Looks like tough economic days are ahead for the Vatican!

;-)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53595/print/

Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise

October 4, 2006 | Issue 42.40

KARACHI, PAKISTAN - In what appears to be the latest sign of a widening
gulf
between the Muslim world and the West, Islamic leaders upset over Pope
Benedict XIV's recent controversial remarks about the nature of their
religion are urging the Muslim faithful to boycott any and all products
bearing the Pope's seal of approval.

Sheikh Othman Malik led a demonstration in Karachi Monday.

"We are sending a message to Rome that they cannot insult the prophet, may
Allah's blessings be upon him, and if they do, we will close our hearts
and
our pocketbooks to their extensive line of retail products," said
Pakistani
cleric Sheikh Othman Malik, who spoke to an estimated crowd of 10,000 in
downtown Karachi Monday. "Our only recourse is to refuse to buy
anything-be
it candles, incense, Pope Oaties breakfast cereal, Popeshine shampoo, or
Craftspope-brand power tools-and, by destroying consumer confidence, bring
the worshipper of the cross and all his subsidiaries to their knees."

Added Malik, "We must remind everyone that it is the oppressed buyer who
makes the Roman Catholic Church the second-largest manufacturer of
consumer
goods in the world."

Although the Karachi protest was mostly peaceful, a downtown Stop N' Pope
grocery store's windows were smashed, and in the northwest suburbs a
fiberglass statue of the Mitre Man mascot was reportedly seized from a
Vatican Tires outlet and set ablaze.

ValuPope Super Centers are bracing for the boycott spearheaded by Sheikh
Othman Malik.

"We will not rest," said protester Ibrahim Meghwar, standing behind a
burning pile of Pople magazines. "Not in our La-Z-Pope reclining chairs or
even in our Popesturepedic beds!"

Despite the Pope's record earnings of $42 billion in sales in 2005, an
effective and well-coordinated Muslim boycott could spell trouble for the
Vatican City-based domestic-products giant and religion. Although the
majority of its customers are Christian, a growing 19 percent are Muslim.

"There's no question about the Church's solvency, but a concerted effort
by
this important retail base could significantly affect the Vatican's yearly
outlook," Goldman-Sachs retail analyst Jennifer Blaisdell said. "If it
happens, Pope Benedict is going to have to answer to the Cardinals in the
boardroom."

"A boycott will mean great sacrifice," Cairo protester Zahoor Ismail said.
"My wife will have to buy our children's back-to-madrasah clothing from
somewhere besides ValuPope, and we will put off buying that PopeScan
30-inch
TV we've been saving up for. But as devout Muslims, it is our duty to
reject
these material goods and turn inward, to our own righteous manufacturers
of
affordable, quality products."

"We will rain down death and destroy profits wherever the infidel is
found,
from the rivers of Diet Papal Cola to the mountains of Pope-Tarts."

Sheikh Hashim Abu al-Khoei

While the Vatican would remain strong in the Western processed-food market
with its popular Pope-Ums sliced-mackerel sandwich fixings and Dios Mio
Frozen Enchilada Dinners, a boycott could all but shut down the Church's
Levantine Foods division, which produces the popular Jiffy-Pope Microwave
Falafel Mix, currently a top seller throughout the Arab world.

In addition, PVC pipe, aluminum siding, and fiberglass insulation produced
by the Church's building-materials arm, PopeDepot Inc., could also face
the
threat of drastically reduced sales in Muslim countries.

Some Muslims, however, are reluctant to join such a sweeping boycott. "I
am
a Muslim warrior, and I will gladly take to the streets in wrathful
indignation," Malaysian-born Montreal resident Ridhuan Amir said. "But
papal
products mean higher quality. He may be the great infidel, but the fact
is,
he makes the best odor-absorbing scoopable cat litter on the market."

Hoping to quell the crisis, the Vatican released a statement expressing
regret over the Pope's remarks and reaffirmed his respect for the Islamic
faith in his goods, announcing plans to offer its own line of long-burning
Li'l Benedict effigy dolls, with prices starting at $39.95.
--------------------------------------------------------------

© Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

Looks like tough economic days are ahead for the Vatican!

