July 2004
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0704/grandpa.html
Will I See My Grandpa Naked After the Rapture?
Dear Pastor,
I learneded in my Left Behind books and my Chick tracts that when the
Rapture comes, Lord Jesus maybe reaching His hand right down out of
Heaven to snatch us up so fast to Glory that He leaves our CLOTHES
behind! My Momma told me that bein’ nekkid and lookin’ at other folks
who is nekkid is just flat out WRONG. I understand that Jesus may be
makin’ Christian folks nekkid in Heaven so He can tell ‘em apart from
all the unsaved folks. But I think the unsaved folks is gonna have
missing heads and body parts from when Jesus killed ‘em, so it will be
easy to tell them apart.
What is really gonna happen, Pastor? When my family gets to Heaven, I
don’t wanna see my grandpa nekkid! He’s gonna want to give me a great
big hug, and I don’t think I’m gonna like it!
Sincerely,
Kimmy Williams (Age 11)
Dear Kimmy,
First let me say it is an absolute joy to hear testimony from a
precious young lady like yourself. It makes me proud that someone at
your age is already reading the Left Behind Series. If you were a
student at Landover Baptist University, you wouldn’t get to that
series of books until the second year of your post-graduate studies in
American English Literature. That you’ve already have read them, and
have a firm understanding of the iron-clad, unavoidable future that
awaits all Christ-fearing folks, is a testament to the success of our
home schooling program.
What amazes me is that you’ve studied the Left Behind series and
referenced your supplemental Chick tracts so carefully that you’ve
noticed the one tiny oversight in these gripping pre-history volumes.
Yes, for while our dear brothers in Christ Tim LaHaye and Jerry B.
Jenkins did a wonderful job channeling God’s gloriously dramatic
premeditated plans for mass genocide into those books, they chose to
omit one important detail of the glorious Rapture. Specifically, that
when Jesus sucks you out of your clothes into Heaven, the force of His
holy vacuum will be so great that it will shear every hair from your
body, every breast and nipple from your chest, and praise God, every
tallywhacker and hoochie that dangles or rests between the sacred legs
of every Bible believing Christian on the face of the earth. Yes! The
Lord will see to it that our clothes, and our vile sex organs are the
only things that get left behind. Shout Glory!
You are probably asking yourself, “Why will Jesus be removing our
reproductive organs and teats before we get to Heaven?” Well, my dear
lady, the answer is quite simple. In Heaven, there'll simply be no
need for genitals. My guess is that the Lord is pretty disgusted
after having to watch His creatures hump away on each other for the
last 4,000 years. I know I’d be! Think of it this way, Jesus and His
Daddy have been sitting up there in Heaven watching the longest
pornographic film ever made, and frankly, they are no longer amused.
So after the Rapture, they will be looking for new ways to get their
kicks.
Post-Rapture, Jesus and His Daddy will be preoccupied with savagely
slaughtering an ungrateful 90% of the world who didn’t give Him 10% of
their paychecks, for having a lifetime of fun at the Lord’s expense.
I get a big old belly laugh when I think about the horrors that await
unsaved people. Why after they get over the initial shock of
discovering that the millions of person-free girdles and jockey shorts
lying around town aren't actually empty after all, but are in fact
filled with the soggy, smelly, disembodied giblets of their former
owners! I tell you, it is gonna be a real hoot to watch the
expressions on their faces from our front row seats in Heaven! Oh
Lordy! I am laughing out loud right now as I am writing this!
And so to answer your question – yes, you and your Grandpappy will be
as naked as a pair of sphynx kittens, skipping down Main Street as
soon as you get through the pearly gates! But don’t fret, dear Kimmy,
for it will not be the nakedness you will have come to know during
your short life. Indeed, because your grandfather’s wrinkled skin
noodle will be hiding in his pleated Dickies on the floor of the
Hemlock Farms rec room, waiting to surprise the first unsuspecting,
unsaved person who happens upon them. And your hairless, stinky
little hoo-hoo will still be clinging - like a thick strip of raw
bacon - to the humid, satiny insides of the little pink panties left
dangling off the seat of your Schwinn 3-speed.
That’s right – for while Heaven may be a nudist colony, all the
residents look like giant walking, talking depantsed Ken and Barbie
dolls – blessedly free of hairy holes and hamhocks from the waist
down!
So, when you are reunited with your grandfather in Heaven, he'll ask
you to sit upon his lap once again. And if you feel that familiar
poke on your thigh, grandpappy will no longer by lying when he says,
"That's only a roll of lifesavers down there, my dear! And it means
I'm happy to see you!"
I hope that clears up any concerns you may have, little Kimmy. See
you after the Rapture!
Yours in Christ,
- Pastor
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| User: "Grantland" |
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| Title: Re: Landover Baptist Church |
28 Jan 2005 09:03:07 AM |
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