... and it didn't go very well. I didn't even make it
through half the shift before I asked to leave, citing
'stomach problems'. I feel like such a loser. It's been
weeks since I last worked a full shift. Granted, I've been
away for 7 days, but even still.

I felt it right from when I got up. My entire body was
tense, and fatigued. It's all I could think about... being
on those phones, talking to those people. I knew it was
coming... and the thought of it terrified me. So much so
that I nearly threw up for the first time in 10 years.
(Yes, I know... the Seinfeld joke... I actually did it. I
haven't puked since July 16, 1994... not that I tried to
not puke, I just never did.)

I've come to realize that maybe I'm suffering from
something deeper-rooted than just not liking my job, but
there isn't much point in continuing a job that gives me
such grief and anxiety. So the new job search is on.
Problem obviously includes probably not being in the frame
of mind to start job hunting from scratch, especially not
knowing what I wuold actually *enjoy* doing that still pays
competatively to what I'm making now. I have done a lot of
thinking about the writing discussion we've engaged in on
this ng recently. But I'm not so sure that I can hang in
doing this job for much longer than a few weeks, and
considering how tonight went... that's being optimistic.

I guess in a way I feel as though I'm destined for
something bigger than merely answering telephones all day.
I admit, part of my dislike for my job is the terrible
repetativeness of it and the lack of movement, but there is
also a very real anxiety of other people involved. I
actually took a few calls tonight and thought I could do
it. Then someone else sat next to me in the call centre and
that'w where it ended. So it's not just the customers, in
fact, it may be more of a fear of the people I work with
more than anything. I feel like I'm in high-school again,
lost in the background as someone unimportant and
overlooked. That makes sense I guess since when I worked at
the movie theatre before, I dealt with all kinds of upset
customers (bitching mostly about the cost) and yet didn't
feel any of the social anxiety I feel now. I guess that was
because the people I worked with were a VERY tight-knit
group and there weren't any more than 15 of us working the
same shift in a night, usually around Christmas time. It
usually was no more than 5 people any other time of the
year. We were all friends. Now, I could barely tell you
half of the names of the people on my 'team'. And for as
many as I could name of them, fewer than half of those
would even know who *I* was, much less that I was on their
team!

Anyways, I've gone on long enough. Thanks for listening.

- Shawn.