Stars starving for attention
By MARK STEYN

Very old Hollywood joke:

Starving beggar with tin cup: "I haven't eaten for three days."

Zsa Zsa Gabor: "Dahlink, I wish I had your will power."

Up-to-the-minute Hollywood joke, from Agence-France Presse:

"U.S. Stars Align In Anti-Iraq War Hunger Strike.

"Star Hollywood actor-activists including Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon
and anti-war campaigners led by bereaved mother Cindy Sheehan plan to
launch a hunger strike, demanding the immediate return of U.S. troops
from Iraq.

"As Americans get set to fire up barbeques in patriotic celebration of
U.S. Independence Day on July 4, anti-war protesters planned to savor
a last meal outside the White House before embarking on a 'Troops Home
Fast' at midnight...

"Penn, Sarandon, novelist Alice Walker and actor Danny Glover will
join a 'rolling' fast, a relay in which 2,700 activists pledge to
refuse food for at least 24 hours, and then hand over to a comrade."

So Sean Penn is starving himself to death, but just for a day?
Brilliant! If Gandhi had been that smart, he'd still have a movie
career. Willie Nelson and Michael Moore are also among those
participating in the "rolling fast," which in Michael's case will
involve going without the roll. Greater love hath no man than to lay
down his lunch for his friends.

"We have been continually sheltered from the actual cost of war from
the beginning," says human-rights activist Meredith Dearborn. "Now it
is time to bring the pain and suffering of war home. We are putting
our bodies on the line for peace." And nothing brings home the pain
and suffering of war like a Hollywood celebrity forgoing the soup du
jour.

All over the country, horrified Americans will be staring at Susan
Sarandon and going, "Darling, you look fabulous! Did you lose five
pounds?" Already, fans are said to be shocked at discovering Billy
Crystal lunching at Spago with a whimpering, moaning Meg Ryan:
"Aaaaooouuueurrrrggh, no, oh, no, oh, aaaeauugheepheuneugaaaoooo, no,
no!"

"When Harry Met Sally 2"?

"No, she skipped the second endive."

At adjoining tables, other celebrities rushed to show their support
for the anti-war movement: "I'll not have what she's not having."
Winona Ryder is telling waiters, "Hold the haunch of venison." Keira
Knightley is saying, "Hey, I'll just go with the short stack this
morning. And the lo-fat simulated-maple syrup substitute." Ice T has
given up iced tea.

Disgusted by the callousness of the Bush war machine, William Powell
and Myrna Loy have decided to go without the olive in their fourth
martini. Willie Nelson is said to be gaunt and sounding croaky. Moore,
hovering dangerously at 300 pounds, has told friends, "You can never
be too rich but you can be too thin." Molly Ringwald's press agent has
announced his client is starving for publicity.

Tom Cruise was reported as looking physically shrunken, but then put
his elevator shoes back on. Demonstrating yet again his strong
personal commitment to political activism, George Clooney has
delegated his rolling fast to his stunt double for insurance reasons.
Yoko Ono has released a new all-star charity single of "Give Peas A
Chance." In the forthcoming James Bond movie, 007 is tossed into a
tank of ravenous sharks, but they refuse to eat him and, in a savage
indictment of Bush foreign policy, sip their mineral water in a
desultory fashion for 20 minutes before calling for the check.

America's greatest living war hero and simultaneous anti-war hero,
John Kerry, pledged his own passionate support for the crusade of his
celebrity friends: "I ordered the banana cream pie before I sent it
back."

Personally, if celebrities have to "put their bodies on the line for
peace," I'd much rather see them bulk up. How about if Cameron Diaz
and Gwyneth Paltrow promise to put on 20 pounds for every month Bush
refuses to end his illegal war?

Absent that, it's hard to see what a "rolling fast" does except
confirm the vague suspicion one or two Americans may harbor that
politically active celebrities are a lot of vain dilettantes unwilling
to discombobulate their pampered lifestyles. It's unclear whether any
of these celebrities will be "starving" long enough even to feel
hungry. Bobby Sands and the IRA hunger strikers of the 1980s were
never going to force Mrs. Thatcher to back down, but at least they did
actually starve themselves to death.

