WASHINGTON, DC-The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population
provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday,
handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again.

"The Republican party-the party of industrial mega-capitalists, corporate
financiers, power brokers, and the moneyed elite-would like to thank the
undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar workers in Middle
America, and the God-fearing underpriviledged minorities who voted George W.
Bush back into office," Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush, told reporters at
a press conference Monday. "You have selflessly sacrificed your well-being
and voted against your own economic interest. For this, we humbly thank
you."

Added Rove: "You have acted beyond the call of duty-or, for that matter,
good sense."

According to Rove, the Republicans found strong support in non-urban areas
populated by the people who would have benefited most from the lower-income
tax cuts and social-service programs championed by Kerry. Regardless of
their own interests, these citizens turned out in record numbers to elect
conservatives into office at all levels of the government.

"My family's been suffering ever since I lost my job at the screen-door
factory, and I haven't seen a doctor for well on four years now," said
father of four Buddy Kaldrin of Eerie, CO. "*****, I don't even remember what
a dentist's chair looks like... Basically, I'd give up if it weren't for
God's grace. So it's good to know we have a president who cares about
religion, too."

Kaldrin added: "That's why I always vote straight-ticket Republican, just
like my daddy did, before he lost the farm and shot himself in the head, and
just like his daddy did, before he died of black-lung disease in the company
coal mines."

Kaldrin was one of many who listed moral issues among their primary reasons
for voting Republican.



"Our society is falling apart-our treasured values are under attack by
terrorists," said Ellen Blaine of Givens, OH, a tiny rural farming community
as likely to be attacked by terrorists as it is to be hit by a meteor. "We
need someone with old-time morals in the White House. I may not have much of
anything in this world, but at least I have my family."

"John Kerry is a flip-flopper," she continued. "I saw it on TV. Who knows
what terrible things might've happened to my sons overseas if he'd been put
in charge?"

Kerry supporters also turned out in large numbers this year, but they were
outnumbered by those citizens who voted for Bush.

"The alliance between the tiny fraction at the top of the pyramid and the
teeming masses of mouth-breathers at its enormous base has never been
stronger," a triumphant Bush said. "We have an understanding, them and us.
They help us stay rich, and in return, we help them stay poor. See? No
matter what naysayers may think, the system works."

Added Bush: "God bless America's backwards hicks, lunchpail-toting
blockheads, doddering elderly, and bumpity-car-driving Spanish-speakers."