| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"used2be" |
| Date: |
30 Mar 2007 11:10:54 PM |
| Object: |
wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
it's starting to stress me out a bit. she's been here almost a week now. i
thought she'd be here a few days at the most, but now it's starting to look
indefinite.
this is new territory for me, and frankly i'm not quite sure how to handle
it!
--
~u2b
+*+*+*+*+*+*+
_,'| _.-''``-...___..--';
/, \'. _..-' , ,--...--'''
< \ .`--''' ` /|
`-,;' ; ; ;
__...--'' __...--_..' .;.'
(,__....----''' (,..--''
.
|
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| User: "Jane" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
31 Mar 2007 07:34:54 AM |
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My son had a friend when they were both 18 who moved in. This was a girl.
I gave her a month to find a job and contribute to the house fund (pay rent
buy food etc) after 30 days when she didn't have a job, I had to kick her
out.
You're not her mom hon, don't trap yourself into thinking you've got to take
care of this girl indefinitely. Put a time limit on it, do what you can to
reunite them, but after that, it's not your responsibility. As long as
she's got a roof over her head and food to eat, there is nothing to push her
into working things out at home.
Jane
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460ddf57$0$8930$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
it's starting to stress me out a bit. she's been here almost a week now.
i thought she'd be here a few days at the most, but now it's starting to
look indefinite.
this is new territory for me, and frankly i'm not quite sure how to handle
it!
--
~u2b
+*+*+*+*+*+*+
_,'| _.-''``-...___..--';
/, \'. _..-' , ,--...--'''
< \ .`--''' ` /|
`-,;' ; ; ;
__...--'' __...--_..' .;.'
(,__....----''' (,..--''
.
|
|
|
| User: "used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
31 Mar 2007 03:42:31 PM |
|
|
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:7NydnRX1_6jxyJPbnZ2dnUVZ_uWlnZ2d@adelphia.com...
My son had a friend when they were both 18 who moved in. This was a girl.
I gave her a month to find a job and contribute to the house fund (pay
rent buy food etc) after 30 days when she didn't have a job, I had to kick
her out.
You're not her mom hon, don't trap yourself into thinking you've got to
take care of this girl indefinitely. Put a time limit on it, do what you
can to reunite them, but after that, it's not your responsibility. As
long as she's got a roof over her head and food to eat, there is nothing
to push her into working things out at home.
i know...you're right, jane. if she was about to graduate high school in
may, i'd be less concerned. but she's only a junior. i can't really make
her get out and work if she is still in school and without a vehicle of her
own.
thnx jane.
.
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| User: "Jane" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
31 Mar 2007 11:19:38 PM |
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"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460ec7b4$0$17189$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:7NydnRX1_6jxyJPbnZ2dnUVZ_uWlnZ2d@adelphia.com...
My son had a friend when they were both 18 who moved in. This was a
girl.
I gave her a month to find a job and contribute to the house fund (pay
rent buy food etc) after 30 days when she didn't have a job, I had to
kick her out.
You're not her mom hon, don't trap yourself into thinking you've got to
take care of this girl indefinitely. Put a time limit on it, do what you
can to reunite them, but after that, it's not your responsibility. As
long as she's got a roof over her head and food to eat, there is nothing
to push her into working things out at home.
i know...you're right, jane. if she was about to graduate high school in
may, i'd be less concerned. but she's only a junior. i can't really make
her get out and work if she is still in school and without a vehicle of
her own.
thnx jane.
If she's only a Junior I definitely would contact her parents hon. Put
yourself in her parents shoes, wouldn't you be upset with whomever your
daughter was staying with if they allowed it? I don't know the whole
situation but if there is abuse, then maybe you need to contact the
authorities. Or talk the girl into contacting the authorities. If it's
just a matter of this girl thinking the grass is greener, well she needs to
find out it's not. If it has everything to do with her parents kicking out
a minor, legally they can't do that. She's a minor.
Jane
.
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| User: "%" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
31 Mar 2007 11:18:47 PM |
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"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:QOWdnXJjFYRFr5LbnZ2dnUVZ_tqnnZ2d@adelphia.com...
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460ec7b4$0$17189$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:7NydnRX1_6jxyJPbnZ2dnUVZ_uWlnZ2d@adelphia.com...
My son had a friend when they were both 18 who moved in. This was
a
girl.
I gave her a month to find a job and contribute to the house fund
(pay
rent buy food etc) after 30 days when she didn't have a job, I had
to
kick her out.
You're not her mom hon, don't trap yourself into thinking you've
got to
take care of this girl indefinitely. Put a time limit on it, do
what you
can to reunite them, but after that, it's not your responsibility.
As
long as she's got a roof over her head and food to eat, there is
nothing
to push her into working things out at home.
i know...you're right, jane. if she was about to graduate high
school in
may, i'd be less concerned. but she's only a junior. i can't
really make
her get out and work if she is still in school and without a vehicle
of
her own.
thnx jane.
If she's only a Junior I definitely would contact her parents hon.
Put
yourself in her parents shoes, wouldn't you be upset with whomever
your
daughter was staying with if they allowed it? I don't know the whole
situation but if there is abuse, then maybe you need to contact the
authorities. Or talk the girl into contacting the authorities. If
it's
just a matter of this girl thinking the grass is greener, well she
needs to
find out it's not. If it has everything to do with her parents
kicking out
a minor, legally they can't do that. She's a minor.
Jane
oh ay , ay
.
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 12:00:39 AM |
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"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:QOWdnXJjFYRFr5LbnZ2dnUVZ_tqnnZ2d@adelphia.com...
