| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"BGumm" |
| Date: |
26 Jun 2004 12:23:24 AM |
| Object: |
Very down, scared. |
Ok you all are going to listen to this mess until I find out what is what on
the 7th. I am just very scared right now. Scared yet some how feeling that I
need to just let it go and live or not live with that happens between now and
whatever occurs.
I am sad too. I am afraid not mainly of dying but of leaving my kids behind.
My son has been here two nights in a row and I just want to keep hugging him.
I am hugging my daughter and my stepson also when I get the opportunity.
I don't want to go and not see how it all works out for them.
My husband is doing the best he can. He is trying to keep me from winging out
when I get angry about something. I am not sure if that will help or hinder me
when I get angry---just to hold it back or let it rip....
I am trying to think of doing some things that I really want to do and there
really isn't anything. I do want to go to Gettsyburg this weekend. I love it
down there. Not sure if I don't go I might not get to go.
I know I am being silly I guess. There are people that live with this everyday
but I keep realizing what a time bomb it is. I also realize too that other
folks have things that could even be far worse. I don't have cancer for gosh
sakes. I have a balloon that needs to be treated before something does happen.
Hopefully the percentages of that are very low in my case and they will simply
remove it.
I am afraid of my heart in general. I am sure they will do a full work up now
to make sure all of my heart is functioning. The really funky part is I had
blood work done for my diabetes not to long ago and it stated that I was under
the line for heart disease and I do not have high blood pressure. I guess that
doesn't always stop a big ole bubble from forming. It could also be genetic.
I have NO clue about my background. My birthmother won't talk to me.
<sigh>
I am sad. I am scared. I am *****. I am tired. I just don't understand
why my life has had to be so damned shitty. Oh I know wah wah.....but things
just don't ever go well in my life. ALTHOUGH I guess I should look at this as
a blessing for being found instead of a bad thing. I am just looking at the
bad thing----that it is there at all.
Ugh.
I need to buck up and just go with the flow until something happens.
Life is sure grand isn't it?
Becky
"I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild;
when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and
moody. And in all its moods, I see myself."
-Martin Buxbaum
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| User: "alvintchase" |
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| Title: Re: Very down, scared. |
26 Jun 2004 03:51:06 PM |
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(BGumm) wrote in message news:<20040626012324.16825.00000344@mb-m20.aol.com>...
Ok you all are going to listen to this mess until I find out what is what on
the 7th. I am just very scared right now. Scared yet some how feeling that I
need to just let it go and live or not live with that happens between now and
whatever occurs.
I am sad too. I am afraid not mainly of dying but of leaving my kids behind.
My son has been here two nights in a row and I just want to keep hugging him.
I am hugging my daughter and my stepson also when I get the opportunity.
I don't want to go and not see how it all works out for them.
My husband is doing the best he can. He is trying to keep me from winging out
when I get angry about something. I am not sure if that will help or hinder me
when I get angry---just to hold it back or let it rip....
I am trying to think of doing some things that I really want to do and there
really isn't anything. I do want to go to Gettsyburg this weekend. I love it
down there. Not sure if I don't go I might not get to go.
I know I am being silly I guess. There are people that live with this everyday
but I keep realizing what a time bomb it is. I also realize too that other
folks have things that could even be far worse. I don't have cancer for gosh
sakes. I have a balloon that needs to be treated before something does happen.
Hopefully the percentages of that are very low in my case and they will simply
remove it.
I am afraid of my heart in general. I am sure they will do a full work up now
to make sure all of my heart is functioning. The really funky part is I had
blood work done for my diabetes not to long ago and it stated that I was under
the line for heart disease and I do not have high blood pressure. I guess that
doesn't always stop a big ole bubble from forming. It could also be genetic.
I have NO clue about my background. My birthmother won't talk to me.
<sigh>
I am sad. I am scared. I am *****. I am tired. I just don't understand
why my life has had to be so damned shitty. Oh I know wah wah.....but things
just don't ever go well in my life. ALTHOUGH I guess I should look at this as
a blessing for being found instead of a bad thing. I am just looking at the
bad thing----that it is there at all.
Ugh.
I need to buck up and just go with the flow until something happens.
Life is sure grand isn't it?
Becky
"I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild;
when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and
moody. And in all its moods, I see myself."
-Martin Buxbaum
I'm sorry you have to go through this Becky...You are definatly
amongst friends here...I hope that talking about things here helps,if
only just a little bit...
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: Very down, scared. |
26 Jun 2004 10:33:26 AM |
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BGumm wrote:
Becky, just want to let you know that I'm reading all of your posts about this and
am holding you closely in my thoughts and prayers. July 7th is a long time to wait
.... but you're not waiting alone. A lot of people care about you.
Gayle
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| User: "crysalis" |
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| Title: Re: Very down, scared. |
26 Jun 2004 09:17:05 AM |
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Becky,
I think posting as much as you can is a good idea. Also, it helps us
know how it's going with you.
It's a raw deal, for sure. I'd be scared too.
Is it possible that you can let this show you all the beautiful things
that have developed in your life? You love your children, your
husband. You have offered great support to many here, me included.
Wish I could offer more now. I am still praying for you.
