Spotted this little number today note; though a parody the matches are
much better than those in "the Know" what post around here!
LB
The prophecies of Ozstradamus
http://blogs.smh.com.au/thedailytruth/archives/2007/01/the_prophesies_of_ozstradamus.html#comments
J Marx
After I made mention the other week of that great futures agent,
Nostradamus, I've been inundated with question (the letter poured in)
regarding whether old Michael ever saw anything in his balls that
concerned Australia. After exhaustive research, using the Nostradamus
Search Engine, I have found that indeed he did, which is proof of what
a genius he was, given that Australia was still hundreds of years from
being invented. It's all very well to be skeptical - to believe
Nostradamus but a word-smart gambler in a witchy-poo age - but his
"down under" predictions are spooky for their accuracy to detail and
intimate knowledge of Aussie gossip about town. Of course, they're all
a little vague in nature, but that was always The Nostra's bag -
something about confusing the brass of the day, who were tonguing to
fry a few warlocks - and he did work late at night, probably smashed on
some local absinthe, which is well worth keeping in mind.
__________________________________________________________________
C4Q32 - The death of Steve Irwin
In the places and times of flesh giving way to fish,
The communal law will be made in opposition:
It will hold strongly the old ones, then removed from the midst,
Loving of Everything in Common put far behind.
- Nostradamus saw "flesh giving way to fish", which is an accurate
enough description of the tragic death of Steve Irwin. It became
unofficial law in Australian community to be "in opposition" to any who
did not outwardly grieve, particularly the "old ones" like Germaine
Greer, who was thus rejected "from the midst" of Australian society,
her past noble crusades in the name of equality of the sexes - "loving
of everything in common", as it were - completely forgotten.
C10Q74 - The Beaconsfield Mine rescue
The year of the great seventh number accomplished,
It will appear at the time of the games of slaughter:
Not far from the great millennial age,
When the buried will go out from their tombs.
- Nostradamus clearly saw Brant Webb and Todd Russell emerging from
"their tombs" in "the year of the great seventh number accomplished";
in other words, the arrival of 2006, the seventh year of the century.
He went further for accuracy by placing the event at the time of "the
games of slaughter", the mine collapsing three days after Melbourne
Storm's historic 52-6 massacre of the Newcastle Knights, the miners'
ordeal ending just four days shy of Sydney's legendary 180-62
annihilation of Richmond. Nostradamus also gave us location with almost
GPS exactitude, "the great millennial age" being a reference to the
town of Exeter, just 10kms south-east of Beaconsfield, which is named
after Exeter in England, whose Exeter Book was regarded in Nostradamus'
time as the literary marker of the first millennium. Apparently,
Nostradamus did not see Naomi Robson or Kochie and Mel, which is odd,
as they were all over the shop.
C4Q41 - Joanne Lees
Female sex captive as a hostage
Will come by night to deceive the guards:
The chief of the army deceived by her language
Will abandon her to the people, it will be pitiful to see.
- Nostradamus saw only too well the slippery plans John Bradley Murdoch
had in store for Joanne Lees, had she not used the "night" to "deceive"
her captor. He also hints at the police being initially suspicious of
her story and the media hanging her out to dry in the court of public
opinion, which evidently disturbed him greatly.
C4Q57 - The fall of Wayne Carey
Ignorant envy upheld before the great King,
He will propose forbidding the writings:
His wife not his wife tempted by another,
Twice two more neither skill nor cries.
- Covetous of his team mate's missus, Wayne "King" Carey gave in to the
temptation to play husbands and wives with one "not his wife".
Nostradamus predicted he'd put in "two more" seasons for the Adelaide
Crows, but that his "skill" would no longer be apparent. Bullseye.
C1Q21 - Jet's second album
Deep white clay nourishes the rock,
which from an abyss will go forth milky,
needlessly troubled they will not dare touch it,
unaware that the earth at the bottom is clayish.
