http://www.venganza.org/
OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD
I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to
decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught
along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is
important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for
themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned,
however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.
Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I
and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe
was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we
see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific
evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a
coincidence, put in place by Him.
It is for this reason that I'm writing you today, to formally request that
this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two
theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do
this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I'm sure you see where
we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith,
but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also
allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little
more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster
created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we
have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all
details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over
10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people
claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these
people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the
earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a
carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the
Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that
this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of
Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize
is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is
there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts
that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does
this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with
ease.
I'm sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught
this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that
observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His
chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the
importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why
this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The
concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don't.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes,
and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of
Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the
approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the
last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse
relationship between pirates and global temperature.
In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs.
I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your
students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate
theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal
action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time
when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms
across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent
Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time
for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
Sincerely Yours,
Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.
P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees,
and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.
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