Politics > Politics-USA > The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen
| Topic: |
Politics > Politics-USA |
| User: |
"Important News Alert!" |
| Date: |
11 Nov 2004 04:31:17 AM |
| Object: |
The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
It reads :
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot-dogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "*****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
of speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
.
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| User: "Brian" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 10:06:50 AM |
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|
<SNIP amusing article>
What, you've got to be kidding? After a convincing act of pretending to lose
a war to get rid of them, why would we want them back?
.
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| User: "Ken [NY]" |
|
| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:03:51 AM |
|
|
On Wed, 10 Nov 2004 16:06:50 -0000, "Brian" <brian@snailmaill.com>
claims:
<SNIP amusing article>
What, you've got to be kidding? After a convincing act of pretending to lose
a war to get rid of them, why would we want them back?
Sorry if I am a bit picky, but that would be TWO wars.
Cordially,
Ken (NY)
email: http://www.geocities.com/bluesguy68/email.htm
spammers can send mail to
.
|
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| User: "bigboard" |
|
| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:52:45 AM |
|
|
Ken [NY] wrote:
On Wed, 10 Nov 2004 16:06:50 -0000, "Brian" <brian@snailmaill.com>
claims:
<SNIP amusing article>
What, you've got to be kidding? After a convincing act of pretending to
lose a war to get rid of them, why would we want them back?
Sorry if I am a bit picky, but that would be TWO wars.
How many wars of independance were there?
--
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject.
-- Winston Churchill
.
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| User: "Cdn" |
|
| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 03:49:46 PM |
|
|
"Important News Alert!" <PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:2veqkjF2ku5lnU1@uni-berlin.de...
It reads :
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally,
you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot-dogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "*****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
own
or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler
in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with
the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone
of speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read.
.
|
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| User: "Ken [NY]" |
|
| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:13:38 AM |
|
|
On Wed, 10 Nov 2004 21:49:46 GMT, "Cdn" <iam@canadian.ca> claims:
"Important News Alert!" <PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:2veqkjF2ku5lnU1@uni-berlin.de...
It reads :
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally,
you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot-dogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "*****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
own
or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler
in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with
the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone
of speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read.
Oh, the gall of those people! Thinking they can overthrow the
government of the United States, the world's oldest continuous form of
government?
Cordially,
Ken (NY)
email: http://www.geocities.com/bluesguy68/email.htm
spammers can send mail to
.
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| User: "john browne" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:48:32 AM |
|
|
"Ken [NY]" <email@Below.Text> wrote in message
news:qr37p01v60i0ehglgnkngbhq5f7pdvp23t@4ax.com...
On Wed, 10 Nov 2004 21:49:46 GMT, "Cdn" <iam@canadian.ca> claims:
Oh, the gall of those people! Thinking they can overthrow the
government of the United States, the world's oldest continuous form of
government?
Don't let the Icelanders hear you saying that, they might kill your King,
George Bush II
.
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| User: "Ken [NY]" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
12 Nov 2004 08:34:00 AM |
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On Thu, 11 Nov 2004 16:48:32 -0000, "john browne"
<dugdale@hotmail.com> claims:
"Ken [NY]" <email@Below.Text> wrote in message
news:qr37p01v60i0ehglgnkngbhq5f7pdvp23t@4ax.com...
On Wed, 10 Nov 2004 21:49:46 GMT, "Cdn" <iam@canadian.ca> claims:
Oh, the gall of those people! Thinking they can overthrow the
government of the United States, the world's oldest continuous form of
government?
Don't let the Icelanders hear you saying that, they might kill your King,
George Bush II
I would just remind Icelanders that their constitution was
written in 1944 when their country became a Republic with a
parliamentary government, long after we had kicked King George's
troops out of America.
Cordially,
Ken (NY)
email: http://www.geocities.com/bluesguy68/email.htm
spammers can send mail to
.
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| User: "Kel" |
|
| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
12 Nov 2004 12:50:13 PM |
|
|
"Important News Alert!" <PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:2veqkjF2ku5lnU1@uni-berlin.de...
It reads :
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally,
you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot-dogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "*****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
own
or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler
in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with
the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone
of speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Very, very funny. Well done.
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| User: "Alfred Einstead" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 03:26:12 PM |
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"Important News Alert!" <PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com> wrote:
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories.
