| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"madrigal" |
| Date: |
20 Jul 2007 05:16:50 PM |
| Object: |
Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
I think I've stopped believing that there's any good left in me at
all. I'm hedging a little, just in case there's something good left
way down at the bottom that I haven't managed to screw up yet.
There are so many little stressful things, or maybe not so little, I
don't know. Everything feels out of proportion. I haven't slept well
in three nights, even with Ambien. Three nights ago was when I found
out I didn't get into a select group I'd auditioned for. Now my
musical ability is lost to me, too. For a long time, it was all I had
that I could count on. Now even that is gone. To make things even more
difficult, my younger son, who lives with me, _did_ get into the
group. I'm trying to be happy for him when the voices in my head keep
shouting at me what a horrible untalented loser I am.
Tuesday was also the day I had synvisc injected into my left knee, the
first of three shots. This is something to ease the bone-on-bone
arthritis pain that's always with me these days.Constant low-level
pain is unbelievable stressful, kind of like dripping water that you
can't quite tune out. Today I had physical therapy on my knee, which
I've been having twice a week for two months now. The therapist worked
my knee so hard that I ended up crying. I very rarely cry in public; I
very rarely give in to the pain. That's how bad things are.
It's clear to me that the medication adjustment I made last month
hasn't done a thing. I see the pill lady again on Tuesday, and I hope
I can make myself clear to her that something has to be done. That's
one reason I'm writing here now. Yesterday I was driving on the road
through the salt marsh; I saw the current swirling through the river
where everybody fishes, and I imagined myself in the middle of it,
sinking down, everything green and hollow... I don't even think I
wanted to end it all. I just want to go somewhere else, someplace
where maybe I might find a reason to go on.
--
Ginny
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
20 Jul 2007 06:53:48 PM |
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"madrigal" <madrigal17SPAMBLOCK@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:g2d2a3hg949fjrae5r6kgc3qjv1o8lrmdl@4ax.com...
I think I've stopped believing that there's any good left in me at
all. I'm hedging a little, just in case there's something good left
way down at the bottom that I haven't managed to screw up yet.
i'm so sorry for your pain, ginny. both the physical and the mental.
please keep holding on...whatever it takes...do it so that you don't let go.
(((((ginny)))))
~cindy
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| User: "madrigal" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 09:33:23 AM |
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On Fri, 20 Jul 2007 18:53:48 -0500, "used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
i'm so sorry for your pain, ginny. both the physical and the mental.
please keep holding on...whatever it takes...do it so that you don't let go.
(((((ginny)))))
Thanks, Cindy. I slept fairly well last night and I feel better today.
Actually, just writing this yesterday helped a lot.
--
Ginny
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| User: "David" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
20 Jul 2007 05:45:54 PM |
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I wouldn't think that there is no hope, though I think you do need more
antidepressant. I am taking two now and it really helps, one is Trazedone
and helps me sleep and the other is Lexapro. They are both at higher dosages
then normal. I do think your voices love you, paticularly if they think you
are talented. Maybe this will help.
"madrigal" <madrigal17SPAMBLOCK@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:g2d2a3hg949fjrae5r6kgc3qjv1o8lrmdl@4ax.com...
I think I've stopped believing that there's any good left in me at
all. I'm hedging a little, just in case there's something good left
way down at the bottom that I haven't managed to screw up yet.
There are so many little stressful things, or maybe not so little, I
don't know. Everything feels out of proportion. I haven't slept well
in three nights, even with Ambien. Three nights ago was when I found
out I didn't get into a select group I'd auditioned for. Now my
musical ability is lost to me, too. For a long time, it was all I had
that I could count on. Now even that is gone. To make things even more
difficult, my younger son, who lives with me, _did_ get into the
group. I'm trying to be happy for him when the voices in my head keep
shouting at me what a horrible untalented loser I am.
Tuesday was also the day I had synvisc injected into my left knee, the
first of three shots. This is something to ease the bone-on-bone
arthritis pain that's always with me these days.Constant low-level
pain is unbelievable stressful, kind of like dripping water that you
can't quite tune out. Today I had physical therapy on my knee, which
I've been having twice a week for two months now. The therapist worked
my knee so hard that I ended up crying. I very rarely cry in public; I
very rarely give in to the pain. That's how bad things are.
