| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"AlvinTChase" |
| Date: |
27 Jan 2005 09:43:31 AM |
| Object: |
when your'e feelings are hurt |
Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
whether it's better to try to let it go...
-"Alvintchase"
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| User: "Roland Koch" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 12:29:09 PM |
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"AlvinTChase" <relayer211@hotmail.com> wrote
Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
whether it's better to try to let it go...
Have YOU never hurt someone else's feelings?
If you're human like the rest of us, you probably have!
And realising this will help to take some
of the edge off your own pain, no?
GBY
Roland
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| User: "Luna" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 12:59:24 PM |
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"Roland Koch" <rolandq@xlab.co.za> wrote in message
news:cte02j$92d$1@ctb-nnrp2.saix.net...
"AlvinTChase" <relayer211@hotmail.com> wrote
Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
whether it's better to try to let it go...
Have YOU never hurt someone else's feelings?
If you're human like the rest of us, you probably have!
And realising this will help to take some
of the edge off your own pain, no?
Why?
Jean
GBY
Roland
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| User: "Roland Koch" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 01:13:54 PM |
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"Luna" <jean_collins@hotmail.com> wrote
Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
whether it's better to try to let it go...
Have YOU never hurt someone else's feelings?
If you're human like the rest of us, you probably have!
And realising this will help to take some
of the edge off your own pain, no?
Why?
Scenario:
=======
"Thinks to myself:
'He hurt my feelings today and I feel bad.
But I remember when I did the same thing
to Mom last year, and she was hurt.
So maybe since I've hurt others,
I should realise that others can hurt me too.
And I have no right to criticise them for it,
being guilty myself.
What I'll do is to forgive that person who hurt me
and try harder not to say hurtful things to others.' "
--I hope that explains it.
GBY
Roland
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| User: "Luna" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 02:23:40 PM |
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"Roland Koch" <rolandq@xlab.co.za> wrote in message
news:cte2mg$dbu$1@ctb-nnrp2.saix.net...
"Luna" <jean_collins@hotmail.com> wrote
<snip>
And I have no right to criticise them for it,
being guilty myself.
You do bad you feel bad (guilt) and that motivates you to avoid doing bad. For
most people I think it's more painful to hurt someone they care about than it is
to be hurt - but if you get to criticize yourself then you get to criticize
someone else, too. It's your feelings being trampled, after all - they're worth
defending.
What I'll do is to forgive that person who hurt me
and try harder not to say hurtful things to others.' "
How about you don't necessarily have to forgive anyone for anything, it's a
choice you make on a case by case basis. After all, there are some things that
are simply unforgivable.
--I hope that explains it.
Thanks.
Jean
GBY
Roland
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 02:43:50 PM |
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"Luna" <jean_collins@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:35vlaaF4q7ft9U1@individual.net...
:
: "Roland Koch" <rolandq@xlab.co.za> wrote in message
: news:cte2mg$dbu$1@ctb-nnrp2.saix.net...
: > "Luna" <jean_collins@hotmail.com> wrote
: <snip>
:
: >
: > And I have no right to criticise them for it,
: > being guilty myself.
:
: You do bad you feel bad (guilt) and that motivates you to avoid doing bad. For
: most people I think it's more painful to hurt someone they care about than it is
: to be hurt - but if you get to criticize yourself then you get to criticize
: someone else, too. It's your feelings being trampled, after all - they're worth
: defending.
: >
: > What I'll do is to forgive that person who hurt me
: > and try harder not to say hurtful things to others.' "
:
: How about you don't necessarily have to forgive anyone for anything, it's a
: choice you make on a case by case basis. After all, there are some things that
: are simply unforgivable.
: >
: > --I hope that explains it.
:
: Thanks.
:
: Jean
: >
: > GBY
: > Roland
: >
: >
: like the time i said i had one on but didn't ?
:
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| User: "Roland Koch" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 02:52:31 PM |
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Ahoy Luna,
"Luna" <jean_collins@hotmail.com> wrote
And I have no right to criticise them for it,
being guilty myself.
You do bad you feel bad (guilt) and that motivates you to avoid doing bad.