You mean: recovation of the treaty signed following the end of the war.
I don't think this can be done, except via an act of war.
Second,
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections.
The Prime Minister does not get to do anything. It's the queen who
does. She will appoint a Governor General for the United States. A
minister is selected by a popular vote election (with runoff, if
necessary), or by whatever other means that parliamentary systems
choose leaders.
Third,
The monarchical titles are independent of the question of British
sovereignty. In particular, the Queen of Canada, of Australia,
and of Britain -- though all comprising the same person -- are
nonetheless separate offices. Britain does not have sovereignty
over Australia or Canada.
The most you can say is that the *Commonwealth* has sovereignty
over all its members. But this is entirely separate from the
*state* comprising the United Kingdom of Great Britain
and Northern Island.
It's
Commonwealth --> Britain
|
*---> Australia
|
*---> Canada
or formerly
Empire --> Britain
|
*--> Australia
|
*--> Canada
|
*--> India (which had separate League of Nations membership)
(Emperor/Empress of India was a separate title)
*not*
Britain --> Australia
|
*------> Canada
nor even formerly
Britain --> Australia
|
*------> Canada
|
*------> India
Fourth,
It is entirely possible to incorporate a more formal union of the
Commonwealth and the United States which does entirely creative
things with these arrows ...
====================
From me.
From news://uk.politics.misc; news://us.politics; April 16, 2003
Subject: Political Union -- The Reconciliation Act
Simultaneously:
(A) Formal admission of the United States within the Commonwealth
(B) Formal admission of Great Britain into the United States
along with:
(C) The pound to become legal tender in the US, the dollar in Britain;
both currencies set at a permanent fixed exchange rate.
(D) A Commonwealth-level supreme judiciary formed, which supersedes
the supreme courts of member nations for matters not originating
entirely from within a single nation. The United States supreme
court's authority is not extended to Britain. The British supreme
court is to be one and the same as that of the Commonwealth.
(E) Formal recognition in the United States of a Governor General,
mainly as a figurehead.
(F) Representation in the US congress for Britain.
(G) Separate tax codes retained for in-nation commerce and
enterprises; Commonwealth tax code for cross-nation commerce
and enterprises.
(H) Removal of travel and trade restrictions; reconciliation of
immigration laws and standards.
(I) The Anglican Church becomes the established religion of the
Commonwealth, but not of all of its member states individually.
No established religion for the United States or Britain.
[A subtle distinction, since the Commonwealth is based in London].
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| User: "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells" |
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| Title: Democrats beat Republicans....LITERALLY! :-) |
10 Nov 2004 06:49:25 PM |
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HIGH SCHOOL ATTACK: KERRY TAUNTS TIED TO FIGHT
Wed Nov 10 2004 09:55:52 ET
Three high school students face charges for using a bat to beat another
student who taunted them about being John Kerry supporters days after the
contentious election.
The 17-year-old Apple Valley victim was assaulted Thursday in a Minnesota
Zoo parking lot near Apple Valley's School of Environmental Studies, better
known as the zoo school. Chad McKay, also 17, stood over the victim
attempting to protect him.
"It's a good thing to see young people interested and excited about
politics," said Dakota County Attorney James Backstrom. "It's obviously very
disturbing to see this kind of violence over it."
The SAINT PAUL PIONEER PRESS reported in morning editions: The argument
began earlier in the day Thursday with a discussion about candidates the
minors had supported for president, Backstrom said. The two victims
supported President Bush.
"We were sitting in the computer room at school, and there was kind of a
political debate," said Chad McKay of Arden Hills. "Some people said only
gay people vote for Bush." Chad said the victim said "only gay people would
vote for Kerry because he supports gay marriage"
Backstrom said the victims then "called the other guys some names."
Chad said later in the afternoon when he and the victim were walking to
their cars they heard their three senior classmates yelling at them,
according to the police report.
Chad got to his car, but the three 17-year-olds attacked the victim, he
said, hitting him in face, including with a baseball bat and kicking him.
One boy had a padlock wrapped around his finger, Chad said.
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| User: "Shady" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 01:45:31 AM |
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I must say, that 'tis rather 'humorous', my dear chap.