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460ec7b4$0$17189$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
i know...you're right, jane. if she was about to graduate high school in
may, i'd be less concerned. but she's only a junior. i can't really
make her get out and work if she is still in school and without a vehicle
of her own.
thnx jane.
If she's only a Junior I definitely would contact her parents hon.
they don't even care who she is with. her mom asked her tuesday when she
picked up her bag, but she didn't tell the mom. she only told her she was
"safe" and the mom didn't push it. i still can't believe they kicked her
out and have no desire to find out where she is staying!
Put yourself in her parents shoes, wouldn't you be upset with whomever
your daughter was staying with if they allowed it?
allowed what?
I don't know the whole situation but if there is abuse, then maybe you
need to contact the authorities. Or talk the girl into contacting the
authorities.
we have a good friend who is a policeman and he's advising us on things. i
don't know if there are abuse issues or not.
If it's just a matter of this girl thinking the grass is greener, well
she needs to find out it's not.
yes, that's what we're about to do tomorrow. let her know what the rules
are around here and that she has to follow them to stay. she hasn't done
anything wrong, but there is a girlfriend who keeps coming over and keeping
her out in the garage to all hours of the night, and that's going to stop.
in fact, my husband sent the friend home tonight at 10:30 and stood in the
door and waited til she left.
If it has everything to do with her parents kicking out a minor, legally
they can't do that. She's a minor.
she's 18, so she's not a minor. but she is still considered an established
resident of her parent's household, and that legally counts for alot.
.
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| User: "Franz Bestuchev" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
31 Mar 2007 12:29:33 AM |
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|
On 3/30/2007 10:10 PM, used2be was all like:
it's starting to stress me out a bit. she's been here almost a week now. i
thought she'd be here a few days at the most, but now it's starting to look
indefinite.
this is new territory for me, and frankly i'm not quite sure how to handle
it!
Kick your daughter out of the room.
Then ask her the questions you need to know. What's up with mom/dad,
what are your plans, here's how I feel and what I can do/willing to do
for you...
.
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| User: "used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
31 Mar 2007 03:30:09 PM |
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"Franz Bestuchev" <franz.bestuchev@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:5769tlF29rg6mU1@mid.individual.net...
On 3/30/2007 10:10 PM, used2be was all like:
it's starting to stress me out a bit. she's been here almost a week now.
i thought she'd be here a few days at the most, but now it's starting to
look indefinite.
this is new territory for me, and frankly i'm not quite sure how to
handle it!
Kick your daughter out of the room.
why kick my 16 yr old out of her own room when she's done nothing wrong?
Then ask her the questions you need to know. What's up with mom/dad, what
are your plans, here's how I feel and what I can do/willing to do for
you...
yeah, we're going to sit down with her tomorrow and figure some things out.
i truly thought this whole thing would blow over by now. i never dreamed
it'd last even a week. now it's looking quite long term.
:/
.
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| User: "thegathaterra" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
30 Mar 2007 11:18:41 PM |
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What sort of stray is she?
Lynne
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460ddf57$0$8930$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
it's starting to stress me out a bit. she's been here almost a week now.
i thought she'd be here a few days at the most, but now it's starting to
look indefinite.
this is new territory for me, and frankly i'm not quite sure how to handle
it!
--
~u2b
+*+*+*+*+*+*+
_,'| _.-''``-...___..--';
/, \'. _..-' , ,--...--'''
< \ .`--''' ` /|
`-,;' ; ; ;
__...--'' __...--_..' .;.'
(,__....----''' (,..--''
.
|
|
|
| User: "used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
30 Mar 2007 11:32:06 PM |
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|
a friend of my daughter's who got kicked out of her house on sunday. she's
18.
"thegathaterra" <lynnevaneck@bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:BilPh.6830$M.2575@news-server.bigpond.net.au...
What sort of stray is she?
Lynne
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460ddf57$0$8930$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
it's starting to stress me out a bit. she's been here almost a week now.
i thought she'd be here a few days at the most, but now it's starting to
look indefinite.
this is new territory for me, and frankly i'm not quite sure how to
handle it!
--
~u2b
+*+*+*+*+*+*+
_,'| _.-''``-...___..--';
/, \'. _..-' , ,--...--'''
< \ .`--''' ` /|
`-,;' ; ; ;
__...--'' __...--_..' .;.'
(,__....----''' (,..--''
.
|
|
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| User: "the_dawggie" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
31 Mar 2007 11:30:55 PM |
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|
On Mar 31, 2:32 pm, "used2be" <used...@nowhere.com> wrote:
a friend of my daughter's who got kicked out of her house on sunday. she's
18.
If 18, I'd think you don't have anymore responsibility than
them.
Is the person a total drop kick, or parents decided "we
don't want this responsibility anymore"?
.
|
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| User: "used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
31 Mar 2007 11:55:15 PM |
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|
"the_dawggie" <the_dawggie@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1175401854.974098.109580@y80g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
On Mar 31, 2:32 pm, "used2be" <used...@nowhere.com> wrote:
a friend of my daughter's who got kicked out of her house on sunday.
she's
18.
If 18, I'd think you don't have anymore responsibility than
them.
she's only a junior in high school. what sort of parent decides they are no
longer responsible for a school aged child that isn't ready to be on their
own? she doesn't even have a diploma yet!