- Just dig in quick and you'll pull great rock from the "abyss".
Buggerize around being precious about it for too long and in the end
it'll just be mud.
C6Q23 - Miss Bondi Beach, 2006
Coins depreciated by the spirit of the realm,
And people will be stirred up against their King:
New peace made, holy laws become worse,
Paris was never in so severe an array.
- Nostradamus pegged the time spot on here, with the Aussie dollar
struggling, people very vocally down on the PM and religious
fundamentalism at an all-time high. However, the old bugger didn't seem
too impressed with the "severe" caliber of entrant in the recent Miss
Bondi Beach pageant, preferring Paris Hilton to any others in the
"array" of beauties visible in his cloudy orbs.
C5Q60 - Peter Garrett enters politics
By the shaven head a very bad choice will come to be made,
Overburdened he will not pass the gate:
He will speak with such great fury and rage,
That to fire and blood he will consign the entire sex.
- Showing excellent skills as a long-range political commentator,
Nostradamus is deeply wary of Labour's decision to pull the former
Midnight Oil frontman into the fold and, while he probably gets it
right with regards to the polls, his prediction as to Garrett's effect
on the temper of the electorate is probably little more than a moment
of wanker's melodrama from a man all alone in the dark.
C1Q64 - Rap
They will think they have seen the Sun at night
when they will see the pig half-man:
noise, song, battle, fighting in the sky perceived,
and one will hear brute beasts talking.
- A general prediction regarding rap acts touring Australia through the
90s, their overall artistic merit and general behaviour in transit.
C2Q7 - Chad Morgan
Amongst several transported to the isles,
one to be born with two teeth in his mouth
they will die of famine the trees stripped,
for them a new King issues a new edict.
- A brief account of the making of our great nation gives way to an
unmistakable vision of Chad Morgan. Nostradamus then appears to get
sidetracked with the plight of the inland Aborigine.
C4Q56 - The Milne/Mayne Walkley stoush
After the victory of the raving tongue,
The spirit tempered in tranquility and repose:
Throughout the conflict the bloody victor makes orations,
Roasting the tongue and the flesh and the bones.
- Evidently seeing the incident with great clarity.
C2Q75 - The Kylie Minogue phenomenon
The voice of the rare bird heard,
on the pipe of the air-vent floor:
So high will the bushel of wheat rise,
that man will be eating his fellow man.
- Nostradamus could not have been familiar with the budgie, seeing it
simply as a "rare bird", but he pegged both the girl Minogue's
diminutive stature and general vocal quality, her voice coming to him
from a "pipe" somewhere around "the air-vent floor". Unfamiliar with
the "tall poppy syndrome", he nonetheless saw "the bushel of wheat
rise", which is close enough, and the excitement she stirs in the gay
community evidently confused him somewhat.
C4Q31 - Australian FHM magazine
The Moon in the full of night over the high mountain,
The new sage with a lone brain sees it:
By his disciples invited to be immortal,
Eyes to the south. Hands in bosoms, bodies in the fire.
- "Full" of "night" over "high" mountain is Nostradamus's way of
spelling out the title of Australian men's mag FHM, articulating the
single-mindedness of the "new lad" readership as "new sage with a lone
brain", which is pretty astute of him. He sees the new bloke as
obsessed with little more than the nether regions, breasts and bodies
that are "hot". He saw correctly.
C8Q100 - The death of Peter Brock
By the great number of tears shed,
from top to bottom and from the bottome to the very top,
a life is lost through a game with too much faith,
to die of thirst through a great deficiency.
- Nostradamus forecast the torrent of tears when Peter Brock died on
the game, so to speak, also suggesting Peter's abundance of faith in
silly things was no small factor in his demise.
C10Q4 - The rise and fall of Kim Beazley
At midnight the leader of the army
Will save himself, suddenly vanished:
Seven years later his reputation unblemished,
To his return they will never say yes.