Ironically, I disagree with you the most in regards to sports. American
football, while it may not be as great as many Americans believe, is an
exciting and sophisticated sport. Anyone who has played in high school or
college football know that it is not for "nancies." Just watch a NFL game
and see how hard they tackle. I've watched plenty of soccer (yes, that's
what it's called) and rugby, and it is a bore. As for "rounders" - it
sounds like baseball with everything good about it taken out. We use the
title, "World Series" because the US has the best baseball players in the
world. You can't deny that.
And I'm sorry, the way you use the word, 'aluminium', instead of 'aluminum'
is ridiculous. It sounds silly and takes too long to say things such as
'aluminium foil' and 'aluminium can'. Words such as color should not be
spelled 'colour' because then it would be pronounced as ka-LAH UR (as in
'hour').
How are we to win a war against Quebec and France if we are only allowed to
carry vegetable peelers? Furthermore, despite popular American opinion,
France is a greater country than Britain. I've visited both and have
friends living in both countries. While Britain is a great place, your food
and beer is horrendous. In addition, French people are more sophisticated,
more amiable, better at soccer, and have better taste in fashion, food and
wine.
Calling chips 'crisps' is silly, as well. And drinking warm flat beer is
not much different from drinking urine.
JFK was killed by the government because of the Cuban Missile Crisis. It
was organized by Republicans who are descendents of the Priory of Sion. It
was a tragedy and a shameful time for our nation.
Thank you.
http://finaltruth.blog.com
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| User: "Ken [NY]" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:24:21 AM |
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On Thu, 11 Nov 2004 07:45:31 GMT, "Shady" <dribe@hotmail.com> claims:
Ironically, I disagree with you the most in regards to sports. American
football, while it may not be as great as many Americans believe, is an
exciting and sophisticated sport. Anyone who has played in high school or
college football know that it is not for "nancies." Just watch a NFL game
and see how hard they tackle. I've watched plenty of soccer (yes, that's
what it's called) and rugby, and it is a bore. As for "rounders" - it
sounds like baseball with everything good about it taken out. We use the
title, "World Series" because the US has the best baseball players in the
world. You can't deny that.
I have tried many times to enjoy the sport of English
"football", and it is horribly boring. To me, it seems like every
player tries to get tripped by an opponent, then lies on the turf,
howling and holding his shin, with one eye peeled for the official to
show a yellow colored card. Once the card is displayed, the injured
player springs to his feet like nothing had happened. Football? It
should be called "bad acting". And the fights of the crowds! English
"football" fans are well known to be the most rotten sportsmen in the
world. How the hell could anyone get excited enough about men running
around in their shorts, kicking a soft white ball? Exciting as golf,
but not as athletic.
Cordially,
Ken (NY)
email: http://www.geocities.com/bluesguy68/email.htm
spammers can send mail to
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| User: "bigboard" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 09:56:38 AM |
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Important News Alert! wrote:
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football.
Rubbish. Association Football and Rugby Football are two entirely different
sports.
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| User: "Ken [NY]" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:26:36 AM |
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October 10, 2002 9:00 a.m.
The Auld Sod
Reporting on England.
By John Derbyshire
NRO
Over to England to join a conference on anti-Americanism. Good
conference: thought-provoking ideas from a roomful of conservatives,
including some personal favorites: Roger Kimball, NR's own John
O'Sullivan, Paul Hollander, and others. Some of the contributions,
including mine, will probably be printed up in a forthcoming issue of
that excellent magazine The New Criterion. They will be printed up
somewhere, in any case, and when that happens, I'll let you know. In
the meantime, some impressions of the Auld Sod from a native son.
It was the first time I'd been back in England for four years. That's
not enough time for anything to change very dramatically, of course;
but it's enough time for memories to fade, so that certain things are
striking to the eye and ear. I had forgotten the narrowness of the
roads and the smallness of the cars, the beauty of the countryside
(the conference was at Tunbridge Wells, an old town in rural Kent),
the cheery stoicism of the middle classes, and the truculent swagger
of the lower ones, the layer of gentle irony with which almost every
utterance is coated.