Is the person a total drop kick, or parents decided "we
don't want this responsibility anymore"?
no, she's not a drop kick at all. i think the problems are mostly between
her and the stepdad. i'd like to know more about the situation from the
parents, but they aren't interested in finding her evidently.
tomorrow we sit down and have a talk. i'm dreading it because it will be
stressful. we just want to lay down some household rules, and if she
doesn't want to follow them, she's got to go. that will be hard. i hate
for her to feel even MORE abandoned.
.
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| User: "Jane" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 12:11:50 AM |
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|
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460f3b2f$0$28180$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"the_dawggie" <the_dawggie@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1175401854.974098.109580@y80g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
On Mar 31, 2:32 pm, "used2be" <used...@nowhere.com> wrote:
a friend of my daughter's who got kicked out of her house on sunday.
she's
18.
If 18, I'd think you don't have anymore responsibility than
them.
she's only a junior in high school. what sort of parent decides they are
no longer responsible for a school aged child that isn't ready to be on
their own? she doesn't even have a diploma yet!
Is the person a total drop kick, or parents decided "we
don't want this responsibility anymore"?
no, she's not a drop kick at all. i think the problems are mostly between
her and the stepdad. i'd like to know more about the situation from the
parents, but they aren't interested in finding her evidently.
tomorrow we sit down and have a talk. i'm dreading it because it will be
stressful. we just want to lay down some household rules, and if she
doesn't want to follow them, she's got to go. that will be hard. i hate
for her to feel even MORE abandoned.
I know hon... When my daughter decided to move in with her dad, it was one
of the hardest things I did to let her go. On one had I was relieved and on
the other I was scared crapless. I'm happy things seem to be working out
now, it was a rough road in the beginning for her but now that the boyfriend
is out of the picture its working out well for her.
My sons friend who lived with us she still had a year to finish up school.
That is why we let her stay. After she graduated we went to her
commencements. No one in her family went. So I took her out to dinner gave
her 100 bucks. Then I explained to her if she wasn't planning on continuing
her education I expected her to get a job and contribute to the household
for living with us. She had 30 days to find a job. I probably gave her
like 90 cuz I'm all talk LOL and well I had to tell her she had to move out.
She did.
I understand it's easier said then done, it's harder to just do. I know I
talk all it's this or that no gray area but I know deep inside there are
more gray areas then black and white. I'm glad you have an officer friend
to help advise, but because you have a big heart please don't let her take
advantage of you. I'm thinking about you.
Jane
.
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| User: "used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 12:29:59 AM |
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|
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:yb-dnTVnt8yJopLbnZ2dnUVZ_u-unZ2d@adelphia.com...
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460f3b2f$0$28180$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"the_dawggie" <the_dawggie@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1175401854.974098.109580@y80g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
On Mar 31, 2:32 pm, "used2be" <used...@nowhere.com> wrote:
a friend of my daughter's who got kicked out of her house on sunday.
she's
18.
If 18, I'd think you don't have anymore responsibility than
them.
she's only a junior in high school. what sort of parent decides they are
no longer responsible for a school aged child that isn't ready to be on
their own? she doesn't even have a diploma yet!
Is the person a total drop kick, or parents decided "we
don't want this responsibility anymore"?
no, she's not a drop kick at all. i think the problems are mostly
between her and the stepdad. i'd like to know more about the situation
from the parents, but they aren't interested in finding her evidently.
tomorrow we sit down and have a talk. i'm dreading it because it will be
stressful. we just want to lay down some household rules, and if she
doesn't want to follow them, she's got to go. that will be hard. i hate
for her to feel even MORE abandoned.
I know hon... When my daughter decided to move in with her dad, it was
one of the hardest things I did to let her go. On one had I was relieved
and on the other I was scared crapless. I'm happy things seem to be
working out now, it was a rough road in the beginning for her but now that
the boyfriend is out of the picture its working out well for her.
My sons friend who lived with us she still had a year to finish up school.
That is why we let her stay. After she graduated we went to her
commencements. No one in her family went. So I took her out to dinner
gave her 100 bucks. Then I explained to her if she wasn't planning on
continuing her education I expected her to get a job and contribute to the
household for living with us. She had 30 days to find a job. I probably
gave her like 90 cuz I'm all talk LOL and well I had to tell her she had
to move out. She did.
I understand it's easier said then done, it's harder to just do. I know I
talk all it's this or that no gray area but I know deep inside there are
more gray areas then black and white. I'm glad you have an officer friend
to help advise, but because you have a big heart please don't let her take
advantage of you. I'm thinking about you.
thank you jane. it's really nice to be able to discuss this with others
who've done this before!
she has a dad in indiana and she really likes her stepmom. i think she'd
choose to move back there except for the fact she wants to finish up her
senior year with her friends here. :/
.
|
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| User: "Jane" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 08:53:01 AM |
|
|
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460f4353$0$24780$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:yb-dnTVnt8yJopLbnZ2dnUVZ_u-unZ2d@adelphia.com...
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460f3b2f$0$28180$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"the_dawggie" <the_dawggie@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1175401854.974098.109580@y80g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
On Mar 31, 2:32 pm, "used2be" <used...@nowhere.com> wrote:
a friend of my daughter's who got kicked out of her house on sunday.
she's
18.
If 18, I'd think you don't have anymore responsibility than
them.
she's only a junior in high school. what sort of parent decides they
are no longer responsible for a school aged child that isn't ready to be
on their own? she doesn't even have a diploma yet!