For
most people I think it's more painful to hurt someone they care about than
it is
to be hurt - but if you get to criticize yourself then you get to
criticize
someone else, too. It's your feelings being trampled, after all - they're
worth
defending.
But then it becomes a 'dog-eat-dog' thing, doesn't it?
"tit-for-tat", basically called "never-ending cycle of rehurt".
For what purpose? What good comes of defending yourself?
Defense often becomes attack
("Attack is the better form of defense")
Why not just forgive graciously and go on with your life?
What I'll do is to forgive that person who hurt me
and try harder not to say hurtful things to others.' "
How about you don't necessarily have to forgive anyone for anything, it's
a
choice you make on a case by case basis. After all, there are some things
that
are simply unforgivable.
I believe that holding an unforgiving grudge against a person
harms YOU more than the person you hold the grudge against.
It builds up bitterness and hardness of heart,
and you run the risk of becoming more nasty and mean
than the one you accuse.
There's something divine about forgiveness.
It calms the waters of conflict,
and keeps your heart lovely and soft!
(A hard heart soon gets brittle)
GBY
Roland
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 02:56:10 PM |
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"Roland Koch" <rolandq@xlab.co.za> wrote in message news:cte8fc$ogi$1@ctb-nnrp2.saix.net...
: Ahoy Luna,
:
: "Luna" <jean_collins@hotmail.com> wrote
:
: > > And I have no right to criticise them for it,
: > > being guilty myself.
:
: > You do bad you feel bad (guilt) and that motivates you to avoid doing bad.
: For
: > most people I think it's more painful to hurt someone they care about than
: it is
: > to be hurt - but if you get to criticize yourself then you get to
: criticize
: > someone else, too. It's your feelings being trampled, after all - they're
: worth
: > defending.
:
: But then it becomes a 'dog-eat-dog' thing, doesn't it?
: "tit-for-tat", basically called "never-ending cycle of rehurt".
: For what purpose? What good comes of defending yourself?
: Defense often becomes attack
: ("Attack is the better form of defense")
:
: Why not just forgive graciously and go on with your life?
:
: > > What I'll do is to forgive that person who hurt me
: > > and try harder not to say hurtful things to others.' "
:
: > How about you don't necessarily have to forgive anyone for anything, it's
: a
: > choice you make on a case by case basis. After all, there are some things
: that
: > are simply unforgivable.
:
: I believe that holding an unforgiving grudge against a person
: harms YOU more than the person you hold the grudge against.
:
: It builds up bitterness and hardness of heart,
: and you run the risk of becoming more nasty and mean
: than the one you accuse.
:
: There's something divine about forgiveness.
:
: It calms the waters of conflict,
: and keeps your heart lovely and soft!
: (A hard heart soon gets brittle)
:
: GBY
: Roland
:
:
peanut brittle .... mmmmmmm
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| User: "AlvinTChase" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 04:09:04 PM |
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I do think that's a nice ideal Roland,but of course,very hard to
do...One of the most amazing true stories I've read about is of people
who have forgivven people who have deliberatly murdered their
child...At first they felt enormous rage towards the people who killed
their son or daughter...they wanted the killer executed...and then
their was a process of the murderer spending time with the parent of
the murdered son and daughter...It was a very difficult,painful process
but in the cases I read about,the parent was able to forgive,and in one
case I read about,have a feeling of LOVE for the person who killed
their child...I can't imagine the strength it must take to forgive
someone-much less feel love for someone-who deliberatly murdered your
child...I found it incredibly moving.I'm definatly not saying that this
is necessary for people to do,to forguve something that extreme,that
vicious and personal a tragedy,but as an ideal,that kind of strength
and compassion just seems so moving to me...
