"The Phantom" <ghostwhowalks@skullcave.com> Spat the Words

Even better ....

http://www.dumpalink.com/media/1138903567/Frank_Caliendo_Stand-up

the Phantom

Nice. Here's another good one. The Bush Resume.


George W. Bush
The White House, USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
LAW ENFORCEMENT:

I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving
under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine,
and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas
driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

MILITARY:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about
my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was
able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The
company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that
took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil
industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies,
making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most
smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of
billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in
American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my
father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President
after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a
criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over
one billion dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any
12-month period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the
U.S. stock market.
In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their
jobs and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any
administration in U.S. history.
My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil
tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a
U.S. President.
Iam the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the
most corporatecampaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best
friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate
bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate
attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court
during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against
investigation or prosecution.
More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and
refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry
was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be
awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than
any President in U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest
bureaucracy in thehistory of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.
history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United
Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of
war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the
Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of
any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any
one-year period.
After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over
the worst security failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade
Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the
most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy
in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people),
shattering the record for protest against any person in the
history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign
nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the
majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a
cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families
-- in war time.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for
attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of
Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to
world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker
Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin
Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my
father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading & my
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my
Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are
sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE AND MY PARTY WHEN VOTING IN 2006

"Perseid" <eidpers@anti-spam.comcast.net> wrote in message
news:Xns97F8C69A32C1rrfkwrantispamattbic@216.196.97.136...

Dear Friends and Relatives:

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to
raise $5,000,000 for a monument of George W. Bush. We originally
wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was
not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington,
D. C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue
should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue
of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard
Nixon, who never told the truth, since George W. Bush could
never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus,
the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where
he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he
was. He returned not knowing where he had been, decimated the
well-being of the majority of the population while he was
there, and did it all on someone else's money.
Thank you.

George W. Bush Monument Committee