Is the person a total drop kick, or parents decided "we
don't want this responsibility anymore"?
no, she's not a drop kick at all. i think the problems are mostly
between her and the stepdad. i'd like to know more about the situation
from the parents, but they aren't interested in finding her evidently.
tomorrow we sit down and have a talk. i'm dreading it because it will
be stressful. we just want to lay down some household rules, and if she
doesn't want to follow them, she's got to go. that will be hard. i
hate for her to feel even MORE abandoned.
I know hon... When my daughter decided to move in with her dad, it was
one of the hardest things I did to let her go. On one had I was relieved
and on the other I was scared crapless. I'm happy things seem to be
working out now, it was a rough road in the beginning for her but now
that the boyfriend is out of the picture its working out well for her.
My sons friend who lived with us she still had a year to finish up
school. That is why we let her stay. After she graduated we went to her
commencements. No one in her family went. So I took her out to dinner
gave her 100 bucks. Then I explained to her if she wasn't planning on
continuing her education I expected her to get a job and contribute to
the household for living with us. She had 30 days to find a job. I
probably gave her like 90 cuz I'm all talk LOL and well I had to tell her
she had to move out. She did.
I understand it's easier said then done, it's harder to just do. I know
I talk all it's this or that no gray area but I know deep inside there
are more gray areas then black and white. I'm glad you have an officer
friend to help advise, but because you have a big heart please don't let
her take advantage of you. I'm thinking about you.
thank you jane. it's really nice to be able to discuss this with others
who've done this before!
she has a dad in indiana and she really likes her stepmom. i think she'd
choose to move back there except for the fact she wants to finish up her
senior year with her friends here. :/
Well there ya go. School has only what??? A couple of months left. I hope
it works out for her and for you guys as well. Has she spoken to her dad
about the possibility of moving there right after graduation??? how did she
take the talk last night? That was last night right?
.
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| User: "used2be" |
|
| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 10:23:21 AM |
|
|
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:TMGdnYh6g8WmJJLbnZ2dnUVZ_r-onZ2d@adelphia.com...
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460f4353$0$24780$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:yb-dnTVnt8yJopLbnZ2dnUVZ_u-unZ2d@adelphia.com...
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460f3b2f$0$28180$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"the_dawggie" <the_dawggie@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1175401854.974098.109580@y80g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
On Mar 31, 2:32 pm, "used2be" <used...@nowhere.com> wrote:
a friend of my daughter's who got kicked out of her house on sunday.
she's
18.
If 18, I'd think you don't have anymore responsibility than
them.
she's only a junior in high school. what sort of parent decides they
are no longer responsible for a school aged child that isn't ready to
be on their own? she doesn't even have a diploma yet!
Is the person a total drop kick, or parents decided "we
don't want this responsibility anymore"?
no, she's not a drop kick at all. i think the problems are mostly
between her and the stepdad. i'd like to know more about the situation
from the parents, but they aren't interested in finding her evidently.
tomorrow we sit down and have a talk. i'm dreading it because it will
be stressful. we just want to lay down some household rules, and if
she doesn't want to follow them, she's got to go. that will be hard.
i hate for her to feel even MORE abandoned.
I know hon... When my daughter decided to move in with her dad, it was
one of the hardest things I did to let her go. On one had I was
relieved and on the other I was scared crapless. I'm happy things seem
to be working out now, it was a rough road in the beginning for her but
now that the boyfriend is out of the picture its working out well for
her.
My sons friend who lived with us she still had a year to finish up
school. That is why we let her stay. After she graduated we went to her
commencements. No one in her family went. So I took her out to dinner
gave her 100 bucks. Then I explained to her if she wasn't planning on
continuing her education I expected her to get a job and contribute to
the household for living with us. She had 30 days to find a job. I
probably gave her like 90 cuz I'm all talk LOL and well I had to tell
her she had to move out. She did.
I understand it's easier said then done, it's harder to just do. I know
I talk all it's this or that no gray area but I know deep inside there
are more gray areas then black and white. I'm glad you have an officer
friend to help advise, but because you have a big heart please don't let
her take advantage of you. I'm thinking about you.
thank you jane. it's really nice to be able to discuss this with others
who've done this before!
she has a dad in indiana and she really likes her stepmom. i think she'd
choose to move back there except for the fact she wants to finish up her
senior year with her friends here. :/
Well there ya go. School has only what??? A couple of months left. I
hope it works out for her and for you guys as well. Has she spoken to her
dad about the possibility of moving there right after graduation??? how
did she take the talk last night? That was last night right?
she's only a junior so she has another year of school left.
the talk is today. :/
.
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| User: "Jane" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 10:50:19 AM |
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"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message news:460fce67$0$18872>
she's only a junior so >she has another year of school left.
the talk is today. :/
Grrr I keep getting that mixed up, when you say she's 18 I keep thinking
senior!!!!
Well girlie, I'm being negative in my mind here, but I'll share it with you
and take it for what it's worth ok hun?
She's 18, I don't know if she was held back a year or failed because life
has been fun for her and not at all serious. She has a Mother and Step
Father who are relieved to have someone else raising their 18 year old, and
by legal standards, they are NOT legally responsible for her, morally is a
whole different issue but legally she's 18. It's easy to judge the parents
as "bad" people when their children "run away from home" but not everyone is
raised the same moral way.
My Mother kicked both my brother and I out just before our 18th birthdays.
We both begged to live with her. We were kicked out for entirely different
reasons. My brother due to smoking pot, me because she was drunk. My
brother was failing school and in trouble with the law, I was an honor roll
student, who didn't get into trouble, beyond normal stuff in high school. I
had to enroll at the U of M to get my diploma, I had a great counselor who
helped me out and I lived in my car for two weeks and then slept on my
boyfriends parents couch for two months until I had enough money to rent an
apartment, and finish high school. I did get to go back to high school for
graduation, which was salt in my mothers wounds.