Bobbie
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| User: "wombn" |
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| Title: Re: Very down, scared. |
26 Jun 2004 02:01:21 AM |
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On 26 Jun 2004 05:23:24 GMT, (BGumm) wrote:
Ok you all are going to listen to this mess until I find out what is what on
well, you listened to me 4 years ago during my diabetes trials and
rages, right? so no problem.
the 7th. I am just very scared right now. Scared yet some how feeling that I
need to just let it go and live or not live with that happens between now and
whatever occurs.
I am sad too. I am afraid not mainly of dying but of leaving my kids behind.
My son has been here two nights in a row and I just want to keep hugging him.
I am hugging my daughter and my stepson also when I get the opportunity.
I don't want to go and not see how it all works out for them.
! yes! I can see how that would be!
My husband is doing the best he can. He is trying to keep me from winging out
when I get angry about something. I am not sure if that will help or hinder me
when I get angry---just to hold it back or let it rip....
There's probably a delicate balance somewhere.
I am trying to think of doing some things that I really want to do and there
really isn't anything. I do want to go to Gettsyburg this weekend. I love it
down there. Not sure if I don't go I might not get to go.
I know I am being silly I guess. There are people that live with this everyday
No, it's not silly. Not at all. You're looking at your mortality
right in the face. Nothing at all is silly about it. We all die.
Every one of us.
It used to be that no one ever knew when (or not usually). In our day
and age, we can see it coming more clearly, I think. And yet, because
we live so much longer and we don't see death around us very much at
all, it's far more shocking.
The diabetes diagnosis shocked me out of my complacency. It's nowhere
near as dangerous as an aortic aneurysm or an aggressive cancer, but I
didn't know that at the time. My inner world changed dramatically.
but I keep realizing what a time bomb it is. I also realize too that other
folks have things that could even be far worse. I don't have cancer for gosh
sakes. I have a balloon that needs to be treated before something does happen.
Hopefully the percentages of that are very low in my case and they will simply
remove it.
I am afraid of my heart in general.
Your body is betraying you. Just like my body betrayed me. It's a
tough adjustment. And you're *allowed* to grieve and be angry and
scared.
I am sure they will do a full work up now
to make sure all of my heart is functioning. The really funky part is I had
blood work done for my diabetes not to long ago and it stated that I was under
the line for heart disease and I do not have high blood pressure. I guess that
doesn't always stop a big ole bubble from forming. It could also be genetic.
I have NO clue about my background. My birthmother won't talk to me.
:-(
Although, really, how much help would it be? We never know which
genes we're going to inherit. It's a crap shoot. My body is shaped
like my maternal grandmother, but really, I've inherited my heart from
my dad. And my teeth from my mom (thank goodness I didn't get dad's
teeth, at least).
Mom apologized to me recently for not giving me her good genes.
WHAT?!? She's feeling guilty cuz she didn't have more dominant genes.
silly girl.
So really, there's probably not a lot of input she could give now. If
it ran in the family, she'd only have been able to warn you sooner.
But it wouldn't lessen the emotional impact all that much, IMO.
<sigh>
I am sad. I am scared. I am *****. I am tired. I just don't understand
why my life has had to be so damned shitty. Oh I know wah wah.....but things
I hear ya.
just don't ever go well in my life.
oh no. that's not true. You have your children who you love totally.
Even when they ***** you off or mess up their lives, you still love
them.
ALTHOUGH I guess I should look at this as
a blessing for being found instead of a bad thing. I am just looking at the
bad thing----that it is there at all.
You're allowed.
Ugh.
I need to buck up and just go with the flow until something happens.
Life is sure grand isn't it?
halleluah amen, she said cynically.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If laughter is the best medicine,
then kittens should be covered by our health insurance. :-)
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| User: "elegy" |
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| Title: Re: Very down, scared. |
26 Jun 2004 12:59:11 AM |
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On 26 Jun 2004 05:23:24 GMT, (BGumm) wrote:
Ok you all are going to listen to this mess until I find out what is what on
the 7th. I am just very scared right now. Scared yet some how feeling that I
need to just let it go and live or not live with that happens between now and
whatever occurs.
<snip>
i wish there were something i could do or say to help but i wanted to
let you know that i'm reading and thinking about you, hoping that
everything ends up ok, a little bit scared. i'm glad you're here and
you're posting.
---
blogging for pit bull rescue
project-blog july 24, 2004.
http://shattering.org
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| User: "neoholistic" |
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| Title: Re: Very down, scared. |
26 Jun 2004 01:12:22 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
BGumm wrote:
I am sad. I am scared. I am *****. I am tired. I just don't understand
why my life has had to be so damned shitty. Oh I know wah wah.....but things
just don't ever go well in my life. ALTHOUGH I guess I should look at this as
a blessing for being found instead of a bad thing.
I think so, absolutely.
I am just looking at the
bad thing----that it is there at all.
Ugh.
I need to buck up and just go with the flow until something happens.
Life is sure grand isn't it?
Be sad, scared, ***** and angry. You've every right to be. It
certainly isn't fair.
--
Please keep the 'x-no-archive: yes' header.
To reach me by email: transform my account name like IBM -> HAL.
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