Getting Out of Bed in "The Age of Anxiety"
I'm weak, and have no hope of respite or repose, from the escalating
stress of high anxiety caused by the infinite number of things I must
start worrying about the minute I awaken and that dog me all the day
long:
SUV's killing people, US troops unduly stressing terrorist prisoners;
Haliburton, pharmaceutical, and energy corporations making profits;
FEMA, cancer, ***** Cheney, why do they hate us and what can we do to
make Muslims and Europeans like us, more money for New Orleans;
handguns, high blood pressure, hurricanes and levees; is my headache
sign of a brain tumor, US imperialism and rampant racism, could OJ
really have been guilty, is it fair to deprive Iran of nuclear energy
just because American environmental groups think it unsafe, is that
dark bump on my neck melanoma, can Saddam get a fair trial, are
seventy-two virgins enough for eternity especially if the reason they
are virgins is what I think it is, was my ex-wife right and I really
did cause the divorce; homophobic military recruiters occupying
university campuses, intimidating gays, and frustrating law professors;
will global warming cause my beach house to flood, will I find my
feminine side before Alzheimers sets in, why do I not feel guilty that
I disliked Brokeback Mountain, when should I stop eating chicken
because of bird flu and should I stockpile Tamiflu and if so where can
I get it, free speech and tenure for college professors and high school
teachers who instruct students on why to hate America, if I swim at the
beach will a shark attack me, should I care that evangelical zealots
and Rush Limbaugh have captured the radio frequencies and are
brainwashing Americans, could it be that I dislike Oprah because I'm
racist and I like Seinfeld because I'm insensitive, how do we truly
enforce a separation of church and state, why do we not support
Palestinian liberation from Israeli occupation, did the Holocaust
really happen, what should be done about the epidemic of post-slavery
traumatic stress syndrome in America, can 83 year old Supreme Court
Justice John Paul Stevens stay alive and on the Bench for 10 more years
until the Democrats regain the White House, how do we better protect
Mom's right to choose and Baby's right to lose, and is it possible
that the Supreme Court really could reverse Roe vs. Wade, is Fox News
too fair and balanced, higher minimum wages, should I eat steak in the
absence of a companion who knows the Heimlich maneuver, health care for
illegal aliens, religious freedom and soul-food for Black Muslim felons
and Guantanamo terrorists, voting rights for ex-con's, legal
obstacles to trying George W. and George H.W. Bush for war crimes,
Zionism, is Kim Jon really mentally Il and if so will he launch a
nuclear warhead against where I live, should I move or not take trips
because a giant meteoroid or an earthquake could destroy the part of
the US where I live or another part while I'm vacationing there, when
will the Twelfth Imam emerge from his hole, and now this:
FEAR OF FAT FOODS! FEAR OF FAT PEOPLE, FEAR OF FORCES FIGHTING FAT
FOODS AND FAT PEOPLE!
AM I GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF FAT, OR BECAUSE OF AN ACCIDENT CAUSED BY
FAT PEOPLE, OR BECAUSE OF STRESS CAUSED BY THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO HATE
FAT FOODS?
I face a foreseeable future of fortuitous fright and fear of fatality
from fat foods, fat folks, and furious frenzy flaunted from flatulent,
frenetic, forces fighting fondness for fat foods; following formal
findings about fatalities flowing from flawed faith in fatuous
"facts" factored into figuring: the "average weight" of
Americans
Scientifically thin weight data, it seems, is a significant factor in
several recent public transportation accidents from airline and
watercraft overload.
Most, if not all, Americans, like the children in Lake Woebegone, are
now "above average", in kilos, not test scores. America's 21st
century overweight is causing transportation safety factors (that are
calculated based on 20th century average weight assumptions and
allowable numbers of passengers) to be underweight, so to speak. This
is the law of the conservation of matter: if something, somewhere, is
overweight something else, somewhere else, must be underweight, and
vice versa. Where did the excess matter come from, otherwise? (This is
especially true, here, where underweight occurrences in one century are
transposed into overweight occurrences in the next century.)
Oyeh! Always something to worry about.
Besides over-weighted boats and "planes, trains, and automobiles"
(John Candy was certainly a guy who could tip the scales with laughter,
God rest his gentle soul), I now must wring my hands over the safety of
elevators, trams, ski-lifts, amusement park rides, footbridges, decks,
balconies, fire escapes, and stairways, just to name things that
readily come to mind.
All because of fat people, another minority group I'll have to
profile before I board. I'm tired of tolerating the threat to public
safety posed by people who eat fast food and enjoy dessert, yet refuse
to jog. I'm tired of suffering the anxiety and stress caused by
people, like the Fat Food Police and the Pogo Party of Democrats, who
make me worry about everything. There ought to be a law against all of
them!
- Pukka Luftmensch, esq.
http://www.amicusrepublicae.com/
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