Anyway what I am saying until, you've heard the whole story from both
parties do not judge the parents too harshly. There may be circumstances
you are completely unaware of and I'd beware and protect your own family.
You may have let in the catalyst to the destruction of your own content
family, or you could be saving the emotional life of a very young adult.
Tread lightly.
Doom and gloom, I'm sorry but I can't help but worry. There are always two
sides to every story and like I said in an early post, it's not always black
and white, it's the gray areas we need to keep our eyes open for.
You are good people hun
Jane
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 11:07:30 AM |
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"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote
Doom and gloom, I'm sorry but I can't help but worry. There are always
two sides to every story and like I said in an early post, it's not always
black and white, it's the gray areas we need to keep our eyes open for.
yes, all along i've been aware of that and desperately wanting to know
"their side" of the story. they don't seem real interested in giving it to
anyone. or at all concerned with where she might have been living this past
7 days. they just seem relieved that she's gone. and i'd like to know why.
believe me, if she's a catalyst for bad things in this household, she'll be
gone. we have an 8 yr old still. nothing is more important to me than
making sure erin's life stays as peaceful as it's always been.
thnx jane. your perspective is always important to me. especially as the
mother of a troubled/difficult teenager.
~cindy
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| User: "Jane" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 11:32:09 AM |
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"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460fd8be$0$1337$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote
Doom and gloom, I'm sorry but I can't help but worry. There are always
two sides to every story and like I said in an early post, it's not
always black and white, it's the gray areas we need to keep our eyes open
for.
yes, all along i've been aware of that and desperately wanting to know
"their side" of the story. they don't seem real interested in giving it
to anyone. or at all concerned with where she might have been living this
past 7 days. they just seem relieved that she's gone. and i'd like to
know why.
believe me, if she's a catalyst for bad things in this household, she'll
be gone. we have an 8 yr old still. nothing is more important to me than
making sure erin's life stays as peaceful as it's always been.
thnx jane. your perspective is always important to me. especially as the
mother of a troubled/difficult teenager.
~cindy
Troubled and difficult teenagers, both my kids were hard to raise. My son
lived with his dad for a year and half, then he moved back home. He was
much younger, 12, when he moved in with his father. Moved back home when he
was 14. He's been a blessing and those two years he lived with his father
helped him to realize life was pretty good with me. He was so different, so
much more mature, and respectful when he moved back home. He says to me
today it was probably the best thing I ever did for him, forcing him to move
in with his father, because if I hadn't he'd probably be dead or messed up
big time into drugs.
My daughter was a little different, she WANTED to move in with her father, I
didn't want her to, but had to let her go. I tried the school counseling,
being her friend, not just her mother, being her mother, not so much her
friend, being her what ever she needed me to be and none of it worked. I
tried rewards, which she took complete advantage of, being open and honest
with her, taking things away, having consequences, good god we tried it all
but meds!!! So when she asked to move in with her father, I fought it for a
year until I just finally gave in and said, sure, and two days later I had
her "one way" ticket. I cried my eyes out at the airport, and so did her
brother. We were so beside ourselves with worry and she was completely
emotionless.
I still have horrible mixed emotions about her being there, and I know she'd
like to move back here but it would be for all the wrong reasons. Unlike
her brother who appreciated coming back home, she just expects it. Not
letting her move back here has been one of the toughest things I've ever had
to do. I think she'll be much better off back home with her whole extended
family, rather then here with little to no supervision due to my working,
and having a controlling "adult" boy friend lurking in the shadows waiting
for me to be at work every day.
Oh jeez I somehow made this about me, just ignore me
Jane
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 12:15:12 PM |
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"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:_7KdnUXpMrAVQ5LbnZ2dnUVZ_oKnnZ2d@adelphia.com...
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460fd8be$0$1337$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote
Doom and gloom, I'm sorry but I can't help but worry. There are always
two sides to every story and like I said in an early post, it's not
always black and white, it's the gray areas we need to keep our eyes
open for.
yes, all along i've been aware of that and desperately wanting to know
"their side" of the story. they don't seem real interested in giving it
to anyone. or at all concerned with where she might have been living
this past 7 days. they just seem relieved that she's gone. and i'd like
to know why.
believe me, if she's a catalyst for bad things in this household, she'll
be gone. we have an 8 yr old still. nothing is more important to me
than making sure erin's life stays as peaceful as it's always been.
thnx jane. your perspective is always important to me. especially as
the mother of a troubled/difficult teenager.
~cindy
Troubled and difficult teenagers, both my kids were hard to raise. My son
lived with his dad for a year and half, then he moved back home. He was
much younger, 12, when he moved in with his father. Moved back home when
he was 14. He's been a blessing and those two years he lived with his
father helped him to realize life was pretty good with me. He was so
different, so much more mature, and respectful when he moved back home.
He says to me today it was probably the best thing I ever did for him,
forcing him to move in with his father, because if I hadn't he'd probably
be dead or messed up big time into drugs.
My daughter was a little different, she WANTED to move in with her father,
I didn't want her to, but had to let her go. I tried the school
counseling, being her friend, not just her mother, being her mother, not
so much her friend, being her what ever she needed me to be and none of it
worked. I tried rewards, which she took complete advantage of, being open
and honest with her, taking things away, having consequences, good god we
tried it all but meds!!! So when she asked to move in with her father, I
fought it for a year until I just finally gave in and said, sure, and two
days later I had her "one way" ticket. I cried my eyes out at the
airport, and so did her brother. We were so beside ourselves with worry
and she was completely emotionless.