A thing I notice on every visit is how much the actual phonetics of
English speech have changed since my childhood. The honking, braying
upper-class voice has disappeared, or at least no longer dares display
itself in public. So, on the other hand, have a lot of the old
regional dialects. There has been a sort of regression to the mean,
the mean in this case being a modified cockney accent, complete with
dropped h's, glottal stops, "hard" l's, and tortured vowels. The
simple vowel [u], as in "you," for example, has become a diphthong:
"yiuuuw." The diphthong [ou], as in "no," has mutated into something
truly weird, a triphthong or a tetraphthong: "naiouwww."
I don't mind any of this, as if there were any point in minding it. I
observe with cool detachment. I'm not sure I ever loved England,
though I certainly tried. Anyway, we couldn't get on together and I'm
glad I left. After passing through a number of phases of rejection,
guilt, Judas complex, and occasional loathing, I find that now we are
just friends, who don't mind spending half an hour in each other's
company once in a while, all passion spent.
English politics is mostly trivial, since the country just isn't
important any more, but the political scene still has some color and
flavor to it. The current sensation is the revelation that the
famously colorless and boring John Major, the country's last
Conservative prime minister (1990-1997), had a sex affair with a
government colleague back in the 1980s, when he was a junior
government minister.* The lady in question, who seems like a really
nasty piece of work,** has just revealed all in some published
diaries, and the country is trying to get its mind round the concept
of John Major having any kind of sex life at all, let alone an
extramarital affair. There is much hilarity, with jokes about "last of
the gray-hot lovers" flying around. The satirical magazine Private Eye
published a mock diary of Major's, in which he comes downstairs to
find his wife in tears at the breakfast table, a copy of the Times in
front of her. Supposing she is upset from reading about the affair,
Major tries to soothe her, but it turns out her tears are of mirth:
"'It says here you were a sexual athlete, John,' she said, holding her
sides and starting to cry again."
It doesn't help that Major, when prime minister, was the author of a
campaign called "back to basics" - an attempt to promote traditional
morality, family values, and so on.*** Nor does it help that the story
of this affair came out just a few days before the Conservative
party's annual conference. Now the Tories have to go over their
prepared speeches cutting out all references to morality, values,
etc., for fear of the laughs they would raise.
The Conservative party is in a bad way altogether, in fact. The
current leader, Iain Duncan Smith ("Duncan Smith" is his last name),
is a decent and capable man, but has been unable to inspire any
interest among the electorate. The party as a whole is floundering,
never having managed to square the circle of how to present
conservative values in a feminized society drenched in sentimental
hedonism. I heard a radio discussion between representatives of the
three main parties. The Conservative lady was very much on the
defensive: "We do care... we are a compassionate party... we are very
much concerned with those left behind in society..." The Labour
(Clintonite-Left) and Liberal (Naderite-Left) representatives were
scathing. "You say you have programs to help the disadvantaged, but
how will you fund them? You still talk about cutting taxes. How can
you help people without spending money?" The poor woman was reduced to
talking about "reducing waste in government programs," a thing which
of course no one believes can ever be done, and which no one ever got
elected on, anywhere.
British and American politics move in rough synchronization, the large
trends of one being picked up by the other. Britain's leftist parties
brought the nation to the edge of ruin in the late 1970s, so the
people elected a radical conservative, Margaret Thatcher. A year and a
half later, the same thing happened in the U.S. Then, in the early
1990s, America's leftist parties made their peace with big business
and learned to hide their government-expanding,
national-sovereignty-eroding schemes behind a mask of "compassion," so
that a pain-feeling, tear-squeezing, internationalist charlatan could
get elected. Four years later, Britain's leftists pulled off the same
stunt.
There are key differences, though. That exchange on the radio reminded
me how fortunate we are in the U.S.A. to have large, vigorous blocks
of conservative voters, fired up about some one particular issue — the
gun lobby, the anti-abortion lobby, Christian conservatives, Tenth
Amendment enthusiasts, immigration restrictionists, opponents of race
quotas. Without these activists to see him safe home, George Bush
would have gone down in 2000 mumbling ineffectually about reducing
government waste, like that doomed Tory on the radio. There is no gun
lobby in Britain, there are no anti-abortion campaigners, no
significant Christian groups, no Rush Limbaugh, no NRO. There is only
the near-universal conviction that huge numbers of citizens, being too
feeble-spirited to care for themselves, need to have their lives lived
for them, and that the best people to organize this puppet show are
government officials, and that the more of these officials there are,
and the more revenue the government raises, the happier and more
secure everyone will be, and the more stuff they will have.
