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http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51380
No Leads Sought In *****'s Murder
August 9, 2006 | Issue 42.32
BROOKLYN, NY-The New York Police Department released a statement today
confirming its intention to ignore the brutal slaying of local ***** Don
Hewson, 34, and to avoid pursuing leads as long as possible. "Mr. Hewson was
found with multiple stab and gunshot wounds in his smug fucking face and
puffed-up chest, and while we recovered a number of weapons, we are neither
testing them for prints nor tracing any serial numbers," Detective Travis
Calloway said. "Nor will we follow up on the explicit eye-witness
descriptions of the car seen leaving the scene, the calls to Hewson's phone,
or interview the scores of people who had good reason to want this guy dead.
There may have been a murder here, but we're having a hard time identifying
any actual crime." Calloway said anyone calling NYPD's crime hotline with
information on the murder would be eligible for fines of up to $10,000.
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