-"Alvintchase"
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| User: "Roland Koch" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 11:59:52 PM |
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"AlvinTChase" <relayer211@hotmail.com> wrote
I do think that's a nice ideal Roland,but of course,very hard to
do...One of the most amazing true stories I've read about is of people
who have forgivven people who have deliberatly murdered their
child...At first they felt enormous rage towards the people who killed
their son or daughter...they wanted the killer executed...and then
their was a process of the murderer spending time with the parent of
the murdered son and daughter...It was a very difficult,painful process
but in the cases I read about,the parent was able to forgive,and in one
case I read about,have a feeling of LOVE for the person who killed
their child...I can't imagine the strength it must take to forgive
someone-much less feel love for someone-who deliberatly murdered your
child...I found it incredibly moving.I'm definatly not saying that this
is necessary for people to do,to forguve something that extreme,that
vicious and personal a tragedy,but as an ideal,that kind of strength
and compassion just seems so moving to me...
Yes. Reminds me of one example:
Jesus forgiving those who were crucified him:
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do"
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
29 Jan 2005 12:12:36 AM |
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"Roland Koch" <rolandq@xlab.co.za> wrote in message news:ctf8hk$o5p$1@ctb-nnrp2.saix.net...
:
: "AlvinTChase" <relayer211@hotmail.com> wrote
:
: > I do think that's a nice ideal Roland,but of course,very hard to
: > do...One of the most amazing true stories I've read about is of people
: > who have forgivven people who have deliberatly murdered their
: > child...At first they felt enormous rage towards the people who killed
: > their son or daughter...they wanted the killer executed...and then
: > their was a process of the murderer spending time with the parent of
: > the murdered son and daughter...It was a very difficult,painful process
: > but in the cases I read about,the parent was able to forgive,and in one
: > case I read about,have a feeling of LOVE for the person who killed
: > their child...I can't imagine the strength it must take to forgive
: > someone-much less feel love for someone-who deliberatly murdered your
: > child...I found it incredibly moving.I'm definatly not saying that this
: > is necessary for people to do,to forguve something that extreme,that
: > vicious and personal a tragedy,but as an ideal,that kind of strength
: > and compassion just seems so moving to me...
:
: Yes. Reminds me of one example:
: Jesus forgiving those who were crucified him:
: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do"
:
:
tit
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| User: "AlvinTChase" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 04:00:29 PM |
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I see what you're saying...I don't know...Sometimes it helps to tell
myself those things,sometimes it doesn't...letting go of
anger,resentment,blame is something I work on,but it's very
tough,very,very difficult to do...I do think forgivving is a very nice
ideal,more for the sake of the person feeling the anger then the person
they're angry at...I like the saying (paraphrasing):"holding onto anger
is like holding a hot coal in your hand and expecting the other person
to get burnt."...I do think that's true.not everyone can get along,and
be friends,that's the reality,but I often think that noone should be in
our minds if we don't want them there...we shouldn't give anyone that
kind of power over us...
-"Alvintchase"
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| User: "DaKitty" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 03:15:28 PM |
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AlvinTChase wrote:
Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
whether it's better to try to let it go...
-"Alvintchase"
Asses you feelings realisticaly and objectively. Was the other person
hurtful, or is something they unitentionally said or did playing into
your insecurities?
If the person was hurtful, then assert yourself. If it's unintentional,
due to your inner thoughts, then let it go.
This is sort of a simplistic explanation... most situations are often
more complex, but you canuse the above as a start of evaluationg why
your'e feeling hwat you're feeling. The final answer in any oarticular
situation may end up being... little of both.
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| User: "CyberDroog" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 01:11:24 PM |
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On 27 Jan 2005 07:43:31 -0800, "AlvinTChase" <relayer211@hotmail.com>
wrote:
Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
whether it's better to try to let it go...
I only say something if it appears to be a pattern.
--
SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
- Ambrose Bierce
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| User: "Michael A. Ball" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 10:02:40 AM |
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On Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:11:24 GMT, CyberDroog
<CyberDroog@ClockworkOrange.com> wrote:
...
I only say something if it appears to be a pattern.
Getting my feelings hurt is a very, very rare event for me these days;
but if I were to detect a pattern, that would make it far easier for me
to tune out the nit wit.
"Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm
not sure about the former."
Albert Einstein
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| User: "harakiri" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 09:46:28 PM |
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consider the source
"AlvinTChase" <relayer211@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1106840611.935664.297770@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
whether it's better to try to let it go...
