Just have to tell someone about what's going on in my life. I feel so
lonely, and I don't know who to talk to.

Too many things to detail. I'll just glaze over..

Just h

-Beck

Just have to tell someone about what's going on in my life.
I feel so lonely, and I don't know who to talk to.

Too many things to detail. I'll just glaze over..

My girlfriend of nearly 10 months and I just broke up.
Things were going wonderfully between us, until she got
pregnant.. ..while on the pill. It wasn't really something
either of us were happy about, but it really just seemed to
change everything for her.. ..she desperately wanted to
feel/be independant, and lost *all* interest in physical
contact of *any* kind.. ..nevermind sex. She says she
feels that *I* deserve better than her, and has very
effectively pushed me out of her life.. ..she's told me
that I seem to never be satisfied with her, and that it is
I who have essentially broken up with her.. ..though she
desperately wants my friendship and help with the baby in
the future. I've done everything to assure this girl and
to be there for her, as I'm still so in love with her..
..and willing to be a father.. ..but she's just
completely cold and aloof and indifferent. She doesn't
want a relationship any more. I just don't understand. My
heart's in shards over this.. ..this complete reversal.
She's also been very inconsistent, saying extremely
out-there and contradictory things but then taking them
back, regardless of my reaction in either direction, (eg:
"I need you!", "I think we should move in together when the
baby comes"). She's *now* being completely noncommunicative
and mysteriously silent. It's been 2 months since we were
intimate in *any* way, even just conversationally, and not
at any lack of effort on my part. I think that most girls
in her position would be excited to have a bf who's gonna
balls-up to be a father. Anyway, maybe I'd be able to
handle this a little better.. ..if it wasn't confounded by
other things. Things that are also likely affecting this..

My ex.. ..mother of my 2yr old son has just resurfaced.
It's been nearly 9 months since she last lived in the same
timezone as her son, nevermind visited him, or even
attempted much contact (3 phone calls). What happened 9
months ago is that her and her bf attempted to dissapear
with my son in tow, not letting anyone know where they were
headed (effectively kidnapping him). I managed to simply
*luck out* and caught up with them. Immediately took the
matter to court. She missed *3* court hearings regarding
custody of our son, and I ended up, (to my joy and relief),
with sole custody and guardianship of him. Her display of
negligence when dealing with the courts is exemplory of her
way of dealing with life's problems in general.

Anyway. blah-dee-blah. This woman, who was extremely
physically, verbally and psychologically abusive toward me
when we were in a relationship, is now attempting to bully
her way back into her son's life. She demands visitation
with him. Although I do want my son to know his mother, it
is more than a hassle for me to have to arrange the
necessary supervised visits for her.. ..and then I worry
when his behaviour takes such drastic turns after seeing
her. I know this is to be expected.. ..but her visits are
so irregular and brief that I wonder if it could ever *not*
be a dysfunctional experience for my son to go through.
And besides all of that. She's a fucking horrible
psychotic ***** of a person.. ..she's a compulsive liar,
manipulative, and I suspect bordering on schizophrenia, or
some other acute psychoses.. ..and I just wish she would
get her head examined for once and for all. I'm actually
looking into ways to somehow convince the courts
request/demand a psych. analysis of her, before granting
her any legal rights.

I know that I should probably just ignore her and let her
take some legal avenue to getting visitation with her son.
I just know how very angry she is.. ..and I fear that even
if she jumped through all the legal hoops in order to
achieve any amount of unsupervised visitation with him,
that as soon as she had him alone to herself, it would be
within her capabilities to pick up and completely vanish
with him again. She's a flight risk in my mind. This
woman has put me through all kinds of hell, (not worth
going into right now, as I prefer to suppress the memories
as much as possible), and I know she's not about to change
her tune.

Being a single father, when you're alone, and no one loves
you, is the hardest thing to maintain, day to day. I have
no family, accepting my brother - and we're not very close.
My beloved mother died a long mysterious death, ending
when I was 18 (she was a brain-dead, living corpse for
several years), and my father is basically a *****-show not
worth talking about. My friends have all been slowly
growing away from me since I've become a single parent,
(which I completely understand). All I do at night, after
ds goes to sleep, is sit around and mope, do mindless
directionless crap online, and lately, cry myself to sleep,
and wake up feeling that choking feeling in my throat like
I'm on the edge of crying still. I wonder how in the
fucking hell I will ever experience love, companionship,
friendship.. ..when I am stuck. And who the ***** would
want me? A morbidly depressed father of two kids with
different mothers.. ..one's a psychotic, the other still
has feelings but will never actualize them.


