Now, at long last some NEW Republican dolls to coincide with their aging
gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Condi Doll. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living and Oprah's "O".
2. Hot Flash Coulter. Press Ann's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet
red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With scotch
glass. handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Jenna . As Jenna's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barb Bush. Hide Barb's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier, sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: moo-moos with
tummy support panels are included!
5. Bunions Condi. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Condie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the
pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Ann Coulter. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle and Eye Plaster from Ann's own line of
exclusive liberal-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom from Texas Doll. All that experience as a cheerleader is
really paying off as Texas Republican Mom dusts off her old high school
megaphone to root for Condi and Jeb '08. With mini van in Robin's egg blue
or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes, cocaine with fruit punch
and Jack Daniel's.
8. Mid-life Crisis Limpballs Doll. It's time to ditch Rush. Rush needs a
change, and Sven (his personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered,
along with Prozac. They're hopping into Sven's new red Miata and heading for
the Napa Valley to open a Turkish Bathhouse. Comes with real tape of
"Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" and a case of KY-Lube Jelly.
9. Divorced Bush doll. Sells for $999.99. Comes with George's ranch house,
coke spoon, all of George's boyfriends, Ghosts of George's executions and
George's spied on internet connection.
10. Single Mother Condi doll. There's not much time for primping anymore!
George's shacked up with the French pool boy, Yves in the Dream House and
Laura's across town with Tom DeLay, in a fourth-floor walkup. Condie's
selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete
garage sale kit included.
11. Recovery Jenna. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean
and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of
The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke along with presciption to Valium.
12. Post Menopausal Barbara. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of
Anderson Vanderbilt-Cooper sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking
the channels. Comes with Dependz and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she
comes with the book, "Getting In Touch with Your Clitoris".
Embellishments welcome.
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