It's clear to me that the medication adjustment I made last month
hasn't done a thing. I see the pill lady again on Tuesday, and I hope
I can make myself clear to her that something has to be done. That's
one reason I'm writing here now. Yesterday I was driving on the road
through the salt marsh; I saw the current swirling through the river
where everybody fishes, and I imagined myself in the middle of it,
sinking down, everything green and hollow... I don't even think I
wanted to end it all. I just want to go somewhere else, someplace
where maybe I might find a reason to go on.
--
Ginny
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| User: "madrigal" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 09:32:43 AM |
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On Fri, 20 Jul 2007 17:45:54 -0500, "David" <dav2dd@gmail.com> wrote:
I wouldn't think that there is no hope, though I think you do need more
antidepressant. I am taking two now and it really helps, one is Trazedone
and helps me sleep and the other is Lexapro. They are both at higher dosages
then normal. I do think your voices love you, paticularly if they think you
are talented. Maybe this will help.
I think both of those medications are under consideration. It's been
awhile since I discussed it with my pill lady, and the only thing I
remember was Cymbalta. I took trazodone once years ago and I don't
remember that it helped. Maybe at a higher dose...
--
Ginny
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
20 Jul 2007 07:55:44 PM |
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On Fri, 20 Jul 2007 18:16:50 -0400, madrigal
<madrigal17SPAMBLOCK@yahoo.com> wrote:
I think I've stopped believing that there's any good left in me at
all. I'm hedging a little, just in case there's something good left
way down at the bottom that I haven't managed to screw up yet.
There are so many little stressful things, or maybe not so little, I
don't know. Everything feels out of proportion. I haven't slept well
in three nights, even with Ambien. Three nights ago was when I found
out I didn't get into a select group I'd auditioned for. Now my
musical ability is lost to me, too. For a long time, it was all I had
that I could count on. Now even that is gone. To make things even more
difficult, my younger son, who lives with me, _did_ get into the
group. I'm trying to be happy for him when the voices in my head keep
shouting at me what a horrible untalented loser I am.
Ginny, I don't think that you're going to find this very helpful
advice, but for whatever it's worth, just on the music front, you know
as well as I do that "very select" means that there are a lot of good
people who don't get in, this time anyway. And you also know as well
as I do that women tend to greatly outnumber men in all musical
things, and you can be an ok male singer, and every choir will fall
all over you, and you can be an absolutely brilliant soprano or alto,
and be passed over. So you can take this to heart and use it as a
hammer to beat yourself up, or you can shrug and say, maybe next time.
Not getting into this one thing is NOT the same thing as "I have no
musical talent."
I'm sorry about your knee; it's hard to deal well with chronic pain.
And, yes, you need to go back to the pill lady and do something
different. But take it from someone who is an absolute genius at
beating herself up... at some point you have to make a choice to walk
away from it, to simply stop repeating the tracks. And, no, that's
not simple, and I know that's not in any way an easy thing for you to
even try to do. But you have to start somewhere.
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| User: "madrigal" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 09:35:18 AM |
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On Fri, 20 Jul 2007 20:55:44 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
Ginny, I don't think that you're going to find this very helpful
advice, but for whatever it's worth, just on the music front, you know
as well as I do that "very select" means that there are a lot of good
people who don't get in, this time anyway. And you also know as well
as I do that women tend to greatly outnumber men in all musical
things, and you can be an ok male singer, and every choir will fall
all over you, and you can be an absolutely brilliant soprano or alto,
and be passed over. So you can take this to heart and use it as a
hammer to beat yourself up, or you can shrug and say, maybe next time.
Not getting into this one thing is NOT the same thing as "I have no
musical talent."
It is after three sleepless nights... I knew my feelings were out of
proportion. Just writing them down helped me to sort them out, though.
I'm sorry about your knee; it's hard to deal well with chronic pain.
And, yes, you need to go back to the pill lady and do something
different. But take it from someone who is an absolute genius at
beating herself up... at some point you have to make a choice to walk
away from it, to simply stop repeating the tracks. And, no, that's
not simple, and I know that's not in any way an easy thing for you to
even try to do. But you have to start somewhere.
And I have. So far this year I've started physical therapy for the
knee and mental therapy for the depression. I'm adjusting my
medications and working as hard as I can in every way. I just have
weak moments, and writing about them to an audience of people who also
have weak moments helps.