There was a revealing little glimpse of the country's ever-feebler
attachment to democracy when the United Nations issued a report
criticizing England and Wales for permitting parents to physically
chastise their children. (In Scotland, which has a different legal
system, spanking is already illegal.) Instead of telling the U.N.
busybody to go have relations with a flying Lifesaver, as the
spokesman of a confident and psychologically healthy nation would, the
British minister charged with responding to this sinister little
impertinence merely whimpered that the government was doing its best,
that more certainly needed to be done, that progress was being made...
It is easy, and pleasant, to imagine how Winston Churchill or Margaret
Thatcher would have reacted. But there are no Churchills or Thatchers
in Britain today, and any such person who showed up would never be
permitted to rise in any current political party.
Speaking of Thatcher, I heard the most plausible explanation yet of
Tony Blair's support for war against Iraq, in defiance of large
sections of his party. "He's looking for a Falklands factor," said my
informant, who is wise in the ways of British politics. "Look back at
the Thatcher governments. They only really got going after '82. That
victory in the Falklands gave her the energy and authority to push
through her domestic programs and turn the country round. Tony's
hoping that a win against Iraq will do the same for him." This sounds
quite plausible to me, though I speak as a person desperate for any
rationalization that will help ward off the idea that Blair might
actually be sincere about something.
And any time I find myself falling into a belief in Blair's sincerity,
I can arrest the slide by looking over to Northern Ireland, where his
policy has been one of ruthless duplicity. Sinn Féin, the main
terrorist-front party, apparently has "moles" operating in the office
of the Northern Ireland Secretary. Last week the police raided Sinn
Féin's parliamentary offices, and arrested a person who seems to have
been intercepting communications not only between London and Belfast,
but even between London and Washington. The White House is said to be
furious. All this sort of thing was supposed to have been ended by the
Good Friday agreement of 1998, which Bill Clinton threw his weight
behind. A great many other things were supposed to have been ended by
that agreement, too, including the intimidation, torture, and murder
of Sinn Féin's political opponents by the terrorist gangsters that SF
fronts for. The people of Ulster had Blair's word that all those
things would stop, and that the terrorist militias would be disarmed.
It was all lies. The intimidation and murder go on, the arms dumps are
unmolested, and Blair does nothing. As the indispensable Kevin
Myersputs it: "Sinn Féin knows that as far as the British government
is concerned, the peace process is Plan A. No other plan exists. The
IRA can therefore do what it likes." No one in Ulster believes a word
out of Tony Blair's mouth; they have learned from bitter experience
not to.
My four days on the Auld Sod was spent in agreeable, quite expensive
surroundings. Tunbridge Wells is "stockbroker belt," as Londoners say.
I stayed the whole time in a very pleasant hotel, with cheerful,
efficient staff and a good kitchen (The Spa Hotel - highly
recommended). I was on expenses, and in that mildly irresponsible
frame of mind that paid-up jaunts away from home put you in. I enjoyed
my stay. I know my old country, though. I know there are places - a
lot of them - not like Tunbridge Wells at all: the kinds of places
Theodore Dalrymple) writes about. I know, also, that Britain has
serious structural problems in her health-care and education systems,
and even in her constitutional arrangements.
Still, mixing with the English, listening to their ready wit and
good-natured grumbling, I can't believe they have altogether lost
their attachment to the ancient liberties. All England needs is a
strong, confident Conservative party to show the way back to
democracy, to personal and national independence under fair laws. I
have a feeling that the inspiration for change this time will flow
from West to East. A clear victory by George W. Bush against America's
enemies will give him a "Falklands factor" - the energy and authority
to tackle America's own structural problems, to enact tort law and
immigration reform, to appoint Supreme Court justices who actually
believe in the Constitution, to roll back taxation, PC social
engineering, and racial guilt-mongering. The political transformation
that follows will, I believe, then be wafted across the Atlantic - the
New World, not for the first time, redressing the balance of the Old.
* Major's father was a vaudeville performer. Major himself made a
career in finance. The joke was, that he had run away from the circus
to join a bank.
** I have to report that she was the member of parliament for South
Derbyshire. And I note in passing that Mark Steyn, in a Daily
Telegraph column about the business, referred to her as a "Jewess." I
had had a vague idea that this was one of those words we aren't
supposed to use any more, like "Negro." Isn't that right? Is Mark out
of line here? Or is it, perhaps, OK in England but not in the States?