I still have horrible mixed emotions about her being there, and I know
she'd like to move back here but it would be for all the wrong reasons.
Unlike her brother who appreciated coming back home, she just expects it.
Not letting her move back here has been one of the toughest things I've
ever had to do. I think she'll be much better off back home with her
whole extended family, rather then here with little to no supervision due
to my working, and having a controlling "adult" boy friend lurking in the
shadows waiting for me to be at work every day.
Oh jeez I somehow made this about me, just ignore me
no, no, no...don't apologize! i NEED to hear your perspective!!!!!! i just
hope i didn't offend you in anyway since this whole thing started. i know
that *you* are not an uncaring mother and i hope i never meant for it to
sound like *all* mothers of children who have willingly left home or have
been made to leave home are heartless.
i'm thinking of taking the girl out to starbucks in a little while, just me
and her, and having a real "heart to heart" with her. she needs to know
where we stand on a few things. like her "girlfriend" coming over at night
and staying til all hours the last 2 evenings. i'm not "okay" with that and
i won't have it in my household with an impressionable 8 yr old watching
every move! last night we made the girlfriend leave at 10:30, but today we
are putting our foot down and saying the girlfriend is no longer welcome
here. twice she's been over, and twice she's stuck her bubble gum on our
garage floor. just where ever she happens to be. and there's a dang
trashcan IN the garage! and she's also the one that got our "stray" in
trouble to begin with. they are both on probation in school because of what
they did, and so this girlfriend is not welcome at our house, even if it IS
just the garage that she hangs out in. i know an 18 year old has to have
some freedoms, but this "girlfriend" is only 14 and she's nothing but
TROUBLE. i knew it from day 1 when i met her a year ago and she was trying
to befriend alyssa. she roams the neighborhood at all hours of the night
(at 14!), and her parents don't give her any restrictions at ALL. our
"stray" and her got drunk in her house which is what got them into trouble
to being with. with dad at home!!! so, no...this girlfriend is no longer
going to be allowed on our property, period.
wish me luck with the talk!
.
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| User: "Jane" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 08:27:20 PM |
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"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460fe8da$0$9001$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
wish me luck with the talk!
I wish you all the luck in the world hun!!! Let me know how it goes.
.
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
02 Apr 2007 08:41:22 AM |
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"Jane" <jarsenal66nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:K9ydnVQyWbprxo3bnZ2dnUVZ_vOlnZ2d@adelphia.com...
"used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:460fe8da$0$9001$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
wish me luck with the talk!
I wish you all the luck in the world hun!!! Let me know how it goes.
it went REALLY well!!!!!
:))
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
02 Apr 2007 09:38:18 AM |
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used2be wrote:
wish me luck with the talk!
it went REALLY well!!!!!
Details? When ya get a chance.
Gayle
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
02 Apr 2007 10:31:46 AM |
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"Gayle" <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:V9OdnTx02cwWiIzbnZ2dnUVZ_gydnZ2d@rcn.net...
used2be wrote:
wish me luck with the talk!
it went REALLY well!!!!!
Details? When ya get a chance.
we sat in the bedroom while everyone else was otherwise occupied and we had
a nice long talk. i asked her detailed questions about why she was kicked
out of the house, and i feel like she gave me honest answers. she said she
was thinking of leaving anyway because lately her parents verbal abuse had
turned physical. she said that on sunday, the day she came here (a week
ago), both her mother and her step dad had struck her. that was a first,
she said. neither had hit her before (other than minor spankings as a
child). she said she was thinking of leaving home anyway when her stepdad
did her a favor and sent her packing. she's still pretty angry with her mom
for never defending her against her stepdad, but she is amazingly mature and
ready to get past all of this she says. i know she's hurting, but i'm
impressed with her mental toughness. we also talked about rules i have in
the house and the fact that there is a highly impressionable 8 year old
living here, and she was totally cool with all that i had to say. i also
told her that the girlfriend is no longer welcome here, and why, and she
actually seemed a bit relieved by that as well. i was direct and assertive
in my talk with her, but i was also sympathetic. i didn't want to come
across too much either way. i told her that i was here for her in anyway
she needed me to be, and that she could always talk to me. i told her i
wouldn't "judge" her, but that i WOULD be the first one to tell her if and
when i think she needs a kick in the *****. :))
she isn't sure of her summer and next year school plans, and i haven't
decided yet whether or not to offer her our home as a place to stay for that
period of time. i figure she'll go to her dad's for the summer, but she
really wants to finish out her senior year of high school here. greg and i
will think hard about it (and pray) over the next 2 months, and make a
decision as the summer approaches. i'd hate for her not to finish out high
school here, but this really is a huge decision for us, and i don't want to
rush into anything.
i'm still thinking i should talk to the school counselor this week about it
all. someone suggested i do so anonymously first, but i'm not sure if i
should do that, or actually make an appointment and go in and sit down. i
don't want to get her sent back home if that's not a safe environment. i
need to find out what kind of legal issues are involved as well.
thnx for your very valuable advice yesterday, hunny. it sure helped me last
night when i was talking to her about things. and i'm sure i'll have more
questions for you!
*hugs*
~cindy
.