- Kim Beazley conceeded defeat at midnight in his first election
contest of October, 1998, a loss that was almost a victory and left his
"reputation unblemished" for him to return near seven years later, to
which everybody said "no".
C9Q78 - The Demidenko affair
The Greek lady of ugly beauty,
Made happy by countless suitors:
Transferred out to the Spanish realm,
Taken captive to die a miserable death.
- To Nostradamus, the appearance of the name "Helen" would undoubtedly
have conjured images of the ultimate "Greek lady" of "beauty", but he
clearly foresaw some ugliness attached to the Helen that appeared
before him. He is right that Helen Darville was happy with the
"countless suitors" - clearly a reference to the many literary critics
and judges who praised The Hand That Signed The Paper, and the assorted
publishers who clamoured for Darville's "hand". Nostradamus may well
have foreseen some bull - the symbolic animal of Spain - thus the
reference to Helen being "transferred out to the Spanish realm"; in
other words, banished as a bullshitter, to "die a miserable death" as a
one-time literary celebrity. He was right; we haven't heard from Helen
in a while.
C2Q23 - The meeting of Prince Frederik and Mary Donaldson
Palace birds, chased out by a bird,
very soon after the prince has arrived:
Although the enemy is repelled beyond the river,
outside seized the trick upheld by the bird.
- Nostradamus saw one chick in particular chasing all others from royal
contention, at a place "beyond the river", an obvious reference to the
Slip Inn bar, beyond the banks of Darling Harbour. He spied all manner
of hanky panky outside in the car park, which is even more than we
know.
C1Q81 - The Bali Nine
Nine will be set aside from the human flock,
removed from judgment and counsel:
Their fate will be determined on departure,
Kappa, Thita, Lambda, dead, banished, astray.
- A very explicit quatrain clearly documenting the tribulations of the
hapless Bali Nine, Nostradamus even aluding to the known fact that
their geese were cooked even before their "departure" from Australia
for Indonesia. The strange reference to the educational fraternity in
the last line, and it's apparent death or loss, is Nostradamus's clever
way of putting forward his opinion that the entire adventure wasn't
terribly smart.
C5Q15 - The Pope kidnapped while sailing, losing all the Vatican's
money and having some ***** murdered.
The great Pontiff taken captive while navigating,
The great one thereafter to fail the clergy in tumult:
Second one elected absent his estate declines,
His favorite ***** to death broken on the wheel.
- Well, even Nostradamus gets a few wrong every now and then.
C6Q19 - The romance of Mark Philippoussis and Delta Goodram
The true flame will devour the lady
Who will want to put the Innocent Ones to the fire:
Before the assault the army is inflamed,
When in Seville a monster in beef will be seen.
- The sight of a scud missile in flight would have confused the crap
out of Nostradamus, his description of the "true flame" the best he
could do. It is interesting that a "true flame", particularly where an
alchemist is concerned, would be blue, and Delta Goodrem's Out Of The
Blue is the song she wrote specifically for the man who was to "devour
the lady". Nostradamus saw that Mark would put the "Innocent" one to
the fire in 2004, enraging the "army" of Delta fans back home, and the
"monster in beef" is surely an ample description of Poo's subsequent
performance at the Davis Cup in Saville that same year.
C5Q97 - Nick Cave
The one born deformed suffocated in horror,
In the habitable city of the great King:
The severe edict of the captives revoked,
Hail and thunder, Condom inestimable.
- Nostradamus would not have understood punk, much less post-punk or
"Goth", so his description of Cave as "deformed" and "suffocated in
horror" should be viewed with the limitations of the man's era in mind.
He correctly places Cave within the same city of birth as Graham
Kennedy, appropriately portrays Cave's apostolic fans as "captives",
sees and hears Cave's early stage shows very plainly indeed and has
trouble calculating the number of prophylactics the singer may have
needed were he to have gone through all his groupies.
Posted by Jack Marx
January 9, 2007 10:00 AM
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