Ignoring Colbert, Part Two
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chris-durang/ignoring-colbert-part-tw_b_20130.html
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin,
I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever
parked 14 black bullet proof S.U.V.'S out front,
could you please move them. They are blocking in
14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'S and they need
to get out.
Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents'
Dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero,
George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like
I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I'm a
pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody
shoot me in the face.
Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could
have helped. By the way, before I get started, if
anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly
and clearly on into your table numbers and somebody
from the N.S.A. Will be right over with a cocktail.
Mrs. Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,
Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert
and it's my privilege tonight to celebrate our president.
He's no so different, he and I. We get it. We're not
brain backs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of
the fact (police). We go straight from the gut, right sir?
That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut.
Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut
than you have in your head? You can look it up.
I know some of you are going to say I did look it up,
and that's not true. That's but you looked it up in a book.
Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me
that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show,
the Colbert report, I speak straight from the gut, ok?
I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument.
I call it the no fact zone. Fox News, I own the copyright
on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of
beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America.
I believe it exists.
My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from
the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has
50 states. And I cannot wait to see how "the Washington Post"
spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe
democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures
out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, ambassador, welcome, your great country makes our
happy meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the
government that governs best is the government that governs least.
And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government
in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.
I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once
in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a
committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the
right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or
Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting
Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Ladies and gentlemen,
I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter.
Most of all I believe in this president.
Now, I know there's some polls out there saying this man
has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay
attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a
collection of statistics that reflect what people are
thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say
the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important
to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir pay no attention to
the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means
it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass
is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is
usually backwash.
Folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a
low point in this presidency. I believe it is just
a lull, before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." The president is
Rocky and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world.
It's the 10th round. He's bloodied, his corner man, Mick,
who in this case would be the Vice President, and he's
yelling cut me, *****, cut me, and every time he falls
she say stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky
he gets back up and in the end he -- actually loses in
the first movie. Ok. It doesn't matter.
The point is the heart-warming story of a man who was
repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention
to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans
disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this,
does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of
the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he
stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on
things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and
recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong
message, that no matter what happens to America,
she will always rebound with the most powerfully
staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president
has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do
you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush
all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy
source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite powered car.
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously
loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls
show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful
woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry,
but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of
books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart.
I mean, they're elitist telling us what is or isn't true,
what did or didn't happen. What's Britannica to tell me
the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say
it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
I'm with the president, let history decide what did
or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady.
You know where he stands. He believes the same thing
Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what
happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man's beliefs
never will.
And as excited as I am to be here with the president,
I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media
that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News.
Fox News gives you both sides of every story, the
President's side and the Vice President's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting
on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe?
Those things are secret for a very important reason,
they're superdepressing. And if that's your goal, well,
misery accomplished.
Over the last five years you people were so good over
tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the affect of global warming.
We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy
not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works.
The President makes decisions, he's the decider. The
Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people
of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce,
type. Put them through a spell check and go home.
Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife.
Write that novel you got kicking around in your head.
You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter
with the courage to stand up to the administration.
You know, fiction.
Because really, what incentive do these people have
to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing
satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes.
So the White House has personnel changes. Then you
write they're just rearranging the deck chairs on
the Titanic.
First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This
administration is not sinking. This administration
is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the
deck chairs on the Hindenburg.
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some heroes,
Buckley, Kim Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President,
thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just
as shocked as everyone here is I promise you.
How is Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we
can bump him.
And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Mowsly,
Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace.
They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren't
retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to
handle these retired generals causing all this
trouble, don't let them retire. C'mon, we've got
a stop loss program, let's use it on these guys.
If you're strong enough to go on one of those
pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers
and order men into battle. C'mon.
Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show.
Very interesting and challenging interview.
You can ask him anything, but he's going
to say what he wants at the pace that he wants.
It's like boxing a glacier.
Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren
will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia's here. May I be the first to say
welcome, sir. You look fantastic. How are you?
(imitates hostile gestures Scalia was reported
to have made)
John McCain is here. John McCain John McCain.
What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork
he used on his salad, because I guarantee you
wasn't a salad fork. He could have used a spoon.
There's no predicting him. So wonderful to see
you coming back into the republican fold.
I have a summerhouse in South Carolina,
look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones
University. So glad you've seen the light.
Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate
city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like
to welcome you to Washington, D.C., The chocolate
city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker
crust of corruption. It's a mallomar is
what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since
Desi Arnez. And of course he brought along his
lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what
have I said. I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant
to say he brought along his lovely wife,
Joe Wilson's wife. Pat Fitzgerald is not here
tonight? Dodged a bullet.
And we can't forget man of the hour, new
Press Secretary, Tony Snow. Secret service name,
Snow Job. What a hero, took the second toughest
job in government, next to, of course,
the ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes
to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan could say
nothing like nobody else.
McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like
he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's
children.
Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the
decision so quickly, sir. I was vying for
the job. I think I would have made a fabulous
press secretary. I have nothing but contempt
for these people. I know how to handle these
clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an
audition tape and with your indulgence,
I'd like to at least give it a shot.
So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference. "
Note: A video section followed with Colbert sparring
with reporters and eventually running away from
journalist Helen Thomas.
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The pen is truly mightier than the sword.
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