--
Ginny
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 09:46:35 AM |
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"madrigal" <madrigal17SPAMBLOCK@yahoo.com> wrote
And I have. So far this year I've started physical therapy for the
knee and mental therapy for the depression. I'm adjusting my
medications and working as hard as I can in every way. I just have
weak moments, and writing about them to an audience of people who also
have weak moments helps.
you aren't weak, ginny. you are very very strong indeed!!!
proud to know you...
~cindy
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| User: "madrigal" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 01:17:11 PM |
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On Sat, 21 Jul 2007 09:46:35 -0500, "used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com>
wrote:
"madrigal" <madrigal17SPAMBLOCK@yahoo.com> wrote
And I have. So far this year I've started physical therapy for the
knee and mental therapy for the depression. I'm adjusting my
medications and working as hard as I can in every way. I just have
weak moments, and writing about them to an audience of people who also
have weak moments helps.
you aren't weak, ginny. you are very very strong indeed!!!
proud to know you...
~cindy
Thanks - now I'm blushing!
--
Ginny
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
20 Jul 2007 09:01:52 PM |
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On Fri, 20 Jul 2007 20:55:44 -0400, Nina <ninaNOSPAM@economika.net>
wrote:
Ginny, I don't think that you're going to find this very helpful
advice, but for whatever it's worth, just on the music front, you know
as well as I do that "very select" means that there are a lot of good
people who don't get in, this time anyway. And you also know as well
as I do that women tend to greatly outnumber men in all musical
things, and you can be an ok male singer, and every choir will fall
all over you, and you can be an absolutely brilliant soprano or alto,
and be passed over. So you can take this to heart and use it as a
hammer to beat yourself up, or you can shrug and say, maybe next time.
Not getting into this one thing is NOT the same thing as "I have no
musical talent."
This is such a good point, Nina, it really is.
And Ginny, I'm sorry this happened. Something very important didn't
turn out the way you wanted. Other people would be sad and
disappointed for awhile, but for people like you and me and many
others here, it can crack that door open just a little so that
depression can get in. We just have to fight it, you know? I have
confidence that you can get through this. Take care of yourself.
Jeanne
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| User: "madrigal" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 09:30:16 AM |
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On Fri, 20 Jul 2007 21:01:52 -0500, wrote:
And Ginny, I'm sorry this happened. Something very important didn't
turn out the way you wanted. Other people would be sad and
disappointed for awhile, but for people like you and me and many
others here, it can crack that door open just a little so that
depression can get in. We just have to fight it, you know? I have
confidence that you can get through this. Take care of yourself.
Jeanne
Problem is, the door was already cracked open. I've been dealing with
a recurrence of depressive symptoms for several months already. It was
a mistake to think I was ready to open myself up to the possibility of
rejection. I went into this knowing the odds were against me, and I
thought I could get through it. It hit me harder than I thought it
would, and after three sleepless nights, I was despairing.
But I slept well last night. I felt a lot better after I posted this
here, oddly enough, and by the time I picked up my son at work, I was
able to act normal.
--
Ginny
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 10:12:45 PM |
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On Sat, 21 Jul 2007 10:30:16 -0400, madrigal
<madrigal17SPAMBLOCK@yahoo.com> wrote:
On Fri, 20 Jul 2007 21:01:52 -0500, wrote:
Problem is, the door was already cracked open. I've been dealing with
a recurrence of depressive symptoms for several months already. It was
a mistake to think I was ready to open myself up to the possibility of
rejection. I went into this knowing the odds were against me, and I
thought I could get through it. It hit me harder than I thought it
would, and after three sleepless nights, I was despairing.
But I slept well last night. I felt a lot better after I posted this
here, oddly enough, and by the time I picked up my son at work, I was
able to act normal.
A good night's sleep can work wonders. Sleep has not been my friend
lately. If I can get three hours in without being jolted awake by that
heavy, awful feeling, I consider myself lucky. So I guess the door is
open again for both of us. Hang in there, Ginny, and I will too.
Jeanne
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 10:37:57 AM |
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On Jul 20, 5:16 pm, madrigal <madrigal17SPAMBL...@yahoo.com> wrote:
I think I've stopped believing that there's any good left in me at
all. I'm hedging a little, just in case there's something good left
way down at the bottom that I haven't managed to screw up yet.
From the outside looking in, it's so easy to know when depression is
talking. You have knee pain and you are treating it, so you're doing
the best you can with a difficult situation. You auditioned for a very
selective group and didn't get in; as others have pointed out, there
is a lot of competition for such groups. But when it's happening to
me, I know all too well that these aches and pains and disappointments
feel like a punishment that I deserve.