Or what? Can someone Jewish and female please enlighten me about the
acceptability or otherwise of "Jewess"? If not, I shall just have to
include it in my next book and see what the copyeditor says.
*** "Back to basics" is now remembered mainly for an incident
involving the government minister who had been given the job of
promoting it. A diligent newspaper reporter discovered that this man
had shared a hotel room with a colleague, also male, on an official
trip to France, and that the room in question had only one bed. Asked
to explain himself, the minister protested that hotels in France are
very expensive while government expense allowances are very stingy,
and that "nothing had happened." One of the London tabloids printed
this self-vindication under the headline BACK TO BACK TO BASICS.
--Mr. Derbyshire is also an NR contributing editor.
Cordially,
Ken (NY)
email: http://www.geocities.com/bluesguy68/email.htm
spammers can send mail to
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| User: "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 03:23:46 PM |
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"Ken [NY]" <email@Below.Text> wrote in message
news:6k47p057gr8d1bdojfk8sfat2db932bkm5@4ax.com...
<snip> The ramblings of someone who sounds like a complete and utter *****.
Is that just the 3 replies then?. Cor, you would think I hit a nerve or
something? :-)
DTW
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| User: "LHB" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 01:29:08 PM |
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Oh hell. Now we'll have to whip your ***** all over again!
LHB-USA
"Important News Alert!" <PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:2veqkjF2ku5lnU1@uni-berlin.de...
It reads :
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
"ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally,
you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot-dogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "*****". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
own
or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler
in
public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with
the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone
of speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
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| User: "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 01:39:57 PM |
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"LHB" <horse@aol.com> wrote in message
news:I4ukd.18$Rh5.55681@news.uswest.net...
Oh hell. Now we'll have to whip your ***** all over again!
I'm sorry but I don't own a donkey?
DTW
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| User: "john browne" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 03:31:08 PM |
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"Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells" <PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com> wrote in
message news:2vf979F2k3im2U1@uni-berlin.de...
"LHB" <horse@aol.com> wrote in message
news:I4ukd.18$Rh5.55681@news.uswest.net...
Oh hell. Now we'll have to whip your ***** all over again!
I'm sorry but I don't own a donkey?
DTW
You misunderstand, allow me to help you.
Americans are a simple child minded folk, they are not allowed to use bad
language until they reach adulthood, a feat which no american has ever
accomplished.
Therefore(thy):-)), they have to use such words as ***** or fanny to denote
such areas as arse or *****.
all americans are fannies or arses.
Despite having exceptionally strong wrists from all the yanking at their
miniscule penises, they still have proportionately more queers in america
than anywhere else with the possible exception of Scotchland.
It is a little known fact that Scotchland and San Francisco are twinned:)
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| User: "Brian" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 04:33:22 PM |
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"john browne" <dugdale@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:2vffkvF2jnpskU1@uni-berlin.de...
"Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells" <PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com> wrote in
message news:2vf979F2k3im2U1@uni-berlin.de...
"LHB" <horse@aol.com> wrote in message
news:I4ukd.18$Rh5.55681@news.uswest.net...
Oh hell. Now we'll have to whip your ***** all over again!
I'm sorry but I don't own a donkey?
DTW
You misunderstand, allow me to help you.
Americans are a simple child minded folk, they are not allowed to use bad
language until they reach adulthood, a feat which no american has ever
accomplished.
Therefore(thy):-)), they have to use such words as ***** or fanny to denote
such areas as arse or *****.
all americans are fannies or arses.
Despite having exceptionally strong wrists from all the yanking at their
miniscule penises, they still have proportionately more queers in america
than anywhere else with the possible exception of Scotchland.
It is a little known fact that Scotchland and San Francisco are twinned:)
Actually, fanny in yank-speak means arse.
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| User: "john browne" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 03:23:15 PM |
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"LHB" <horse@aol.com> wrote in message
news:I4ukd.18$Rh5.55681@news.uswest.net...
Oh hell. Now we'll have to whip your ***** all over again!
When did you whip it the first time?
