| Topic: |
Politics > Politics-USA |
| User: |
"Wobbly Jarrick" |
| Date: |
08 Sep 2007 01:04:59 PM |
| Object: |
In a "New Video", "New-Look Bin Laden" Predicts U.S. Failure in Iraq |
In a "New Video", "New-Look Bin Laden" Predicts U.S. Failure in Iraq
By Wobbly Jarrick
Poshington Waste Stuff Writer
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Ending a nearly three-year screen sabbatical, a darker-bearded "Osama bin
Laden" featured yesterday in a new video in which he repeatedly taunted the
Bush administration but made no overt threats of renewed terrorist attacks.
Beltway analysts have welcomed these new threatless menaces as a godsend.
"This slots in pretty well with current fear policy"said one observer, "It
allows us to maintain fear at an acceptable level without increasing
expenditure".
The tape was undergoing "technical evaluation" by U.S. voice imitation
specialists, and an initial review indicated it was 'authentic'. "The
analysis confirms that the voice on the tape is undoubtedly that of Osama
bin Laden. Even his mother couldn't tell the difference." said a U.S.
intelligence official, speaking on the condition that he not be identified
by name or by voice.
The "al-Qaeda leader" appeared visibly older and spoke in somber tones on
the condition that he not be identified by his beard or his mother.
He delivered a typical rambling, 25-minute monologue that included a
typically lengthy tirade against Western capitalism typically sprinkled with
references to recent news events and cultural and political figures which
typically prove beyond doubt that the "al-Qaeda leader" is still alive and a
force to be reckoned with.
Addressing his traditional pre-electoral message to "the people of America,"
"bin Laden" predictably predicted failure for U.S. forces in Iraq and warned
against what he described as the continued oppression and humiliation of
Muslims by the West.
"The blood of the Muslims will not be spilled with impunity," he said in a
predictable clumsy and ill-advised attempt to stir up hatred against the
people he purports to defend.
Bush-aides watching the video in the Oval office broke into spontaneous
applause when "bin Laden" spoke of the "19 mujahideen hostage takers" and
thus proved for once and for all that 911 was absolutely and definitely not
an inside job. "Thank God he's there," sighed one, "just imagine the ***** we'd
be in without him. I mean, we need him. He's almost one of us."
Anonymous terrorism analysts said the video offered little new information
but appeared intended to show that bin Laden is not only alive but vital and
dangerous and fearsome and also a stupid, evil fiend lurking in the depths
of the American psyche and committed to continuing his campaign against the
West nearly six years to the day after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the
World Trade Center and the Pentagon. The tape and the nose which
appropriately appear to have been professionally produced, are believed to
have been made no earlier than mid-August, analysts reported spontaneously.
Husain Haqqani, an expert on Islamic terrorist groups and the director of
the Center for International Relations at Boston University says "Bin Laden
is saying, 'I am still here, and if I'm not backstage then I'll be in my
dressing room or maybe in the bar... And of course we are still engaged in
the war against the United States -- and we will widen the circle of the
war. Whatever's in the script."
In the surprisingly candid bonus section of the tape "bin Laden" comments on
the plot, "My role is to bolster the morale of the al-Qaeda faithful and at
the same time thumb my new plastic nose at the United States. Now, some
critics have pointed out that this sort of behaviour conveniently drives the
president to enact new secret executive orders, giving himself arbitrary
secret powers by decree during weekends when no-one is paying attention. You
can even check this out on the White House Website. So these guys say that
my tactics are counterproductive but I dunno, you never can tell. I'm like
Americans will one day wake up and discover that they are living in a police
state, then they will turn against Bush and convert to Islam something
massive. So, maybe tactically I seem kinda dumb, but independent terrorism
analysts, not even loosely connected to the administration, have convinced
me that strategically, I can't loose."
Commenting on changes in his physical appearance since the release of the
previous tape, he revealed that the revamp was mostly due to pressure from
his agent. "My pitch was that a whiter beard made me look kinda wise, you
know like Abraham or Moses or some patriarch type and I thought that that
would go down well in the States. I kinda thought it added credibility. But
my agent said I shouldn't have too much credibility otherwise the whole
thing would backfire. Whatever that meant... He said we should try this fake
black beard thing so I went along with that. I mean, it's no big deal.
A-lister and celebs change their appearance all the time.
In Sydney, President Bush told reporters: "This new professional quality
video tape which has surfaced from a cave in Pakistan without any warning
whatsoever and took me completely by surprise is a reminder about the
dangerous world in which we live in and I appreciate that. And it is a
reminder that we must work together and continue to shape reality to protect
our way of life, our world domination and our comfort . . . against
extremists. Let me remind you that extremists are people who murder the
innocent in order to achieve their political objectives, even though this
kind of behavior is contrary to the stuff I learned in the Midland Christian
Bible Study class back in the 80's and it's also prohibited by the
Constitution of the United States that I swore to preserve, protect and
defend on January 20, 2001. So help me God."
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