How about if the celebs did that? Wouldn't that, after all, get right
to the heart of the matter? Wouldn't that bring piercing clarity to
the issue by forcing the American people to choose between tedious
geopolitical responsibilities and Jennifer Aniston? Imagine if the
flailing neocon warmongers had to explain to the American people why
we were now down to one Dixie Chick. Bush would be cowering in the
Oval Office while his spinmeisters attempted futile damage control on
one horror story after another:

=B7Superman tanked at the box office after audiences recoiled in horror
when Brandon Routh's distended belly fell out of his saggy tights in
midflight.

=B7Shooting was halted today on "Basic Instinct 3" when an emaciated
Sharon Stone proved too weak to cross her legs.

=B7The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences warned that, with
three out of five Best Actor nominees dead of starvation, they may be
forced to give the Oscar to Steven Seagal.

=B7In a first for the music industry, two feuding gangsta rappers died
this morning before they could shoot each other. 2Frail 2Fire was
felled by a massive heart attack as he attempted to lift his LadySmith
60LS. Ol' Cadaverous ***** expired from malnutrition a few seconds
later while enjoying a derogatory gloat about the ever-bonier butts of
2Frail 2Fire's ho's and bitches.

=B7Meanwhile, Brad Pitt said filming would go ahead as planned on
"Ocean's Three." Er, "Ocean's Two" ...

The problem for the "activists" is that the entire anti-war movement
is undernourished. Indeed, in all their contempt for America as an
effete narcissistic ninny too soft and self-absorbed to stand any
pain, even al-Qaida couldn't have come up with as withering a parody
of the Great Satan's decadence as a celebrity pseudo-fast. As the
great Shakespearean actor Edmund Kean said on his deathbed: "Dying is
easy. Comedy is hard." Not for Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon.


--
"Science is the record of dead religions." -- Oscar Wilde

"There are no absolute certainties in this universe. A man must try to
whip order into a yelping pack of probabilities, and uniform success is
impossible." -- Jack Vance

"Civilization is the interval between Ice Ages." -- Will Durant.

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography" -- Ambrose Bierce

"Progress is the increasing control of the environment by life.
--Will Durant
=20
Joseph R. Darancette
daranc@NOSPAMverizon.net

Stars starving for attention
By MARK STEYN

Stars starving for attention
By MARK STEYN

Very old Hollywood joke:

Starving beggar with tin cup: "I haven't eaten for three days."

Zsa Zsa Gabor: "Dahlink, I wish I had your will power."

Up-to-the-minute Hollywood joke, from Agence-France Presse:

"U.S. Stars Align In Anti-Iraq War Hunger Strike.

"Star Hollywood actor-activists including Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon
and anti-war campaigners led by bereaved mother Cindy Sheehan plan to
launch a hunger strike, demanding the immediate return of U.S. troops
from Iraq.

"As Americans get set to fire up barbeques in patriotic celebration of
U.S. Independence Day on July 4, anti-war protesters planned to savor
a last meal outside the White House before embarking on a 'Troops Home
Fast' at midnight...

"Penn, Sarandon, novelist Alice Walker and actor Danny Glover will
join a 'rolling' fast, a relay in which 2,700 activists pledge to
refuse food for at least 24 hours, and then hand over to a comrade."

So Sean Penn is starving himself to death, but just for a day?
Brilliant! If Gandhi had been that smart, he'd still have a movie
career. Willie Nelson and Michael Moore are also among those
participating in the "rolling fast," which in Michael's case will
involve going without the roll. Greater love hath no man than to lay
down his lunch for his friends.

"We have been continually sheltered from the actual cost of war from
the beginning," says human-rights activist Meredith Dearborn. "Now it
is time to bring the pain and suffering of war home. We are putting
our bodies on the line for peace." And nothing brings home the pain
and suffering of war like a Hollywood celebrity forgoing the soup du
jour.

All over the country, horrified Americans will be staring at Susan
Sarandon and going, "Darling, you look fabulous! Did you lose five
pounds?" Already, fans are said to be shocked at discovering Billy
Crystal lunching at Spago with a whimpering, moaning Meg Ryan:
"Aaaaooouuueurrrrggh, no, oh, no, oh, aaaeauugheepheuneugaaaoooo, no,
no!"

"When Harry Met Sally 2"?

"No, she skipped the second endive."