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| User: "Ken [NY]" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:11:22 AM |
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On Wed, 10 Nov 2004 21:23:15 -0000, "john browne"
<dugdale@hotmail.com> claims:
"LHB" <horse@aol.com> wrote in message
news:I4ukd.18$Rh5.55681@news.uswest.net...
Oh hell. Now we'll have to whip your ***** all over again!
When did you whip it the first time?
First time was:
1781 Jun-Sep - Rochambeau's troops arrived in Newport RI, providing
Washington's army with enough strength to defeat the British in a
major battle. After considering an attack on New York City, they
decide to defeat the smaller force under Cornwallis in Virginia and
make a forced march south to join with Lafayette's troops and the
ships and troops provided by French Admiral de Grasse.
1781 Oct 6-19 - Yorktown (VA) - The British were trapped in a siege by
a combination of American troops, French troops, and a French fleet.
The British surrendered after a long bombardment and several major
assaults that resulted in the capture of the outer redoubts.
(Casualties: 100 allied, 600 British)
Second time:
On January 8, 1815, American forces, under General Jackson, decisively
defeat the British forces trying to capture New Orleans. The battle,
which takes place after the Treaty of Ghent has been signed, is the
most decisive American victory of the war.
http://www.multied.com/1812/NewOrleans.html
Cordially,
Ken (NY)
email: http://www.geocities.com/bluesguy68/email.htm
spammers can send mail to
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| User: "john browne" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:46:48 AM |
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"Ken [NY]" <email@Below.Text> wrote in message
news:bh37p05jbvf82tq21pt3qjrqm814gk41u1@4ax.com...
On Wed, 10 Nov 2004 21:23:15 -0000, "john browne"
<dugdale@hotmail.com> claims:
"LHB" <horse@aol.com> wrote in message
news:I4ukd.18$Rh5.55681@news.uswest.net...
Oh hell. Now we'll have to whip your ***** all over again!
When did you whip it the first time?
First time was:
1781 Jun-Sep - Rochambeau's troops arrived in Newport RI, providing
Washington's army with enough strength to defeat the British in a
major battle. After considering an attack on New York City, they
decide to defeat the smaller force under Cornwallis in Virginia and
make a forced march south to join with Lafayette's troops and the
ships and troops provided by French Admiral de Grasse.
The men in the forces of George Washington would be turning in their graves
in bitter anger at you calling them American forces.
They regarded themselves as British Colonists fighting British Crown forces
in a civil war.
Technically speaking, until the signing of the peace treaty between the
British colonial forces and the British Crown there was no such person as an
American.
1781 Oct 6-19 - Yorktown (VA) - The British were trapped in a siege by
a combination of American troops, French troops, and a French fleet.
The British surrendered after a long bombardment and several major
assaults that resulted in the capture of the outer redoubts.
(Casualties: 100 allied, 600 British)
Second time:
On January 8, 1815, American forces, under General Jackson, decisively
defeat the British forces trying to capture New Orleans.
After a march down the Atlantic seaboard, on the way they burned the
Shitehouse.
They were simply retaking what was theirs, after all the intial engagement
started with Americans trying to take Canada by force.
So again I ask in all honesty, when did you kick our arses?
You never have, despite being closer to home than forces of the Crown.
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| User: "abelard" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
10 Nov 2004 12:18:16 PM |
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On Thu, 11 Nov 2004 10:31:17 -0000, "Important News Alert!"
<PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com>
typed:
It reads :
your date is mis set...please correct it....
--
web site at www.abelard.org - news and comment service, logic,
energy, education, politics, etc >958,884 document calls in a year
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
all that is necessary for [] walk quietly and carry
the triumph of evil is that [] a big stick.
good people do nothing [] trust actions not words
only when it's funny -- roger rabbit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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| User: "Ken [NY]" |
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| Title: Re: The following statement has just been issued by the press Secretary to the Queen |
11 Nov 2004 10:02:39 AM |
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On Thu, 11 Nov 2004 10:31:17 -0000, "Important News Alert!"
<PaulNorthParkREMOVE@hotmail.com> claims:
Dear citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
I am afraid that since you cannot afford to build and own any
genuine, non-miniature aircraft carriers, any forced compliance would
most probably have to involve suicide pilots flying British Airways'
aircraft into US buildings. We'll be waiting.
Cordially,
Ken (NY)
email: http://www.geocities.com/bluesguy68/email.htm
spammers can send mail to
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