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| User: "Gayle" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
02 Apr 2007 11:16:49 AM |
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used2be wrote:
we sat in the bedroom while everyone else was otherwise occupied and we had
a nice long talk. i asked her detailed questions about why she was kicked
out of the house, and i feel like she gave me honest answers. she said she
was thinking of leaving anyway because lately her parents verbal abuse had
turned physical. she said that on sunday, the day she came here (a week
ago), both her mother and her step dad had struck her. that was a first,
she said. neither had hit her before (other than minor spankings as a
child). she said she was thinking of leaving home anyway when her stepdad
did her a favor and sent her packing. she's still pretty angry with her mom
for never defending her against her stepdad, but she is amazingly mature and
ready to get past all of this she says. i know she's hurting, but i'm
impressed with her mental toughness. we also talked about rules i have in
the house and the fact that there is a highly impressionable 8 year old
living here, and she was totally cool with all that i had to say. i also
told her that the girlfriend is no longer welcome here, and why, and she
actually seemed a bit relieved by that as well. i was direct and assertive
in my talk with her, but i was also sympathetic. i didn't want to come
across too much either way. i told her that i was here for her in anyway
she needed me to be, and that she could always talk to me. i told her i
wouldn't "judge" her, but that i WOULD be the first one to tell her if and
when i think she needs a kick in the *****. :))
It sounds like a great conversation ...
building rapport is critical, imo.
she isn't sure of her summer and next year school plans, and i haven't
decided yet whether or not to offer her our home as a place to stay for that
period of time. i figure she'll go to her dad's for the summer, but she
really wants to finish out her senior year of high school here. greg and i
will think hard about it (and pray) over the next 2 months, and make a
decision as the summer approaches. i'd hate for her not to finish out high
school here, but this really is a huge decision for us, and i don't want to
rush into anything.
It is a huge decision and I think
spendin' the summer with her dad would
take a lot of pressure off of any
commitment to help her through the next
school year. Did you discuss calling him?
i'm still thinking i should talk to the school counselor this week about it
all. someone suggested i do so anonymously first, but i'm not sure if i
should do that, or actually make an appointment and go in and sit down. i
don't want to get her sent back home if that's not a safe environment. i
need to find out what kind of legal issues are involved as well.
Well, treating it as a matter of fact
rather than a secret is best, imo.
People can't help if they don't know. No
one can "send her back", she's 18. But
the school system is invested in helping
her graduate and may have creative
solutions regarding her living situation
while she finishes.
I'm not a lawyer, but I think your only
risk is if she's injured in your home --
which your homeowner's insurance
probably would cover. But that liability
applies to any guest whether they've
been there 5 minutes or 5 months. I think.
thnx for your very valuable advice yesterday, hunny. it sure helped me last
night when i was talking to her about things. and i'm sure i'll have more
questions for you!
In my long ramblings I forgot to mention
that, although I've felt like a fool for
getting involved every time, I never
regretted doing it afterwards. Well,
maybe for the guy who was dealing drugs
out of the basement door in my driveway
-- but, naw, not even that misadventure.
I've heard he's straightened out and the
*****-kickin' he got here was the
beginning of it.
Gayle
.
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
02 Apr 2007 06:38:39 PM |
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"Gayle" <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote in message
news:4v-dnfK4moU_sYzbnZ2dnUVZ_uKknZ2d@rcn.net...
used2be wrote:
we sat in the bedroom while everyone else was otherwise occupied and we
had a nice long talk. i asked her detailed questions about why she was
kicked out of the house, and i feel like she gave me honest answers. she
said she was thinking of leaving anyway because lately her parents verbal
abuse had turned physical. she said that on sunday, the day she came
here (a week ago), both her mother and her step dad had struck her. that
was a first, she said. neither had hit her before (other than minor
spankings as a child). she said she was thinking of leaving home anyway
when her stepdad did her a favor and sent her packing. she's still
pretty angry with her mom for never defending her against her stepdad,
but she is amazingly mature and ready to get past all of this she says.
i know she's hurting, but i'm impressed with her mental toughness. we
also talked about rules i have in the house and the fact that there is a
highly impressionable 8 year old living here, and she was totally cool
with all that i had to say. i also told her that the girlfriend is no
longer welcome here, and why, and she actually seemed a bit relieved by
that as well. i was direct and assertive in my talk with her, but i was
also sympathetic. i didn't want to come across too much either way. i
told her that i was here for her in anyway she needed me to be, and that
she could always talk to me. i told her i wouldn't "judge" her, but that
i WOULD be the first one to tell her if and when i think she needs a kick
in the *****. :))
It sounds like a great conversation ... building rapport is critical, imo.
yes, i wanted to do that, but also to be sure she knows that i'm not to be
taken advantage of. i can be a friend to her, but i'm still MOM! :) i'm
da BOSS. <g>
she isn't sure of her summer and next year school plans, and i haven't
decided yet whether or not to offer her our home as a place to stay for
that period of time. i figure she'll go to her dad's for the summer, but
she really wants to finish out her senior year of high school here. greg
and i will think hard about it (and pray) over the next 2 months, and
make a decision as the summer approaches. i'd hate for her not to finish
out high school here, but this really is a huge decision for us, and i
don't want to rush into anything.
It is a huge decision and I think spendin' the summer with her dad would
take a lot of pressure off of any commitment to help her through the next
school year. Did you discuss calling him?
she actually spoke to him before we talked last night. he was very
supportive of her being in our household for now. he doesn't care at all
for his ex wife, nor the step father. i think i'll get his email address
from her so that i can at least email him periodically about things.
i'm still thinking i should talk to the school counselor this week about
it all. someone suggested i do so anonymously first, but i'm not sure if
i should do that, or actually make an appointment and go in and sit down.
i don't want to get her sent back home if that's not a safe environment.
i need to find out what kind of legal issues are involved as well.