-"Alvintchase"
.
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| User: "Michael A. Ball" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 10:16:42 AM |
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On Fri, 28 Jan 2005 03:46:28 GMT, "harakiri" <m.d.wittenberg@att.net>
wrote:
consider the source
So very true! I consider that the most important tool I've acquired.
Learning to do this has truly simplified my life.
"Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm
not sure about the former."
Albert Einstein
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| User: "AlvinTChase" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 10:23:39 PM |
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yep,that's a good suggestion Miyuki.
-"Alvintchase"
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| User: "AlvinTChase" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 03:49:00 PM |
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thanks everyone...I was thinking of a situation at work,though of
course the question applies to many situations...I guess it does depend
on the context and the situation...
-"Alvintchase"
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 09:57:58 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
AlvinTChase wrote:
thanks everyone...I was thinking of a situation at work,though of
course the question applies to many situations...I guess it does depend
on the context and the situation...
-"Alvintchase"
If work is unavoidably hell, you might want to try to get a different
job. I know that's been tough for you, but it's worth it. I've been in
bad work environments, and in retrospect, I wish I hadn't stayed so
long. It wasn't just me, the places were toxic, and I was a convenient
target for these people, I think.
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| User: "AlvinTChase" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 10:28:04 PM |
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Thanks Thor.Most of the people at my job are very friendly.(At least
to my face.)though knowing I'm working with a thief
doesn't exactly make me feel great...however,that was largely my
fault.I'll certainly be much more careful from now on...I could
certainly use more paid work though...
-"Alvintchase"
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 12:42:15 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
AlvinTChase wrote:
Thanks Thor.Most of the people at my job are very friendly.(At least
to my face.)though knowing I'm working with a thief
doesn't exactly make me feel great...however,that was largely my
fault.I'll certainly be much more careful from now on...I could
certainly use more paid work though...
-"Alvintchase"
Listen to your gut. There are toxic work environments. There are
2-faced people out who will be nice to your face and dig the daggers in
your back. Don't be afraid to protect yourself. As the great Ronald
Reagan once said, "trust, but verify."
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| User: "AlvinTChase" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 09:47:13 AM |
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I have to admit...I kind of liked Reagan's personality...obviously,I
did not support his politics...but he did seem to have a charming
personality.In some ways,he reminded me of my grampa...
-"Alvintchase"
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| User: "CyberDroog" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
28 Jan 2005 12:12:12 PM |
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On 28 Jan 2005 07:47:13 -0800, "AlvinTChase" <relayer211@hotmail.com>
wrote:
I have to admit...I kind of liked Reagan's personality...obviously,I
did not support his politics...but he did seem to have a charming
personality.In some ways,he reminded me of my grampa...
I think the grandpa factor was a big part of Reagan's success.
--
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that
you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail
away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore.
Dream. Discover.
- Mark Twain
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| User: "Janithor" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 03:00:03 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
AlvinTChase wrote:
Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
whether it's better to try to let it go...
I don't know the answer to this myself. Ignoring bullies only seems to
make them worse. If you vs. a big group of people, it's hard to fight
against that. I don't know the answer. My current solution is to find
a different environment, and try to find places where people who aren't
such jerks. Smaller environments seem to help, if you can find the
right one.
.
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: when your'e feelings are hurt |
27 Jan 2005 03:18:15 PM |
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"Janithor" <Janithor@comcast.net> wrote in message news:41F9564B.7080603@comcast.net...
: x-no-archive: yes
:
: AlvinTChase wrote:
: >
: > Sometimes people say things that hurt my feelings...It's hard to know
: > whether it's better to speak out about it,to let the person know,or
: > whether it's better to try to let it go...
:
:
: I don't know the answer to this myself. Ignoring bullies only seems to
: make them worse. If you vs. a big group of people, it's hard to fight
: against that. I don't know the answer. My current solution is to find
: a different environment, and try to find places where people who aren't
: such jerks. Smaller environments seem to help, if you can find the
: right one.
:
maybe you should move to Camino
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