At adjoining tables, other celebrities rushed to show their support
for the anti-war movement: "I'll not have what she's not having."
Winona Ryder is telling waiters, "Hold the haunch of venison." Keira
Knightley is saying, "Hey, I'll just go with the short stack this
morning. And the lo-fat simulated-maple syrup substitute." Ice T has
given up iced tea.

Disgusted by the callousness of the Bush war machine, William Powell
and Myrna Loy have decided to go without the olive in their fourth
martini. Willie Nelson is said to be gaunt and sounding croaky. Moore,
hovering dangerously at 300 pounds, has told friends, "You can never
be too rich but you can be too thin." Molly Ringwald's press agent has
announced his client is starving for publicity.

Tom Cruise was reported as looking physically shrunken, but then put
his elevator shoes back on. Demonstrating yet again his strong
personal commitment to political activism, George Clooney has
delegated his rolling fast to his stunt double for insurance reasons.
Yoko Ono has released a new all-star charity single of "Give Peas A
Chance." In the forthcoming James Bond movie, 007 is tossed into a
tank of ravenous sharks, but they refuse to eat him and, in a savage
indictment of Bush foreign policy, sip their mineral water in a
desultory fashion for 20 minutes before calling for the check.

America's greatest living war hero and simultaneous anti-war hero,
John Kerry, pledged his own passionate support for the crusade of his
celebrity friends: "I ordered the banana cream pie before I sent it
back."

Personally, if celebrities have to "put their bodies on the line for
peace," I'd much rather see them bulk up. How about if Cameron Diaz
and Gwyneth Paltrow promise to put on 20 pounds for every month Bush
refuses to end his illegal war?

Absent that, it's hard to see what a "rolling fast" does except
confirm the vague suspicion one or two Americans may harbor that
politically active celebrities are a lot of vain dilettantes unwilling
to discombobulate their pampered lifestyles. It's unclear whether any
of these celebrities will be "starving" long enough even to feel
hungry. Bobby Sands and the IRA hunger strikers of the 1980s were
never going to force Mrs. Thatcher to back down, but at least they did
actually starve themselves to death.

How about if the celebs did that? Wouldn't that, after all, get right
to the heart of the matter? Wouldn't that bring piercing clarity to
the issue by forcing the American people to choose between tedious
geopolitical responsibilities and Jennifer Aniston? Imagine if the
flailing neocon warmongers had to explain to the American people why
we were now down to one Dixie Chick. Bush would be cowering in the
Oval Office while his spinmeisters attempted futile damage control on
one horror story after another:

=B7Superman tanked at the box office after audiences recoiled in horror
when Brandon Routh's distended belly fell out of his saggy tights in
midflight.

=B7Shooting was halted today on "Basic Instinct 3" when an emaciated
Sharon Stone proved too weak to cross her legs.

=B7The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences warned that, with
three out of five Best Actor nominees dead of starvation, they may be
forced to give the Oscar to Steven Seagal.

=B7In a first for the music industry, two feuding gangsta rappers died
this morning before they could shoot each other. 2Frail 2Fire was
felled by a massive heart attack as he attempted to lift his LadySmith
60LS. Ol' Cadaverous ***** expired from malnutrition a few seconds
later while enjoying a derogatory gloat about the ever-bonier butts of
2Frail 2Fire's ho's and bitches.

=B7Meanwhile, Brad Pitt said filming would go ahead as planned on
"Ocean's Three." Er, "Ocean's Two" ...

The problem for the "activists" is that the entire anti-war movement
is undernourished. Indeed, in all their contempt for America as an
effete narcissistic ninny too soft and self-absorbed to stand any
pain, even al-Qaida couldn't have come up with as withering a parody
of the Great Satan's decadence as a celebrity pseudo-fast. As the
great Shakespearean actor Edmund Kean said on his deathbed: "Dying is
easy. Comedy is hard." Not for Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon.

--
"Science is the record of dead religions." -- Oscar Wilde

"There are no absolute certainties in this universe. A man must try to
whip order into a yelping pack of probabilities, and uniform success is
impossible." -- Jack Vance

"Civilization is the interval between Ice Ages." -- Will Durant.

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography" -- Ambrose Bierce

"Progress is the increasing control of the environment by life.
--Will Durant
=20
Joseph R. Darancette
daranc@NOSPAMverizon.net