Meet The Progressives
By Allison Kilkenny
Created Feb 3 2008 - 5:00pm
The best people to talk about politics with are comics. They're humble folk
because they make a living wowing herds of fat, drunk tourists with jokes
that cross all social, racial, and gender boundaries. Ergo, they don't try
to throw big words around like so many PHD-carriers, which really is the
Homosapien equivalent of monkeys hurling their own feces around their
containment cages.
Comics speak simply and pepper their sentences with verbal ticks like
"*****".
They're the first people to launch outrageous political theories without the
talking head inclination of prefacing their ideologies with "According to
Newsweek." or "Abraham Lincoln once said." Their opinions are their own, and
so comics have this weird habit of saying exactly what they mean and not
caring if you don't agree with them. They don't quote polls or bloggers, nor
philosophers or poets. In fact, if you quoted poetry to a comic, they'd call
you an *****, or worse.
So I wasn't slightly surprised when it was a comic (I'll call him Bob) that
made me reexamine the parameters of "Progressivism." Bob hadn't had a good
show. "I really ate my balls," he muttered morosely. I assured him he
certainly had not because such an act would surely have inspired a more
enthusiastic reaction than the one he received.
Super Tuesday was days away, and so the conversation turned (as it so often
does) to politics. Bob revealed that his uncle ran the campaign of one of
the Republican presidential candidates. My heart seized in my chest. Running
into the family member of a Republican crony in my New York City arts'
circle was like spotting an endangered condor whilst hiking through a dense
strip of forest. I wanted to throw a burlap sack over him and seal his body
in a large preservative jar.
I tried to play it cool. Could I be sitting next to the rarest of all
creatures.a Republican artist? With my voice only warbling slightly, I asked
Bob what party he belonged to. Bob made a face like I stuck a huge wedge of
moldy cheese under his nose.
"I agree with some Conservative stuff, but I'm really a Democrat, though I
hate where the party's going. They seem like Republicans now. I guess I'm
like a Libertarian."
Bob seemed to defy the very laws of nature. It was like seeing a man remove
his genitalia and replace it with a vagina. I wanted to scream, "YOU CAN'T
DO THAT!!" A Democrat can't flirt with Conservatism, and then in the same
breath, claim to be a lawless Libertarian. What sort of Bizarro World crap
was that?
Bob must have seen me turn purple because he spoke slowly and gently, "I
just don't trust Democrats anymore."
I couldn't blame him. Eight years of Clintonism had sold the Democrat party
down the river. No presidential candidate even dreamt of pushing the party
left anymore out of fear of being called pinko pussies by the
Neo-Conservative warmongers.
"What about Progressives?" I croaked. Bob made the cheese face again.
"Aren't those just unemployed liberals?"
Once, I had hoped for so much more from Progressives. Liberals had finally
seemed to pull their ***** together, put down their bongs, and formed what
Matt Bai called "an argument." Where Karl Rove and the nefarious geniuses of
the right mastered the smear campaign, the Progressives broke new ground
with the grassroots internet campaign. MoveOn.org charged Washington like a
***** Cheney night terror and began winning local elections with their
candidates. It seemed like, finally, the pendulum would swing left.
Except, in trying to gain more supporters and ever expand their email list,
MoveOn began to fall victim to the old liberal vulnerability. They became
the champion of too many causes. They lost their fierce focus. They almost
completely abandoned the aggressive call for impeachment and immediate
withdrawal from Iraq.
MoveOn never wasted a second considering backing Dennis Kucinich. Instead,
their first endorsement went to Obama, certainly a more winnable candidate,
but yet another example of the old Clinton cure of "triangulation." Sure,
he's
not as left as we'd like, but he's better than Hillary.right?
In talking to liberals, I often hear, "I'm not a Democrat. I'm a
Progressive." In this statement, they say "Democrat" with a tired groan, as
though the Democratic party was some silly, passé idea like the Hindenburg
or those antique bikes with the huge front wheels. Meanwhile, they say
"Progressive," with an air of invigoration like people moan "that was soooo
good" after a delicious meal.
In the 2008 campaign season, the words "hope" and "change" cling to
Progressivism's back like cheery little parasites. Progressivism, we were
all promised, was the cure to eight years of seriously bad *****. Surely, I
thought, this Progressive business will push the brainwashed Democrats in
D.C. left. This will bring them home.
Unfortunately, centrist Democrats have sucked Progressives into their
machine. In fact, Tom Matzzie, who used to be the Washington director of
MoveOn, frequently attended lavish parties thrown by political moguls.
There's
a reason independent journalists don't accept invitations to these kind of
schmoozefests. Once you take something from the political elite, they expect
favors in turn.
Matzzie argued he was building bridges, but what he in fact did was help to
sell out the Progressive movement of MoveOn. Instead of fearing the online
revolution, the Democrats adopted MoveOn as their own personal voter
rolodex. Come campaign season, the Obama camp nodded at MoveOn, and MoveOn
stepped into line.
While using the brilliant mode of small contributions en masse to get local
"Progressive" candidates elected, MoveOn backed a Presidential candidate,
who is centrist on most of the big issues.
The media has been drooling about the Obama-Clinton pleasantry orgy,
dutifully documenting how the two have very little to disagree about other
than Hillary voted to go to war, while Barack only chose to vote for its
continuation.
If someone is getting stabbed, and the initial attacker puts down the knife
and walks away, and another person appears, picks up the knife, and resumes
stabbing, do you think the victim can tell the difference between the two
attackers? Ladies and Gentlemen: I bring you Hillary Clinton and Barack
Obama in metaphor. Iraqis can't really tell which fucker had the knife
first.
But apparently MoveOn sees a really big difference because Barack is the
Progressive movement's guy. However, MoveOn shouldn't have to shoulder the
entire blame for this new left movement getting sucked into the
center-right.
MoveOn is only the most recent, and largest, "It's the best we can do"
domino to fall. Still, I understood why Bob, the comic, wrinkled his nose at
the idea of Progressivism. Weren't they supposed to be the champions of the
left? Weren't they the outraged hordes crying for impeachment and a full,
timely pull-out of Iraq?
Maybe it was my fault for assuming all Progressives wanted the same things.
Maybe it was time to stop thinking in labels, like Bob suggested. Maybe
Progressivism wasn't inherently good because it was a new solution to the
Democratic and Republican stalemates. No ideology is a permanent solution,
not even the spunky lads and ladies of MoveOn.
There always must be a skeptical, independent presence pushing the
Progressives left. Just as independent journalists were so badly needed in
the lead up to, and throughout, the Iraq invasion, so now we need
independents in politics to act as watchdogs for Progressives so they're not
further sucked into the centrist Democratic party.
A good idea is a good idea, whether it comes from a Conservative, liberal,
Democrat, Republican, Progressive, or even a comic, one rainy Friday night
in a dive comedy club. The point is we must always be independent of labels.
We must always actively critique movements like Progressivism especially
when they assume the role of representing liberal ideologies.
Money and prestige can pervert even the most stalwart revolutionary, and is
up to independents to continue the fight to preserve vehicles of change so
Progressivism doesn't begin to stink like rotting cheese.
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"A little patience and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their
spells dissolve, and the people recovering their true sight, restore their
government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are
suffering deeply in spirit,
and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public
debt. But if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have
patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning
back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at
stake."
-Thomas Jefferson
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