Well, treating it as a matter of fact rather than a secret is best, imo.
yes, that's what i've decided as well.
People can't help if they don't know. No one can "send her back", she's
18. But the school system is invested in helping her graduate and may have
creative solutions regarding her living situation while she finishes.
that's what i'm hoping.
I'm not a lawyer, but I think your only risk is if she's injured in your
home --
which your homeowner's insurance probably would cover. But that liability
applies to any guest whether they've been there 5 minutes or 5 months. I
think.
yes. and i haven't thought of health insurance. :/
thnx for your very valuable advice yesterday, hunny. it sure helped me
last night when i was talking to her about things. and i'm sure i'll
have more questions for you!
In my long ramblings I forgot to mention that, although I've felt like a
fool for getting involved every time, I never regretted doing it
afterwards. Well, maybe for the guy who was dealing drugs out of the
basement door in my driveway -- but, naw, not even that misadventure. I've
heard he's straightened out and the *****-kickin' he got here was the
beginning of it.
thank you so much for that, ms gayle. it helps me feel more certain about
what i've undertaken here!
.
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
02 Apr 2007 03:06:15 PM |
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Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote:
used2be wrote:
wish me luck with the talk!
it went REALLY well!!!!!
Good. You are absolutely right to set any conditions
you want (well, any conditions I think *you* would
want) for this guest.
.
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
02 Apr 2007 06:39:28 PM |
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"Contrarian" <adrba65@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:XmdQh.4087$dd.2952@newsread1.mlpsca01.us.to.verio.net...
Gayle <gayleco@rcn.com> wrote:
used2be wrote:
wish me luck with the talk!
it went REALLY well!!!!!
Good. You are absolutely right to set any conditions
you want (well, any conditions I think *you* would
want) for this guest.
thnx hun. :)
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 10:11:28 PM |
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On Apr 1, 12:55 am, "used2be" <used...@nowhere.com> wrote:
she's only a junior in high school. what sort of parent decides they are no
longer responsible for a school aged child that isn't ready to be on their
own? she doesn't even have a diploma yet!
That's how the twins came to live with us. I've known thewm and their
deadbeat mom since they were tiny, and they've been here on and off,
especially through high school. One graduates this year, and the other
next(he repeated a grade).
They just got signed to a record label, so that should help them with
their independence. I just hope she doesn't bleed them dry.
I did tell them to make sure they say my name nice and clearly when
they get those grammys!
My advice is, if it's a longer term thing, she needs the same
resaponsiblities and accountability as your own kids. Chores, doing
well in school, coming in on time, telling you where she is. If she
works this summer, there's nothing wrong with her contributing to her
expenses, either.
It's not about abandonement. It's about her taking some control over
her own life. This is a good thing.
Bobbie
.
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| User: "used2be" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
02 Apr 2007 08:45:55 AM |
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<crysalis7@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1175483488.620072.145850@y80g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
On Apr 1, 12:55 am, "used2be" <used...@nowhere.com> wrote:
she's only a junior in high school. what sort of parent decides they are
no
longer responsible for a school aged child that isn't ready to be on
their
own? she doesn't even have a diploma yet!
That's how the twins came to live with us. I've known thewm and their
deadbeat mom since they were tiny, and they've been here on and off,
especially through high school. One graduates this year, and the other
next(he repeated a grade).
i didn't realize that, girl! that you had some kids living with you that
weren't your own.
They just got signed to a record label, so that should help them with
their independence. I just hope she doesn't bleed them dry.
wow, are you serious? like you think they might really be famous someday???
I did tell them to make sure they say my name nice and clearly when
they get those grammys!
:))
My advice is, if it's a longer term thing, she needs the same
resaponsiblities and accountability as your own kids. Chores, doing
well in school, coming in on time, telling you where she is. If she
works this summer, there's nothing wrong with her contributing to her
expenses, either.
definitely.
It's not about abandonement. It's about her taking some control over
her own life. This is a good thing.
i think she's ready to do that. we had a long talk last night, and she
really seems to be ready to move past all this and make something good out
of her life.
thnx bobbie!
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| User: "the_dawggie" |
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| Title: Re: wondering how long our "stray" is going to be with us... |
01 Apr 2007 01:17:41 AM |
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used2be wrote:
she's only a junior in high school. what sort of parent decides they are no
longer responsible for a school aged child that isn't ready to be on their
own? she doesn't even have a diploma yet!
Oh, they are out there, same as folk who would dump
their pet dog, cat, or whatever by the side of the
road and hope for the best.
no, she's not a drop kick at all. i think the problems are mostly between
her and the stepdad. i'd like to know more about the situation from the
parents, but they aren't interested in finding her evidently.
I think I mentioned in another thread a case of a friend's neice
who tryed to kill themself, my friend suggested that they stay
with his parents. Her mother had a spack about that, however
don't think really cares.
The neice in in the middle of a group of kids, same 18 though,
and I get the feeling parent care for the oldest or youngest
range of their flock, and middle gets ignored.
tomorrow we sit down and have a talk. i'm dreading it because it will be
stressful. we just want to lay down some household rules, and if she
doesn't want to follow them, she's got to go. that will be hard. i hate
for her to feel even MORE abandoned.
All good luck with it - that can work, and what my friend is
having sucess with, with his neice.
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