Republican Leaders Finalize
Details of Faith-Based Programs
Washington, Nov. 6--Leading Republican Senators and Congressmen have already
agreed on the major prongs of their forthcoming revolution throughout the
nation. Given the decisive role played by religious voters in the recent
election, most Republican goals are centered on new Faith-Based intiatives
and legislation. Though these leaders declined to be named at present, it
will not be long before you hear of these goals in a great many areas:
FAITH-BASED EDUCATION: All teachers, courses, and curricula will need to
actively respond to Faith-Based criteria. This means that God must be
taught in all our classrooms as the root source of all other teachings.
Reading, writing, arithmetic and all more advanced studies must be centered
in God. For the purposes of this soon-to-be-enacted legislation, only the
God of certain religions will be considered valid. These religions are
catholicism, born-again fundamentalist protestantism, and mormonism. Those
professing other belief systems or anything remotely resembling atheism or
agnosticism will be asked to kneel down in a spirt of humility and accept
the decision of the voters as the only acceptable religion for our nation.
FAITH-BASED HEALTH CARE: Republican leaders have decided to bypass the
entire Medicare/Health Care debate by making doctors and the drugs they
prescribe available only to members of the approved religions.
FAITH-BASED SCIENCE: Scientists can no longer proceed on the basis of
skepticism and so-called objectivity but must submit their studies to the
useful discipline of Faith-Based Findings. This means that evolution can no
longer be taught anywhere in American schools and all research that violates
the integrity of the embryo must be immediately halted. Our president will
soon announce a national referendum on the truth of Creationism and the
falsehood of evolution, and influential Washington leaders agree that it is
certain to pass. Thus, it will soon be unconstitutional to uphold any
doctrine other than Faith-Based Creationism.
FAITH-BASED SEXUAL CONDUCT: From now on all sexual conduct must be
undertaken solely by adults of opposite sexes in only one approved
configuration: the divine Missionary position. Installing the necessary
network of cameras and surveillance monitors to ensure this outcome will
provide a great boost to our economy and significantly reduce our
unemployment rate. The porn industry will immediately be liquidated, though
the thousands of actors and technicians thrown out of work by these changes
should have no problem finding jobs in the morality surveillance field,
provided they pass a Faith-Based Reducation test, since they may have gained
a number of useful skills that can help them in their new profession.
FAITH-BASED INFORMATION SERVICES: All TV, radio, magazine, and newspaper
workers must also pass Faith-Based written and oral exams before they can
hope to be rehired and must provide strong evidence that they have realized
the errors of their ways. The only exceptions will of course be recognized
Faith-Based reporters with a strong track record of telling it like it
should be.
FAITH-BASED FOREIGN RELATIONS: All other nations and their leaders will be
judged--and rewarded or punished--on the basis of their introducing American
Faith-Based policies in their own countries. Just as the US has achieved
outstanding success in preventing sexual diseases by withholding
contraceptives to Africans, South Americans, and Asians, so we will also
prove triumphant in our struggle to make the world safe for our Faith-Based
system of programs
These are only a few of the Faith-Based changes that our leaders will soon
be announcing in Washington. At that time the identity of these leaders
will become amply clear. Stay tuned for further developments.
And never pause to doubt:
"A Faith-Based Nation is a Righteous Nation"
.
|