Just wanted to let you know I read this, and my thoughts are with you.
Hang in there, Ginny. Lots of people care about you and want you to be
well.
judith
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| User: "madrigal" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 02:18:48 PM |
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On Sat, 21 Jul 2007 08:37:57 -0700, wrote:
From the outside looking in, it's so easy to know when depression is
talking. You have knee pain and you are treating it, so you're doing
the best you can with a difficult situation. You auditioned for a very
selective group and didn't get in; as others have pointed out, there
is a lot of competition for such groups. But when it's happening to
me, I know all too well that these aches and pains and disappointments
feel like a punishment that I deserve.
Just wanted to let you know I read this, and my thoughts are with you.
Hang in there, Ginny. Lots of people care about you and want you to be
well.
judith
Thanks. I'm trying.
--
Ginny
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
20 Jul 2007 05:45:51 PM |
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madrigal wrote...
I think I've stopped believing that there's any good left
in me at all. I'm hedging a little, just in case there's
something good left way down at the bottom that I haven't
managed to screw up yet.
There are so many little stressful things, or maybe not so
little, I don't know. Everything feels out of proportion. I
haven't slept well in three nights, even with Ambien. Three
nights ago was when I found out I didn't get into a select
group I'd auditioned for. Now my musical ability is lost to
me, too. For a long time, it was all I had that I could
count on. Now even that is gone. To make things even more
difficult, my younger son, who lives with me, _did_ get
into the group. I'm trying to be happy for him when the
voices in my head keep shouting at me what a horrible
untalented loser I am.
Tuesday was also the day I had synvisc injected into my
left knee, the first of three shots. This is something to
ease the bone-on-bone arthritis pain that's always with me
these days.Constant low-level pain is unbelievable
stressful, kind of like dripping water that you can't quite
tune out. Today I had physical therapy on my knee, which
I've been having twice a week for two months now. The
therapist worked my knee so hard that I ended up crying. I
very rarely cry in public; I very rarely give in to the
pain. That's how bad things are.
It's clear to me that the medication adjustment I made last
month hasn't done a thing. I see the pill lady again on
Tuesday, and I hope I can make myself clear to her that
something has to be done. That's one reason I'm writing
here now. Yesterday I was driving on the road through the
salt marsh; I saw the current swirling through the river
where everybody fishes, and I imagined myself in the middle
of it, sinking down, everything green and hollow... I don't
even think I wanted to end it all. I just want to go
somewhere else, someplace where maybe I might find a reason
to go on. --
Ginny
I wish I could say something that would really help, but all
I've got is to try to keep going, the depression will
eventually get better, if not perfect. It won't always be so
hard.
I hope your appointment tomorrow helps to bring some relief.
I understand about wanting to do something, anything. You're
in my thoughts.
-lisa
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| User: "madrigal" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 09:31:37 AM |
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On 20 Jul 2007 22:45:51 GMT, "lisa in mass." <mccats@rcn.com> wrote:
Ginny
I wish I could say something that would really help, but all
I've got is to try to keep going, the depression will
eventually get better, if not perfect. It won't always be so
hard.
Three sleepless nights would make even a strong person weak. I'm
better this morning, fortunately.
I hope your appointment tomorrow helps to bring some relief.
I have to wait until Tuesday, but I hope so, too.
I understand about wanting to do something, anything. You're
in my thoughts.
Thanks, Lisa.
--
Ginny
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 09:27:41 AM |
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madrigal wrote:
I think I've stopped believing that there's any good left in me at
all. I'm hedging a little, just in case there's something good left
way down at the bottom that I haven't managed to screw up yet.
Keep hedging, Ginny, it'll get you through. How are you
feeling today?
Gayle
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| User: "madrigal" |
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| Title: Re: Very low, very bad (spoilered for suicidal thoughts) |
21 Jul 2007 01:13:07 PM |
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On Sat, 21 Jul 2007 10:27:41 -0400, Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote:
madrigal wrote:
I think I've stopped believing that there's any good left in me at
all. I'm hedging a little, just in case there's something good left
way down at the bottom that I haven't managed to screw up yet.
Keep hedging, Ginny, it'll get you through. How are you
feeling today?
Actually, I slept pretty well last night. Writing here seemed to help.
I would be feeling a lot better today, but my copy of Harry Potter and
the Deathly Hallows still hasn't arrived and I'm getting edgy.
--
Ginny
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