Custodians at the National Cathedral reportedly discovered the inebriated,
semi-conscious personage of the missing Senator Tubby Kennedy wedged under
an old pew in the basement of the cathedral this evening as they returned
their equipment to the basement after cleaning the cathedral.
Kennedy had reportedly thrown the empty canteen onto the floor in a drunken
rage and was attempting to pull a full one to his mouth when the noise of
the metal canteen bouncing on the stone floor alerted the custodians to his
presence.
Kennedy had apparently become caught under the heavy woodwork, because two
of the three quart-sized canteens previously filled with Irish Whiskey, or
bourbon had trapped the senator between the stone floor and the 900 pound
pew.
"It was lucky for him that we heard him," said one of the custodians. "We
wouldn't have been back in the basement until next week, and he could have
died from dehydration with only one canteen of whiskey to keep him going."
"We had a couple of drinks with the senator, and we took up a collection and
got enough together to send him home in a cab."
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