this means gibberish to those who don't know me well). So. I
: am going to cardiologist tomorrow because must. Then surgery will be
: scheduled. It is very serious surgery, so of course I want loved ones
: Alena and John near (in the best world).
: John is a sociopath creep who cares not if I die. But I do not feel
: this to my bone.
:
: Usually I do. I keep a good perspective and that is when there is no
: contact and I am fine.
:
: So, I am not going to email him. But the day before the surgery I
: will, and I will give him the phone to the hospital and ask him to call
: the week I am there. He won't. I know this. This is the twisted point.
:
: I will lay each day knowing he has phone and that he does not call. It
: will hurt me like a knief in the belly. Five days of a knief in the
: belly. By turning a figurative weapon on myself in this way, I shock
: myself into the ugly reality of the situation and then go, "oh, okay."
: And I proceed in life.
:
: I have had to do this before. insist that the knief gets twisted in me
: until I FEEL the reality in a way nothing in me can irrationaly deny.
: When I do that, health comes just from being rooted in reality, even if
: it is distasteful. So that is what I am going to do here.
:
: Not just that. Sleep tonight. Then up and work on my research. then
: doctor. then lesson plans. And look forward to weekend where can get a
: bunch of work done and maybe sent out. I just can't let any email I
: get from anyone tomorrow throw me. I have to have self-control and not
: be a ping pong ball. OKay.
:
: Rosena
:
you need ... a candle , music and bubbles in the bath water
.
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: twisted plan |
11 Apr 2005 09:11:17 PM |
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You are not kidding Dave -- but curled up in soft bed with daughter
close by is best it will get tonight. I am starting over tomorrow. I
will defeat my demons - I will damn it. Thanks for nice thought.
R :)
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| User: "% . surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: twisted plan |
11 Apr 2005 09:16:51 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1113271877.084169.43650@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
:
: You are not kidding Dave -- but curled up in soft bed with daughter
: close by is best it will get tonight. I am starting over tomorrow. I
: will defeat my demons - I will damn it. Thanks for nice thought.
:
: R :)
well ... maybe the light and bubble another night ,
but you sound much calmer now so whatever you're doing , do more that
:
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: twisted plan |
11 Apr 2005 10:46:11 PM |
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ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!!!!
Rosena, KNOCK IT OFF! You aren't resolving your obsession with this
guy, you are just finding a new excuse to feed it!
Dang, you have better sense than that. (Don't you? Somewhere? Please?)
Sorry if this is offensive, but if I didn't care, I wouldn't post.
I wish I could fix your pain, but I don't know how.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
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| User: "Contrarian" |
|
| Title: Re: twisted plan |
12 Apr 2005 12:28:05 AM |
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Nom dePlume <nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com> wrote:
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!!!!
No, but sliding into an unsafe place. BEWARE of
dangerous PEOPLE and PLACES and THINGS. Including the
phone and e-mail.
Rosena, KNOCK IT OFF! You aren't resolving your obsession with this
guy, you are just finding a new excuse to feed it!
Thing about exploitive relationships is there aren't 12 step
groups, R. needs a sponsorial type relation. So do I, I'm
not in AA, but one of the books I read most is written by
someone with some experience in addiction treatment, see below.
One day at a time and DON'T MAKE THE FIRST CALL.
Need to find SOMEONE else to call, not necessarily a deep
relationship.
I wish I could fix your pain, but I don't know how.
Sitting in my office T described his/her nightmare...
He/she was scared. [married with child/dren] Two years
before he/she had started an affair with S, his/her
psychologist and supervisor. S had twenty years of
experience in the field. T was stunned by S's charisma
intelligence and wit. ... T left his/her spouse of
n years to be involved with S.
S took over T's life, controlling everything from work
to child/ren. When T attempted to break away and moved
into an apartment of his/her own, S broke the door down.
The list of abuses over the two-year period seemed
endless. I asked T what his/her reaction would be if
S broke the door down again. He/she admitted "To tell
the truth, I can't wait to see him/her again."
Patrick Carnes, The Betrayal Bond.
T had made much progress. So he/she was mystified
as to why he/she had these feelings for someone who
had hurt him/her ... so badly. I told her that these
feelings are normal. In the language of addiction we
call them cravings; they do not go away simply because
you understand. Many get to the point of understanding
but get pulled back in because of the emotional reactivity.
The key is to dismantle the reactivity and other trauma
solutions that support traumatic bonding. ...
Ibid. He discusses "relapse prevention plans" and how
reactivity, arousal, blocking, deprivation, shame and
repetition (inter alia) are used in that relationship.
Only then will you have the distance to recognize
that the feelings are not reality. They are like
the Sirens of the ancient Greeks who seduced unwary
sailors...
Ibid.
One of the exercises "Ten Rules to Stay in Reality" but
one has to devise one's own rules. Some of mine are:
Don't talk to those ppl in A.Place, don't go there,
don't read the announcemnt messages (fortunately
I don't get personal e-mail messages.)
Be wary of discussing issues A, B, C. with ppl
who might think certain things about A.Place.
Not even superficially. (I noticed extreme
depletion and depression after this.) Hard to
explain without going into details which I don't
want to discuss.
Go to places where ppl with no connection to
these ppl meet. [Avoid isolation.]
Well that's only three rules.
One isn't a bad person for thinking about contacting the dangerous
person/exploiter. Coping with an "addiction" is not easy.
"Craving" seems far too weak a word, but thinking of it as
being like a super-drug craving seems useful
--
but the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In... HST (1967)
when i got to the edge , i built a deck % (2005)
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