;-)

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53595/print/

Muslims To Boycott All Pope Merchandise

October 4, 2006 | Issue 42.40

KARACHI, PAKISTAN - In what appears to be the latest sign of a widening
gulf
between the Muslim world and the West, Islamic leaders upset over Pope
Benedict XIV's recent controversial remarks about the nature of their
religion are urging the Muslim faithful to boycott any and all products
bearing the Pope's seal of approval.

Sheikh Othman Malik led a demonstration in Karachi Monday.

"We are sending a message to Rome that they cannot insult the prophet, may
Allah's blessings be upon him, and if they do, we will close our hearts
and
our pocketbooks to their extensive line of retail products," said
Pakistani
cleric Sheikh Othman Malik, who spoke to an estimated crowd of 10,000 in
downtown Karachi Monday. "Our only recourse is to refuse to buy
anything-be
it candles, incense, Pope Oaties breakfast cereal, Popeshine shampoo, or
Craftspope-brand power tools-and, by destroying consumer confidence, bring
the worshipper of the cross and all his subsidiaries to their knees."

Added Malik, "We must remind everyone that it is the oppressed buyer who
makes the Roman Catholic Church the second-largest manufacturer of
consumer
goods in the world."

Although the Karachi protest was mostly peaceful, a downtown Stop N' Pope
grocery store's windows were smashed, and in the northwest suburbs a
fiberglass statue of the Mitre Man mascot was reportedly seized from a
Vatican Tires outlet and set ablaze.

ValuPope Super Centers are bracing for the boycott spearheaded by Sheikh
Othman Malik.

"We will not rest," said protester Ibrahim Meghwar, standing behind a
burning pile of Pople magazines. "Not in our La-Z-Pope reclining chairs or
even in our Popesturepedic beds!"

Despite the Pope's record earnings of $42 billion in sales in 2005, an
effective and well-coordinated Muslim boycott could spell trouble for the
Vatican City-based domestic-products giant and religion. Although the
majority of its customers are Christian, a growing 19 percent are Muslim.

"There's no question about the Church's solvency, but a concerted effort
by
this important retail base could significantly affect the Vatican's yearly
outlook," Goldman-Sachs retail analyst Jennifer Blaisdell said. "If it
happens, Pope Benedict is going to have to answer to the Cardinals in the
boardroom."

"A boycott will mean great sacrifice," Cairo protester Zahoor Ismail said.
"My wife will have to buy our children's back-to-madrasah clothing from
somewhere besides ValuPope, and we will put off buying that PopeScan
30-inch
TV we've been saving up for. But as devout Muslims, it is our duty to
reject
these material goods and turn inward, to our own righteous manufacturers
of
affordable, quality products."

"We will rain down death and destroy profits wherever the infidel is
found,
from the rivers of Diet Papal Cola to the mountains of Pope-Tarts."

Sheikh Hashim Abu al-Khoei

While the Vatican would remain strong in the Western processed-food market
with its popular Pope-Ums sliced-mackerel sandwich fixings and Dios Mio
Frozen Enchilada Dinners, a boycott could all but shut down the Church's
Levantine Foods division, which produces the popular Jiffy-Pope Microwave
Falafel Mix, currently a top seller throughout the Arab world.

In addition, PVC pipe, aluminum siding, and fiberglass insulation produced
by the Church's building-materials arm, PopeDepot Inc., could also face
the
threat of drastically reduced sales in Muslim countries.

Some Muslims, however, are reluctant to join such a sweeping boycott. "I
am
a Muslim warrior, and I will gladly take to the streets in wrathful
indignation," Malaysian-born Montreal resident Ridhuan Amir said. "But
papal
products mean higher quality. He may be the great infidel, but the fact
is,
he makes the best odor-absorbing scoopable cat litter on the market."

Hoping to quell the crisis, the Vatican released a statement expressing
regret over the Pope's remarks and reaffirmed his respect for the Islamic
faith in his goods, announcing plans to offer its own line of long-burning
Li'l Benedict effigy dolls, with prices starting at $39.95.
--------------------------------------------------------------

© Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.