I *rarely* get out, and when I do, there's nothing to do
because I'm so out of the loop. I drift from bar to bar
looking for old friends and I feel like a ghost from the
past or a foreigner in a strange country. No one ever
fucking comes over to visit me at night any more, (even my
last gf would only stay over about once a week - because
she didn't want to be involved with ds at all).

On top of all this, I just moved and am experiencing some
major financial problems. Also, have student loans to
start paying back, as I decided to take a break after 4
years of physics/quantum/astro.. ..as it was beginning to
break my mind when mixed with the stresses of a screaming
child. But now I'm screwed..

I feel like there is no recourse for me to find myself, to
build up my life. It is falling down all around me. I'm
completely alone. I'm so frustrated, angry, tired, worn
out, horny, I need a hug. I feel like I deserve so much
more. Rearing a child isn't meant to be done alone.

All I've ever done is give and give.. ..when do I get mine?
I feel like I've been the "nice guy" forever.. ..some part
of me feels about ready to snap and become a huge *****.
Either that or find a nice spot on a bridge and take a
flying lesson..

anyway. Thanks for reading.. ..I think I've gone on long
enough.

____________________________________________________
Gettin' all caught up in a taste test, and it all basically
tastes like crap.



-Beck

Just have to tell someone about what's going on in my life. I feel so
lonely, and I don't know who to talk to.

Too many things to detail. I'll just glaze over..

My girlfriend of nearly 10 months and I just broke up. Things were going
wonderfully between us, until she got pregnant.. ..while on the pill. It
wasn't really something either of us were happy about, but it really just
seemed to change everything for her.. ..she desperately wanted to feel/be
independant, and lost *all* interest in physical contact of *any* kind..
..nevermind sex. She says she feels that *I* deserve better than her, and
has very effectively pushed me out of her life.. ..she's told me that I seem
to never be satisfied with her, and that it is I who have essentially broken
up with her.. ..though she desperately wants my friendship and help with
the baby in the future. I've done everything to assure this girl and to be
there for her, as I'm still so in love with her.. ..and willing to be a
father.. ..but she's just completely cold and aloof and indifferent. She
doesn't want a relationship any more. I just don't understand. My heart's
in shards over this.. ..this complete reversal. She's also been very
inconsistent, saying extremely out-there and contradictory things but then
taking them back, regardless of my reaction in either direction, (eg: "I
need you!", "I think we should move in together when the baby comes").
She's *now* being completely noncommunicative and mysteriously silent. It's
been 2 months since we were intimate in *any* way, even just
conversationally, and not at any lack of effort on my part. I think that
most girls in her position would be excited to have a bf who's gonna
balls-up to be a father. Anyway, maybe I'd be able to handle this a little
better.. ..if it wasn't confounded by other things. Things that are also
likely affecting this..

My ex.. ..mother of my 2yr old son has just resurfaced. It's been nearly 9
months since she last lived in the same timezone as her son, nevermind
visited him, or even attempted much contact (3 phone calls). What happened
9 months ago is that her and her bf attempted to dissapear with my son in
tow, not letting anyone know where they were headed (effectively kidnapping
him). I managed to simply *luck out* and caught up with them. Immediately
took the matter to court. She missed *3* court hearings regarding custody
of our son, and I ended up, (to my joy and relief), with sole custody and
guardianship of him. Her display of negligence when dealing with the courts
is exemplory of her way of dealing with life's problems in general.

Anyway. blah-dee-blah. This woman, who was extremely physically, verbally
and psychologically abusive toward me when we were in a relationship, is now
attempting to bully her way back into her son's life. She demands
visitation with him. Although I do want my son to know his mother, it is
more than a hassle for me to have to arrange the necessary supervised visits
for her.. ..and then I worry when his behaviour takes such drastic turns
after seeing her. I know this is to be expected.. ..but her visits are so
irregular and brief that I wonder if it could ever *not* be a dysfunctional
experience for my son to go through. And besides all of that. She's a
fucking horrible psychotic ***** of a person.. ..she's a compulsive liar,
manipulative, and I suspect bordering on schizophrenia, or some other acute
psychoses.. ..and I just wish she would get her head examined for once and
for all. I'm actually looking into ways to somehow convince the courts
request/demand a psych. analysis of her, before granting her any legal
rights.